i know this road

December 28, 2014 J. 0 Comments


i have traveled this road before
i remember it all too well.
like the lines on the palm of my hands
i could never forget it
i recognize the landmarks
and the accompanying emotions
the loneliness
the sadness
the fear
i remember them all
we used to be bunk mates.

i have walked these streets before
this boulevard of broken dreams and empty frames
but never with You.
what an ignorant fool i have been
i should have reached out earlier
taken that one step to You that brings You ten steps closer to me.
but i am glad i found You
or that You found me
i do not know which it is
but i do know that walking this road with You
i am not afraid or lonely or sad
You shield me from all that
set me on the right path when i swerve
and light up all the dark places in my mind.

i know this road,
these grim murky insect-infected streets
i know them all too well.
but they have lost their power over me.

j.

0 comments:

speak now

December 24, 2014 J. 0 Comments



i love you for your smile. i had to begin with that. you are one of those rare people whose smile makes me want to smile too. i love that being with you i feel and become a different person - a much lighter version of myself. a version that lives deep within protected by walls of cynism and nonchalance. you reveal the real me - the girl that lives within the woman.

i love you for your love of food. and abstract art. which sometimes i do not understand but would love for you to teach me. i love you enough that i want to show you my hometown. i want you to walk those streets i walked, see those sights i saw, hear those sounds i heard and smell those scents i smelt because you know who i am so i want to show you where i am from.

i love you for making me laugh. and blush. somehow only you can successfully accomplish the two simultaneously. i love that you inexplicably like to hear me sing. and that you used to watch me sleep. i love that i am comfortable enough around you to do both.

i love you for indulging my constant insanity and mood swings. for getting me a newly released harry potter book for my sixteenth birthday. i love you for your selflessness. i will forever love you for that night in '06 when you pulled me out of a dark place i hadnt even known i had stepped into. even then you saw what i did not. i can be slow like that. but you love me all the same.

i love that we can fight and make up. fighting is easy. making up takes patience, compromise and forgiveness. i learned all that with you.. and sooner or later you are going to have to forgive me for that one thing you still hold against me. even if i have to bribe you first.

i love you for your heart and mind. your courage and fears. your joy and pain. your strengths and weaknesses. you exasperate me with your occasional stubbornness and lewdness but after much thought i have realized that i would not have you any other way.

i love how you never give up on me. heaven knows i have given you more than enough reasons to, but you dont. you stay and have become a constant for me. i do not have words that can aptly express what that means to me. i want to see venice with you someday. you would appreciate the architecture and i will enjoy the ambiance. and shops of course.

i am telling you all this now because i do not know how much time we have left. i do not know if i will live to see tomorrow or even if you will. recent events have brought that home to me. and i do not want to take for granted this time that we are here now, together and well. 

i love you for being alive. because you were right when you said that my life would be much darker and lonelier without you in it. so do not leave me yet, okay?
i will continue writing  for you if you stay.

j.


0 comments:

the chainsaw song

December 22, 2014 J. 0 Comments



Do you think anyone heard the sound of the chainsaw as it revved to life?
I am quite sure that no one did.
Because people don't seem able to hear the sound of a heart as it breaks
and shatters into uncountable, irretrievable pieces. 
I wonder if maybe it is a quiet affair. That the pain is such that there is no sound. 
Honestly I think that that absolute silence of a breaking heart is frightfully scary. 
Think about it, 
Nuclear bombs go off with a big bang and leave cities leveled while 
Bio-engineered gas can wipe out an entire country, silent as death.
The damage inflicted is inversely proportional to sound;
Plus what is it they say about empty barrels and loud noise? 

So no. No one heard the sound of the chainsaw. 
Or the silent cries of protest of the earth
As that lone sycamore tree..
Where once we carved our names and professed our undying love
Where we exchanged stories about dreams that no one else knew
Where you taught me to read the stars and constellations 
Where you laid your head on my lap and slept
Where I realized that you were a part of me I couldn't live without 
Where you told me you had to leave to chase those dreams of yours 
Where I offered to go with you
Where you told me you didn't want me to 
Where you left me, on the same ground where I let you make me yours
 .. Was felled and gone forever. 

Our silence gave way to the song of the chainsaw
And no one knew. 
And you had left so there was no one to tell them. 
And I was gone so i couldn't ask you to. 
And we were no more so they couldn't remember that we had ever been.

Not the tree.
Not you.
Not me.
 


J.

0 comments:

Would you bleed for love?

December 15, 2014 J. 0 Comments


There is a fellowship more quiet even than solitude, and which, rightly understood is solitude made perfect. 
- Robert Louis Stevenson.


Enjoy..
Love,
J.

0 comments:

I met a farmer

December 10, 2014 J. 2 Comments


I took a trip to the farthest regions of the country
A place where no skyscrapers stood
And livestock still littered the front yard.
No smell of carbon monoxide tinted the air
And it was so quiet I could actually hear myself breathe.
Here, there were no immaculately manicured hedges
but rows and rows of tilled land.
In the midst of which was a sight that caught my eye.
Working so diligently,
Nursing the soil with so much patience and adoration,
I felt envious
He stood with his feet parted but
Planted firmly to the ground, hoe in hand
Under the raging sun
And I had but one thought: this was a man of the land.

He looked upon his land with pride.
I watched on transfixed,
As with the eye of one grown and bred on the land
He examined the skies above
Preempted the rain and made cover for his crops.
Each move was effective and measured
He wasted no movements.
The sun shone brighter and hotter
He stripped off his shirt and my, what a view!
The sweat on his brow, sliding down his shoulder and back
Pectoral muscles firm and rippling as he moved
He seemed oblivious to the simple fact that he had a body
That many movie stars would die for.
For him, this was just another day on the job
Continuing what his great-great grandfather had begun.
 He must have also been a master hypnotist
For I could not look away
Not for the life of me. 
And my hand itched for a pen.

