an old wound

February 26, 2014 J. 0 Comments

i was feeling nostalgic so i read a journal of mine from some years back and i found this piece i'd once written. it had me thinking about young love and heartbreaks. i've had my heart broken twice before. I don't know if people ever actually admit to this stuff but yea, i did. and enough time has passed that it doesn't kick like it used to before.

people will always change from your perceptions of them. sometimes the change is small and insignificant but other times they change in a way that differs from your own path and then you have to make the huge decision of either leaving or staying. most times i would vote 'stay'..  but not when you begin to lose yourself in the process. i did. so i left.

               ***               ***             ***

 Through with this love

Nothing like nightfall and insomnia to set this girl in motion. I have cried till my insides hurt. There’s no need to start with any introduction. I’ve hardly ever felt the need not to more than I do now. No cute words about adoration and love lost. It’s simple. I love you! Those words have never felt heavier to me. I have never said them with as little or no enthusiasm as I just did. You want to know why? Because I loath the feeling. Not of love. But that it’s you that I love so. I have tried as much as I can to move mountains just so this works. But you really can’t fix what’s not broken, can you? Time and time again I serve you my heart on a silver platter with gold trimmings and ever so faithfully you shoot me down every time. This is not easy for me to admit. But acceptance is the first step, right? The sooner we get this over and done with, the better. For me at least. You keep and need me to continuously feed your fragile ego. You have no confidence in yourself. So you use me to feel better about yourself.. while slowly depleting my own self-worth. You know the irony of the situation is that, had you cared enough (this is just sad!), but I would have eventually had you seeing you as I do. Through my eyes, you walked on water. Not because of your fancy clothes and designer shoes but because I was deluded enough to see a nobility in you. My very own dark knight! LOL.. It’s laughable isn’t it? You'll have to forgive my overly romantic heart. I fed the flames of my feelings for you because I thought you were still unscathed and I never wanted that for you. I wanted to preserve what I saw in you before the harsh world took it away from you. Darling, I wanted to preserve your innocence. But I’ve been blinded by my love for you. So blinded that I didn’t see what you were becoming. What you have already become. If ONLY you could see how far down from the pedestal you've fallen. You could do no wrong but now that’s all you seem to do. You have let love for a materialistic world blind you. Usually that’s not a bad thing but when you get so caught up in it that you forget that it’s all a game then you’re screwed. What happened to the boy who told me that no matter what he knew what he was about? Ha! I guess we all get caught up in the drama sometime. I told you I’d been there. I told you my gruesome stories but one just has to get burnt to appreciate fire. I didn’t want that for you. I figured that I’d experienced it for us both and you needn’t have to. I was too protective of you. Maybe it made you feel caged? Hmm.. now we’ll never know because I’m not going to hang around to watch you do whatchu do now. I’m through putting you first EVERY TIME and I’m through trying to make you see that here is where you wanna be. I’m through fighting for this because then at least there'd been something worth fighting for. Now, it’s just a blind man’s errand. Maybe I’ll never stop having feelings for you because of how deep they run but I sure as hell won’t let that have even the most remote influence on me anymore. I guess all I’ve been saying has been leading up to one thing – I’m done here and I’m out! 

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Death

The wait II

February 26, 2014 J. 0 Comments


So here we are again. Back to the waiting. 

In the last week, he had stabilized and been moved out of the ICU. I visit him often. Almost everyday before I leave work, I stop by to see him. He looks weak and old, more so than I've ever seen him look and sometimes he doesn't even seem to know who I am. But most times he's asleep. And peaceful. And i sit by his bedside.

But now he's been moved back. And we're back. To waiting. 

.. 

We didn't have to wait long. Almost immediately, the wait ended. And with it came a personal realization. 

I would have rather had the wait. 

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Poetry

a smile to remember

February 23, 2014 J. 0 Comments

..
So i found Charles Bukowski and i think i'm slightly obsessed. How did i not know of him waaaay before now? I guess everything has its time. This poem is one of my favourites.

