The night before..

December 13, 2011 J. 0 Comments

10 more days..  I'm counting down the days left to see my little munchkin! :)

Tomorrow is Day One of my Master Cleanse. I have all the ingredients ready and i am good to go. I've taken measurements of myself for the 'before' and 'after' too. Wish me luck!

I've got my last exam on Thursday and then school closes (hallelujah!). January exam timetable's out (starting 10th Jan.) and results for my Viva and other exams will be available on Blackboard this week. *wringing fingers*

Anywaaaaay, I have to run now. Hope everyone's doing great and having a great time Christmas shopping. :)

Bless!
Juicy RainDrops!

Knight evacuation plan.

December 11, 2011 J. 0 Comments

1. Cut off all communication (Phone calls, skype, BBM)
2. Destroy the evidence (chats, photos etc)
3. Erase the memories
4. Move on

Simple!

Well, Numbers 3 and 4 might not be as easy as they were to write, but they can be done. It's the weekend babay!! Don't ask about my Immunology exam. I wouldn't answer. Let's just say it steals the "worst exam ever" title from Reproductive Biology. No joke. No need to say that i'm not looking forward to seeing the results.

Otherwise, i'm.. okay. Don't read too much into it. I'm just exhausted, been cleaning and doing laundry all day. Really, really exhausted actually. Have to run!

Have an awesome weekend.

Juicy RainDrops!

Graduation,

Graduation!

December 09, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I went for Jerry's graduation yesterday! It was amazing. I was so full of pride and maybe a teeny bit envious. He's now done with his Master's and about to embark on the rest of his life. Oh *sigh!*

Whenever i think of graduation speeches, i think of Elle Woods' (Legally Blonde). It wasn't the best or even the most eloquently put speech I've ever heard or read but somehow it moves me. it works for me. During the ceremony yesterday, there was a speech given by the Student body President that had the crowd hooked. He spoke about sleepless nights, missed meals and practically living in the library (there was a lot of howling and groaning at that).. :)
.. But also he spoke about how the world was changing. Technology is making our world one, as in, the borders between the continents are not as vast as they once were. He painted an image. He imagined that if every one person in the world could make a positive impact, just one, on the global community we would create a masterpiece. At the end of the speech i (and a whole others) were on our feet, clapping for the simply motivational and well-intentioned speech.

It made me think of my own education and the probable six years i still had ahead of me. I do not look upon them with dread anymore. Nah, I am quite looking forward to making the best of them now! To the day when i too will wear that black gown (that will probably be too long for my small stature) and the cap (that probably wont sit still on my head) while i walked up to that podium (a nervous wreck) to collect half my life's work (a sheet of paper).

May we live to see the day! :)

Juicy RainDrops!

#LittleJoys

Best things about 2011.. so far!

December 05, 2011 J. 0 Comments

The year is coming to an end. November went by really fast. Hell, the whole year went by fast. Wasn't it just yesterday that 2011 started? That i was nervous about my first day back in Uni?

Before the year runs out completely though, I want to take a moment out to be thankful for all my little joys! Here's a list of some of my favorite things about 2011:

1. Ron Pope - Where has he been all my life? I only just found him last month. And, I. Love. Him. Whether i'm walking to school, cooking or trying to sleep, his voice eases the process. The New England Sessions is definitely my favorite album though.

Girls will always be girls!

December 03, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Pooh.

Food,

Jasmeen.. Cordon Bleu?

December 01, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Yes, you had better believe it! My cooking skills have surpassed that of the average man (or woman). I should be made head chef in some exotic restaurant in the south of France..

.. Oh, who am i kidding? I've been living off junk and all sorts of other concoctions for the past week. You wouldn't believe some of the things i've made and pushed down my G.I. tract. So much for healthy eating. I'm actually too scared to get on a scale right now.

I blame Education of course. But i wouldn't have it any other way 'cuz despite all my complaints and threats.. I LOVE WHAT I DO! Plus at the moment it keeps 'The Knight' off my mind - which believe me, is a HUGE bonus.

Now, The Knight. I have tried not to mention him on here at all but i think it's time i came clean. I met a boy (Isn't that how all tragic tales begin?) Anyway, we're calling him 'Knight' - I know it goes against my 'R' names but you'll see he's different. We spoke and i didn't feel the need to gorge my eyes out after the first 5 minutes. Lola is always scolding me for never being aware of the opposite sex. Seems i was just binding my time as this guy is like totally on my mind now. It's a new feeling, this awareness.. but it was also one i wanted to explore. (Recipe for disaster, don't you think?)

Anyway it seems like when i realized that my curiosity and therefore feelings for said Knight were escalating (the more i found out, the more i wanted to know), i decided to stop. But then i encountered my first obstacle.. apparently there isn't an on/off button for these things. So basically, fast forwarding through all the trims and lace, i really like him. And if you've been following me long enough you'll know that for me that is NOT a good thing. I tend to love like a crazy person. Fully and wholehearted - my biggest flaw.