If I were a painter
I would have put on canvas this man in his element.
Oil, not water.
This would be no simple portrait.
Nay! that would be a grave injustice.
To be truly seen, this is man has to be seen in motion.
And the almost predatory way he moved…
This was no doubt an alpha.
He would make for a very passionate lover.

If I were a sculptor
I would a make a model of the man,
Not from limestone or granite but marble.
I would replicate the fierce concentration on his face
Capturing not just every line of his physique
But also the breath and soul of the man.

If I were a composer,
I would have put Marianelli and Cortaza to shame.
And probably Vivaldi too.
For if the feelings currently swirling within me
Were ever to be heard by a people
They would be smothered by the sheer force of such emotion.

As a writer,
I should use eloquent words to describe to you
All the vast rising feelings that grew in me
As I watched this man of the earth…
My man of the earth.
But the moment he turned and our eyes met for the first time
Everything fell away, even the words.
He smiled a slow lazy smile and I knew...
I had gone and fallen in love with a farmer
In the middle of nowhere.

2 comments:

Change,

What next?

November 10, 2014 J. 0 Comments


So with NYSC ended now, I have got to start applying for my internship. I told you about it somewhere here. It's an obligatory year where i get to train in all the four major labs: Chemical Pathology, Microbiology, Haematology and Histopathology. There's an exam afterwards of course.

I have decided to not do my internship at The Hospital Labs where i did my service. I mean, it was fun and i did learn a lot but if i returned there now, i would only be doing the same things i did in my specialist lab which is Chemical Pathology. I want another view point, more teachers and more experiences. I have seen a busy government hospital, now how about a clinic maybe?
We'll see.

While fending off the dreaded "what next" question from friends and family, i have for the mean time become a culinary student. It’s fun and it keeps me entertained. What more can i ask for?

0 comments:

End of an era

November 07, 2014 J. 0 Comments


I didn't want to acknowledge it.. but i knew it was coming. I knew!! And it has.

**Spoiler alert!!**
 
Naruto has ended and I cried. Can you believe it? I CRIED!!!  He has a son.. Boruto. And a daughter. And he married the shy girl who has loved him forever whose name I can't remember right now in my wonder and hysteria. 

HE IS HOKAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I didn't realize just how much my emotions were linked to this. Truly. Oh wow. I am so happy for him. I loved the justice that the author gave to it. I love it. I love it. And i appreciate it. So much. 

I am so happy and so sad at the same time. Conflicting emotions. But it's a generally good one, you know? There's a girl shown to shadow Bolt. Her origins aren't mentioned and i think it is sneaky of the author to do that. She has jet black hair, a serious look and girly hair style.. She is Sakura and Sasuke's daughter! She has to be - for they are the only ones not shown in this glimpse into the future. He (the author) leaves you to pick that up for yourself. Sneaky. Very sneaky. And very much appreciated. I can't explain it. As much as I would have loved to see the future Sasuke, they wouldn't have projected him well enough for me. Do you get it? This is so much better. Giving my imagination leave to do as it pleases. It's a gift really. Pooh. 

 Masashi Kishimoto.. Arigato! Truly.

Okay I'm done being a total nerd now. 
Really. ^.^
"The boy with the fox spirit sealed inside him was the son of the fourth Hokage. Now he is called the seventh Hokage."
- J. 

P.s.
Why is Straw Hat Luffy's pirate mark drawn on Naruto's forehead? As if they already know that "One Piece" is going to be my only solace now. 

0 comments:

remember, remember, the fifth of november

November 05, 2014 J. 0 Comments


i do not know why this particular day has always called to me.. but it has.
so happy 5th of november to you.
may the ashes be only what is left of your oppressed sorrow.

i think i will celebrate by watching V for Vendetta for the fiftieth -or so- time.
it really is a great movie after all.



- J.

0 comments:

3:01am

November 02, 2014 J. 0 Comments


 I was getting slowly irritated.
And it had everything to do with the blinding light coming from the gap between my curtains. Reluctantly I opened a single eye to glance at the clock on my bedside table. I saw the time and turned my head in the opposite direction to shield it from the penetrating light and go back to sleep.
About 10 seconds later I turned again to glance at the clock. It couldn’t have been right. The blasted thing must have stopped during the course of the night. I reached for my phone to check for the correct time and gasped. It read 3:00am. Just like my alarm clock had. Something must be wrong. I glanced at my window again and sure enough there was so much sunlight outside. I scuffled out of bed and pulled back the drapes. I had to blink a few times to adjust to the brightness. I would have predicted the time to be around noon, with the sun high in the sky. I turned on my laptop and there on my screen was the time tab. It also read 3:00am.

It was sunny outside at 3am. I tried to wrap my mind around that and couldn’t. Somehow all my time-telling equipment must have stopped for some reason. And then, as if to further spite me, the time on my clock changed. Now it read:

So it still worked obviously, it’s just malfunctioning. Okay. That made me feel better somehow except ten minutes later, and it still read the same time. And so did all my wristwatches and even the microwave. I conceded defeat then. I thought about the end of the world and silently sent a prayer up to God. I saw movement outside and realized that there were people moving about. I thought that I should probably go out myself and in the next moment, I was standing outside in the midst of a sea of people.

Okay, so I was dreaming. That explained everything and I began to relax a bit. I looked around me and noticed that the people weren’t walking at all. They were more of... drifting. Only then did I notice that only very few of them were fully clothed. Some were partially clothed and the rest, the majority, were stark naked. But no one seemed to notice or care. In fact no one seemed to be aware of anyone but themselves and they all had rather forlorn looks on their faces as if each one was wrapped in his own nightmare.  I thought to myself that though it was such a bright and sunny day, it brought no hope whatsoever to these people and briefly, I wondered if I looked the same.

I felt the hair on my arms and the back of my neck stand and quickly whirled around. My fear and unease were back. Something was not right, as if the lack of night wasn’t bad enough. Suddenly I was completely panicked. I needed to escape this place where everything was so terribly wrong. I looked about but there was just an huge expanse of land. No buildings, roads or trees for that matter. Nothing – just space. The building I must have been in at first was nowhere to be seen. I cursed myself for ever leaving it in the first place.