 -------------------------------------------------------------
a smile to remember
 
we had goldfish and they circled around and around
in the bowl on the table near the heavy drapes
covering the picture window and
my mother, always smiling, wanting us all
to be happy, told me, "be happy Henry!"
and she was right: it's better to be happy if you
can
but my father continued to beat her and me several times a week
     while
raging inside his 6-foot-two frame because he couldn't
understand what was attacking him from within.
my mother, poor fish,
wanting to be happy, beaten two or three times a
week, telling me to be happy: "Henry, smile!
why don't you ever smile?"
and then she would smile, to show me how, and it was the
saddest smile I ever saw
one day the goldfish died, all five of them,
they floated on the water, on their sides, their
eyes still open,
and when my father got home he threw them to the cat
there on the kitchen floor and we watched as my mother
smile.
[source: bukowski.net] <-- pay a visit sometime. you won't regret it. i didn't!
Juicy Raindrops!

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2205-200214

February 20, 2014 J. 0 Comments


I went on Facebook and saw this: 


Helpless romantic that I am, I turned to mush. 

May we be so fortunate. 

Juicy Raindrops!  


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February 19, 2014 J. 0 Comments


Do you think that normal people sit and wonder if they are insane? If they have some sort of mental abnormality that no one knows about? I wonder about that sometimes. About whether or not my brain is normal. Then I wonder if others wonder the same. Then I wonder who decides what normal is. Then I wonder if they, the normal, are really normal or just really good actors. Then I wonder who died and made them king. Then I catch myself wondering and wonder why I wonder and then I instruct myself to stop. 

But it doesn't end.

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0025-180214

February 17, 2014 J. 0 Comments

..

so because i am The master procrastinator still pretending i don't have a super-duper important exam in 47 days, i've started a new tv show:





oh, and i'm sick again. this time it's the flu. but at this point, this isn't even news anymore.

juicy raindrops!

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I love you because

February 14, 2014 J. 2 Comments

..

I love you..
Because the sun shines and then darkness falls. 
Because the sky weeps sometimes and stars twinkle against a dark blue canvas. 
Because whether you accept it or not, Naruto has whiskers. 

I love you 
Because I think of you and I smile. 
Because in your eyes I find acceptance, comfort and adoration. 
Because when you are away, I feel like I've been separated from a piece of me
- An arm, a leg, or a heart. 

I love you
Because of the way I feel in your arms
And the way you feel in mine.
Because you recognize that I'm different but you love me the way I am.   

I love you 
Because you're you and I'm me. 
Because I count the hours till we meet.
Because carbon has 12 atoms, Saturn has 7 rings and Hasna Hena blooms only at night. 

I love you
Because I don't have to remind you to get the milk. 
Because you warm my cold hands and feet 
And trace lines along my back when you think I'm asleep. 

I love you 
Because of your slight snore. 
Because when I'm in a crowded place, I search for and hold your eyes and you hold mine right back
Then suddenly it seems like we are the only two people in the entire world. 

I love you 
Because you make me laugh and cry with joy. 
Because you respect my father, love my mother and have adopted my siblings.  
Because of coconut ice-cream, Sunday morning pancakes and a bookshelf. 

I love you 
Because of blue dahlias, sun sets and Venice. 
Because you help me grow as a woman and a person.
Because you cut out the cartoon sections for me from the paper. 

I love you
Because it takes Pluto 248 years to orbit the sun.
Because you know I get anxious in new places and with new people,
So you hold my hand and give it a single firm squeeze, just to remind me that I am  no longer alone. 

I love you
Because you pick the pickles out of my burger or shawarma
Because you indulged my one week depression after Smallville ended and 
Because you then got me the complete collection of 24 to placate me. 

I love you
Because you support even my most wildest of ideas.
Because of autumn leaves, sandy beaches and cotton candy.
Because you let me beat you at checkers.

I love you 
Because I see a little boy with your chin.
And a little girl with your eyes.
Apologetically, or not, both with my nappy hair. 