I'm determined not to let it go anywhere beyond basic friendship. I could lie to you by saying that this has something to do with Ray or even Rado.. but i won't. The truth is so much simpler: I'm scared shitless!! I can see me falling for this guy, like really, really falling for him. And before you make any conclusions i do NOT have commitment phobia. I like to think of it as self-preservation. Sue me! :P

Anyway, two exams tomorrow, gotta run. But I'll leave you with a picture of my latest masterpiece (you're welcome!) Don't ask for the recipe. I won't share.. plus i honestly have no idea what's in there. I just kept pulling on jars and spices but it tasted really good. No lie! Kisses!




Juicy Raindrops!!

BoyzIIMen

Omg. Omg. Omg.

November 28, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Omg. Omg. Omg.

New Boyz II Men Album: Twenty! Can you imagine? Omg.

Omg.

Okay, last one. Omg!!

Done reading for Clinical Biochemistry exam. Only final revision left for Thursday night. Now, to tackle Medical Microbiology.. But before then, one more.. OMG!!!

BoyzIIMen

Fa La La..

November 28, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Two exams on Friday so I have been very busy today - (big surprise!)

Anyway, i took a mini break to show you this song i came across! I know the original was by the Jackson 5, but I simply love this version.. plus i'm partial to BoyzIIMen.



And also..



Enjoy.

Juicy RainDrops!

Death

1037-271111

November 27, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I just read about the death of one of my college mates. It's sad. Very much so. He was one of those people who had big dreams. He was like me. A few days ago he was excited about his new job. And today he is no more. I was in bed, sleeping.. tethering precariously between life and death. It could have been me who didn't wake today. And it still could be. My mother always says that the end of the year is usually when people died the most. I've heard of 3 deaths this week already. I'm sure that there are a lot more. May their souls rest in peace.

#LittleJoys,

Kindness needs no words..

November 20, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I have this thing i do where i mute my tv when i'm reading. It's probably psychological but the images without the sound helps me focus. Anyway, a couple of minutes ago i decided to take a break from my Viva preparation. I turned to the tv to witness a most heartwarming sight. A little girl (about 9 years old) was seated outside about to eat her hot bun when she notices a woman with her child in her arms, and two younger children begging on the street and giving flowers in turn for kindness. No one was paying attention to them. Some of the passers-by actually walked right past them without even glancing up .. but not this little girl. She caught the eye of the younger daughter and saw the longing in her eyes so she went over to hand the bun over to her. After receiving what seemed like a nod from her mother, the young beggar girl collected the bun and dived in. Her older sister then ran after the kind little girl to hand her a flower in gratitude.
My tv was muted of course and i couldn't hear a word of all this but i was moved. I felt a rush of so many emotions all at once. I want to change the world, i really do. Scoff all you want but I will do it, ISA. Even if it's only one life i get to change, it will be a start. I just checked and the movie is called, 'The Little Princess'.

This probably seems silly but it was blog worthy! I have to go now. Busy bee and all that.

Juicy RainDrops!!

Eat::Pray::Love

November 20, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Family,

A circle one!

November 09, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Rebirth

November 02, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Yes, It's me! Back from the depths of hell. Seems even they don't take whinny brats! So I'm back. Bigger, better and wiser (?).. let's just say stronger. Cuz i am still going to mess up.. bad!

I spent the last 2 weeks seesawing between pathetic and dreadfully pathetic and somehow i convinced myself that it was okay. i wasn't hurting anyone after all. WRONG. I was hurting myself. BIG TIME. Turns out i depend on my insane sanity much more than even i know. Without it i just kindda went haywire.

Quick recap..

1. I made a mess of my hair - Deranged as i was, i let myself get talked into putting on a 'lace wig'. It turned out to be the worst 80 quid i have ever spent. Surmise to say i have another salon AP next week.

2. I made an even worse mess of my academics - You wouldn't begin to understand the amount of work i have to do and turn in. Apparently those residing in hell don't do homework.. and/or study. AT ALL!

3. I called Rado - If you honestly need me to explain further then you haven't been listening. (or reading as the case may be)

4. (This probably shouldn't get to me but..) I took this visual behaviour test thingy (not professional) and my results were: dependent, insecure, witty and thoughtful - With the exception of the 'Witty' and perhaps maybe 'Thoughtful' (though that does depend on the context in which it is used, but i'm optimistic), i hate everything there. Dependent? Insecure? I have lived my whole life trying hard not to be either of the two only to have it thrown in my face and (here's the hard part) for me to realise that it was true. Somewhere along the line i did become.. (choke) insecure and dependent. I depend on Mama, Lola, RooQ, Bin2.. Hell i even depend on Gretchen!!! And with dependency came insecurity. The feeling that i just might not be 'enough'. I started to have doubts.. terrible ones. I started to think (and almost believe) that couldn't do it. Not Biomed, not Med school, not anything! It isn't a nice feeling, that i can tell you. I don't wallow. Or cry over nothing. Or lay back and wait to be spoon-fed. That isn't me. Has never been me! I guess somewhere along the way, i started loosing touch with who i was.. what i was.
                                               I AM SUPERWOMAN!! 
Through and through. I slay my own dragons and defend my own castle. I am a warrior. A survivor. My mother's daughter. My father's daughter. An enigma. A helpless romantic. An avid reader. A clumsy dancer. An excellent artist with terrible brushwork. I can't read maps and have never understood how compasses work. I can be obsessive, selfish and arrogant.