Okay, I am most definitely dreaming. But I have had enough and want to wake up now. I tried everything but nothing worked. I shut my eyes for a long time and opened them to the still very bright dimension. I was getting more frightened by the second. Faintly I began to see pictures of people drift through my mind. There was a very beautiful woman in the arms of a handsome man with quiet eyes. Then I saw a young boy who looked like his mother (I have no idea how I knew that but I did) and a little girl who held his hand trustingly. She was his sister and they were a family. On that thought, they all smiled at me and as they did, a sharp light emitted from each of them in parallels towards me. It was a link. A bond. Somehow I was bound to these people. I felt a little less afraid and just like they had suddenly appeared, they disappeared.

I glanced at the wristwatch I couldn’t remember putting on. It read 3:01am. Time still hadn’t moved since I left the safety of my room. I didn’t need a genius to tell me that I wasn’t on campus anymore. I realized that I'd been standing in the same spot for a while now and some instinct to move overcame me, so I started walking forward in the hope that I’d find something or someone. But as I walked, more images flirted through my mind. Some, like the family I’d seen earlier threw bright lights in my direction and others just went by. The faster I walked, the faster the images got until I couldn’t really see anything at all. The blur of images were moving away from me and all I could do was watch. It was like looking out of the window of a car moving at a thousand kilometers per hour; I couldn’t keep up and my head was starting to really hurt.
Then blank!
It was all gone… and I was on the floor, out of breath. I began taking deep breaths and found that I was sweating profusely. It felt like I’d been running but I couldn’t remember doing so. I also noticed that I wasn’t where I'd been anymore. Now there was just darkness and I was scared of the dark too. I don’t know how but I just knew that. It just popped into my head like a thought that wasn’t mine. Still panting, I put my hand over my chest to slow my heart rhythm and caught at something. There was a chain around my neck. I pulled at it trying to take it off but it wouldn’t budge so I gave up and fell back to the ground, exhausted. Then a faint glow hit the back of my eyelids. I didn’t want to open my eyes out of fear of what I might see. I was tired of this alternate dimension, all I wanted was to go home. Home? H.O.M.E! It was weird. I found that even though I didn’t know what or where that was I liked the sound of it. The glow got brighter as if ordering me to open my eyes. I peeped and saw that the light was coming from me, more accurately, from the chain around my neck. I held it up and could clearly see 10 pendants on it. There was a fairy with pink wings, a gold heart, a crown, a key, a 4-leaf clover, the letters ”J” and “A”, a strange symbol I didn’t recognize and an engraved double-sided locket. The engraving read: Home – where the heart lies!
I opened the locket and inside were two pictures. One of that family of four I’d seen earlier and the other of three youngsters – a boy and two girls. One of the girls had both her arms around the other two. She had a teasing smile on – she was happy. I felt my eyes sting and then a drop of liquid fell from it and rolled down my face. I traced the engraving on the locket and felt another liquid drop roll down.
“Tears.”
The word was spoken into my head but instantly I knew what it meant. I was crying! Whatever that meant. I touched the “J” pendant and wondered what it stood for.
“Your name.”
Again the words were spoken into my head. Name? It made me wonder... What is my name?

A third drop slid down my face and landed on the smiling faces in the locket. On contact, the word “Jasmine” was called out. Instinctively I turned around and behind me stood a little girl with attractive eyes. She had her hair pulled back in two ponytails and she was smiling at me. I got off the floor and stood too. I knew not who she was but I felt awkward. Those eyes of hers seemed like they could see right through my very soul. I tried to look elsewhere but it was still dark all around with the only light spot being where she stood, watching me. I looked back at her, our eyes met and for a second I would have sworn that those eyes were laughing at me. She knew I was discomforted but she just kept studying me like I was on exhibition at the museum. I wondered what she was waiting for and absently reached for my chain to hold on to it. I saw her eyes follow the movement and saw that she also had her own hand in the same position. On closer inspection I saw that she also had a chain around her neck. The gesture looked so natural to her... almost like she was concentrating where I was nervous. Silently she took down her hand and I saw that we wore identical necklaces, down to the very last pendant. I was bewildered but strangely comforted that we had something in common. I looked at her again. She was taking in my reaction.
I didn’t know how old I was but the girl before me looked about 8. Were we friends? Who was she? Would she answer if I asked? I caught movement and refocused on her. She nodded as if answering a question and in my head I heard the word “Jasmine” again. Wait, not a word but a name. I looked at her and saw that the name suited her. It was her name wasn’t it? It must be. I was confident of that. So hers was the voice in my head… one mystery solved! She looked down at her necklace and linked her finger with the chain, making the “J” pendant shine brightly in the partial darkness. And I instantly understood. J for Jasmine.
I picked up the “A” pendant to ask her what it meant but my hand accidentally brushed against the locket and it felt hot. It bothered me, so I reopened it expecting to see the 7 faces I knew were there but instead I saw a moving hologram. Or at least that’s what I thought it was. The family from before were still sitting on the couch like they had been but now there was a fifth figure. Female. She seemed to be urging them all to sit still. She held a small device I didn’t recognize in her hand. Firmly, she got them all in place and lifted the device and focused on them. A flash followed.  Glancing down at the product she saw that the two children had stuck out their tongues at the last moment and ruined her picture. Somehow it made me feel warm inside. She grumbled and urged them to behave and tried again. She seemed satisfied this time. I looked at what she held and saw that the image was identical to the one in my locket. She turned around then and I saw her face for the first time. She looked familiar but before I could remember where I’d seen her before the scene changed. Now I could see what looked like a bridge and there were three backs turned to me. One of which was basically jumping up and down like an over-energetic child. I felt and shared her excitement as I watched. She turned around then and I recognized her. She was the girl from the previous hologram! She gave her small device – (no, camera. Now I remember what it is) – to a passerby flashing him a watt-full smile and politely asked him to take a picture of her and her friends. A flash went off and again, the picture was identical to that of the three youngsters from the second image in the pendant. 

