Showing posts with label Sunflowers. Show all posts

Dreams & Confessions



I would like to be a wealthy woman. It would help me do the things that I want to do.

I would like to travel some. Not extensively but I would like to see the Ka’abah in this lifetime and visit the Mosque Al-Aqsa if it is meant. And Venice.. I have romanticised this city so much that it may not even live up to the one on the pedestal but still.. I would like to see it before it returns to the ocean. I wonder if the Greeks preserved the ancient grecian architecture. You know those temple-like pillars with all the pretty plaster art. i should google it. Maybe I’ll take a European tour?

I would like a life partner.. sometimes. On some of my good days. Other times I am too selfish with my time, leisure and peace of mind to share. But, on those good days I think it would be nice. A person of my own, a confidante, supporter, lover.

I would love my Cheriè. I bought a doll house for her and I have been steadily furnishing it. I don’t know how/if she will come to me. And on my not-so-good days I wonder if wanting her is an extension of my selfishness. What really can I offer her beyond my love?

These are things I want and admittedly I may have found myself waiting for at some point in my life. Some even occurred in concert. I’m impatient - it’s a flaw I’m working on tempering but I AM impatient. I don’t think I am capable of simply living a life of waiting. Waiting for him, waiting for her, waiting to see it, waiting to get it.. My Cottage is my big dream. But I realised that I couldn’t keep waiting. Working hard and hoping that someday I ‘might’ get there. Instead, I’m working on my garden. No garden space? Build custom garden beds. I get to have them and enjoy them now and when my Rabb blesses me with an actual cottage (better than my dreams I’ll bet), I’ll have all the experience and knowledge required to live the way I want to there. 

This sunflower flower head is enjoying her life and learning to plant her own food, make glass craft, sculpt clay and carve wood - accumulating skills - just imagine all the things the next bud will be capable of!

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Bloom like sunflowers 🌻



Barely blossomed. 
This is how I used to think of myself. As something that was in a state of growth. Not there yet. Constantly.

 It took years for me to change that thought process. Not because there was anything wrong about it but because it didn’t accurately define me. Not completely; because I simply chose to stop waiting for an indefinite time when I will bloom. That thought process had so many limitations. Does that mean that afterwards I would then wilt and that would be the end of me? Would I have even lived? What if this magical moment doesn’t come? What if someone plucks me and stomps on me for their own vanity while I’m still waiting?

The first time I grew sunflowers I realised that I was more like them. That I was in a constant state of growth, yes - but also that every stage I found myself in at any given point - is a bloom. The lessons I learned about grief and loss this year are already forming a new bud which will grow on the back of the current bloom that I am. And as this bloom that I am completes its lifecycle, another bloom will open with another Jas that’s just a little better than the last one. I am in a constant state of metamorphosis like the sunflower. Always growing on my experiences. I dare to live that way and each bloom is just a little braver, stronger and kinder than the last one. 

A different bloom for a different part of me. Sometimes an experience teaches me about loss and patience simultaneously. Sometimes I could be experiencing two different situations at once - one good, one bad - and both are influencing me and changing me as I experience them. It’s like two sunflower heads budding simultaneously. And the next bud that will grow after their lives have ended, will carry their experiences and forge ahead. There is only continuous growth. A network of lifetimes lived at every stage. 

When my life reaches its inevitable end, at whatever point. I would have lived several lifetimes instead of stagnantly waiting for an unknown factor. A spouse, money, a child or even an opportunity. This is the way I choose to live.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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