That is who i am. Who i know. With every fault and flaw, i am who i am. And i would like to never forget that again.

Eating healthy

October 23, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I knew this was coming. I'd felt it since yesterday when I'd binged. What i didn't know was that it would escalate. I had a rather disturbing dream. It was centered on Ray. Need i say more? This (and other factors) has completely ruined my day of course. I'm falling into some kind of hole.. I'm screaming on the top of my lungs but no one can hear me. I spoke to Mama, didn't help. Then I called Rado. No help either. I really should've insisted on going out shopping with Bin2 today. And if i call Lola she's probably gonna pinpoint it. I don't have the energy to wear a mask today.

1605-21102011

October 21, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I just received a call from my father. At first, all i did was cry and stutter. The words couldn't make it pass my choked throat...

... But as soon as i could i gave him the telling of his life for giving me the longest hour of my life!!

I'm totally drained all of a sudden so it's back to bed for me (after i have another good cry, of course). Seems everything i've been holding in to this point has decided to use this chance to surface. I might as well let it if i wanna have an academically productive weekend.

Sukhran Ya Rabbi!

Juicy RainDrops!

Family,

Death.

October 21, 2011 J. 0 Comments

A moment ago, I was overcome by fear. A feeling like never before. It gripped me so hard and fast that for the whole of that moment my vital organs seemed to shut down. But my hands shook, hell my whole body shook. Been trynna thread a needle but couldn't even see the hole beyond the tears that filled my eyes. What could scare me like this, i'm sure you're wondering?
Death.
Pure and simple.
My folks landed early this morning. They sent a message immediately and i woke up to it. i replied it but didn't get a reply back. I assumed they'd be asleep, jet lagged from the flight they'd just had. I gave them a few hours and tried calling them a little while ago. I started with my mother. Her number didn't go through but then my mother (like me) wasn't particularly big on technology so i tried my father. All three of his numbers but they were all either switched off or unavailable. The shaking had started then. My father NEVER switched off his phone, EVER! He probably doesn't even know what button achieves that.
I'd tried my sister, Chuchi, then. She would be back from school now and with them but her's too wasn't going through. I stopped pretending to sew then and called my cousin, who was more like a big brother. He hadn't spoken to them either and couldn't get them. I crashed. There was no other way to it.
Some part of me recognized that i was being irrational but nothing could overcome the fear. I'd tried my aunt then (the aunt that had been looking after Chuchi while my folks had been away). She'd seen them when she'd dropped my sister off earlier today. My relief was palpable. But that still didn't stop the shivers. My over active imagination comes to fault now because i can picture a couple of thousand things that could have gone wrong.
These people are my everything. I would be less than nothing without them so please God, Please let them be okay. That is all that i ask.

Uni

A drop in the ocean.

October 20, 2011 J. 0 Comments

If yesterday was a good day, today was just fricking awesome!

It didn't start really good though. Took off my braids yesterday, washed and straightened my hair which took about 5 hours. I then cooked Jollof rice and also made stew (It was a lot of stew too). I was so exhausted afterwards that i'd thought that falling into bed was the only thing i had strength left for.
I was wrong.
I did fall in bed but only to watch 'Death Note' (great anime, by the way). Anyway before i knew it, it was 3 am. I went to bed then fulling expecting the day to not go any better.
I was wrong.
It got worse. I forced the drowsiness back during PPS (Pathophysiology and Pharmacology of Systems) but could hardly keep awake for the Project Genesis meeting. At noon, I was in Bin2's bed sleeping. Got up an hour later for the Medical Microbiology practical exam. It was actually good  (i answered all my questions. That's usually a good sign). Anyway because i'd missed the first practical in my first year where my classmates had been thought to 'streak plates' and 'Gram stain', i was rather terrible at it. So i'd watched videos and read from books and websites on the topic. There is a huge Competency Test next semester with a pass/fail grade. I cannot afford to fail. The research helped, though my confidence was still rather shaky or non-existent. So when i took my plate to the module leader (remember him from here), I'd fully expected a rebuff.
For the third time today, i was wrong.
His comment completely threw me off. "If i had to grade this i'd give it a 10. It's perfect!"
My world stopped for a minute before it started spinning again. He probably saw the look on my face for he added, "You have single colonies, no contamination or crossovers. You did really well."
I was still in my blissful haze, taking off my lab coat when some guy called out to me, "Hey. I love your t-shirt". I looked down at my Arsenal t-shirt and absentmindedly waved a thanks before i realised the look i was getting from some of the girls. So i turned back to the guy to see... him. I use 'him' here because i really don't know his name though a lot of the girls have huge crushes on him. *Shrug* (No surprise, I admit that i am oblivious to such things). He is cute though, but not my type. (Plus he had a goatee, enough said!)

Anyway as it turns out i don't hate my module leader and/or wish him to hell. If he hadn't done what he did, i wouldn't have put in as much effort and ended up having such a splendid day. :)
I walked home on air while talking to Mama. She and Pappi are going back today, ISA. I don't have to mention how exhilarated that makes Chu chi! :)

Rado has this mentorship thing today so i'll call him later to find out how it went. Also today is Thursday so I've got new episodes of Vampire Diaries, Naruto Shippudden and Big Bang theory! Plus, My weekend starts now!

