0451-290912

September 29, 2012 J. 0 Comments

 
I have been holding back the tears for over a week now. A strong woman isn’t one that cries over everything that goes wrong. No, that isn’t she. That isn’t me. A strong woman is one who stands up and dusts herself up. That was what I did.

I didn’t cry even when all the things I’d been planning to make my journey as easy and bearable as it could be fell through. I adjusted instead. Adapted.

Then the tears threatened to fall during my conversation with Lola. Then there was Rado. It brought it all to the surface. And then there was Kuchi. *sigh*

I refuse to dwell on things I cannot change. Summer is over and I am back in Braddie. Time has moved forward and so have I. I could’ve done things better, I know that now but judging me and passing remarks about me isn’t going to make me apologize and/or explain myself. Ironically, it’ll only make me shut up more.

Yes, I don’t call and text everyone every minute of every day. But those that bother to do me, I do them. And as long as they’re confident in the fact that I’ll always be there when the tides turn for them, then I think that is enough. I play my part and do a damn good job of it too.

This is just who I am. I do better on my own. People are fickle and undependable. I depend on me. I’ll need a very good reason to change my beliefs.

I am not consciously stopping the tears you know. I actually do want to cry now so I can release the pressure in my head and chest. Maybe then I’ll be able to sleep. But this heart of mine is proving its stubbornness. It refuses to expose that much emotion even in the darkness and privacy of my own room.

I stood outside the balcony and watched the solitary moon. Once I had thought it terribly lonely. Now I see that when it needs company, it has them.

I guess I expected more from Rado. From someone who supposedly loves me, he should be able to BE that much for me. But I do understand that he was partly worried, partly mad and exasperated with me. I am with him too. But it doesn’t change my decision to keep us on a totally platonic level. He should respect me enough to respect my wishes. Even if he doesn’t fully understand them. That is faith. That is trust. That is love.

I’m going to go cry now.
Rado

connection error

September 28, 2012 J. 0 Comments

i haven't written in a while. i didn't feel the need to. plus, it was summer and i was growing.

but here i am today. i am writing. and it is because of him. the one man who i am always able to write about so freely. i'm writing about Rado.

with so many factors against us i wonder how it is that we can still even talk to each other at all. if you can call what we do now talking, that is. but somehow we find a way to do just that.

we end up fighting and not speaking afterwards of course, but we always find our way to back. i wonder how many strikes we have left.

i shouldn't feel this way. neither of us should. it would make picking up the phone so much easier. i remember a time when it was so. but if we didn't feel this way, would we have any need for the phone?

sometimes i think our cue has passed and it was a one-night-only performance. other times i think our soundtrack hasn't been put on yet. i wonder which one of the two is actually wishful-thinking on my path.

i want to talk to him. right at this very moment. but i wont.

anyway, the line is busy again.

0 comments:

Growth,

To be; Or not to be

September 22, 2012 J. 0 Comments

Speaking of life changing decisions, there's a topic i have been hesitant to address - My future career, which isn't so future anymore. Next year i will be done with Biomed ISA. Now, I've thought really long and hard about this.. and i hope that i have made the right decision. Bomb-shell alert!

I have decided to not apply for Medical School after all.

God, going to medical school and becoming a doctor is all i have known for a very long time and now, it isn't what i seem to want anymore. My decision doesn't stem from any sort or form of under-confidence. I am too self-assured (vain?) for that but I do have other reasons:

1. Biomedical Science:
I didn't intend to, believe me, it just hit me but i am in love with Biomed. I love what i do, what i learn, the critical thinking, the frustrating hours, even immunology! Biomed was initially just a means to an end for me.. with the end being Medicine of course. I had been too immature and unprepared to tackle it at 18. Biomed was suppose to give me the experience, growth and confidence i needed, but in the end i wound up falling for it, i love it! Biomed is a laid-back kind of course but at the same time not boring, which makes it almost tailor-cut for me.


2. Hard work:
I am honest enough to admit that i am a lazy bum. Okay that's incorrect but i have thought about the work involved in pursuing a career in medicine. I have listened to med students and residents alike. Read blogged accounts of those who are going through and those who have gone through it. I envisioned myself in that position and well, it wasn't a pretty image. Not that i ever expected it to be one. But it was more gruesome and demoralizing than i had initially thought. I am in a very precarious state of sanity as it is (hence the psych-ward breakout), i fear that if i put that kind of pressure on myself, i would eventually go over the deep end.

What i have learned from my rather limited survey is that brains alone won't get me through med school. Med school (as i understand it) is 70% hard work, 30% brilliance. I'd have to put in 102% of myself all the time for 4 years. I don't mind the time range, it's the work FORCE that inhibits me. I do work hard for things i want, but sometimes not hard enough. I don't want this to be one of those cases. Plus, i have so many plans for my biomed degree too, ISA.

This is all so much easier to talk about than I'd initially thought. I am not sad. I feel empowered that i was able to make such a huge decision for myself.. and a huge one, it is! I am not a failure. I am just wiser and more insightful than i once was. At first it felt like i was letting go of a major part of me but then i realized that i was substituting one dream for another. Paving the way for change and hopefully better things. Kind of like letting go of Ray; it was needed for my growth and development. Ha, ha! Perhaps i may have grown after all (just not taller, still the height of an average 14-year old boy). *sigh*

There is no 'right' choice i believe. but if there were one, i hope i have made it.


Juicy RainDrops! ♡

P.s
I got into my final year specialization option - Medical Biochemistry. And my grades were really, really good too (way above average). i guess i really can achieve things when i put my back into it.
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)