Night,

JM conversations

December 21, 2020 J. 0 Comments

She said:
If you decide that you want to sleep in tomorrow, it’s okay. Even with your deadlines. If you decide that you would rather garden than go for this week’s team meeting, that’s fine too. And if you decide that you want to have pot noddles at 2am, I will help you cook it.

Me: 
Are you trying to trick me here? Reverse phycology maybe? Or trying to guilt me?

Her:
No. I am trying to show you how you should be loved and how you should love yourself. If you need to take a breather - do it. Your heart has never responded well to captivity and shackles. And without your heart, you are barely here.

My legs shook.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡


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Day,

O deluded one!

December 18, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I read somewhere recently (or i might have heard it on TV actually) that people who have trouble letting go are those who refuse to accept reality. I translated that to mean that people like that are simply deluded.

I consider myself a realist.. but, if my brief history is to be considered, maybe that belief is just another delusion. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
1346/031220

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Night,

Alas a hurricane cometh

December 15, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I both love and hate things that pull emotions out of me. Especially emotions that i am not quite ready to face or deal with yet. 
I was doing well. Waking up early, working on my art and feeling my body get stronger, leaner and healthier than the mess i had made of it. But I’ve lost it. Again. And all the progress i might have made. And I’m having trouble accessing that frame of mind again.

I am fighting what feels like a shut down. I feel like a trial is coming up ahead and I don’t know how i am going to deal with it. I am not ready for whatever it is. But i am powerless to stop or prevent it. And i do not know how to prepare for it either.

Is this how Dorothy felt watching the hurricane come and getting caught in it? Helpless and afraid and just hoping to find solid ground under her feet again? But when her feet finally reconnected with the earth, it wasn’t in a land she knew at all. It was a foreign place with her house in shambles, a witch was out to get her and she had no way to make it back home.

1727/051220


Juicy Raindrops! ♡


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Night,

Late night confession

December 10, 2020 J. 0 Comments


I don’t usually make the popular decision. Or the easy one. But I always know that it’s the right one. Even when I don’t like it. Even when it leads to moments like these when I am scrolling through my phone looking for who to call. I know who I want to talk to and therefore no body else will do. 

But I am still scrolling.  

You see, this is what I meant when I told you that I had to learn to live without you before you left. Because I know myself more than you ever will. And I know that you mean enough that your absence will leave a space. A space that will be felt. Because I am a feeler, I’ll feel it more than most. Yes, more than even you. No matter that you think your feelings are greater than mine now. I just listen to you and I smile inside. Like I said, I know me more than you. 

And now here I am. 

Watching the rain and missing you. I know you probably hate me now and I can live with that. I know you’d hate me more for that... and I can live with that too. I know I broke your heart. But there was never any chance of a future for us and you know that as well as I do. And I have played these games before and I don’t give my heart anymore. 

You think now that our time together were the best days of your life but you’re young. And you’ll see a hundred better days. So don’t glorify those days or put them on a pedestal. You’ll only smear this new beginning of yours. 
Don’t remember me. 
Live your life.
Be happy.
 
Don’t remember me at all.
Because Lord knows if i could, I wouldn’t remember you either. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
For Abe 
2049/290620

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Day,

Reflections: Happy Anniversary

December 07, 2020 J. 0 Comments


It’s officially been 10 years since we went our separate ways.

It feels .. not quite like yesterday but like a couple of weeks ago.
Feels more like 2 weeks ago than 520 weeks.
That’s how much the pain we inflicted has kept me in the past.
I became more cautious and deliberate  
I looked before I leaped and most times I didn’t leap at all

It’s not all you. But it started with you.

They asked me if I loved you. And I lied.
Consistently.
That I did when I wasn’t sure and that I didn’t when I did.
And here we are now.

I swear to myself that I am not waiting for you still.
And I pray in my heart that you don’t make a liar of me again.

1 decade
10 years
520 weeks
3,653 days
87,672 hours
5,260,320 minutes
315,619,200 seconds

Such huge numbers, yeah?
Such a very long time
Too long to be hung up on the same boy.
So this is the last one.
Officially.

Good bye Ray.
I will never write of you again.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
2331/311020

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Day,

Reflections: Jewels in my treasure box

December 05, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I have realised one fundamental way in which i am different from the versions that came before. This vessel has always valued and glorified relationships. If you’ve been here long enough, you might have seen me refer to them as the jewels in my treasure box. Whenever I look through my scrap/slum books made in elementary and high schools, it shows. I collected poems about friendship and wrote so many myself.

But the woman i am today.. well, she isn’t as invested. She is able to end relationships in an instant and while i knew it was so, i didn’t fully understand how i had become that way.
I was contacted by Lola. Again, if you’ve been here long enough then this is not a name that’s unfamiliar to you. She was my best friend growing up but we grew apart after Uni when life really began. And while we were chatting I couldn’t help but think of a time when i would have given up an arm for her. And in that moment I realised what had happened to me. 