I love you 
Because of a white dress, blue shoes and the gold band around my finger. 
Because though I know that we someday must part, I don't want live in a world without you in it. 
So I pray ever so dearly and deeply that we are once again reunited in the afterlife. 

I love you just because. 

Happy Valentine's Day!  


2 comments:

Story

The Story of Beauty: Clarissa's tale (Part I)

February 12, 2014 J. 0 Comments

This short series was inspired by true life events which occurred  just last month (January 2014). It filled me with such rage and despair and helplessness... I had to write about it. So as you read this, keep in mind that there really is a Clarissa out there. And not just one either. 
Keep that in mind. 

                        **                         **                        **                         ** 

Clarissa knew what poverty was. She's always known it. She'd worn the hand-me-downs and sometimes gone without. Her best clothes were the ones without holes in them. But Clarissa wasn't poor. She had parents who loved her and a roof over her head. Wise at 16, Clarissa considered herself rich. 

But it was January and a new school term was starting and though they'd managed to pay her tuition fees, Clarissa didn't have school shoes. She knew what would happen if she went to school without them. The teachers would threaten to whip her (and some times make good on the threat) and the other kids would laugh. The worst thing that would happen though was that the principal would send her back home. Clarissa liked school. She liked the learning and knew she was privileged to have parents who considered education a priority. Betty's parents didn't feel the same so Betty joined her mother in the market place everyday. Clarissa didn't complain.  

Her patience paid off. The Sunday before the Monday when school would resume her father came home with the money for her new school shoes. Clarissa was ecstatic. And the very next day she went out to the market to get her shoes. 

She never made it to the market. 

A trio of boys that hung around the neighborhood invited her over to hang out. Though she really didn't want to, this had never happened to her and she felt lucky and honoured even that they wanted to hang out with her, of all people! She'd try it out just this once. Just for the novelty. They went over to the residence of one of the boys, they talked and even offered her a drink. It was just Fanta not some exotic drink she didn't know, so she accepted and drank her fill. 

It was all so fast. One minute she was smiling at something one of the boys had said and the next she was tingling all over. The tingling got worse. Something was very wrong. When she turned to alert the boys of that fact, she saw their faces and realisation dawned. They'd done this to her. It was written in the expectant look on all three of their faces. Clarissa tried to move, to get up, to get out. But it was to late.  Whatever they'd dosed her with had kicked in and her limbs weren't responding. 

They didn't even have the decency to wait for her to pass out. She felt the hands that began pulling on her clothes, but thankfully, not for long. Whatever was in her system made her numb and unresponsive. She couldn't feel their groping hands or even the tear of her maidenhead. The last thing she saw was one of the boys switching places with the other so that he too could have his turn violating her. And then she passed out. Her shoe money still clutched in her hands. 

She awoke to darkness. Fear wrapped itself around her like binds keeping her trapped. But then she began to hear faint sounds and then like the volume suddenly being turned on real loud, she could hear.. And there was a lot of noise. She tried opening her eyes but they wouldn't open and neither would her limbs move. So she laid where she was. She finally deduced that she was in a hospital. She could only hear foreign voices. She was so tired. 

Darkness again. 

              --             --            --            --             --

Clarissa woke up again and this time she heard a voice she knew. One she loved. A quiet one. She heard her mother. And after a beat, she heard her father too. She tried to call out to them but she still couldn't speak. She realised that someone was speaking to her parents so she listened. She caught bits of the conversation:

"High concentration of Ketamine, a powerful horse tranquillizer"
"Raped.. Might be permanent damage even if she lives"
"Lucky she's alive.. Though unresponsive."
"Don't want to get your hopes up.."
"We will do our best.."

