Showing posts with label Night. Show all posts

wicked proposition


I hate how it feels like you’re waiting me out
Like you know I will eventually break down,
change my mind and accept your wicked proposition.

It irks me
It makes me feel like you scoff at my restraint by hovering 
Like a waiting, seducing temptation 
Like I am only putting on a show and 
you are patiently watching for the end
Like I am a child that's being indulged
mollified, so I will not throw a tantrum.

And I am not even tempted. Not at all.

But it feels like you plan to wear me out
Like you are waiting for the loneliness to overcome me
For that one moment when I will not be able to take it anymore
For a crack to appear on the surface 
So you can swoop down like the vulture that you are to ravage.

I ignore you and don’t talk to you 
or answer your calls for weeks, months
My phone always on DND and yet you remain
And not in a way that I can complain about
Or get a restraining order for.

No,
You wait silently, patiently. 
Because you know me so well
And you know that when pushed,
I dive head first in the other direction.
So you're not giving me a real reason to bolt.
You're just quietly undermining me.

You know me well,
And I hate you for it
I hate you for what you represent 
I hate you for doubting my beliefs
I hate you for attempting to break me
I hate that you have what I need from someone that’s mine
And you are not mine
And I don't want you to be.

And yet, lately
I have begun to wonder if this is it
What if this is the best I can get?
Because it means that I will walk away from what would be the best I can get/

Now in my 30s, 
I am beginning to hear that clock ticking and it scares me
Even when I don’t know its face.

I don’t want to end up alone
I don’t want to have a heart attack, alone in my home
I want to pass away while someone holds my hand 
With promises to reunite on the other side
I don’t want my corpse to only be found weeks after I pass.

You tempt me with all these possibilities that you cannot even give to me
Even if I do break and allow you in.

And honestly, this is the reason why I hate you the most.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Be careful what you wish for..


This is why one shouldn’t complain
Especially not about good things.

I complained about a lack of fuel.
The pain that fuels my work and creativity
I complained that I had healed and lacked fuel.

Well the heavens heard my cry
And promptly fulfilled my wish
Now I am filled to the brim with an abundance of fuel.

Yay me.
Yes - I will bleed constantly, but I will make art.
After all, it is required for a beautiful pie-ce.


1819100523
 Juicy Raindrops! ♡

is this what it takes?


I know you are in pain.
I know you are not content.
I know that she is not the easiest person to live with.
I know it is well within your rights.
But..

But I CANNOT HELP THE WAY I FEEL!!!

And what I feel is that 
you want to make a new family that will satisfy you better.
You are risking what we already have, 
held together by bandages that it is, 
for a gamble. 

There is no way that this decision will FIX us 
so this isn’t to FIX what we have
it is to give yourself an escape. 
Another option. 
Another go at it. 
Something shiny, new and better.

I feel awful even thinking it. 
Call me selfish, call me immature, 
call me whatever you want 
- but I have to get it out 
or I will not be able to stop crying my heart out right now.

All I can hear is that you have given up on this family. On us.
Will it truly make you happy Baba?
Will burning down the house we already have make you happy?
Will it take the pain away?
Will a new family be what it takes to make you content now?

If it truly will, 
I will find it in myself not to resent you for giving up on us

But not now... not today.


1712100523
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Delayed reaction


You know,
I really don’t like delayed reactions.
Sometimes the opportunity for some badass, epic comebacks is lost.
Other times you will be making your bed on a Wednesday afternoon
After forcefully pulling yourself out of it
and suddenly end up in a puddle on the floor 
drowning in a pool of your own tears like Little Alice.

I thought I was fine.
I really did.
When she told me, i thought I was fine. 
For days.
Almost an entire week.
And then today I broke down without warning.

I should have known. 
My vague reaction to such shocking news should have been a warning. 
I should be able to recognise the signs by now. 
Fully immersing myself in the fictional, magical world of books
Unwilling to leave my bed for days
Craving connection and yet denying myself, 
Being overly bright and compensating when in company..

My mind was protecting me from the harsher emotions as usual. 
Letting me feel them in small increments over time 
so it doesn’t overload, short-circuit and crash. 
So my heart doesn’t cease beating in shock.
So I don’t end up clutching my blanket on the floor 
barely able to take a full breath through rapid gasps
barely able to type through my tears.

1712100523
 Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Borrowed light


They say the moon doesn’t shine
That it simply mooches off the light of the sun. 

Yet despite all the twinkling, shiny stars in the dark sky on this eerie night
the only thing I can see is the moon.

Borrowed light it may be,
but it is what guides the path before me in this new and strange world. 
And for me, that is enough.