The pendant returned to the way it was before with the images unmoving. I realized that I had just seen the moments just before each of the pictures had been taken. These were someone’s memories. Mine? The bright bond-lights emitted from the images and shot out to me. Like before I knew I was bound to them and it made me feel good. Strong even. I saw Jasmine watching me with a smile. She shut her eyes and from within her another light shone. I knew before the beam reached me that she was unlike all the rest. She was bound to me deeper than them all. Once her light hit me, she opened her eyes… and winked! Then right before my eyes, she morphed. I couldn’t breathe or move because all 8 bond lights kept me in place. One moment I was looking at a little girl with pigtails and the next a young woman stood in her place. She had the same eyes as Jasmine – eyes that saw! The young lady was unmistakably an older version of Jasmine and more importantly, she was also the girl in the locket. I wondered if perhaps she was my daughter and I heard her laughter in my head. She put both her hands on my shoulders and held on. We stood there about the same height, faces at level and I looked into her eyes and I saw. 

She was me. Or I was her. We were the same. One! Through her hands on my arms I felt, saw, tasted… and remembered everything.

I had lost my way. Stepped into a world where dignity, loyalty and honesty weren’t worn. A cursed world where every minute was exactly like the one before and after it. Nothing and no one changed. Stale. Stagnant. So essentially time had remained the same. Unmoving. Unchanging.

The bonds I had made in my earlier life had found me. The girl I used to be had found me in the darkness brought me the light. When I had unwittingly left home, home had found me and brought me back. 

As I realized this, I sat up in my bed and instantly glanced at the clock. It read - 03:01am.


- J.

0 comments:

Split personality

October 23, 2014 J. 0 Comments

Sometimes I feel
Sometimes I don't
I'm immovable 
Like an oak or even a mountain 
As hard as a rock
As unpredictable as a storm 
Untamed, unafraid, unforgiving. 

Sometimes I feel 
Sometimes I don't
I'm harmless 
Like a fly or even a rabbit 
As meek as a mouse 
As gracious as a swan
Tamed, afraid, forgiving. 

0 comments:

NYSC

What to do with my NYSC uniform now..

October 17, 2014 J. 0 Comments

Now that i am officially unemployed, i've made a list of possible options of what to do with my NYSC khaki jacket, bottoms, shirt, cap and jungle boots.

1. Invite a few friends and family and have a bonfire!! 

2. Wait for Guy Fawkes Night - 5th of November (which coincidentally is the anniversary of the start of my NYSC) - and burn it. 

3. Give it to goodwill (and hope they don't throw it back in my face).

4. Keep it in a storage box in the attic or basement and proudly show it to my kids someday. 

5. Cut it into rags.. And make a collage. 

6. Have a solo bonfire session while listening to Ellie Goulding's "Burn".

7. Put it through a shredder. 

8. Put it in a bucket full of concentrated hydrochloric acid.

9. Burn it!

10. Burn it!!!!!!


... And there you have it :)

It's finally over!
- J. 

0 comments:

Diary entry: 2045-151014

October 15, 2014 J. 0 Comments

Today I laughed. 
I almost didn't recognize the sound. It started out croaked and dry but it got better; felt more real and really, really good. Then I saw a rainbow. And for the first time since this horror show began,
I felt hope.
My Rainbow!! :)
J.

0 comments:

Bin2,

how a superhero learns to fly

October 12, 2014 J. 0 Comments

i wasn't doing very well.
the ghouls had broken out again.
but this time the monster had taken hold.
its claws penetrated deep tissue.
it drew blood.
bucket loads of it.
no, i wasn't doing very well.
probably still not.
but i'll get there.



thank you for the song Zara.
it is all i can listen to right now.

♥ J.

0 comments:

OMG!

October 11, 2014 J. 0 Comments


I did it!
I finally did.
I completed an entire novel!
I saw it all the way to the end!!

It’s new and amazing 
this feeling of achievement.
The pride in knowing that I had stuck with it this time.
It is not just another unfinished, abandoned work in my archives.
It’s done.

And now I don’t know what to do with hands.

J.

0 comments:

Growth,

i never said goodbye

October 11, 2014 J. 0 Comments


i didn't say goodbye
i only ran
i ran through the woods
without noticing the path
or the sting of cuts on my bare feet
or the branches as they grazed my arms 
until i fell to the ground 
twigs and small stones bit into my skin 
but those were superficial wounds 
they would heal
they would mend
i had a greater wound to agonize over
the one that had set me running
i didn't say goodbye 
i have had sticks and stones thrown at me before 
but never have i had words leave so much damage
 i crawled through the forest floor  
dark and alone
and used my fingers to plug several holes
lest i bleed to death
i didn't say goodbye 
i stumbled into a deserted cabin
and lay my head against its creaky walls
hand clutched to my chest 
too weak to move any further
with ragged scraps of cloth
i bound my lacerated heart
which stopped the bleed
but not the pain
i didn't say goodbye 
the winds changed so many times i lost count
and the pain began to numb 
but only when i remained still 
movement would cause pain
and pain would lead to a new tear in an already worn out organ
i didn't say goodbye
today when i woke 
the sky was bright
i took off the binds 
the scars you left are almost invisible 
and that's when i knew that the time had come
so this is goodbye. 

0 comments:

Love

One, two, three…

October 06, 2014 J. 0 Comments

I noticed that “First Love” has quickly moved up the ranks of my most popular posts over the last couple of weeks. The only other piece I wrote that moved up that fast was “How to get out of friend-zone”.  Anyway, since you all have decided to (selfishly) not share your first love stories with me, I’ll share mine in as few words as I can. It is not possible to do justice to this tale in so little words but alas, I fear that if I stare too long into that abyss it will stare right back.

J.
***  *** ***
One, two, three…

He was a boy.
I’d known him a long time
But he was just a boy.

And then suddenly he wasn’t.
Suddenly I knew the way he smelled.
Suddenly I could tell the tale of every line on his face.
Suddenly he was part of the most important things to me.

