Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts

just like shazam

When they fight like this it makes me feel like a child again. Helpless and afraid. Tonight I shook with the fear of it because I swear I thought he was going to hit her. I already heard the sound of it in my head and the pain in my heart. All the while she threatened him back with the knife she held and swore that if he ever hit her again, it would be the last thing he ever did. And all the while I cuddled under the stairs like a child afraid to look, afraid to see, afraid to make even the barest of sounds less I push one of them into fulfilling their threat. She shouts out some harsh words, he threatens to leave and I can't stop shaking. 

I hear my little sister coming down the stairs, she's holding a plate with a cake slice from her recently celebrated 14th birthday. And all I think is that I have to protect her from this. So I wipe away my tears and and stall her by sending her back up the stairs. She doesn't deserve to have her picture perfect idealism tainted. It will happen eventually. But not today. Not on my watch. Protecting my siblings is a source of strength for me. And protect them I will. So I leave the staircase, feel myself changing from age 8 back to age 24 and I do the only useful thing that I can do: pray. 

They didn't do it. He didn't hit her and she didn't stab him. Not today anyway. But the root of my fear is in the day when any one of these threats is carried out. Will I lose a parent or both? 

The words i am not saying

So I’m trying again. Let us see how it goes this time.
—*****—
I seem to have perfected the art of pushing people out of my life. Yes i do it on purpose and yes it is for the best for them even if they don’t know it yet. But they will. They might never thank me for it but they will realise it someday. It is my burden that I have to realise it long before they do. It is my burden that I care for them enough to do it. Rado finally figured it out. Begrudgingly. And it took him only 3 years to do it. Sometimes i wonder if we can be friends now then. If maybe i could have my friend at least. I still post a Smurf for him every February for his birthday. Maybe next year I’ll post a baby smurf for him. After all, he is a father now. And it will be the last one. The post i mean. It will be the last smurf. Do I regret my decision? For any of them? No I don’t. And that’s why they hate me i think. Because they think that they are the only ones hurting. Because they think that my slamming the door is only to hurt them. Suddenly they forget that i know how to smile while i bleed. And that when I love, I don’t go back.

I am cursed with so much damn sense. It makes me older than my years and not as foolhardy as those my age ought to be. But somehow i am still able to love and empathise and that will never stop blowing me over. For how can i feel so damn much and still be so “sensible”?. It’s not a word i particularly like. Sensible. I would blame my parents for naming me for an old woman. I went and inherited more sense than i should have. More than my ration i would dare say. I will bitch about it here on nights like these because i cannot do it out loud. If they knew, if they caught even a slight whiff of my vulnerability, they would push. I don’t fear that i will break.. well that’s not my only fear anyway (we’re being honest right Doc?). I fear that in a knee-jerk attempt to prove myself, i would say something i would be unable to take back. I am my mother’s daughter you see and while i may sometimes judge her for it, that fiery blood runs right through my veins as well. Copious amounts of it. So i make good choices for them. To enable them to begin amazing chapters of their lives. It’s good. For them and for me. Like i said in the beginning i have become very skilled at it. For what is skill after all but a knife that’s been sharpened repeatedly and forged through fire? huh? So there. I am skilled at pushing people out of my life.

But. Where is the one that will fight me? Tooth and nail. The one who will hear those words that my sensible mouth will never say...

“Leave me alone” (stay)
“I don’t want to be with you” (please stay)
“This is for the best” (no its not. It’s just the easiest of the hard choices)
“I’ve made up my mind” (fight me!)
“I don’t want to hear this” (fight me!!)
“This will be our last conversation” (this is where you show me that it (we) matters enough to fight for!)
“This is goodbye” (fight me now!!)
“Have a good life” (never let me go)

J.

i never said goodbye


i didn't say goodbye
i only ran
i ran through the woods
without noticing the path
or the sting of cuts on my bare feet
or the branches as they grazed my arms 
until i fell to the ground 
twigs and small stones bit into my skin 
but those were superficial wounds 
they would heal
they would mend
i had a greater wound to agonize over
the one that had set me running
i didn't say goodbye 
i have had sticks and stones thrown at me before 
but never have i had words leave so much damage
 i crawled through the forest floor  
dark and alone
and used my fingers to plug several holes
lest i bleed to death
i didn't say goodbye 
i stumbled into a deserted cabin
and lay my head against its creaky walls
hand clutched to my chest 
too weak to move any further
with ragged scraps of cloth
i bound my lacerated heart
which stopped the bleed
but not the pain
i didn't say goodbye 
the winds changed so many times i lost count
and the pain began to numb 
but only when i remained still 
movement would cause pain
and pain would lead to a new tear in an already worn out organ
i didn't say goodbye
today when i woke 
the sky was bright
i took off the binds 
the scars you left are almost invisible 
and that's when i knew that the time had come
so this is goodbye. 