I formed attachments. Deep ones. And in my mind, they were forever. “If i love you today, then i will love you forever” I’ve written that several times before because it was simply how my heart and mind worked. It made letting go of bounds i had already formed nigh impossible. What I couldn’t understand after a while was why it seemed like I was the only one who felt and thought that way. I watched my jewels - one after another - make conscious decisions that jeopardised our relationship. It started with Kaku - and you know the rest. I didn’t understand because any decision that jeopardised our relationship was never an option for me. It felt like i was only convenient for a time and once a more tempting offer came along, i was left with the broken strings and questions i would never really get answers to. They left gashes on my heart - especially those first two. But then i began to learn.

Systematically i stopped believing in those words spoken by the tongues of men and women. “Always”, “Forever”, “Mine” - I realised that belief it those words was what had gotten me into trouble in the first place. All those nights I stayed up questioning my sanity and loveability - “Why do people leave me? Was it me?” - Closure I never got and the particularly vicious ones leaving me with open ended phrases like “If we are meant to be..” further tying me down with brutal invisible chains because, of course, I believed we were - so i would wait. It was perhaps a trial and testament of my love. All the great love stories have them. Separated for millennia and finally reunited till the end. So i would bear this. Can you tell that i had such an unfortunate hopelessly romantic heart?

Lola and i used to celebrate every single anniversary every year. Counting up to the day we would celebrate 10 years of friendship. We stopped embodying that word a year before the year we had so anxiously awaited. On the flip side, Baa and i don’t have an anniversary - yet Facebook alerted me that we had been friends for 10 years last month. I honestly didn’t know that we had known each other that long. But this makes my point too.

Today, I don’t go into relationships expecting them to last beyond a season.. or the very next day. I simply believe in enjoying what we have here and now, and parting when the time comes with no bitterness or resentment. We humans are ephemeral creatures after all - it makes sense that any bonds we form be the same as well.

I can’t believe it took me almost 30 years to figure that simple fact out.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
0634/211120

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Day,

The day it began: The Vessel.

December 01, 2020 J. 0 Comments


These days i am always up for the sunrise
As light overtakes the night, i am awake to feel the energies change
To watch the ghouls scamper for cover from the blazing light of the sun
I used to be like them too
Afraid of the new day, afraid of the light
Afraid of what it will reveal
But now, i willingly go to it.
I wake up early, have a cup of tea and water my plants.
It’s become a kind of routine for me.
With the world (and house) still quiet, 
I can pretend that there’s only just me
And sometimes i can even hear myself think again.

As the sun rose again today
I laid in bed, wrapped under the covers
Once more part of the other world and despising the sun 
Not only for rising but for rising so very bright.
It was in this moment that I finally understood the two women inside of me.
You see I have been wondering a lot these days
Am i Jas of the light pretending to be Marie of the dark?
Or am I Marie of the dark, pretending to be Jas of the light?
It turns out that i am neither.

Jas was never of the light.
She is the quiet dark in me.
She is muted and she is guarded
She is almost without mass.
I craved her elegance and serenity.
Her levelheadedness and quiet resilience.
I have always felt her in there
Sometimes she invades my dreams too
At some marked points in my life i feel her presence stronger than others
Mostly in moments of great pain, shame and disappointment.
It made me believe that as a survival instinct, 
I would eventually become her full time
And this both pleased and scared me simultaneously
Because what then would happen to Marie?
Jas can be cold and unfeeling, 
completely detached from things and people.
But somehow i think she might feel things even deeper than Marie.

Marie is of the light.
She is who i default back to when i am not thinking.
So she is a greater part of my inborn personality
She is loudly-happy, boisterous and she takes up room
She carries her heart on her sleeve and in her eyes
Her energies seep out of her every pore.
She also turns vicious when triggered
She is confrontational and short-fused.
She feels everything strongly and wildly
She feels like a bomb waiting to go off sometimes.
She doesn’t always say the right thing 
because she can be terribly honest and oblivious
Which really can come across as her being self centred
But not because she is being intentionally selfish or conceited
She’s just 100% into what she’s doing and following her joys.
Her light can create a shadow sometimes
As bright light is wont to do 
and other times it simply spreads more light to dark places.

I understand the two better now.
Dark is not evil, light is not divinity
One is not better than the other,
One is not the opposite of the other.
They are two facets that are all me
One is gained of birth
One is gained from nurture 
Together, they are Jasmine Marie - the vessel.

I am supposed to make them one, 
in concert and not opposing forces.
I should use the calm self-control and restraint of Jas 
to keep my chakra and energies inside and balanced
She will be the forcefield around me as i interact with the world
Yet i should be able to create a concentrated firelight in my palm 
and pour it into my heart’s passions and other creatures 
without burning them to a crisp.
 
Jas is protection.
Marie is sanity.
Both of them are me.

Knowing this now, I hope to live better. 



Juicy Raindrops! ♡
021120

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