061122 2213
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

The only way


I have already come too far
I have not only drunk the kool-aid
I have bathed in it
So it is too late for me
There is only one path before me and 
The only way is through

I can’t go back
I don’t want to go back
I have already come so far
I am in way too deep

Even risking a single glance backwards
will open portals to worlds of regret
And I have given up too much
Risked too much
Sacrificed too much
Lost too much on this path of mine
For this belief I hold so tight
That I cannot even entertain the possibility of an alternative

If I didn’t back then -
Even when it was difficult
Even when I didn’t fully understand it
Even when it just was a small feeling in my gut 
- Back when it would have made a difference
But I held on tightly
And let go even as I felt my soul split and crack
Even as my heart soundlessly shattered

I can’t go back
I don’t want to go back
I have already come so far
I am in way too deep

There is only one path before me and 
The only way is through.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

By fire


Some times the words cannot bear it anymore and they force themselves out from within 
And I hear them
The ones she says and the ones she does not
Honestly sometimes I wish she would just say them all.
So we can get it all over with
I do not know if this slight regret I’ve begun to feel is mine
Or hers
Am I just empathically absorbing again 
Or is it all me?
50:50 maybe?

But regret is a useless emotion if you do not learn from it
So whether or not these feelings are inherently mine
I will take the lessons they teach me
And the ones I have been learning about being more open to the unknown 
I will take the lessons and I will live on.

I am not one to cry over spilled milk and closed doors
This, again, is another lesson I learned after repetitive storms
It is the gold line in the shape of butterfly wings that graces my back
It was a lesson learned by fire.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Heartfelt truths


You want me to trust you with my heart
To trust you to not change your mind 
To not alter when alteration finds.

My heart desires an ever fixed point 
Assurance you can not give it 
And my heart will not settle for less.

Cowardice it might be 
But truth it is. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
0532 150223

How to quit smoking


Maybe I shouldn’t use so much gasoline. Or maybe I need more? Hmm.. I’ve never had to start a bonfire before. I took the pages from all the dreams and hopes I had and made a little hill of them. There were photographs of things I thought would be, things I had romanticised and wanted to make a reality of - just by the power of my desire. But relationships need actual work and time. Like a sapling they need water, food, good soil and at least 6 hours of sunlight daily to grow. We gave too much of some and much too little of the others. There was no balance and so we stagnated and now are dry and brown in several significant places and not even super-gro can save us anymore.

I take a deep, long draw from the cigarette in my hand and I give the pages and photographs a last cursory look. I never thought it would come to this, you see. I kept holding out hope that things would only get better. That with age and wisdom we would only understand each other more but the reverse seems to be happening. We are mis-communicating even more everyday and my heart keeps hurting. Our sapling has no more leaves on it and looks like a toothpick stuck in pot of mud.

/another draw of the cig/

I cannot keep living this way. This is my biggest trauma and as it is one that i keep reliving daily i am unable to heal. I keep poking at it and even when I do not, new ones are inflicted upon me. I do not like who I am sometimes. The reactions that have become my default setting to protect myself, to protect my little ones, to keep the peace, to do as my Lord says. Responsibilities that shouldn’t be mine alone .. excess baggage i carry.. bleeding all over those who do not know of my injuries. 

/another draw of the cig/

This is on me. We are a culmination of all our life choices and I have everyday made the decision to stay, deny the obvious and even go as far as to call it unconditional love.

/watching the smoke i exhale merge with the wind and get blown away/

I do not think I can keep living like this. Not if i want to maintain even a shred of sanity anyway. And while sanity isn’t something I particularly advocate for, being a psych ward breakout and all, even I have to admit that this is the kind of sanity I absolutely need to live a wholesome life with whatever time I have left here. They say to quit smoking, you have to not put cigarettes in your mouth one day at a time. What better time to begin than right now?

/tosses unfinished cig on mountain of broken dreams and watches the flames instantly come to life/

I thought it would hurt to watch the flames rise. Instead I feel lighter as if I have finally stopped fighting against a current determined to flow the other way. Maybe this is what Mr Tolle meant about giving off a negative charge. I thought I understood that line but in this moment I find that it has new meaning for me. Imagine that. 

/watches the flames as they begin to die/

I think I’m ready to begin healing now.

/walks away finally/

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

P.s.:
I am raw right now writing this. I haven’t had a chance to read it over, edit and make it ‘pretty’ and ‘cohesive’. I didn't draft this like the rest and come back to edit it weeks or even months later. I apologise for any typos and inconsistencies. However, this is me right this very moment. Because this is big. It matters. and this feel right right now. So I will publish this now. As it is. As i am.

Nox


Do you ever just marvel at the wonder of life and all it entails?

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

How?


And when you asked me why I don’t come to you on my dark days.

I couldn’t understand it. 


How could I explain to you that I didn’t know how?


Juicy Raindrops! ♡

A light lost to time


You know I’ve often wondered if anyone would notice.
If there would be any kind of memorial for that piece of my soul i would give up to become Serenity.
Would the ones who knew her before mourn the loss of her light?
Her naivety? Her almost childlike wonder of the world around her?
Would they even notice? And if they did, would they shrug it off as expected?
Would they sigh in relief that she had finally “grown up”?
When she makes new friends and meets new acquaintances
Will they tell them about the light they had missed?
Would they lament over it
And cherish they memories of she who had been lost to time?

