Rado

at least

May 24, 2016 J. 0 Comments



i am writing right now
because it has always been easy to write about you
and because I feel compelled to
after that sweet lane of memory we just strolled through.

i have been mad at you, furious even
i have hit you,
punched you,
kicked you,
thrown stuff at you
and have even come precariously close to hating you.

but the line is thin.

i have also loved you,
i have laughed at you, with you,
teased you,
adored you,
wanted you
and for a time, I chose you.

now we have a curious relationship
we stick to the same routine conversations every time
4days and 4weeks
bored out of our minds
unable to change
because at least we are together
at least we have each other
it is better than those long months we spent apart
so we will take what we can
and on those increasingly rare days,
we can even convince ourselves that we actually believe it.

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Love

Once in a blue moon

January 13, 2016 J. 0 Comments


I came back late enough to see the moon hanging in the sky.
It was a new moon, I noticed
and even then I knew tonight was one of those nights.
I went in, showered and ate – mechanically, automatically
performing my ablutions and keeping to my normal routine.
Then I made it to my room and it all came flooding in

The night was of prom
Have you ever thought what a weird word that is: prom.
Seems like it should be short for something
Like say, promise.
That would suit just nicely because it was on such a night
That we made our promises.

That night, almost 10 years ago that we sat side by side,
watching our friends dance, scream and celebrate
the end of a phase of their lives.
I remember that night so vividly even after all this time.
The lights in the hall were dim but I can see the way you looked,
Remember the way I felt, the song that was playing.
You said the words to me quietly, 
so quietly that if my head hadn’t been on your shoulder, 
I would have missed it.
I looked up at you, you looked down at me.
I remember wondering if I had imagined it.
If perhaps I had been so much in the moment that my overactive imagination
had decided to make a great night perfect.
But there was a question in your eyes, you were waiting for me
I know because I have waited for you too and just like that it all fit neatly -
Like a key in a lock.
The words “I love you” are a promise.
And that night we made each other a promise.
Promises we both broke.

On nights like this, with a new moon hanging overhead,
I think of the what-would-have-been’s and wonder where we went wrong,
If we could have done things differently - 
You would have said the right thing
and I would have done the right thing.

On nights like this,
I miss us something fierce.
The boy you were, the girl I was.
And I get so tempted to call you
Just to hear your voice, to see if i remember it right.
I wonder if you remember it all as clearly as I do.
I wonder if you wonder about us at all on these blue moon nights.

I wonder if you remember that we didn’t fight for us
You were the loser who gave up too soon
and I was the arrogant one who wouldn’t fight alone.
Then time passed as it does and we both changed
and there was nothing left to come back to even if we had wanted to.
You moved to another and then another
and I found bigger goals than simply being the eternal love of your life.

I don’t regret loving you.
Even if I think that you and I were simply a waste of potential.
But on nights like these,
I wonder where we would have been now 
had you been a storm weather-er and I a little braver. 

J.

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