Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts

No more


That last little crumble of you faded today 
I felt it leave
I even waved it goodbye
Like that old blue T-shirt 
Faded from too many washes
Faded from too much wears
I gave it away on my own 
It didn’t need to be taken from me
I knew when it was time to let go 
It is time now
I am not waiting for you anymore.

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 Juicy Raindrops! ♡

For you.. at last.

So today I am expecting you. I have made myself up and I smell like sin. If you do not come, you will crush me. Again. As I made up I told myself that it was purely for me. For vanity. For you to pause, stare, gulp, regret. But as I sit here feigning indifference I know the truth. My heart whispers it softly. Because if you turned up with a dozen red roses, a black velvet box, on bended knee, I would say yes. I have always said yes to you.
Even without the bended knee.
Even without the roses.
Even without the velvet box.
Even when you do not ask. 
Aftermath.
I knew I shouldn't have agreed to meet with you. I was over you and no good could come from it. I should have sent your stuff through the mail like I had wanted to. But you asked to see me and perversely I wanted to see you too. So I agreed.
Idiot.
We took that memory lane, for why wouldn't we? The blames and reasons. You wanted to know, I couldn't ask. For I am the cautious one between us. I have to keep my head because if I don't, we will both be lost.
“Why didn't you?”
So here I am. Sitting on the staircase. Remembering your face as you left. I snuck a look back as you car drove past, I had to. And when I caught you looking back, I looked away. Because this is the last time I will see you. As I left your car, I teased you and told you I'd see you in 4 years.. and you'd probably have 3 kids by then. We laughed about it. You didn't know it was my goodbye. Perhaps I didn't know it too. Not until you drove away and I walked into my garden. Somewhere between the roses and dahlias, I made my peace with it and regained some of my equilibrium. You could throw it all off again, but you won't. You wouldn't bother to. And that's fine, for this really is goodbye.
I will not write about you anymore. You can't write about a ghost. We've been star-crossed for as long as we've known each other. Without such fodder for my imagination, I'm sure the inspiration will die too.
Be happy my almost never lover.
I pray it for you. 
Goodbye.

Once in a blue moon


I came back late enough to see the moon hanging in the sky.
It was a new moon, I noticed
and even then I knew tonight was one of those nights.
I went in, showered and ate – mechanically, automatically
performing my ablutions and keeping to my normal routine.
Then I made it to my room and it all came flooding in

The night was of prom
Have you ever thought what a weird word that is: prom.
Seems like it should be short for something
Like say, promise.
That would suit just nicely because it was on such a night
That we made our promises.

That night, almost 10 years ago that we sat side by side,
watching our friends dance, scream and celebrate
the end of a phase of their lives.
I remember that night so vividly even after all this time.
The lights in the hall were dim but I can see the way you looked,
Remember the way I felt, the song that was playing.
You said the words to me quietly, 
so quietly that if my head hadn’t been on your shoulder, 
I would have missed it.
I looked up at you, you looked down at me.
I remember wondering if I had imagined it.
If perhaps I had been so much in the moment that my overactive imagination
had decided to make a great night perfect.
But there was a question in your eyes, you were waiting for me
I know because I have waited for you too and just like that it all fit neatly -
Like a key in a lock.
The words “I love you” are a promise.
And that night we made each other a promise.
Promises we both broke.

On nights like this, with a new moon hanging overhead,
I think of the what-would-have-been’s and wonder where we went wrong,
If we could have done things differently - 
You would have said the right thing
and I would have done the right thing.

On nights like this,
I miss us something fierce.
The boy you were, the girl I was.
And I get so tempted to call you
Just to hear your voice, to see if i remember it right.
I wonder if you remember it all as clearly as I do.
I wonder if you wonder about us at all on these blue moon nights.

I wonder if you remember that we didn’t fight for us
You were the loser who gave up too soon
and I was the arrogant one who wouldn’t fight alone.
Then time passed as it does and we both changed
and there was nothing left to come back to even if we had wanted to.
You moved to another and then another
and I found bigger goals than simply being the eternal love of your life.

I don’t regret loving you.
Even if I think that you and I were simply a waste of potential.
But on nights like these,
I wonder where we would have been now 
had you been a storm weather-er and I a little braver. 

J.

