Dreams and Nightmares

November 18, 2015 J. 0 Comments


I dreamt about you last night. Though you've remained dancing on the fringes of my mind, I hadn't actively let myself think of you, let alone let you creep into my dreams. I haven't picked up a pen in a month, scared of where my thoughts would lead and therefore the words I'd write. Because I can only write about that which I know. That which I feel. So instead I have only read books. Nora Roberts, Caroline Mortimer and Laura Kinsale. And if I happen to read a line that jumps out of the page and stabs me in the heart then I can smile wistfully and keep reading. Keep forging ahead. Gambare, right?

But today I had a dream. And it was a nightmare. We were in a casino playing blackjack with a couple of your friends. I didn't have any heart - and when your friend let slip that you'd married in the years I haven't seen you and had given life to another, that became literal. For the band aids that have kept my heart together couldn't take anymore and they gave way under that one final assault. And all those pieces that used to make up my heart, crushed and ground into fine dust. In my next breath, they flew way leaving behind an almost empty chest cavity - with only a muscular organ which was still pumping blood to my body parts. Keeping me still in existence if not alive. Extending my torture. 

But then I smiled. And won at blackjack. And then I woke up in my own bed.
I haven't dreamt of you in a long while. 
I haven't even let myself think of you. 

And now I remember why. 
You're the only one who has enough of me to break my heart. 
Even in dreams. 

J.

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i hope you're happy

November 15, 2015 J. 0 Comments



we hadn’t spoken in a while you and i,
and today when we did, we spoke like strangers
we spoke like two people who had just met
or people who knew each other through an acquaintance
we spoke as if we hadn’t known each other’s secrets
as if we hadn’t told each other everything once
as if we hadn’t spent the last decade of our lives being each other's shoulder to cry on, 
each other's hand to hold, each other's sounding board, 
partners-in-crime, we were
helping each other pick up the fragile pieces that was left 
whenever Life would throw us a curve ball
we spoke like strangers
we spoke like to two people who barely knew each other
but we used to know each other, didn't we?

we used to know what made the other cry
we used to know what made the other smile, laugh 
what to say to distract at exactly the right moment
what to say to make the other consider, think
you used to know
i used to know
we used to know.

we used to be these incredibly close people usually referred to as one entity
people would tell one of us a thing 
knowing the other would know about it too
we were those people
but today we spoke like we hardly knew each other
like acquaintances of a meeting or two
we didn’t even talk like colleagues
we didn’t even really talk at all.

and I felt something in me just shift
i don’t know if i’m too broken to feel things break in me anymore
but i felt something shift in me 
something moved from it's original place
like a book that’s been moved from it's place on a shelf
like a Jane Austen being moved to the science fiction section
do you know what I mean?
something was out of place, something didn’t feel right
but like i said 
i am way too broken to know when things break in me
it might have been a vase falling from a pedestal,
a priceless Ming relic shattering into tiny irretrievable, irreplaceable pieces
it could have been, you know?
i don’t feel the shattering that I should feel
i am too broken for that.

i hope you’re happy
i hope you become content
i hope good things for you
i may be broken i am broken, doesn’t mean i don’t wish you well
so be happy
i hope you’re happy
cuz i can’t ask you that anymore
 so i really, really hope you’re happy.

j.

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where we are now

October 27, 2015 J. 0 Comments



It hits me at odd times.
In the middle of a sentence. That moment right before I fall asleep. Or while processing orders at work. That's when it hits. Right between my ribs, it hits, clenches and then slowly dissipates. That is now the definition of you in my life. Sometimes it hits harder than other times. Sometimes it makes me freeze for a moment or two. Like this morning while lining my lips. Or yesterday while saying my evening prayers. You hook in when my guards and wards are down. And I can't help but think during those moments how we got here. 
Then I become thankful to God for having made me cut the strings before now for if I hadn't, you wouldn't just come to me at odd times. You would haunt me like a ghost - all day, everyday.  

Soon you will mean nothing at all but for now, this is where we are. 

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Family

Garlic breath and all.

July 26, 2015 J. 0 Comments

I refused to kiss my mother because she had garlic breath.

She takes one of those natural vitamin supplements and one of them has garlic in it. And i don't mean the deodorized ones. In her case, the more potent the odour, the better (and therefore more natural) it must be. Now to be honest she only takes it at night right before bed time and the kiss was a good night kiss and i hate the stench of garlic (though i love the taste of it in my food :p). Anyway, i just couldn't do it and so from across the room i wished her a good night and left.

I had taken not more than two steps from her door when i had this vision of a probable future where i wake up the next morning and find that i have lost my mother.. and my last memory of her was denying her a good night kiss because of her garlic breath. I went back in there and gave her a big smacking kiss and a hug for good measure. She gave me a questioning look and not being big on verbal expression, i didn't have the words and so i kissed her once again, smiled and left. This time walking out her door the probable future changed to something i could live with.

I am not ready to lose my mother and i don't think i ever will be. But i know it is an inevitability that one of us must depart before the other.

So momma of mine, my best friend, my biggest fan, in bed and asleep right now.. i want you to know that i love you, garlic breath and all.

Love,
J.

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April 29, 2015 J. 0 Comments

I have often wondered if, given a choice, a leopard would change its spots. 
Maybe we are the only ones making a fuss about it. 

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April 01, 2015 J. 0 Comments

The rain came on the third day.
Such a glorious blessing.

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March 12, 2015 J. 0 Comments

I will remember her as a brave, happy woman
because though she was absolutely and undeniably shattered,
she simply refused to drown.

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March 11, 2015 J. 0 Comments

We are human.
We become destructive when overwhelmed.
But I refuse to become a statistic.

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time and rhyme

January 04, 2015 J. 0 Comments



I can feel the distance growing between us everyday 
It began on the day a promise you broke
Under the shade of leaves of oak.
And greater and greater the gap has grown
My rainbow morphed, into hues of grey and brown.
The warrior in me longs to arm up and fight
To slay this evil with all of my might.
With a sword, a bow or a rock
To break down all these walls of block.
To lay siege to everything they signify
And gain the battle scars that will testify.

I can hear the unstoppable wheels of time
Turning and turning, taking that which once was mine.
Soon you will forever be lost to these eyes that see
Sailing away on a different sea.
Maybe sometime for a fragment in space
To Jupiter we both will face.
Will you feel my presence then I wonder?
Where I am, will you ponder?
Like I most definitely would you.
Always, always you.

Now you are gradually fading from my thoughts
And Nature is running it's natural course.
First, love lives and then it dies
But when it's true, it never lies.
So if I should miss you once
Or twice
While doing the simplest of things
Well then know that my heart rings
Its half-muffled bell,
Our memory I could never sell
In remembrance of you.
Always and forever, you.


J.

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