But we were only 14.
Drunk on hormones
How could it even be remotely true?
What did we know?

 And then we were 16.
The feel of my hands in his,
His lips on mine
The butterflies in my gut.
The feelings only got deeper.

And then we were 19
And still my heart beat for only him.
Our souls were entwined in this endless dance.
The earth was just one giant ballroom
And nature itself played the tune to our waltz
One, two, three… One, two, three… One, two, three…
Our steps echoed in the stillness.

For years that seemed more like decades we danced
Twirling and swirling
Parting and returning
One, two, three… One, two, three… One, two, three…
Until we didn’t return anymore
One, two, three.. One, two, three.. One, two, three seven...♥

0 comments:

Food,

Eid: 4 stages

October 05, 2014 J. 0 Comments


Stage 1: The Grill.

 

Stage 2: The Anticipation.

 

 Stage 3: The Rapid Demolition.

  

Stage 4: Satiation!


Hope you all had a blessed Eid! May we live to witness many others.

Love,
J. 

(p.s - of course i love Luffy!!)

0 comments:

Family

crushed

October 04, 2014 J. 0 Comments

When I was around 10 years old, I found a little bird, fallen from it's nest high in the trees. I still don't know if it had been attempting to fly a little bit too early or if it had simply had the misfortune of dancing  a little too close to the edge of it's home. What I do know is that I found it and insisted we save it. 

Now my uncle, who fortunately for me had some training with pigeons, would do anything for me. Even help me nurse a miserable looking chick, so we did. I tried feeding it breadcrumbs like all the cartoons (no worms, I'm afraid) but he taught me that it was still too young to feed unassisted and showed me the way to do it. With patience and care, one grain of rice at a time followed by a gentle massage of the bird's throat to help it swallow. 
He was looking better you know? My little birdie. Making remarkable progress everyday. So I believed it when I came back from school one day and was told that he had flown away. 
I was happy. 

Today I got back home from my last Call early in the morning and right there on my driveway was a baby bird, fluttering around trying to move. I instantly went back all those years ago. 

This one seemed smaller and more frail. I noticed that it's eyes weren't even completely open yet but it was very determined. It would take a few steps and then breathe heavily and then again and again. My heart strings were pulled right off. I wanted to save it. 

I got inside the house and told my mum about it... 
Mother:
Aww.. Poor thing. 
Me: 
I know. I want to save it. 
Mother:
I doubt you can. They usually die when they're that little. Without their mother's warmth and protection they just fade away no matter how much you try. 
Me: 
But Uncle and I did it before. 
Mother: 
Sweetheart, he didn't make it. 
Me: 
But I was told... 
Mother: 
You were young.. 
Me: 
He didn't make it?
Mother: 
...
Me: 
But I.. but...
Mother:
... 
Me: 
I could have gone without knowing. 

Because now I am not only crushed about the bird I thought I'd saved, but also the uncle who had been unable to break his niece's heart by telling her the truth. 
Losing you is what I imagine losing a parent feels like. I miss you SO MUCH Kaku! I thought you should know that. 

- J. 

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Make a Wish

Make a Wish: Chapter 2

October 02, 2014 J. 0 Comments


Chapter two


Thursday came with rain but Jade didn’t mind. She lived for the rain after all. Jade had had breakfast with her family and lunch with Cathy and Ry. Cathy and Ry had tied the knot a couple of years before and were still on their 3-year honeymoon. Cathy had tried relentlessly to set Jade up with one of Ry’s friends but Jade hadn’t even agreed to dinner. Now Cathy watched her best friend with narrowed eyes as she explained why she wouldn’t be joining them for dinner.



“You have a date?”

“Not a date, car exhibition show with a friend.”

“Friend, huh? Anyone I know?”

“I don’t think so”

“Okay. So, wanna tell me his name at least?”

Jade sighed. “Drake Arundel”

“How did you meet?”

“At the institute.” This from Ry. Then he turned to Jade. “Right?”

Jade nodded. Cathy turned raised eyebrows at him.

“And you know this how?”

“Drake” He said simply. “But I didn’t know he’d been talking about Jade. Though looking back, I should have guessed. He described her as petite and brilliant...”

Jade smiled, and then frowned when he added, “…with a look that could make a man feel inferior.”

“That doesn’t sound much like a compliment.”

“Believe me, coming from Drake it is. He said it while grinning like an absolute idiot.”

Cathy held up both hands. “Hold up! I don’t like being excluded. So tell me Cher, what’s he like? But before that, how do you know him Ry?”

“We go to the same gym and sometimes catch the game together.” He paused then shrugged. “He’s a football fan.”

“And that makes him a good man, of course.” Cathy put in dryly. She noticed that Jade had been listening closely. “So Cher, tell me. What did you think of him?”

Jade shrugged. “He’s okay.” Jade stopped but on catching Cathy’s impatient look, she continued. “He’s in international relations, speaks 6 languages and his mother heads the seminars I go to.”

Cathy knew of the seminars of course. Jade had spoken about nothing else nonstop for the past month.

“And you’re going on a date?”

“No, I asked him to join me for the car show at the Nine’s because he’d showed an interest in them.”

Cathy had stopped listening at, ‘I asked’.

“You asked?”

“This is the 21st century, Cat. Women do ask men to share their company.”

“But you?”

“It’s just for one night.”

“Not just any night, your birthday! He must have really made an impression.”

“Yes. My birthday. What’s the big deal? Jason also had the same reaction.”

Cathy almost choked on the glass she’d raised to her lips. “Jason was there?”

“Yeah, with Brad. My car finally gave out and Brad agreed to give me a ride to and fro as apology for not making the show tonight.”

Jade knew Cathy was about to blow. Saying that she despised Jason was putting it nicely.



Ry watched the color rise in Cathy’s cheeks and knew he had to change the topic.

“Sweetheart, maybe you can tell Jade our good news?”

That did the trick. Her face softened then and she smiled. “We are done with our honeymoon, Cher.”

Jade heaved a sigh of relief and sent a grateful smile to Ry.