Something about the rain..

I'd known it was gonna rain today. The winds told me. And somehow i knew it was gonna come with an epiphany. I stood on my rooftop and let the rain bathe my heart and soul. The rain always did that..

I am not alone.
That was the first one. i tend to distance myself from the people that matter the most to me. it isn't a test of any kind. i am not trying to see if they'll pull me back. i don't even notice when i do and when i do notice, sometimes, i do nothing about it. I've always been solitary.. especially when i have something on my mind. i just think better that way. but also i wind up hurting the people I'm suppose to protect, then i start to feel like a total heel.
at some point in my life i reasoned that people either died or did something so bad you wished they'd died instead. so i didn't wanna let people get that close. just a few Jewels. When those same Jewels started disappointing me left, right and center, i created a barrier against everyone. the barrier enclosed Mama, the dweebs and myself. anyone outside that barrier was the enemy and a probable cause of pain. i wasn't willing to take the risk. no one seemed worth it any more.
Then i spoke to Ify, who said i wasn't the Jasmeen he knew and loved. it hurt. i don't know how but it pierced through me. During one convo with MO, i unconsciously let my guard down (as he made me laugh so hard!). He said we hadn't talked that way in a while and said it was great having me back. Then when Lola spoke about the distance between us last night i couldn't stand it anymore. i realized that my plan was never going to work because i already loved these people. There was no way around it. if something happened to them while i was "protecting" myself, i would be distraught. i might hold them at arm's length but they already were part of the bits and pieces of me. If anything happened to them while i was away, i wouldn't forgive myself. That was what it took for me to get back on my rails.
i still have those same fears.. that they would leave me or hurt me, but now i know to cherish the journey as much as the destination.

My second epiphany was RooQ - my white horse guy. i keep keeping an eye, ear and hand out hoping to run into him, praying i don't miss him least i regret it for the rest of my life. it is taking up too much of my time and honestly i want that first class next year by God's grace. RooQ is going to have to wait. Plus i realized that if it really, really, really was him, he'd find me no matter where i hid.

      "... When you're ready, it will find YOU!"

I wrote that once. i understand it now.

I'm obsessed with trying to make the least amount of mistakes possible in my life. i don't think mistakes are lessons, i think they are pain-filled. i do not do pain (says the masochist!). Anyway, lesson learned.

You see, rain to me is one of God's greatest moments. Rain brings hope and comfort.. it brings acceptance too.

This is my song of the week. you will see the correlation to my predicament.



P.s
I didn't lose Rado! He was just never mine to begin with. Another lesson learnt.

Juicy RainDrops!! ♡

For Aisha..

I'm sorry it took this long for me to do this. At first, i just wouldn't believe it.. and then i got caught up in the crazy and (when you really think about it) insignificant drama that makes up life.

When i heard about it, it didn't sink in. Refused to. Mama called it shock. I simply didn't believe it. i couldn't. i wouldn't. But as the moon overtook the sun in their eternal dance across the skies, i had to accept the truth of it. It was like a horribly written and directed play. But it was true. Then came the waterworks, pain..
.. and regrets.

I didn't get to ask you why. Why you'd moved, and how you could stand it. (Medicine was only our life's ambition after all!). And then we said we'd meet. Next month, next year.. You see the thing with life is the uncertainty in its certain end. We should have done all of it NOW. Thought of everything in the present.

Your last blog entry? It gets me by. It tells me that you were happy.. even if it was for a frame of time. You were happy.. and cherry. Just like I've always known you to be. you always did tend to laugh in the midst of hurdles. i never told you this but i admire you for that. You gave me the courage to start a blog. And when i was feeling sorry for myself, you picked me up with your words. Now, that i think of it, i didn't get to tell you a lot of things. So caught up in my own selfish world.

Just about 2 months ago something died within me. you said it was gonna get better. You didn't even know what it was. at the time, regrettably, i didn't express just how much it meant that you'd taken the time out. I was in too much pain. Determined not to let anyone in.

When Georgie died i promised to learn to live for the moment.. Eat, love, pray... and not let my problems overwhelm me. i didn't keep that promise but with your death i renew it. InshaAllah. Every moment i'm alive i own to Him, and i thank Him abundantly for it. He protects me, guides me.. and i pray He does you too. i trust only Him with you now.

Rest in blessed peace my dear, dear friend. May we meet on the other side.

Now, I shall cry no more. No promises though!
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