When I lost Kaku, I was a mess. Then I lost Ray. Which pushed me over the edge. I was lost. No sense, no direction. 'Why?' was question of the day. Was it me? How would I cope alone? And was this searing pain in my chest normal?

I became detached and a real big buzz kill. The kind of girl you wouldn’t sit next to in party. Essentially I was a shell of my former self.

Then I heard Ne-yo’s ‘So you can cry’

“.. your tears wont bring him back. I know you wish that it did but it just don’t work like that.”

I cried harder then.. praying and wishing. But no fairy godmother came to me. It was hard but I accepted that if I ever wanted fairy tales I was gonna have to make them happen myself. I was gonna have to fight for them. There are no magic wands in reality.

I cleaned up my act and haven't shed a tear since. I miss them of course, and once in a while I think of the would-have-beens. But my life didn’t stop or end as I thought it would..

“… There will be pain but life goes on, with everyday’s a brand new song.”

And life did go on. The music didn’t stop playing for my pain. Time went on. A mother lost her child, a child his mother.  A seed germinated and an oak fell. One man lost everything and another realized he had everything. 10 more girls in my time zone alone got their hearts broken that same day. Probably. My point is that I am just a crock in a big machine. I can work hard to make it change or I can slack because ‘it hurts’. I put the pain into my work. It built drive and determination. That was all I needed. And believe me when I tell you I have never felt better than I do now.

My time with them was great. Awesome even. It helped mold me and I wouldn’t trade the experience and/or memories. But the person that I am now, the woman in the mirror, she is magnificent!!

I make changes everyday now. Little ones and big ones. A hand there, a smile here. Little seedlings. And everyday I reap the fruits. I call them all #little joys. Cuz you see in the end, when the storm hits, they are what will keep you afloat.