“Really? Why? You still have two and half months left.”

“I have to start shopping and remodeling one of the guest rooms into a nursery.”

It took Jade a second. Then she was out of her chair the next one.

“Oh my God! I am so happy for you both.” She hugged Cathy tightly before moving to Ry.

“You didn’t tell me you were trying.” She scolded.

“We weren’t. But when we found out we were both okay with it.”

“How far?”

“3 months.”

“WHAT?”

“I had no idea. I thought I had a bug.”

“You’re kidding.”

Cathy shook her head. “My period’s never been stable and I’m on the pill anyway.” She shrugged. “My mother was the one who finally suggested I see a gynecologist.”

“Oh my! I’m gonna be an aunt.” Jade all but danced.

“And godmother.” Ry added.

“You want me to?” There were beginnings of tears in her eyes now. “I’m gonna spoil her rotten!” Jade swore.

“It could be a boy.” This from Cathy.

“No, it’s a girl. It became so the moment you named me godmother.”

“Oh! The Ricardo Curse.” Cathy guessed.

“Hey, Ricardo Gift!”

“There’s a Ricardo Curse?” Ry saw the look Jade aimed his way and amended. “I mean, gift?”

“We Ricardos are blessed with the gift of ragazza. Literally, the gift of girls.”

“I remember it as ‘Curse of ragazza’” Cathy put in.

“Shows what you know then, doesn’t it?” Jade replied with a scowl then turned to fully face Ry. “About 800 hundred years ago, the Ricardos were mostly comprised of men. They lived as they pleased, taking whatever woman caught their fancy and just being… well, men. It is said that they angered the goddess with their attitude and she gifted upon them the ragazza. Ever since, only one male child is born into the Ricardo family every century. That is why the women in my family are allowed to carry their title unlike most Italian families.”

Ry nodded and asked, “And you say it isn’t a curse?”

Cathy laughed so hard she almost choked.



--



Jade felt like it was prom all over again. She fiddled with her hair a few more times and decided that the carefully put together look would have to do. She then removed invisible lint from her outfit and took in the overall effect in the mirror. It would be a little dressy for the car show but she had bought it specifically for today and she was going to wear it. It made her look all of her 25 years and with the hairstyle she’d chosen she knew she looked like a woman out to entice a man. As she fixed her makeup she wondered what Drake would think before she caught herself. She blamed Cathy for making her nervous by calling it a date. It was just two people with a mutual interest in cars spending the evening together. People did it all the time. She stopped fidgeting when she heard her doorbell. A glance at the clock showed that he was prompt.



When she opened the door and Drake caught a look of her he thought he had been sucker-punched as all the air whooshed out of his lungs. She looked regal. She was beautiful.



Jade caught his stunned look and gave a small smile. The kind of smile he was sure the Amazonians had had when they’d conquered man. It made him snap out of his thoughts and present her the tulips he’d brought her. He’d forgone the traditional roses. She hadn’t struck him as that kind of girl.

“You look amazing.”

Jade accepted them with a smile and quiet, “Thank you. They’re beautiful.” She then moved back and invited him in.

He didn’t know what he had been expecting but somehow the apartment seemed to suit her. He watched as she lovingly arranged the bouquet in a vase and wished he’d bought her a dozen more.

“Can I offer you something to drink?” She asked without turning.

“Water would be fine, thank you.”

She left the room then and returned briefly with a glass. “Thank you. You have a nice place. It suits you.”

Because she was nervous and needed to ease the tension, she said, “You mean it’s small?”

“No, I meant elegant.”

“Oh! Thank you.”

 She took the empty glass from him. Silence fell.

“Shall we?”

“Yes, I’ll just get my shrug.”

He helped her into it and they went out. His car was a classic Mercedes Benz. She loved it. Low, fast and dangerous. Like its owner? she wondered.





At the show…


“Jade!”

She turned to see Jeannie and Johnny, who seemed to be on good terms again, waving her over. Jade waved back and together with Drake, walked over to where they were. She kissed both Jeannie and Johnny and introduced Drake.

“Oh so this is Mr. Hybrid!” Johnny all but cooed. Johnny, who was actually in a serious relationship with an English journalist, loved to flirt with every good-looking straight man he met. He simply took pleasure in making them uncomfortable.

“Nice to meet you both.” Drake said as he shook them both. “I understand I have you both to thank for my impromptu invitation. I’m sorry for any inconveniences I might have caused.”

“Oh it’s alright! It was our pleasure.” Jeannie smiled.

The host got on stage and Johnny gestured. “Shall we be seated? I put us all in the same box.” Just as they were seated, the lights were dimmed and the show began.



The whole night Jade watched Drake and how he interacted with her friends, especially Johnny. They bonded over their mutual dislike for "big-for-nothing" cars. It was refreshing to see how Drake hadn’t judged Johnny for his sexual orientation. It was clear that he had impressed both her friends.



Towards the end of the show, a middle-aged woman in a yellow, glittery dress with tacky fur jacket, bright red lipstick and feathers in her hair came over to where they were examining another car to flirt with Johnny. Johnny had flirted back and cracked the rest of the party up with his veiled jabs at her outfit. When she’d slid her finger down his chest and suggested they head out, Johnny had pointed out how his boyfriend would have a problem with that. She’d tensed, pursed her lips and stormed off, leaving Johnny in fits! Later they all agreed that with her lips pursed, she looked like a rubber duck.



--



Back in the car, Jade and Drake spoke about a million things at once. He was smart and funny, she found. It was almost a shame that the night was coming to an end. She’d been musing and hadn’t noticed where they were headed until they were parked in front of Maxim’s. Bewildered she turned to Drake.

“Dinner’s on me. It’s the least I can do. Consider it a thank you and happy birthday all wrapped in one.”

She was thanking him before she realized that he’d known it was her birthday. She asked how and found out that when he’d called to Ry, he’d spoken to Cathy as well and they’d told him it was her birthday. And that this was her favorite restaurant, he added to himself.