Life isn't always fair but sometimes, just sometimes, it is so fricking worth it! Sukhran Ya Rabbi!

Weird Fact: Slugs have 4 noses.
Jasmeen Says: I don't do slimy so i'll take your word for it.

Oh, and please listen to this and love it as much as i do! :)



Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Bin2

Regal monkey nuts!

October 19, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Am i a total weirdo for finding this highly amusing? Cuz if i am, so is Bin2. "Regal Monkey Nuts!" Oh, that's rich! :)

Anyway, today is one of the good days.. in other words 'boring'. Safe, definitely, but boring. Went to lectures (9-10), got back, made rice and stew (home-sick) and well, lazied about in my underwear! -.-

Like i said, boring! Though i do have a faint memory of my aunt calling at around 7am, saying something about 'bedsheets'. I'd initially thought it was dream.. but then i saw my call log. She had called! Who calls me at 7am? My brain hasn't acknowledged the sun rise and new day then. Her bad!

I've got a Medical Microbiology practical exam tomorrow. Nothing i can prepare for at home but i'll try to watch some videos to refresh my memory.

Weird Fact: There are more chickens than people in the world.
Jasmeen Says: Well, i do hope so! Given the rate at which we consume it. I'd personally hate for them to run out! Also places like KFC, SFC and Chicken House would run out of business. *gasp* What would become of a world without chicken? I shudder just thinking about it.

*wink!*

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Bin2,

The bathroom stand

October 18, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Remember i promised to tell this story a while back? We'll here it is..

I had woken up one Wednesday morning feeling groggy then recalled that i'd made reservations (due for pickup) at Argos. So i pulled my lazy ass out of bed and went to get it. Anyway, the man at the counter made a comment as he handed me the box.
      "You're going to need to get a man to help you put that up."
It irked! Who said i couldn't put it up myself? I think my mumbled reply was something like, "We'll see about that."
So, i bought the necessary tools and set to work on it myself. I read the manual (while having a sandwich) and the end result, if i do say so myself, was neat!

See for yourself..

The famous bathroom stand.

So yes, I do not need a man to fix anything for me. (but i won't argue if he offers free foot massages after school or perhaps breakfast in bed) *dreamy look*

*clears head*

I got an anonymous comment about adding a 'Twitter button'. First of all, thank you very much for the suggestion. Secondly, I did try but it doesn't work. I have no idea why, but then you have to take into consideration that fact that technology and i aren't particularly close. I'll try again though. :)

The umbrella charm

Being back in Braddie means back to work. I had a full day of lectures today and, because i still haven't invested in an umbrella, walked back home in the rain. I love the rain more than the average person but even I can't take this much of it 5 days a week. The last time i went out to get an umbrella, i ended up buying an umbrella charm for my bracelet. Ha! Bin2's expression was priceless!! :D


Go away with some knowledge:

Weird fact : Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
Jasmeen Says : Pizza! hmm.. yum! That settles what i'm having for dinner! :)

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

braddie,

Home Sweet Braddie!

October 18, 2011 J. 0 Comments

So it's 1:58am and i'm unpacking, cleaning and singing along (a.k.a doing terrible injustice) to "I will survive". I'm listening to old classics again. This song feeds my soul.

I'm back in Braddie. Didn't cry when i left the folks but i was close (so very close!) But i love being back in my own space.. Plus i missed Truffles, Booboo and RooQie. A mother can't stand to be away from her kids for too long after all! :)

From right: RooQie, Truffles and Booboo!

Anyway, as much as i'd love to stay and tell you more i have to run. 9am lectures later.

Dream in colour!

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

17102011-0040

October 17, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I'm in a terribly nasty mood. I feel tired and spiteful and just plain mean. And i'm not PMS so i really have no excuse. At least not a legit one. I shopped some more today, but everything i tried on made me feel worse. i blame Gretchen of course for taking the fun out of my therapeutic shopping and plan on getting her back for it. I'm so depressed it's not even funny. I want to talk to Rado, but i won't. Why? Because that will bring me back to square one of the whole hero-syndrome series. God, this sucks! *tongue*

Anyho, i'm downloading a million apps and books on my iPod to read on my way back to Braddie ISA. It's bittersweet because it means that it's almost Christmas and i get to see the whole fam soon.. but also that i have to be away from them till December. I know I'm being a brat about it all but it can't be helped. *Sigh*

Well, i guess that's about it. I'm gonna go curl up with a good book now and wish tomorrow (now today!) away. Dream in colour.

Oh! and i almost forgot..

Weird fact #2 - You can't tickle yourself.
Jasmeen says - Very true! (yes! i tried it because i'm terrible at being both bored and pathetic) *tongue*

Now, Dream in colour! :)

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Family,

Einstein shaped universe! :)

October 16, 2011 J. 0 Comments

My first observation when I arrived London yesterday was how fast-paced it was. Feet tapping (with impatience), horns blaring, people running to catch the bus and so much traffic! (What happened to slow kisses that seem almost heartbreakingly painful? Mind me not!). But there was also an excitement. A thrill of sorts!  Perhaps had something to do with seeing the folks, but there was something there that was all 'London.' I couldn't help humming 'One day in London' from 'Pocahontas II' in my head as i rode the cab to where I'd meet Mama and Pappi. I don't have to mention how fricking much that meant to me!

