Change,

Woman In The Mirror

August 20, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Yes, you can cry. Weep even. Fill the seas and oceans. Make it rain. But it wont change anything.. and I have come to realise that any action that doesn’t cause a change is a wasted one. I might even be bold enough to say a foolish one.

When I lost Kaku, I was a mess. Then I lost Ray. Which pushed me over the edge. I was lost. No sense, no direction. 'Why?' was question of the day. Was it me? How would I cope alone? And was this searing pain in my chest normal?

I became detached and a real big buzz kill. The kind of girl you wouldn’t sit next to in party. Essentially I was a shell of my former self.

Then I heard Ne-yo’s ‘So you can cry’

“.. your tears wont bring him back. I know you wish that it did but it just don’t work like that.”

I cried harder then.. praying and wishing. But no fairy godmother came to me. It was hard but I accepted that if I ever wanted fairy tales I was gonna have to make them happen myself. I was gonna have to fight for them. There are no magic wands in reality.

I cleaned up my act and haven't shed a tear since. I miss them of course, and once in a while I think of the would-have-beens. But my life didn’t stop or end as I thought it would..

“… There will be pain but life goes on, with everyday’s a brand new song.”

And life did go on. The music didn’t stop playing for my pain. Time went on. A mother lost her child, a child his mother.  A seed germinated and an oak fell. One man lost everything and another realized he had everything. 10 more girls in my time zone alone got their hearts broken that same day. Probably. My point is that I am just a crock in a big machine. I can work hard to make it change or I can slack because ‘it hurts’. I put the pain into my work. It built drive and determination. That was all I needed. And believe me when I tell you I have never felt better than I do now.

My time with them was great. Awesome even. It helped mold me and I wouldn’t trade the experience and/or memories. But the person that I am now, the woman in the mirror, she is magnificent!!

I make changes everyday now. Little ones and big ones. A hand there, a smile here. Little seedlings. And everyday I reap the fruits. I call them all #little joys. Cuz you see in the end, when the storm hits, they are what will keep you afloat.

Legend,

I Am Legend!

August 20, 2011 J. 0 Comments
For a decade I never uttered a word. When I finally decided to give all of me I was shot down so hard and fast it made my head spin. The pain and shame of it alone would have had a weaker being on their knees but I am no such being. I live in a made-up world and behind all the gloss and shine I realized that nothing I had was truly mine.
How could one expect me to go down that road again? That would be too much for you to ask of me. But then you aren’t asking. Fool that I am, I’m putting myself out there again. I would like to say that it’s cuz I trust you so much and that I know you wouldn’t disappoint me as well but that is not the case. I simply don’t care what you do with the info. I feel I have to tell you, for me, not you.

You could call this my olive branch. My way of letting you see the heart of me.

I cannot start without saying Venice. For me, Venice is everything – where it starts and where it ends. I believe my very existence will make sense as soon as I set foot in Venice. I could probably be simply setting myself up for disappointment but it’s my prerogative. I want to see Venice, feel Venice, be Venice. And if I do not find what I seek, I will go from there to Paris to Egypt and then Olympus itself till I find what I’m searching for. With strength to rival that of Gaara I will turn the sands of the desert over till I find...
The voice of reason says that I could scour the globe all I want but what I truly desire lies within me. I say to that voice STFU. I want this. This flight from the safe to the new and the exciting, with no four walls closing in on me. Out-running Life and Cupid on their own field..

I NEED THIS!

But alas, what I truly seek is not in Venice. What I crave is what I have seen. Have seen, admired and even envied. What I need is an assurance. One that I will never be alone. Not again. That I would face this world everyday with you by my side. Don’t misunderstand me, what I need is not a shoulder to lean on but a hand to hold, to help, to heal. Hold me through the storm, help me face the fire and heal this damaged soul of mine for it very much is so.

This is my message in a bottle. My S.O.S! If you’re still listening, set me free!

I lived on. I fought on. Hardly distinguishing one fight from the next but still, still my dearest, I pushed on. When more darkness overcame my skies I grew enraged. My calls were still unanswered, there was no one here. With swords in both hands I let out my battle cry and lashed out. Knowing not who was enemy and who was friend, I let my rage engulf all. Man was such a fragile being after all. My swords, now extensions of myself, cut through their flesh like butter. They wouldn’t take me down. Not in a million lifetimes.

Then I felt liquid droplets on my face. The men’s blood perhaps; I was used to them now. But no, this slid down my face faster. I reached out a finger to touch. It felt different. It was.. rain? I looked up and the heavens wept on and around me. I glanced around the battlefield. There was nothing but corpses of dead and soon-to-be dead men. I was the only one standing. I looked up again as a bolt of lightening cut through the sky followed by the rumble of thunder. On a roar, I plunged my swords into the earth, fell to my knees… and wept along with the heavens.

I had survived!

When you live long enough you will learn that winning one war makes you a victor, winning another a hero. But when you have lived, fought and won as many battles as I have, you are LEGEND!!!
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