Jade wished a mini earthquake could occur just beneath her feet and bury her. She could just imagine Cathy with her not-so-subtle hints and 21 questions.

“I’m so sorry...” She started.

“Why?”

“For Cathy and maybe Ry too. They’re really nice once you get to know them.” Then added quietly in Italian, “ That’s if I don’t kill them beforehand of course!”

Drake hadn’t missed it though and as they got out of the car, he asked, “Do you usually contemplate murder so easily?” He was laughing at her, she knew.

“You can laugh all you want but hang around those two long enough and you’ll be asking for ammo.”

He did laugh out loud at that. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Then he added, “You love them.” It wasn’t a question

She smiled. “Against better judgment.” Her skimpy shrug wasn’t holding out against the cold. “Can we go in now?”

He noticed the goose pimples. “Of course.”



The maître d’ showed them to their table. Drake was a gentleman. He held the door open for her, took her shrug and even helped her with her chair. The waiter took their drink order and left.

“So what exactly do you do when you’re not attending one of my mother’s brainwashing lectures?”

“Don’t ask. You’ll regret it once I get started.”

“Try me.”

“Well, I don’t do anything yet.”

“Okay. Can I ask why?”

Jade fiddled with the stem of her champagne flute before she answered.

“Everyone knows what they want to do with their lives by college at least, but I didn’t. So I went to university and studied Biology for 3 years while taking Chemistry as a minor. Then I went on to do a Masters in Biomedical Engineering. I got my PhD before I realized that I wasn’t really moving forward so now I’ve decided to get a job at the RCS. I have an interview on Tuesday.”

“Whoa! I’m seriously impressed here. So it’s Doctor LeGrande then.”

She shrugged. “I love learning. How about you?”

“Not nearly as interesting. I knew I wanted to be in International Relations by college as you said. I worked for it. Tipped the odds in my favor by taking French and Japanese lessons. Graduated and interned. Worked briefly. Learned Spanish, Italian, Mandarin and Arabic as well. Traveled a lot. Decided I didn’t like it as much as I thought I would. Got a Master’s in Business and Finance. Became a consultant for international companies and well, here we are now.”

“Smart.”

“I call it playing up my strengths. It’s a competitive field.”

“And only the strong survive?”

He smiled. “Something like that.”

“Why Business and Finance?”

“Why not?”
“Good answer.”

The waiter brought their drinks and took their order.

 “So what do you want to do at the RCS? Finally figure it out?”



Jade began to passionately talk about her plans and ideas, gesturing expressively with her hands and doesn’t even notice that she had slipped into French.

She caught herself and looked away. “Sorry, I get like that. Usually. I warned you not to ask.”

“It’s not a problem. I enjoy seeing you that way.” But he knew she was about to shut him out again. So he added.

“Do you always speak in French when excited and in Italian when angry?”

She looked at him. “Excuse me?”

“Well, this is the second time I’ve heard you slip into French while talking about your work and earlier while you were contemplating murder you mumbled in Italian.”

“Oh! Really? Huh! I never noticed. Sometimes I don’t even notice the slip and my friends are so used to it that they don’t comment on it anymore.”

“Where did you learn to speak?”

“At home.” At his quizzical look, she continued, “My father is French and my mother is Italian.”

“Really? Interesting mix.”

Smiling, “You have no idea. My father says he took one look at those hazel eyes and he was adonné. Says he knew from that moment on that his life would never be the same again but first the war.”

“War?”

“Yeah, he had to convince Mama that an Italian prince would bore her to death in two months.” Drake looked lost. “Mother was engaged when they met.”

He nodded then smiled. “ He won.”

“Yes, that he did.” Jade thought back to the portrait of her mother that hung in her father’s study. “So did she.”

“I’ll bet.”

“Are you also a hybrid?”

“Yes. Paul Walker and Apollo.”

Laughing, she said, “Hey, it got you in the show.”

“True. But no, at the risk of sounding like a total snob, I’m purely bred.”

“Snob!”

“I warned you.”

She grinned. “Any siblings?”

“None.”

“Lucky! I have a pesky little brother.”

“Is there any other kind?” When she laughed, he added, “When I was younger I wished I had one. Or an older one. Just someone to take my mother’s attention off me for a while.”

“I could lend you mine anytime.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

They both smiled.



When silence fell this time, it was comfortable. They ate, each lost in their own thoughts.

They skipped dessert for a walk instead. Drake offered her his jacket and because she really wanted to walk, she accepted.

“I think I’ve told you once already, your mama raised you right.”

“That she did.”

“Did you grow up around here?”

“I’ve lived here my whole life.”

“And your dad?”

“He left when I was young.”

When Jade didn’t immediately reply with the clichéd “I’m sorry”, he continued, “He and my mom got married early because she’d been pregnant with me. But my dad was restless. He wanted to travel and a family was like an anchor to him. He tried to stay but in the end, he bolted leaving Mother to bring me up alone. I was four then.” He kicked at a pebble on the path they were on.

Jade linked her arm with his and said, “It’s a shame. He missed out on seeing you grow into a fine man.”

“I guess so. I can barely remember what he looks like.”

“Have you ever thought about searching for him?”

“I have. But then I decided against it. If he wanted to find us, he would have by now.”

“I can understand that.”



They walked in companionable silence after that until they reached a water fountain. And because he felt they both needed it, when they got close enough, he spun her round and around then caught her in his arms, waltz-style. Jade squealed and laughed. Drake watched the wind blow the hair around her face. She was magnificent. He wondered what she would do if he kissed her. He hadn’t fully had the thought when his hand was on her cheek. Somehow his brain had taken control of the situation. He came closer and made his intentions clear. When she didn’t jerk back or stop him, he kissed her.

Somehow he’d known that waiting to kiss her at her door wouldn’t work. She would have expected it and in her regal way, deflected it. But this, catching her by surprise, was totally worth it.

Reluctantly he drew back, held her hand and started walking back towards the car park. He held the door open for her and went round to his side. He slipped in and started the engine. He glanced at Jade. She hadn’t said a word since the kiss and he really needed her to so he could gauge how bad, if any, the damage was. A quiet Jade was foreign and that worried him.