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Jasmine of Diana


I am the daughter of the moon
Jasmine of Diana 
Birth’d of sea foam and pollen 
carried on the tail wind of Boreas of the North.

I was created a wee thing
Amorphous; soft and vulnerable.
Like a sponge i absorbed all i came across.
Light, love, air and darkness.

While the light filled me, the darkness seduced me
So I wrapped my soul around them both and created a cocoon.
I found form in my chrysalis
And burst forth as Serenity. 


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
070920

Items in mirrors are closer than they appear.


Looking at the past through the rear view mirror
It’s been a decade
I have written all the goodbyes and all the fare-the-wells
But my heartstrings have refused to get the memo
They still wrap around the ghost of you 
Even the shadow of you is long gone
And yet
Yet
The truth is 
Items in mirrors are closer than they appear

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Despite you, without condition


I don’t mind making you feel good 
Or wiping your tears,
They hurt me almost as much as they hurt you
I wanted to absorb them from you 
To take my share of happiness and give it up in exchange for your sorrows.

I didn’t mind being there for you
Defending you 
Even apologising for you 
I never minded.

Even when it got really hard
Even when you didn’t make it easy 
Even when you lashed out at me 
Even when I got hurt and frustrated 
Even when you never acknowledged it 
Or me.

I tried to walk away but my legs wouldn’t move
Due to a small fact I realised long ago
Today I immortalise the words by
releasing them into the cosmos and giving them (more) power: 

Mother Dearest, I love you.
Despite you. 
Without condition. 

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

As man forgets


I know that man forgets.
I know this. 
But has it really been so long now that the veneer has worn off completely?
Is that why I can get kicked down today for my inability?
As if I wouldn’t if I could.
As if I didn’t when I could. 

I know that man forgets, but did you ever see me at all?
All those times when you didn’t even have to ask.
I don’t remember all the times myself
because it was never a tally 
It was that I would do many things for you 
And so I did.

But alas you’ve forgotten now as men tend to.
And I do know that man forgets 
I just wish that your words hadn’t felt like claws 
being scraped incessantly against on a wall.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

It's okay not to be okay.


Everything inspires me and yet few things do. This movie inspired me to write. 
And that’s something I do not take for granted.
It really is okay to not be okay. 


Juicy Raindrops! ♡

August


For many years I hated August
I thought it came around to test me in ways I did not want to be tested 
To challenge the boundaries of my sanity
And leave bloody fingerprints on the walls of my sanctuary.
I have had my heart broken in August, twice
My turbulent love waltz began in August all those years ago
And in true form crumbled in another August almost a decade later.

A lot of huge (unpleasant) changes in my life have occurred in August
Changes i didn't like or want
Changes that demanded more from me than i was willing to give
Changes that forced me out of my comfort zone
Changes that left me broken on the bathroom floor 
Trying to glue myself back together 
Yeah, I definitely hated August.

But this August, 
The thirty-first one I have experienced, came with a realisation.
August does not come to break and torment me 
It comes to transform and rebuild me
and transformation is never pretty.

Here’s to this August.
The first one I have ever liked not hated.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
0707 030922

Live.. i dare you!


It simply popped into my head of out seemingly no where on a regular Friday evening while I was in the studio. The thought that I don't reach for what I want. That living this cautious life was fine and dandy but regret was a pill that remained bitter even after the initial taste. 

I am 30 years old. I have made several choices in my life. And many I would make over and over again. Some though, until recently, until this thought - I believed I would make again but I know that to be false now. I loved and lived cautiously. I never dared! And on those brief occasions when I dipped my little toe into the sea of life and felt the cold I snatched it right back and fell into the warm safety of my shell. 

Cocooned, familiar and safe. Watching from within the safe confines for my own pre-arranged boundaries. But it was such a limited view. What about the whip of the fresh sea breeze in my hair, on my face? What about the feel of the sand between my toes and that of the ocean as it reaches it waves and wraps them around my ankles drawing me into itself? The warmth of the sun as it shines and the comfort of the rain as it falls and drenches every part of me. 

I don’t want to live in a shell anymore. I want to dare. To not make decisions from a place of fear, desolation and loneliness. I am the fucking Sun and Moon. All at once and all the time. I will not shrink. I will not be meek. I will not be speechless. 

No longer.

Go on Jas, live boldly. I dare you!

 Juicy Raindrops! ♡
200621

Not really yours but yours for a time.

"What is yours can’t be taken away"
That's what you believe. 

The truth is:
What is yours can be taken away if you mistreat it.
What is yours can change its mind.
What is yours can choose to belong to another 
What is yours might have requirements you cannot provide. 

All that you think is yours is borrowed.
Transient. 
Temporary. 

Because this whole journey is ephemeral.
Remember that.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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