summer fling

December 15, 2024 J. 0 Comments

i did you wrong
i know it.

i also know that saying it was never going to work anyway, 

sounds extremely patronising

because the truth is that i could have given you a chance
i could have given us a chance, 

i could have tried for us,
for you

but i did not. 
consciously. intentionally.

in retrospect i never saw beyond our differences 
beyond all the ways in which we were unsuitable
and for that reason, i let you get as close as you did
because you were no threat to my mummified heart.
it was selfish of me
but i was curious and honestly, a little bored
and i thought it was the same for you.
i refused to believe anything else.

but then, you broke the rules and surprised me
repeatedly. 
you found the gold in my eyes that i had forgotten existed
you took my hand and held on even when i tried to playfully shrug you off
you made me see myself through your eyes
and reminded me what it was like to feel wanted
chosen. seen.

you made us drive around town to find tom-tom when i had a cold
i protested, you insisted
my heartstrings twitched 
awakening from their atrophied state
and the panic began to set it.

it only escalated when you convinced me

to take a bite of that forbidden fruit too.

i knew as i left you that night that it was the last time i would see you.

i did you wrong
i know it.
but then you’ve ruined tom-tom for me

it now has an extra sour flavour of guilt.

the scales have been balanced.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