i know this road

December 28, 2014 J. 0 Comments


i have traveled this road before
i remember it all too well.
like the lines on the palm of my hands
i could never forget it
i recognize the landmarks
and the accompanying emotions
the loneliness
the sadness
the fear
i remember them all
we used to be bunk mates.

i have walked these streets before
this boulevard of broken dreams and empty frames
but never with You.
what an ignorant fool i have been
i should have reached out earlier
taken that one step to You that brings You ten steps closer to me.
but i am glad i found You
or that You found me
i do not know which it is
but i do know that walking this road with You
i am not afraid or lonely or sad
You shield me from all that
set me on the right path when i swerve
and light up all the dark places in my mind.

i know this road,
these grim murky insect-infected streets
i know them all too well.
but they have lost their power over me.

j.

0 comments:

speak now

December 24, 2014 J. 0 Comments



i love you for your smile. i had to begin with that. you are one of those rare people whose smile makes me want to smile too. i love that being with you i feel and become a different person - a much lighter version of myself. a version that lives deep within protected by walls of cynism and nonchalance. you reveal the real me - the girl that lives within the woman.

i love you for your love of food. and abstract art. which sometimes i do not understand but would love for you to teach me. i love you enough that i want to show you my hometown. i want you to walk those streets i walked, see those sights i saw, hear those sounds i heard and smell those scents i smelt because you know who i am so i want to show you where i am from.

i love you for making me laugh. and blush. somehow only you can successfully accomplish the two simultaneously. i love that you inexplicably like to hear me sing. and that you used to watch me sleep. i love that i am comfortable enough around you to do both.

i love you for indulging my constant insanity and mood swings. for getting me a newly released harry potter book for my sixteenth birthday. i love you for your selflessness. i will forever love you for that night in '06 when you pulled me out of a dark place i hadnt even known i had stepped into. even then you saw what i did not. i can be slow like that. but you love me all the same.

i love that we can fight and make up. fighting is easy. making up takes patience, compromise and forgiveness. i learned all that with you.. and sooner or later you are going to have to forgive me for that one thing you still hold against me. even if i have to bribe you first.

i love you for your heart and mind. your courage and fears. your joy and pain. your strengths and weaknesses. you exasperate me with your occasional stubbornness and lewdness but after much thought i have realized that i would not have you any other way.

i love how you never give up on me. heaven knows i have given you more than enough reasons to, but you dont. you stay and have become a constant for me. i do not have words that can aptly express what that means to me. i want to see venice with you someday. you would appreciate the architecture and i will enjoy the ambiance. and shops of course.

i am telling you all this now because i do not know how much time we have left. i do not know if i will live to see tomorrow or even if you will. recent events have brought that home to me. and i do not want to take for granted this time that we are here now, together and well. 

i love you for being alive. because you were right when you said that my life would be much darker and lonelier without you in it. so do not leave me yet, okay?
i will continue writing  for you if you stay.

j.


0 comments:

the chainsaw song

December 22, 2014 J. 0 Comments



Do you think anyone heard the sound of the chainsaw as it revved to life?
I am quite sure that no one did.
Because people don't seem able to hear the sound of a heart as it breaks
and shatters into uncountable, irretrievable pieces. 
I wonder if maybe it is a quiet affair. That the pain is such that there is no sound. 
Honestly I think that that absolute silence of a breaking heart is frightfully scary. 
Think about it, 
Nuclear bombs go off with a big bang and leave cities leveled while 
Bio-engineered gas can wipe out an entire country, silent as death.
The damage inflicted is inversely proportional to sound;
Plus what is it they say about empty barrels and loud noise? 

So no. No one heard the sound of the chainsaw. 
Or the silent cries of protest of the earth
As that lone sycamore tree..
Where once we carved our names and professed our undying love
Where we exchanged stories about dreams that no one else knew
Where you taught me to read the stars and constellations 
Where you laid your head on my lap and slept
Where I realized that you were a part of me I couldn't live without 
Where you told me you had to leave to chase those dreams of yours 
Where I offered to go with you
Where you told me you didn't want me to 
Where you left me, on the same ground where I let you make me yours
 .. Was felled and gone forever. 

Our silence gave way to the song of the chainsaw
And no one knew. 
And you had left so there was no one to tell them. 
And I was gone so i couldn't ask you to. 
And we were no more so they couldn't remember that we had ever been.

Not the tree.
Not you.
Not me.
 


J.

0 comments:

Would you bleed for love?

December 15, 2014 J. 0 Comments


There is a fellowship more quiet even than solitude, and which, rightly understood is solitude made perfect. 
- Robert Louis Stevenson.


Enjoy..
Love,
J.

0 comments:

I met a farmer

December 10, 2014 J. 2 Comments


I took a trip to the farthest regions of the country
A place where no skyscrapers stood
And livestock still littered the front yard.
No smell of carbon monoxide tinted the air
And it was so quiet I could actually hear myself breathe.
Here, there were no immaculately manicured hedges
but rows and rows of tilled land.
In the midst of which was a sight that caught my eye.
Working so diligently,
Nursing the soil with so much patience and adoration,
I felt envious
He stood with his feet parted but
Planted firmly to the ground, hoe in hand
Under the raging sun
And I had but one thought: this was a man of the land.

He looked upon his land with pride.
I watched on transfixed,
As with the eye of one grown and bred on the land
He examined the skies above
Preempted the rain and made cover for his crops.
Each move was effective and measured
He wasted no movements.
The sun shone brighter and hotter
He stripped off his shirt and my, what a view!
The sweat on his brow, sliding down his shoulder and back
Pectoral muscles firm and rippling as he moved
He seemed oblivious to the simple fact that he had a body
That many movie stars would die for.
For him, this was just another day on the job
Continuing what his great-great grandfather had begun.
 He must have also been a master hypnotist
For I could not look away
Not for the life of me. 
And my hand itched for a pen.

If I were a painter
I would have put on canvas this man in his element.
Oil, not water.
This would be no simple portrait.
Nay! that would be a grave injustice.
To be truly seen, this is man has to be seen in motion.
And the almost predatory way he moved…
This was no doubt an alpha.
He would make for a very passionate lover.

If I were a sculptor
I would a make a model of the man,
Not from limestone or granite but marble.
I would replicate the fierce concentration on his face
Capturing not just every line of his physique
But also the breath and soul of the man.

If I were a composer,
I would have put Marianelli and Cortaza to shame.
And probably Vivaldi too.
For if the feelings currently swirling within me
Were ever to be heard by a people
They would be smothered by the sheer force of such emotion.

As a writer,
I should use eloquent words to describe to you
All the vast rising feelings that grew in me
As I watched this man of the earth…
My man of the earth.
But the moment he turned and our eyes met for the first time
Everything fell away, even the words.
He smiled a slow lazy smile and I knew...
I had gone and fallen in love with a farmer
In the middle of nowhere.

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