Unresponsive? She could hear them! And this time when she tried to open her eyes, they obeyed. For a long time she could only see white, blinding light and then the room began to come into focus. She saw her mother first and she saw when her mother saw her. Because though she didn't say a word, tears flowed like waterfalls from her eyes and then she reached for my hand. She squeezed and I tried to squeeze back.. But I couldn't. My mother sniffed really loudly and caught the doctor's attention. He came over to my bed and started checking my wrists and eyes. I didn't know what he was looking for but I hoped he could see that I was still in here. Whatever he saw must have satisfied him because he smiled faintly at me before leaving the room. 

For days I couldn't move, talk, eat or even blink. The nurses and my mother would take turns dripping some solution into my eyes so they didn't dry up. The doctor would come to check me and leave. A lawyer and some police officers also came but my father spoke to them outside my room so I have no idea what was said. My mother never left my side. I noticed that she seemed to have aged 10 years in the 2 weeks I have been on admission. I wondered how my parents would pay for all these health bills and as I looked around the hospital room it occurred to me that they definitely wouldn't. This wasn't the hole-in-the-wall single bedroom house that passed for our local hospital. This was obviously a big hospital in the city. I felt shame at having caused them so much worry and problems and I reached out to touch my mother's hand... Wait, what? My hands were responding. Only slightly but they were moving. I touched my sleeping mother and she came awake instantly. She took one look at me and hugged me before running out of the room and returning with the doctor in tow. 

              --             --            --            --             --

Clarissa's mother, Hope, wasn't a particularly religious woman. But as she watched the doctor check her daughter's vitals she prayed very, very hard. Hope had always wanted kids but as Fate would have it she hadn't been able to sustain a pregnancy to term. Clarissa had been both a blessing and a miracle. She didn't want to lose her daughter. She couldn't. So she prayed again as she had, persistently and endlessly, over these past couple of weeks. 

The doctor completed his examination and scribbled something on his chart, which when Hope tried to read, made no sense to her at all. The doctor said some more tests had to be run and left. I sat back down in my chair next to my daughter's bed and cooed her back to sleep. 

Her father, my husband - Donald - came in a couple of hours later. I told him about Clarissa's earlier activity and for the first time since this nightmare begun, I saw life in my husband's dark eyes. I wanted to go to him. To hug and comfort him, and have him comfort me too but I knew that now wasn't the time. Oh my husband, my handsome hardworking husband. I love him today like I've loved him for 20 years. He is my One. Even though my mother disowned me for leaving to marry the man I loved.. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

He turned weary, tired eyes to me and reached for my hand. We walked outside our daughter's room and he told me about his latest meeting with the lawyers. They wanted him to sue. One of the boys had been caught and for fear of life in prison, he had given up the identities of his two other comrades. One of whom was a cousin to the local Chairman. No one stood up to the Chairman and survived unscathed as he was both wealthy and powerful. As much as the police wanted to help, no one wanted to be the one to arrest a relative of the Chairman. And honestly all my husband wanted was peace and to have his daughter be better. Me? I wanted blood. Truck loads of it. However Donald had made me see that this wasn't a battle we wanted to fight or that we had a chance of winning. I guess I would have believed him if I hadn't seen my exact feelings mirrored on his face - no matter what words his mouth spewed. 

In the back of my mind, I know that he's making sense. That what he is suggesting is the best and safest move. I just wish I could focus more on that than the violence running through my veins. 

              --             --            --            --             --  
(The story continues... PART II)

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NYSC

Weekend shift

February 08, 2014 J. 0 Comments

..

So I pulled the short straw for the weekend shift this week. It's Saturday, but here I am at work. Sigh. I need to get my medical license ASAP. I can't keep doing this. 

I haven't explained about the license, have I? I need one to actually run the tests on patient samples at The Hospital Labs. I have been procrastinating getting one for the duration of my internship here because once I get it, my patient exposure will reduce and believe it or not, even when they frustrate me sometimes, I like hanging around the patients. They always have stories. And I've found since working here, after over two decades, that I actually do possess a patient streak. Who knew? I don't mind explaining the same procedure over and over again, sometimes in two different languages, until the patients get it. I like caring for them and soothing their worries. I feel thoroughly fulfilled when at the end of the day, their eyes are filled with gratitude. That's enough for me. 

