Happy 21st Birthday, Lola!

March 31, 2012 J. 0 Comments

Dear Lola,

I am ashamed to admit that I didn't know what to get you for your birthday this year. I thought long and hard about it but the only thing you really wanted i couldn't give to you. You've been so hooked on your desire to have a child that you've left me helpless as to what to get. I thought about getting you one of those Baby Annabelle dolls that cry, poop and sleep. I actually loved the idea until i realised that giving a Baby Annabelle to a 21-year old girl woman, wasn't the best idea i'd ever had. I mean at 21 you could go to war, buy and drink alcohol at a pub, vote, drive and even get married. No, a Baby Annabelle definitely wouldn't do.

21 is THE age. So were 16 and 18 but 21 is suppose be the pinnacle of our lives. I have to make it momentous for you.

Then it hit me.

The perfect idea:  I would take you up on the highest point i could find. And while we're up there i will show you the world (well at least part of it). Show you the numerous possibilities that awaited you. You can literally be anything or do anything. The world is your oyster, your playing field. You only have to play it, live it. Live, for those who have become before you and those who will come after you. Live, for those that you love and those that will love you. Live, because this is a chance that you have been given. Embrace it and live, because not doing so will have made your very existence futile.

Live and leave your footprints in the sands of time.. and in the hearts you will have touched. Live, darling because you only get to do it once. So make mistakes, fall in love, get hurt, be loved, prosper and never, ever  forget the journey.

Have an awesome day.

Bucket loads of love,

Jasmine-Marie.

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- Insert appropriate word here -

March 30, 2012 J. 0 Comments

It's Easter break! *Phew* I can breath again.

I left Braddie as soon as i could (which was 2 hours after my last lecture. Yes, i was that desperate).  Arrived London and headed for the apartment The Folks usually stayed in when they were in town. I regretted it almost instantly. No! regret isn't what i feel. There is a word for what i feel, i just don't have it yet..

I seem to be haunted by the ghosts of my family. Every room, every corridor holds memories that seem to jump out at me. Firstly, I walked through the door to have a vision of my sister running to welcome me. Then i walked out of the kitchen singing 'When you look at me - Christina Milian' and heard my brother make a snide comment about my singing voice. I also had a 10-second conversation with Pappi before i realised that i was standing alone in his bedroom. 

Somewhere in the back of my mind i do know that I'm hallucinating, but i can't seem to help it.  I can actually feel their presence here with me. Then, to stab an already inflamed toe, Ray went and picked today of all days to want to take a walk down memory lane..

"Sometimes when we miss our loved ones to a certain extent, the mind can not help but manifest them from our hearts to our eyes." - MJH

You know, i think i've found that word i didn't have earlier. It's loneliness. I am lonely.

Well now, after putting a face to the enemy i think i know what i need next: Sleep! I am going to let my exhaustion overcome me and hopefully have a dreamless slumber.

Rest well.

Juicy RainDrops! 

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Return of the Psychward breakout!

March 29, 2012 J. 0 Comments

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!!

I think the globally used line is, "it's been a while".. Though that may be an understatement in my case. "It's been ages" seems more like it.

I took a sabbatical-type break from writing. I'd realised that i wrote more than i lived. I wrote about doing things, seeing things and feeling things that i wasn't actually doing. And with each passing day, the possibility of my actually experiencing it all was diminishing. Time was passing me by. 
And then my work got affected. Nothing i wrote made any kind of sense (not that it usually does), but this wasn't my normal insanity. The words seemed hollow and inappropriate. Like a terribly written biography, in that the author cannot even begin to understand the feelings of the subject. I was loosing my connection with the art. It didn't help that my university schedule was as crazy as they came either. Any breathing time i had was dedicated to sleep and 'Bleach'. (Wouldn't you sacrifice a few daily hours for Byakuya too?). Then came the bad news. It broke my heart, it did! *Sigh* But i digress.

After not writing (not including scientific essay reviews of course) for over two months i have come to an astounding conclusion. I would love to tell you that i had an epiphany or something of the sort, but i didn't. I did do, see and feel somethings. Some were pleasant enough while the others made me want to crawl back into my safe zone. But i didn't. Or rather i haven't. I'm still feeling my way through the maze. The further on i move, the more i realise that there isn't  a haven at the centre of the the labyrinth. As long as i want to move further and farther on, i am going to have to always 'dip a toe in the pool' first. There are no certainties. Not in this life anyway. I'm learning to be fine with that. I am also learning to free-fall. And to love and accept myself just the way i am. My new definition of perfect is 'HAPpY!' 

I am currently reading 'Cult of Osiris' by Andy McDermott. I came across it by accident and only after starting did i realise that it was the 5th book of a series. It doesn't ruin the story line at all and the books seem to be independent of each other so i guess i'll just carry on.

I don't think i'll be taking anymore 'leaves' from writing. I've missed it too damn much. 

Juicy RainDrops! 

♡ 




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