Only my mother would know to get her daughter, out of all the souvenirs/gifts in this world, a glow-in-the-dark Einstein T-shirt from the Smithsonian Museum. I LOVE IT!! And a mood bracelet (with little half-moons and stars) which I never take off now. She understands me that much! Blessed is what I am. :)

The universe is shaped like Einstein! :)

Anyway yeah, I have been shopping to my content and I had a session with Gretchen (my psychiatrist). She spluttered some remote crap about me shopping excessively to, i quote, 'fill a void'. I have zero idea what that means but i hardly ever understand anything she says. i think she speaks in riddles to confuse me.. as if i don't already have enough of that in my life. Anyway, everyone swears that she's the best and that she's somehow going to 'fix' me. They definitely need to learn to recognize a lost cause when faced with one. Anyway, yeah!

I saw Patrick Vieira (ex-Arsenal player and captain, now Goodwill ambassador for UN) in Sainsbury's! Shit, the man is TALL! Mama was actually the one who recognized him. I walked right past him.. ever-oblivious. That's me! *smh*

Been talking to Ray all through yesterday and today. No sparks.. just cooling embers! I'm glad. Rado didn't sound too hot when we spoke earlier but i don't know what to do about it. It's nagging at me but.. *sigh*

I downloaded a 'Weird facts' app on my iPod so I'm gonna educate you from now on.. and give you my very very opinionated opinions! :)

Weird fact #1 : The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. So, if placed in water it would float.
Jasmeen says: Yea, and the universe really IS Einstein-shaped! *tongue*

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Uni

Steam blowing.

October 10, 2011 J. 1 Comments

No fricking way!! Can you believe this pompous thing of a man.. I write to him, ever so humble and apologetic and what does he do but send me this long, boring thing of an email criticizing everything i said. I know it's his prerogative to give a chance or not, but if you're gonna say 'no' then say it and be over with. Don't string me along and make me think i have a chance only to shoot me down. Stupid!!!!

And Butler, don't even get me started. It won't end nice!

You know what? On a second thought i think i'm too pissed off for this. I'll try again later.

Change,

Someday's today.

October 08, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I put 'Rang and Dale' aside for this. It might make very little sense.

I saw them. I hadn't ever till today. In both cases. Both Ray and Rado, that is. Something happened within me. i got goosebumps as i realized that i would do a lot of things in my life.. make a lot of mistakes too.. But that would never be one. I'm so much bigger than that. All this time I have been holding on to thin air. Let me explain.

I let go of Ray only to slowly but surely hold on to Rado. "Hero syndrome", I hear it's called. But Rado, dear friend that he is can never be my 'one'. I would be charged with murder before the end of the week. yes, i love him that much! *smile*
i am not in love with Rado, it was just a crush on the guy who helped me through a very rough patch in my life. He did make for an interesting summer crush though. *wink* My point is, there's no Ray, there's no Rado, no Rango.. at long last i don't have to live for anyone but me. Don't get me wrong, i've loved each one of them in my own way but this, this is a fantasy-come-true. :)

I probably have no idea what i'm gonna do next (haven't given it much thought) but it's going to be so interesting trying to figure it all out. i will mess up (God, knows i will) but i will heal. i will mend. i have no doubt.

... And you, on the other hand, get to be entertained as 'Little Miss Perfect' becomes 'Little Miss Not-So-Perfect".  And to think that all this started with a bathroom stand and a picture. what does that say about my mental health? *shrug* Oh! I never told you the story about the bathroom stand, did i? Maybe some other time. Now, i have to continue studying so i can be able to swear that i had been later on. I didn't promise to be more rational just more spontaneous. That reminds me of something.. NO! (see what you do to me?) Have to run!

A very long way down the aisle, RooQ and I will make history but before that day.. Shh!!! :)

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Family

:S

October 06, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Mama and Pappi called to tell me that they were almost boarding. Both Mama and Chuchi had cried on separation. A mother.. No, MY mother.. NO WORDS! None at all!!
Is it irrational for me to be anxious? I mean they have flown over a hundred times and come back safely. This one shouldn't be any different. I pray mightily that it isn't.

Been listening to my heartfelt playlist. Its has all my favourite men: Joe, Babyface, Claude Kelly, Boys2Men, Westlife, NeYo, Phil Collins... etc, so i'm in a very calm and relaxed mood.

I didn't know him but i do use and love his software. RIP Steve Jobs. Your legacy lives on..

A man with a vision

Bin2,

Way to start the year!

October 06, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I fricking went and missed my medical microbiology practical.

pain,

Something about the rain..

October 05, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I'd known it was gonna rain today. The winds told me. And somehow i knew it was gonna come with an epiphany. I stood on my rooftop and let the rain bathe my heart and soul. The rain always did that..

