Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts

For the arms that hold me..


i am a touchy-feel-y person with my loved ones. my love language is a cross between touch and words. and i’ve always been surrounded by love. whenever i feel down and sad, i would walk up to one of circle and give them a hug. they would hug me back and a breath or two later i would feel sufficiently re-energised to do whatever it was that i needed to do. i have never really examined it - just accepted it as fact. i might have even taken it for-granted.

but when i walked out of that hospital.. away from the faces and the eyes. away from my gramps’ waning form. i took two steps towards the car and i broke down in tears. my brother was already there. he held me as my heart bled. no words, no questions, no judgement, just there.

it made me think back to all the times i‘ve been blessed enough to have arms hold me when i needed it. and how i never had to question it, ask for it or even say thank you for it. 

i am writing this because i never want to forget again. i am writing this because i know better now. I am writing this because i am grateful and words are both powerful and my love language. 

i am writing this for the arms that hold me.
present-continuous.

- J.

Garlic breath and all.

I refused to kiss my mother because she had garlic breath.

She takes one of those natural vitamin supplements and one of them has garlic in it. And i don't mean the deodorized ones. In her case, the more potent the odour, the better (and therefore more natural) it must be. Now to be honest she only takes it at night right before bed time and the kiss was a good night kiss and i hate the stench of garlic (though i love the taste of it in my food :p). Anyway, i just couldn't do it and so from across the room i wished her a good night and left.

I had taken not more than two steps from her door when i had this vision of a probable future where i wake up the next morning and find that i have lost my mother.. and my last memory of her was denying her a good night kiss because of her garlic breath. I went back in there and gave her a big smacking kiss and a hug for good measure. She gave me a questioning look and not being big on verbal expression, i didn't have the words and so i kissed her once again, smiled and left. This time walking out her door the probable future changed to something i could live with.

I am not ready to lose my mother and i don't think i ever will be. But i know it is an inevitability that one of us must depart before the other.

So momma of mine, my best friend, my biggest fan, in bed and asleep right now.. i want you to know that i love you, garlic breath and all.

Love,
J.

crushed

When I was around 10 years old, I found a little bird, fallen from it's nest high in the trees. I still don't know if it had been attempting to fly a little bit too early or if it had simply had the misfortune of dancing  a little too close to the edge of it's home. What I do know is that I found it and insisted we save it. 

Now my uncle, who fortunately for me had some training with pigeons, would do anything for me. Even help me nurse a miserable looking chick, so we did. I tried feeding it breadcrumbs like all the cartoons (no worms, I'm afraid) but he taught me that it was still too young to feed unassisted and showed me the way to do it. With patience and care, one grain of rice at a time followed by a gentle massage of the bird's throat to help it swallow. 
He was looking better you know? My little birdie. Making remarkable progress everyday. So I believed it when I came back from school one day and was told that he had flown away. 
I was happy. 

Today I got back home from my last Call early in the morning and right there on my driveway was a baby bird, fluttering around trying to move. I instantly went back all those years ago. 

This one seemed smaller and more frail. I noticed that it's eyes weren't even completely open yet but it was very determined. It would take a few steps and then breathe heavily and then again and again. My heart strings were pulled right off. I wanted to save it. 

I got inside the house and told my mum about it... 
Mother:
Aww.. Poor thing. 
Me: 
I know. I want to save it. 
Mother:
I doubt you can. They usually die when they're that little. Without their mother's warmth and protection they just fade away no matter how much you try. 
Me: 
But Uncle and I did it before. 
Mother: 
Sweetheart, he didn't make it. 
Me: 
But I was told... 
Mother: 
You were young.. 
Me: 
He didn't make it?
Mother: 
...
Me: 
But I.. but...
Mother:
... 
Me: 
I could have gone without knowing. 

Because now I am not only crushed about the bird I thought I'd saved, but also the uncle who had been unable to break his niece's heart by telling her the truth. 
Losing you is what I imagine losing a parent feels like. I miss you SO MUCH Kaku! I thought you should know that. 

- J. 

You know you've hung out with your parents too long when..


.. You know all the words to songs that were made before you were even conceived. 

Today was a busy day at The Labs. We were all over the place. At one point I was manning both the reception and dispatch points. It was insane splitting myself in two that way. Thank my lucky stars I was wearing ballerinas today. Anyway when the reception closed at 2pm, I went back inside the Labs and began another set of duties. I don't know whether to rejoice or sulk that tomorrow is Thursday (CD). During our last meeting the CD officer mentioned a scheduled "outreach" for this week. God is my strength!

Anyway while I was separating some patient hormone samples, someone turned on The Lab radio and the station was playing oldies. The good kind. I'm talking Sister Sledge, Chaka Khan, Patti LaBelle, After 7 and so on. Some of the older scientists hummed some of the songs, but me? I knew all the words and was moving to the beat. You've got to appreciate good music. I was so entranced in my own little world that I didn't notice that the spotlight had been on me. I blushed but refused to apologize. It really was good music after all. 

I both blame and praise my parents! 

Juicy Raindrops! 

A circle one!