One, two, three…

I noticed that “First Love” has quickly moved up the ranks of my most popular posts over the last couple of weeks. The only other piece I wrote that moved up that fast was “How to get out of friend-zone”.  Anyway, since you all have decided to (selfishly) not share your first love stories with me, I’ll share mine in as few words as I can. It is not possible to do justice to this tale in so little words but alas, I fear that if I stare too long into that abyss it will stare right back.

J.
***  *** ***
One, two, three…

He was a boy.
I’d known him a long time
But he was just a boy.

And then suddenly he wasn’t.
Suddenly I knew the way he smelled.
Suddenly I could tell the tale of every line on his face.
Suddenly he was part of the most important things to me.

But we were only 14.
Drunk on hormones
How could it even be remotely true?
What did we know?

 And then we were 16.
The feel of my hands in his,
His lips on mine
The butterflies in my gut.
The feelings only got deeper.

And then we were 19
And still my heart beat for only him.
Our souls were entwined in this endless dance.
The earth was just one giant ballroom
And nature itself played the tune to our waltz
One, two, three… One, two, three… One, two, three…
Our steps echoed in the stillness.

For years that seemed more like decades we danced
Twirling and swirling
Parting and returning
One, two, three… One, two, three… One, two, three…
Until we didn’t return anymore
One, two, three.. One, two, three.. One, two, three seven...♥

The way old friends do

Lola and I had a quibble. You know that quibble, right? The one you have with your best friend over a 'very serious matter' which you never can seem to remember and/or explain.

...and when you make up it's like nothing ever happened.
It all got me thinking about friendship and the kind of bonds we make. You don't go looking for it, it finds you. Fate. In our case it was Lola who found me and for that I'll forever be thankful. :)

...and then you get to a point when your silences are shared and comfortable. When only a single look can transmit a 1, 000 words.
You will fight and exchange words but you make up because even then you know that during your times of joy and sorrow there's no one you'd rather share it with.. you don't worry about your tomorrows because you know you're going to be facing it together...

She has seen you at your very worst and lowest. Through foiled plans, broken hearts, bad hair days and hang overs.


Here's to you, me, and those special friends that we are blessed with! Here's to us!

Kindness needs no words..

I have this thing i do where i mute my tv when i'm reading. It's probably psychological but the images without the sound helps me focus. Anyway, a couple of minutes ago i decided to take a break from my Viva preparation. I turned to the tv to witness a most heartwarming sight. A little girl (about 9 years old) was seated outside about to eat her hot bun when she notices a woman with her child in her arms, and two younger children begging on the street and giving flowers in turn for kindness. No one was paying attention to them. Some of the passers-by actually walked right past them without even glancing up .. but not this little girl. She caught the eye of the younger daughter and saw the longing in her eyes so she went over to hand the bun over to her. After receiving what seemed like a nod from her mother, the young beggar girl collected the bun and dived in. Her older sister then ran after the kind little girl to hand her a flower in gratitude.
My tv was muted of course and i couldn't hear a word of all this but i was moved. I felt a rush of so many emotions all at once. I want to change the world, i really do. Scoff all you want but I will do it, ISA. Even if it's only one life i get to change, it will be a start. I just checked and the movie is called, 'The Little Princess'.

This probably seems silly but it was blog worthy! I have to go now. Busy bee and all that.

Juicy RainDrops!!

Crazy, Stupid Love

                                   "... Love is the biggest scam of all"
A kid said that, heartbroken and in despair, and all i could think was what a great line it was. I had no problem at all believing it. Love is a sick and twisted play of  neurotransmitters in the CNS creating an illusion we have almost worshipped over the years. We have cried for it, died for it. Some have even killed for it. I just don't think that it's worth it.

My excuse?
Nothing.

I have not be scarred beyond repair by some high school/college beau. Hell, i was the one to bring my last relationship to an end. My parents are still together after 22 years. I have led a very sheltered and pampered life. i guess i am just who i am.

What gets to me most is that i used to believe in all this stuff. Love, relationships, marriage, little white picket fences... the whole works. The question is. "What happened to me?"

Looking at the kid's face at the end of the movie, it hit me. i couldn't help but feel cheated. like i had lost, that something had been stolen from me.

i want it back!

In other news, HP weekend comes to a end tonight.. and it's back to business. Got a PPS 1 test on thursday too. In case i don't return, don't take it personal, just blame education (i do!)

Juicy RainDrops! ♡
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