I am not alone.
That was the first one. i tend to distance myself from the people that matter the most to me. it isn't a test of any kind. i am not trying to see if they'll pull me back. i don't even notice when i do and when i do notice, sometimes, i do nothing about it. I've always been solitary.. especially when i have something on my mind. i just think better that way. but also i wind up hurting the people I'm suppose to protect, then i start to feel like a total heel.
at some point in my life i reasoned that people either died or did something so bad you wished they'd died instead. so i didn't wanna let people get that close. just a few Jewels. When those same Jewels started disappointing me left, right and center, i created a barrier against everyone. the barrier enclosed Mama, the dweebs and myself. anyone outside that barrier was the enemy and a probable cause of pain. i wasn't willing to take the risk. no one seemed worth it any more.
Then i spoke to Ify, who said i wasn't the Jasmeen he knew and loved. it hurt. i don't know how but it pierced through me. During one convo with MO, i unconsciously let my guard down (as he made me laugh so hard!). He said we hadn't talked that way in a while and said it was great having me back. Then when Lola spoke about the distance between us last night i couldn't stand it anymore. i realized that my plan was never going to work because i already loved these people. There was no way around it. if something happened to them while i was "protecting" myself, i would be distraught. i might hold them at arm's length but they already were part of the bits and pieces of me. If anything happened to them while i was away, i wouldn't forgive myself. That was what it took for me to get back on my rails.
i still have those same fears.. that they would leave me or hurt me, but now i know to cherish the journey as much as the destination.

My second epiphany was RooQ - my white horse guy. i keep keeping an eye, ear and hand out hoping to run into him, praying i don't miss him least i regret it for the rest of my life. it is taking up too much of my time and honestly i want that first class next year by God's grace. RooQ is going to have to wait. Plus i realized that if it really, really, really was him, he'd find me no matter where i hid.

      "... When you're ready, it will find YOU!"

I wrote that once. i understand it now.

I'm obsessed with trying to make the least amount of mistakes possible in my life. i don't think mistakes are lessons, i think they are pain-filled. i do not do pain (says the masochist!). Anyway, lesson learned.

You see, rain to me is one of God's greatest moments. Rain brings hope and comfort.. it brings acceptance too.

This is my song of the week. you will see the correlation to my predicament.



P.s
I didn't lose Rado! He was just never mine to begin with. Another lesson learnt.

Juicy RainDrops!! ♡

Love

Crazy, Stupid Love

October 02, 2011 J. 0 Comments

                                   "... Love is the biggest scam of all"

A kid said that, heartbroken and in despair, and all i could think was what a great line it was. I had no problem at all believing it. Love is a sick and twisted play of  neurotransmitters in the CNS creating an illusion we have almost worshipped over the years. We have cried for it, died for it. Some have even killed for it. I just don't think that it's worth it.

My excuse?
Nothing.

I have not be scarred beyond repair by some high school/college beau. Hell, i was the one to bring my last relationship to an end. My parents are still together after 22 years. I have led a very sheltered and pampered life. i guess i am just who i am.

What gets to me most is that i used to believe in all this stuff. Love, relationships, marriage, little white picket fences... the whole works. The question is. "What happened to me?"

Looking at the kid's face at the end of the movie, it hit me. i couldn't help but feel cheated. like i had lost, that something had been stolen from me.

i want it back!

In other news, HP weekend comes to a end tonight.. and it's back to business. Got a PPS 1 test on thursday too. In case i don't return, don't take it personal, just blame education (i do!)

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Bin2

Harry Potter Weekend

September 29, 2011 J. 0 Comments

It's the weekend babay!! (No lectures on Friday!) And this weekend Bin2 and i are having a "Harry Potter Weekend". Basically we're gonna watch all the movies from part 1 -7 (part 2) again, probably for the last time. it's like the end of an era, isn't it? I can clearly remember an eager eleven year old me sitting at the back of the class with a borrowed and battered copy of 'Chamber of Secrets' ( i use 'battered' here loosely. the book had no cover and the first 2 pages were missing!). i think i was thirteen when i owned and read 'Prisoner of Azkhaban'. 'Deathly Hallows' i can never forget was released on my birthday. i had it in my hands that same day! yes, i have such amazing friends.. :)

I'm making rice and mama's soup for dinner. yea, i'm feeling that good. wanna see? say please and thank you!

Anyway, jamming up at the moment. I miss Rado and will probably call him to squabble soon.. :)


Juicy RainDrops! ♡

autumn,

Kal ho na ho

September 28, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Braddie in Autumn! Simply loving it..

I love the whole new plant growing out of a barren wasteland thing. Kind of like the Phoenix emerging from the ashes!

No, I wasn't stalking. I loved how and where she stood. It was a moment.

Rooftop of Nattarg! My favourite place! :)

Long, lonely flight home. Sounds familiar.

So this is here because i'd secretly hoped he'd fall and i'd laugh. Yes, i' m evil.

Death,

For Aisha..

September 27, 2011 J. 2 Comments

I'm sorry it took this long for me to do this. At first, i just wouldn't believe it.. and then i got caught up in the crazy and (when you really think about it) insignificant drama that makes up life.

When i heard about it, it didn't sink in. Refused to. Mama called it shock. I simply didn't believe it. i couldn't. i wouldn't. But as the moon overtook the sun in their eternal dance across the skies, i had to accept the truth of it. It was like a horribly written and directed play. But it was true. Then came the waterworks, pain..
.. and regrets.

