Rebirth
Yes, It's me! Back from the depths of hell. Seems even they don't take whinny brats! So I'm back. Bigger, better and wiser (?).. let's just say stronger. Cuz i am still going to mess up.. bad!I spent the last 2 weeks seesawing between pathetic and dreadfully pathetic and somehow i convinced myself that it was okay. i wasn't hurting anyone after all. WRONG. I was hurting myself. BIG TIME. Turns out i depend on my insane sanity much more than even i know. Without it i just kindda went haywire.
Quick recap..
1. I made a mess of my hair - Deranged as i was, i let myself get talked into putting on a 'lace wig'. It turned out to be the worst 80 quid i have ever spent. Surmise to say i have another salon AP next week.
2. I made an even worse mess of my academics - You wouldn't begin to understand the amount of work i have to do and turn in. Apparently those residing in hell don't do homework.. and/or study. AT ALL!
3. I called Rado - If you honestly need me to explain further then you haven't been listening. (or reading as the case may be)
4. (This probably shouldn't get to me but..) I took this visual behaviour test thingy (not professional) and my results were: dependent, insecure, witty and thoughtful - With the exception of the 'Witty' and perhaps maybe 'Thoughtful' (though that does depend on the context in which it is used, but i'm optimistic), i hate everything there. Dependent? Insecure? I have lived my whole life trying hard not to be either of the two only to have it thrown in my face and (here's the hard part) for me to realise that it was true. Somewhere along the line i did become.. (choke) insecure and dependent. I depend on Mama, Lola, RooQ, Bin2.. Hell i even depend on Gretchen!!! And with dependency came insecurity. The feeling that i just might not be 'enough'. I started to have doubts.. terrible ones. I started to think (and almost believe) that couldn't do it. Not Biomed, not Med school, not anything! It isn't a nice feeling, that i can tell you. I don't wallow. Or cry over nothing. Or lay back and wait to be spoon-fed. That isn't me. Has never been me! I guess somewhere along the way, i started loosing touch with who i was.. what i was.
I AM SUPERWOMAN!!
Through and through. I slay my own dragons and defend my own castle. I am a warrior. A survivor. My mother's daughter. My father's daughter. An enigma. A helpless romantic. An avid reader. A clumsy dancer. An excellent artist with terrible brushwork. I can't read maps and have never understood how compasses work. I can be obsessive, selfish and arrogant.
That is who i am. Who i know. With every fault and flaw, i am who i am. And i would like to never forget that again.
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