Showing posts with label The Book of Night. Show all posts

Rip my heart out already!


Rip my heart out already 
so I can move on

Because I have continued to (love you and) hold on to that promise.
My heart filled with hope and belief in that future you prophesied 
One where you and I would waltz once again like we did before
One, two three.. one, two three..

You told your friend to tell my friend to tell me
and somewhere along the way 
the message got lost to the narrative of others.
Now I know that you should have said it to my face.
Maybe then I wouldn’t still keep these traces of you here 

Make sure to rip it out in front of me and hold it in your bloody hands before my eyes
Seeing is believing, they say.
Don’t stand behind me
Don’t hide the scalpel behind your back and smile into my eyes
Don’t do anything to distract me from the beautiful horror of that moment.

How can I move on when you left me with words like “if we are meant to be..”?
My romantic heart dreamt up the rest of the story
And continued to wrap its strings around you
Hoping for a gold star for its loyalty when that time did come 
and our destiny led us back into each other's arms.
That stupid, stupid ball of nerves and muscle.

I do not want this fake hope anymore 
and I do not know how to shed it 
so I am pleading with you to do me this one last thing.. 
this one mercy..

Rip my heart out.. so I can move on.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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breaking in the moment


i vaguely realise that i am going through something right now.
it is something that yanks me out of every comfort zone i possess 
and forces me to share my life with another.
against my will.
despite it being, possibly, for my own good.
down the line.
in the long run.
maybe.

but realising this does not mean that the situation is resolved.
i am still going through it. right now.
i am still reacting to it. right now.
i am still seeking comfort and finding none.


so maybe i will be fine some time in the future
and might even look back to this moment and label it an overreaction.
it is a privilege that the future version of me will possess.
the ability to not be as tied to the turbulent maelstrom of emotions within me right now.
the ability to look upon them from behind a screen, 
a place of safety.
a place of knowing.
a place of having lived through this already,
through eyes of memory.

so yes, 
while distantly being aware that this is just another phase 
on the road of life 
that i may one day not even remember clearly 
even if i read this again,
right now,
right this very minute,
in this moment,
my heart is actively breaking.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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The alchemist


I disconnected completely from my old life 
I collected the shards and pieces of my broken heart 
I took all that pain and mess and became an alchemist.

I turned it all into fuel
Fuel that powered my art and ambitions 
And it burned for many years
But now it is all burned out 
I am not broken-hearted anymore
but I am shut down tighter than Fort Knox
No more inflow of pain
No more fuel
I’m all burned out 
So I can not focus 
I can not even live right 
What I’ve felt was missing lately 
It was the pain
It was my motivation
Now that it is all gone 
I do not know what to do
Because this was what I had to become to cope
My bodily functions are now powered by this particular brand of fuel
And I’m all out of it

I didn’t develop in the conventional way
I used a dark force to build my empire
And now that i have run out of it, 
I don’t know how to maintain what i have built 
I don’t know what other people use
And even if I did, my body would just reject it as unsuitable 
It has been many years now 
And i have come so far like this
How am i supposed to go on now?

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Still


Someone asked me about you today 
A new friend 
Well not about you in particular
She asked about my heart
And when last I had given it away
So I told her about you 
She replied almost immediately 
She said you didn’t count because it had been so long ago
Because we had been so long ago.

I replied to her that in that case
I had never given my heart out then 
and the conversation continued until it changed to something else
She dismissed you as nothing but a teen fling 
She dismissed everything that we were and had been 
so thoroughly, so swiftly 
That she didn’t even bother asking your name
And it occurred to me that it really has been a long time.

13 years.. of course she’d discount you 
What care she that I tremble still
What care she that I have to take a deep fortifying breath
What care she that my dreams are still haunted.

No longer, are you worthy of being even a ghost
Now, you are a blip in the past
A youthful folly
And somehow that is even worse.
Because according to all their books
You don’t matter anymore.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So why do you still?



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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Be careful what you wish for..


This is why one shouldn’t complain
Especially not about good things.

I complained about a lack of fuel.
The pain that fuels my work and creativity
I complained that I had healed and lacked fuel.

Well the heavens heard my cry
And promptly fulfilled my wish
Now I am filled to the brim with an abundance of fuel.

Yay me.
Yes - I will bleed constantly, but I will make art.
After all, it is required for a beautiful pie-ce.


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 Juicy Raindrops! ♡

is this what it takes?


I know you are in pain.
I know you are not content.
I know that she is not the easiest person to live with.
I know it is well within your rights.
But..

But I CANNOT HELP THE WAY I FEEL!!!

And what I feel is that 
you want to make a new family that will satisfy you better.
You are risking what we already have, 
held together by bandages that it is, 
for a gamble. 