I didn't get to ask you why. Why you'd moved, and how you could stand it. (Medicine was only our life's ambition after all!). And then we said we'd meet. Next month, next year.. You see the thing with life is the uncertainty in its certain end. We should have done all of it NOW. Thought of everything in the present.

Your last blog entry? It gets me by. It tells me that you were happy.. even if it was for a frame of time. You were happy.. and cherry. Just like I've always known you to be. you always did tend to laugh in the midst of hurdles. i never told you this but i admire you for that. You gave me the courage to start a blog. And when i was feeling sorry for myself, you picked me up with your words. Now, that i think of it, i didn't get to tell you a lot of things. So caught up in my own selfish world.

Just about 2 months ago something died within me. you said it was gonna get better. You didn't even know what it was. at the time, regrettably, i didn't express just how much it meant that you'd taken the time out. I was in too much pain. Determined not to let anyone in.

When Georgie died i promised to learn to live for the moment.. Eat, love, pray... and not let my problems overwhelm me. i didn't keep that promise but with your death i renew it. InshaAllah. Every moment i'm alive i own to Him, and i thank Him abundantly for it. He protects me, guides me.. and i pray He does you too. i trust only Him with you now.

Rest in blessed peace my dear, dear friend. May we meet on the other side.

Now, I shall cry no more. No promises though!

Change,

Woman In The Mirror

August 20, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Yes, you can cry. Weep even. Fill the seas and oceans. Make it rain. But it wont change anything.. and I have come to realise that any action that doesn’t cause a change is a wasted one. I might even be bold enough to say a foolish one.

Legend,

I Am Legend!

August 20, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I have emerged.

July 25, 2011 J. 2 Comments

I have been away a while and it isn't that i have had nothing to say. Truth be told, i have had tons to say but unfortunately without the words. my life has drastically changed over the last 2 months. so much so that i do not feel like the same person. all that i have come to know and depend on has proven to be a farce. my little cocoon shattered, though i doubt i have emerged from it a butterfly.
I changed the title of this blog from "Autobiography of a Cancerian" to "The asylum". it seemed only fitting.
i am not a new person, just different. the things that troubled me just a couple of months ago seem like lifetimes ago and frankly don't seem as important. Boys, shopping, parties.. etc. Just minor annoyances now. yes, i definitely am different.
Something in me, my innocence probably, died a horrific death but something else took its place. something fierce. The same thing that hasnt let me shed a tear after the last crying jag.
i lost a hero, a friend and a model. my family has a large crack in it and i hear voices in my head. i truly am a psychward breakout now.
but i found my dealing mechanism. "Shit happens - you get over it". if i dont think of it that way, i just might breakdown all over again.
i might not have emerged a beautiful and graceful butterfly but i HAVE emerged. and at this very point in time, that's is all that matters to me.

braddie,

Rotten luck.

May 24, 2011 J. 0 Comments

i'm not having a good day. not even bearable. i went out for some last minute shopping, withdrew some cash and (here's the kicker) LOST IT! That was the trigger my system needed to crash. i have been teetering on the edge for a while now. barely hanging by the thread but i fought it. i wouldnt let the vast but minute problems in my life outweigh the good. precious moments and all that. but i cant do it anymore. i fight it but life just seems to knock me down harder. and i have no more fight left in me. i want to just curl up in my room for the next decade or so. maybe even longer. i try to be a good person - do the right thing, say the right thing - most of the time, so i cant understand how i keep getting knocked out. maybe i should change sides.

so party plans for tonight are cancelled. i cant muster the energy to smile, laugh and dance. not today. i have a migraine anyway..

.. but i also have a conscience. i couldn't back out on her. i mean i could, but i wont. whose fault is it that i cant seem to make sense of anything? definitely not hers.

i'm just tired. i wanna go back home. i mean my REAL home. in the midst of my haploid donors and their other successfully fertilized embryos. either that or move to the mountains. i'm messed up right now.. definitely NOT good company but i have a Madear in my head. And what i can hear her saying is, "Suck it up and shut the fuck up. Life will always push you down. what you need to do is take control and push it harder, dress up and have a great time tonight. if you don't, you lose and they win. which do you want?"

Did i mention that i was wearing the cutest blazer tonight with my favorite stilettos? oh! and the most adorable earrings. will be sure to post a picture. I hope that answers your question Madear.

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

curious much?!

May 24, 2011 J. 0 Comments

 No, I'm not mad at you.

i'm just scared that i have feelings for you.. or will develop them if we go on this way. and that just cant be. i care too much about you for that. perhaps i'm being a bit selfish. no, i believe the word is self-preserving. Rado my love, we wouldn't last three days out there. we have a good thing going now, if we tried to change it there would be dire consequences. consequences we might not recover from. changing the rules right at this moment would be suicidal, for me anyway. i've been single 6months now, coming from a 5year roller-coaster relationship.

right now i believe we're more in curiosity than in love. the flame dies out, curiosity gets satisfied, then what? i guess we've got friendship but i doubt we will have even that if we continue down this path. i dont have many friends. acquaintances and contacts, yes. but friends, no. do you see where i'm headed?

i've been called perverse (by you) countless times and perhaps you're right. and i wont say i'm doing this for you. i'm not self-sacrificing either. i just dont know whats right for us and until i do, limited contact seems best.