You would think that i would've learned by now but it's always so easy to believe what we want to be true, isn't it? Don't mind me. I've been thinking again. It's Wednesday already. I have only 2 days of reading week left and i didn't start any real work till today. *sigh*

Anyway because i was being dramatic(?) and also getting caught up with me, i didn't call Mama and as such didn't know that she'd been ill. Needless to say, i felt like a total heel. I would've done anything she asked and she knew it so she asked that i call Ray.
I did.
We talked.
We laughed.
We sobered.
It was actually good for me. I will love him always. I've always known that. Now, i'm okay with it. He's still one of the best people i know. And one of the few that i know genuinely care about me.. even if i tend to forget it sometimes! :)

Rado and i have fallen into new pattern. And we aren't fighting anymore. We are.. us! That's all there really is to it. MO and i have been as crazy as always. Apparently he'd gone to a lingerie party and was almost raped. I laughed long and hard of course.

I'm studying again and content with all that i am. I have found my inner peace. I have great friends and an awesome family! I'm doing what i love.. everyday. Seriously, I am blessed! I have all i need! MashaAllah!

{Oh! And i didn't tell you about my Eid Dinner! It was a success! :) Will put a picture up when i have a stronger internet connection.}

Tonight, mine is gonna be the window with the lights on as i burn out all my night oil! 

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Death.

A moment ago, I was overcome by fear. A feeling like never before. It gripped me so hard and fast that for the whole of that moment my vital organs seemed to shut down. But my hands shook, hell my whole body shook. Been trynna thread a needle but couldn't even see the hole beyond the tears that filled my eyes. What could scare me like this, i'm sure you're wondering?
Death.
Pure and simple.
My folks landed early this morning. They sent a message immediately and i woke up to it. i replied it but didn't get a reply back. I assumed they'd be asleep, jet lagged from the flight they'd just had. I gave them a few hours and tried calling them a little while ago. I started with my mother. Her number didn't go through but then my mother (like me) wasn't particularly big on technology so i tried my father. All three of his numbers but they were all either switched off or unavailable. The shaking had started then. My father NEVER switched off his phone, EVER! He probably doesn't even know what button achieves that.
I'd tried my sister, Chuchi, then. She would be back from school now and with them but her's too wasn't going through. I stopped pretending to sew then and called my cousin, who was more like a big brother. He hadn't spoken to them either and couldn't get them. I crashed. There was no other way to it.
Some part of me recognized that i was being irrational but nothing could overcome the fear. I'd tried my aunt then (the aunt that had been looking after Chuchi while my folks had been away). She'd seen them when she'd dropped my sister off earlier today. My relief was palpable. But that still didn't stop the shivers. My over active imagination comes to fault now because i can picture a couple of thousand things that could have gone wrong.
These people are my everything. I would be less than nothing without them so please God, Please let them be okay. That is all that i ask.

Einstein shaped universe! :)

My first observation when I arrived London yesterday was how fast-paced it was. Feet tapping (with impatience), horns blaring, people running to catch the bus and so much traffic! (What happened to slow kisses that seem almost heartbreakingly painful? Mind me not!). But there was also an excitement. A thrill of sorts!  Perhaps had something to do with seeing the folks, but there was something there that was all 'London.' I couldn't help humming 'One day in London' from 'Pocahontas II' in my head as i rode the cab to where I'd meet Mama and Pappi. I don't have to mention how fricking much that meant to me!

Only my mother would know to get her daughter, out of all the souvenirs/gifts in this world, a glow-in-the-dark Einstein T-shirt from the Smithsonian Museum. I LOVE IT!! And a mood bracelet (with little half-moons and stars) which I never take off now. She understands me that much! Blessed is what I am. :)

The universe is shaped like Einstein! :)

Anyway yeah, I have been shopping to my content and I had a session with Gretchen (my psychiatrist). She spluttered some remote crap about me shopping excessively to, i quote, 'fill a void'. I have zero idea what that means but i hardly ever understand anything she says. i think she speaks in riddles to confuse me.. as if i don't already have enough of that in my life. Anyway, everyone swears that she's the best and that she's somehow going to 'fix' me. They definitely need to learn to recognize a lost cause when faced with one. Anyway, yeah!

I saw Patrick Vieira (ex-Arsenal player and captain, now Goodwill ambassador for UN) in Sainsbury's! Shit, the man is TALL! Mama was actually the one who recognized him. I walked right past him.. ever-oblivious. That's me! *smh*

Been talking to Ray all through yesterday and today. No sparks.. just cooling embers! I'm glad. Rado didn't sound too hot when we spoke earlier but i don't know what to do about it. It's nagging at me but.. *sigh*

I downloaded a 'Weird facts' app on my iPod so I'm gonna educate you from now on.. and give you my very very opinionated opinions! :)

Weird fact #1 : The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. So, if placed in water it would float.
Jasmeen says: Yea, and the universe really IS Einstein-shaped! *tongue*

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

:S

Mama and Pappi called to tell me that they were almost boarding. Both Mama and Chuchi had cried on separation. A mother.. No, MY mother.. NO WORDS! None at all!!
Is it irrational for me to be anxious? I mean they have flown over a hundred times and come back safely. This one shouldn't be any different. I pray mightily that it isn't.

Been listening to my heartfelt playlist. Its has all my favourite men: Joe, Babyface, Claude Kelly, Boys2Men, Westlife, NeYo, Phil Collins... etc, so i'm in a very calm and relaxed mood.

I didn't know him but i do use and love his software. RIP Steve Jobs. Your legacy lives on..

                   A man with a vision

          "There is no reason not to follow your heart." 

I really love what i do. Otherwise why do it right? I'm gonna be MIA for a little while. Fear not, though! I'll be back as soon as i can.

Juicy RainDrops! ♡
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