There is no way that this decision will FIX us 
so this isn’t to FIX what we have
it is to give yourself an escape. 
Another option. 
Another go at it. 
Something shiny, new and better.

I feel awful even thinking it. 
Call me selfish, call me immature, 
call me whatever you want 
- but I have to get it out 
or I will not be able to stop crying my heart out right now.

All I can hear is that you have given up on this family. On us.
Will it truly make you happy Baba?
Will burning down the house we already have make you happy?
Will it take the pain away?
Will a new family be what it takes to make you content now?

If it truly will, 
I will find it in myself not to resent you for giving up on us

But not now... not today.


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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Delayed reaction


You know,
I really don’t like delayed reactions.
Sometimes the opportunity for some badass, epic comebacks is lost.
Other times you will be making your bed on a Wednesday afternoon
After forcefully pulling yourself out of it
and suddenly end up in a puddle on the floor 
drowning in a pool of your own tears like Little Alice.

I thought I was fine.
I really did.
When she told me, i thought I was fine. 
For days.
Almost an entire week.
And then today I broke down without warning.

I should have known. 
My vague reaction to such shocking news should have been a warning. 
I should be able to recognise the signs by now. 
Fully immersing myself in the fictional, magical world of books
Unwilling to leave my bed for days
Craving connection and yet denying myself, 
Being overly bright and compensating when in company..

My mind was protecting me from the harsher emotions as usual. 
Letting me feel them in small increments over time 
so it doesn’t overload, short-circuit and crash. 
So my heart doesn’t cease beating in shock.
So I don’t end up clutching my blanket on the floor 
barely able to take a full breath through rapid gasps
barely able to type through my tears.

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 Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Borrowed light


They say the moon doesn’t shine
That it simply mooches off the light of the sun. 

Yet despite all the twinkling, shiny stars in the dark sky on this eerie night
the only thing I can see is the moon.

Borrowed light it may be,
but it is what guides the path before me in this new and strange world. 
And for me, that is enough.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

The only way


I have already come too far
I have not only drunk the kool-aid
I have bathed in it
So it is too late for me
There is only one path before me and 
The only way is through

I can’t go back
I don’t want to go back
I have already come so far
I am in way too deep

Even risking a single glance backwards
will open portals to worlds of regret
And I have given up too much
Risked too much
Sacrificed too much
Lost too much on this path of mine
For this belief I hold so tight
That I cannot even entertain the possibility of an alternative

If I didn’t back then -
Even when it was difficult
Even when I didn’t fully understand it
Even when it just was a small feeling in my gut 
- Back when it would have made a difference
But I held on tightly
And let go even as I felt my soul split and crack
Even as my heart soundlessly shattered

I can’t go back
I don’t want to go back
I have already come so far
I am in way too deep

There is only one path before me and 
The only way is through.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

By fire


Some times the words cannot bear it anymore and they force themselves out from within 
And I hear them
The ones she says and the ones she does not
Honestly sometimes I wish she would just say them all.
So we can get it all over with
I do not know if this slight regret I’ve begun to feel is mine
Or hers
Am I just empathically absorbing again 
Or is it all me?
50:50 maybe?

But regret is a useless emotion if you do not learn from it
So whether or not these feelings are inherently mine
I will take the lessons they teach me
And the ones I have been learning about being more open to the unknown 
I will take the lessons and I will live on.

I am not one to cry over spilled milk and closed doors
This, again, is another lesson I learned after repetitive storms
It is the gold line in the shape of butterfly wings that graces my back
It was a lesson learned by fire.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Heartfelt truths


You want me to trust you with my heart
To trust you to not change your mind 
To not alter when alteration finds.

My heart desires an ever fixed point 
Assurance you can not give it 
And my heart will not settle for less.

Cowardice it might be 
But truth it is. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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How to quit smoking


Maybe I shouldn’t use so much gasoline. Or maybe I need more? Hmm.. I’ve never had to start a bonfire before. I took the pages from all the dreams and hopes I had and made a little hill of them. There were photographs of things I thought would be, things I had romanticised and wanted to make a reality of - just by the power of my desire. But relationships need actual work and time. Like a sapling they need water, food, good soil and at least 6 hours of sunlight daily to grow. We gave too much of some and much too little of the others. There was no balance and so we stagnated and now are dry and brown in several significant places and not even super-gro can save us anymore.

I take a deep, long draw from the cigarette in my hand and I give the pages and photographs a last cursory look. I never thought it would come to this, you see. I kept holding out hope that things would only get better. That with age and wisdom we would only understand each other more but the reverse seems to be happening. We are mis-communicating even more everyday and my heart keeps hurting. Our sapling has no more leaves on it and looks like a toothpick stuck in pot of mud.