Alone

May 22, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Bin2's split and I am just that, alone. Started packing for Saturday but i'm a bundle of nerves. I haven't spoken to Rado either for reasons it would take too long to explain, requiring time and energy i don't have. If i could have one wish at this very second it would be to disappear. Where, i don't know or care, but i need to just be. My four walls are suffocating me. Making me focus on things i'd rather not. What is it they say about idle minds?
Sigh!
I would go for a walk but somehow i don't think that would accomplish anything, afterall i would have to return home sooner or later. I hate feeling this way. Like i'm the only person on the surface of the fricking earth. Spoke to the fam and Lola too but as soon as the call ends, i'm spiraling right back to square one.


So here's the game plan:
1. Heartfelt playlist (Claude Kelly, Jay Sean, Lee Carr, Neyo, Joe, Boys2Men etc..)
2. Long, hot shower (apricots and jasmine!)
3. Favorite pjamas (Shorts and my brother's t-shirt)
4. Light flavoured, scented candles (Keeps the ghouls at bay)
5. Snuggle with Truffles, Booboo, RooQ ( Jasmeen's angels)
6.  ..and Mortimer! (Atlanteans tend to cheer me up!)
7. Go into major sleep coma ( if i never wake, i would have gone to bed happy)

And to the incessant voice in my head: "Yes, i want to talk to him but i wont.. i can't. Capisce?"

For a moment.

May 21, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I just had a moment. One we've probably all had before. Well, at least according to Robin from HIMYM. Anyway I was on FB when I saw a pic of Ray and Lola. It acted as cAMP and therefore initiated the cascade mechanism that led to 'the moment'. In that moment, looking at that familiar and yet strange face, I could have sworn i felt a stir. A stir that went "if only". Bin2 said, 'seeing your ex' and somehow it explained it more than any words I could find to use.. not right now anyway. Missy Higgins explains it better in 'Where I stood'. It's just a moment and it will pass. So why did i feel the need to write? Here we go again with the 21 questions.


P.s
Bin2's Rufus! Not Ron. My bad! :)

braddie,

Chasing vamps, time travel and other things..

May 20, 2011 J. 0 Comments

I've been away for a while and quite frankly I missed this. Curling up in a corner with my laptop to just write. But as the title suggests I've been busy. Bin2 and I unraveled the secrets and mysteries of Braddie, time traveled to the early 20's and chased a vampire kid (at human pace, so we lost him).. all before dinner! We're like teen superheroes now - Braddie's very own Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable. (B's Ron of course, but don't tell her I said so) :)

In other news, I'M DONE WITH MY EXAMS! I'm no longer a first year student! *huge grin* After undergoing 2 years of A-levels while watching my high school mates get into uni, this is a huge accomplishment for yours truly. Thank you very much!

I'll be leaving Braddie in 8days IsA. It's bittersweet, cuz somehow Brad's home now too, you know. But Bin2's been here and that's made it a whole lot more fun! Plus, I MIGHT be seeing her over the summer too. Yippee!
All in all, everything's been running smoothly over the past couple of days (Reproductive Biology excluded). I probably should make a summer to-do list. It would include driving lessons (don't ask why I haven't done it this whole time), work experience (local hospital, perhaps) and RANGO! ♥

Oh! I also started another blog, Juicy RainDrops! The atmosphere there will be quite different. More Marie than Jasmeen. And most of it will definitely be fictional. The colourful and beautiful things in la-land.. through Marie's rose-colored glasses. Keep an eye out! x

♡

Reckoning.

May 16, 2011 J. 0 Comments

Well, my day of reckoning is here. My exam starts in about 6 hours. I just realized the magnitude of what i've done. But why cry over spilled milk? I'm making a promise here and now, to myself (and Erza), that my biochem won't go the same way ISA. I do feel really silly right at this moment though. It's going to be one LONG and interesting afternoon..

Attention span of a ..

May 14, 2011 J. 2 Comments

First and foremost, you have to understand that I tried. Just wanted to put it out there. But whenever I pick up my lecture note, something happens.. coupled with my short attention span, well that's just a deadly mix.

Anyway, I had the wakiest conversation with Mama.


                           Mama (Die-hard Arsenal fan): 

"So, Tsoho (her younger brother) sent me a message yesterday that went: The best place to hide something from an Arsenal fan is to put it in a trophy".

                  Me: 

 "Hmmm.."

                 Mama:  

 ".. and then he sent another now wanting to know why I didn't call to congratulate him on Man U's victory. Can you imagine him?"

Maybe it was the delivery or the fact that I was just tired but I laughed long and hard after that.

And speaking of short attention spans.. *sigh*
How does that go anyway? There's the short term memory of a gold fish, then short attention span of a *what?* Me, probably.

I think I've got Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, ADHD, without the hyperactivity.. That should explain it. Lets see.. Symptoms.

• Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another (CHECK!)
• Have difficulty maintaining focus on one task (CHECK!)
• Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless doing something enjoyable (CHECK!)

Okay, keep in mind that the list above is from Wikipedia. So its authenticity is in question. Yes. Okay. Bye!

♡