Jade’s brain had shut off the moment his lips had touched hers. She knew she should stop him but she couldn’t remember why. And then he’d broken off and held her hand, leading her to the car. It wasn’t till they were driving off that she regained her power of speech.

“That was nice.” Wow! She was going to shut up now. Thankfully Drake didn’t reply, simply watched her. When pulled up in front of her building, she quickly got out before he could help with her door.

“You don’t have to get out.” She said, and then leaned against the car to give him her hand. “Thank you very much for dinner. I had an amazing time.”

He looked from the outstretched hand to her face before taking it and lightly running his lips over it. “You’re welcome. We should do this again.” Then added, “Soon.” If he hadn’t been watching her face, he would have missed the desire that flashed in her eyes and if he hadn’t been holding her hand, he wouldn’t have felt her tremble.

Jade saw the knowledge in his smile. Damn him, he knew he affected her. She took back her hand, smiled warily at him and walked into her apartment. She wouldn’t give him the pleasure of looking back. She was inside when she heard his engine roar to life. She decided to take a quick look out her window, and as he drove off, she could have sworn she heard his laughter.



--

Jade’s car was still at the repairs the next day so Cathy volunteered to drive her. She knew Cathy had only done so to quiz her and so she wouldn’t be in the same vicinity as ‘that jerk'. Time hadn't made Cathy any fonder of Jason.

As she drove, they made plans for the coming baby shopping spree. Cathy knew she had promised Ry to keep silent but Jade wasn’t coming forth...

“So, how was the date?” She finally asked.

Jade scowled. She’d known this was coming. “I told you it wasn’t a date.”

Cathy rolled her eyes. “Yeah right. There was dinner?”

“Yes but...”

“Roses?”

“Tulips.”

“He’s creative, even better. You had a great time?”

“Well yes, but...”

On impulse, Cathy added, “And there was a goodnight kiss too, I suppose.”

Turning back to the road she almost missed Jade’s blush. Jade didn’t blush.

“Cher?”

A car zoomed past. “Keep your eyes on the road please”

“Oh, I will.” Without a glance at her rear-view mirror, Cathy pulled up at the curb, “Spill!!”

“Hey, you can’t park here...”

“I just did. Spill, Jade.”

Jade sighed. Cathy hardly ever called her by her actual name so that when she did, Jade took notice.

“Well, we had dinner...”

“… at Maxim’s, yes, go on.”

“I should have known he’d had help with that.” At Cathy’s unrepentant smile she continued. “Yeah well, we wined and dined. We talked too. Sensible conversations you know?” She thought of the rubber duck and grinned. “Well mostly.”



As she went on describing the evening, she relaxed and let the excitement she’d felt then shine through.

“We went for a walk outside Maxim’s. I think we were discussing his childhood when he pulled in and kissed me.” She blushed again. “We hardly spoke after that. When we got to my door, I thanked him and said good night. Then he kissed my hand and said we should do this again sometime.”

Cathy watched as Jade practically beamed with joy. She’d had a good feeling about Drake after speaking to him but this was more than she’d expected after the first date. And it was for that same reason that she knew what Jade would say even before she did.



“It sounds like you had a wonderful evening with an attractive and interesting guy who didn’t bore you to death before the main dish was served.” Cathy studied her nails for a while before adding. “You’re never going out with him again, are you?”

Jade shook her head.

“I thought so.” Cathy turned on the car and continued driving. She also started the mental countdown from ten. She was on 3 when Jade spoke.

“I have two more seminars, a job interview and a wedding to attend. I don’t have time for this now.”

“Of course, you don’t.”

“Cathy…”

“What?”

“You know what!”

“What do you want from me, Jade? “

“Not sarcasm.”

“Sarcasm. Hah! Listen Jade; I have watched you push away every man within a mile of you ever since that jerk of a guy hurt you. First you ran off to Venice for two months then you buried yourself in your studies while I watched. At first I thought it was good for you. At least you’d stopped running, I thought. But you haven’t. You’re still running just in a different way now. You have three degrees to your name at 25. I am so proud of your accomplishments that I brag about it to everyone who’ll listen and even those who won’t. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re hiding yourself away behind it all.”

Jade was thoughtful for a while. “You’ve had that trapped within you for a while now, haven’t you?”

“A while.” Cathy agreed.

“How’s my god-daughter?”

“Kicking like a baller.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

Cathy sighed. “I know, Cher. And that probably wasn’t the nicest way to put it.”

“No, it wasn’t. But it was the most effective.” Jade put her hand over her friend’s, “I love you, Cat!”

“I love you too, Cher!”



That night as Jade packed for the wedding she thought long and hard about what Cathy had said. She was right of course. Cathy tended to be at times like this. But Jade was okay with the way she was. She was only sorry she had made Cathy worry. She thought about Drake and how much fun he’d been. Then she thought about the knowing glint in his eyes when he’d kissed her hand. A man like Drake was dangerous to her well-being. So she’d try to be more open with someone else. After the seminars, wedding and interview. Someone safe. The accountant she’d met at Cathy and Ry’s wedding, for instance. He was always insisting they have dinner. Maybe when she was settled she’d accept the invitation. Yes, she thought. He was safe. And boring came another thought but Jade put that thought aside as part of her exhaustion. She lay down to sleep at midnight. At 2am she decided to stop pretending she was asleep and do something productive. She started on a paper she was working on. 20 minutes later, she switched on the TV and watched reruns of ‘The Nanny’ till the sun came up. At 6 am, she got out of bed, showered and dressed. At 8 am she was at the airport, tired and sleep deprived. For the millionth time she cursed Drake and whatever impulse had made her invite him to the car show. She would catch some sleep on the plane, she consoled herself. She thought she heard his laugh in her head just as she had when he’d driven away hours before.



As she boarded the plane she resolved never to see Drake Arundel again.
 --
  • Adonné - Addicted (French)

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