/another draw of the cig/

I cannot keep living this way. This is my biggest trauma and as it is one that i keep reliving daily i am unable to heal. I keep poking at it and even when I do not, new ones are inflicted upon me. I do not like who I am sometimes. The reactions that have become my default setting to protect myself, to protect my little ones, to keep the peace, to do as my Lord says. Responsibilities that shouldn’t be mine alone .. excess baggage i carry.. bleeding all over those who do not know of my injuries. 

/another draw of the cig/

This is on me. We are a culmination of all our life choices and I have everyday made the decision to stay, deny the obvious and even go as far as to call it unconditional love.

/watching the smoke i exhale merge with the wind and get blown away/

I do not think I can keep living like this. Not if i want to maintain even a shred of sanity anyway. And while sanity isn’t something I particularly advocate for, being a psych ward breakout and all, even I have to admit that this is the kind of sanity I absolutely need to live a wholesome life with whatever time I have left here. They say to quit smoking, you have to not put cigarettes in your mouth one day at a time. What better time to begin than right now?

/tosses unfinished cig on mountain of broken dreams and watches the flames instantly come to life/

I thought it would hurt to watch the flames rise. Instead I feel lighter as if I have finally stopped fighting against a current determined to flow the other way. Maybe this is what Mr Tolle meant about giving off a negative charge. I thought I understood that line but in this moment I find that it has new meaning for me. Imagine that. 

/watches the flames as they begin to die/

I think I’m ready to begin healing now.

/walks away finally/

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

P.s.:
I am raw right now writing this. I haven’t had a chance to read it over, edit and make it ‘pretty’ and ‘cohesive’. I didn't draft this like the rest and come back to edit it weeks or even months later. I apologise for any typos and inconsistencies. However, this is me right this very moment. Because this is big. It matters. and this feel right right now. So I will publish this now. As it is. As i am.

Nox


Do you ever just marvel at the wonder of life and all it entails?

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

How?


And when you asked me why I don’t come to you on my dark days.

I couldn’t understand it. 


How could I explain to you that I didn’t know how?


Juicy Raindrops! ♡

A light lost to time


You know I’ve often wondered if anyone would notice.
If there would be any kind of memorial for that piece of my soul i would give up to become Serenity.
Would the ones who knew her before mourn the loss of her light?
Her naivety? Her almost childlike wonder of the world around her?
Would they even notice? And if they did, would they shrug it off as expected?
Would they sigh in relief that she had finally “grown up”?
When she makes new friends and meets new acquaintances
Will they tell them about the light they had missed?
Would they lament over it
And cherish they memories of she who had been lost to time?

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Jasmine of Diana


I am the daughter of the moon
Jasmine of Diana 
Birth’d of sea foam and pollen 
carried on the tail wind of Boreas of the North.

I was created a wee thing
Amorphous; soft and vulnerable.
Like a sponge i absorbed all i came across.
Light, love, air and darkness.

While the light filled me, the darkness seduced me
So I wrapped my soul around them both and created a cocoon.
I found form in my chrysalis
And burst forth as Serenity. 


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Items in mirrors are closer than they appear.


Looking at the past through the rear view mirror
It’s been a decade
I have written all the goodbyes and all the fare-the-wells
But my heartstrings have refused to get the memo
They still wrap around the ghost of you 
Even the shadow of you is long gone
And yet
Yet
The truth is 
Items in mirrors are closer than they appear

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Despite you, without condition


I don’t mind making you feel good 
Or wiping your tears,
They hurt me almost as much as they hurt you
I wanted to absorb them from you 
To take my share of happiness and give it up in exchange for your sorrows.

I didn’t mind being there for you
Defending you 
Even apologising for you 
I never minded.

Even when it got really hard
Even when you didn’t make it easy 
Even when you lashed out at me 
Even when I got hurt and frustrated 
Even when you never acknowledged it 
Or me.

I tried to walk away but my legs wouldn’t move
Due to a small fact I realised long ago
Today I immortalise the words by
releasing them into the cosmos and giving them (more) power: 

Mother Dearest, I love you.
Despite you. 
Without condition. 

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

As man forgets


I know that man forgets.
I know this. 
But has it really been so long now that the veneer has worn off completely?
Is that why I can get kicked down today for my inability?
As if I wouldn’t if I could.
As if I didn’t when I could. 

I know that man forgets, but did you ever see me at all?
All those times when you didn’t even have to ask.
I don’t remember all the times myself
because it was never a tally 
It was that I would do many things for you 
And so I did.

But alas you’ve forgotten now as men tend to.
And I do know that man forgets 
I just wish that your words hadn’t felt like claws 
being scraped incessantly against on a wall.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

It's okay not to be okay.


Everything inspires me and yet few things do. This movie inspired me to write. 
And that’s something I do not take for granted.
It really is okay to not be okay. 


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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