Anyway I digressed. My provisional license. 

I'll get to it.. Eventually. 

Have a good weekend. 


- J. 

P.s. 
Did you watch the Arsenal v. Liverpool game? Let's not talk about it. Let's just not.

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Feels like the death of Love

February 07, 2014 J. 0 Comments

..
A married couple from a wedding I attended just three months ago got separated yesterday and are filing for a divorce. This just simply underlines my hesitance about getting seriously involved right now. It isn't just them, it's everywhere I turn. People that have been together for over 20 years and some that only just got together. There is no time range for susceptibility, it just happens. One day they are together, the next they've gone their separate ways, as if the time they'd had together hadn't mattered at all. 

Earlier this week at work, a couple engaged to be married today, came in to get tested. The test showed that the woman was HIV positive and the man left her there. HE LEFT HER RIGHT THERE! I don't think that he shouldn't have left her, that's his choice and prerogative. I just think that it shouldn't have been so damn easy to do so. You'd been about to pledge the rest of your life to her Goddamn it!! 

Marriage isn't easy. I've said this a couple of times before. But it works. There are people who make it work; who even today might be celebrating 50 years together. What do they have that the others don't?



Juicy Raindrops??

0 comments:

Be my Valentine!

February 06, 2014 J. 0 Comments

..

So it's that time of the year and this time, I know exactly what I want for Valentine's day. Start emptying your piggy banks cuz it's a big one. I saw it and I totally fell in love. 

Wanna see?? :)



Isn't she a beauty? I promise I'll still be surprised so go right ahead and surpise me. I love you already. 

*Sweet smile*
Juicy Raindrops! 

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Family,

You know you've hung out with your parents too long when..

February 05, 2014 J. 0 Comments


.. You know all the words to songs that were made before you were even conceived. 

Today was a busy day at The Labs. We were all over the place. At one point I was manning both the reception and dispatch points. It was insane splitting myself in two that way. Thank my lucky stars I was wearing ballerinas today. Anyway when the reception closed at 2pm, I went back inside the Labs and began another set of duties. I don't know whether to rejoice or sulk that tomorrow is Thursday (CD). During our last meeting the CD officer mentioned a scheduled "outreach" for this week. God is my strength!

Anyway while I was separating some patient hormone samples, someone turned on The Lab radio and the station was playing oldies. The good kind. I'm talking Sister Sledge, Chaka Khan, Patti LaBelle, After 7 and so on. Some of the older scientists hummed some of the songs, but me? I knew all the words and was moving to the beat. You've got to appreciate good music. I was so entranced in my own little world that I didn't notice that the spotlight had been on me. I blushed but refused to apologize. It really was good music after all. 

I both blame and praise my parents! 

Juicy Raindrops! 

0 comments:

Did you know?

February 04, 2014 J. 0 Comments


“Everything you take for granted is a blessing.
Everything you fear is a friend in disguise. 
Everything you want is a part of you.
Everything you hate you hate about yourself. 
Everything you own does not define you. 
Everything you feel is the only Truth there is to know.
Everything you wish for is already on its way to you. 
Everything you think creates your life. 
Everything you seek for you will find. 
Everything you resist will stick around.
Everything you let go of stays if it’s supposed to. 
Everything you need is right where you are.

Every time you bless another you bless yourself. 
Every time you blame another you lose your power. 
Every time you think you can, you can. 
Every time you fall you must get up and try again. 
Every time you cry you’re one tear closer to joy. 
Every time you ask for forgiveness, all you have to do is forgive yourself.

Everyone you see is your reflection. 
Everyone you know mirrors you. 
Everyone wants to be happy. 
Everyone wants to live in joy. 
Everyone seeks a higher purpose. 
Everyone breathes the same breath. 
Everyone needs love to survive. 
Everyone has a purpose to fulfill.

Everyone’s the same as everyone else. We just get caught up in labels, names, skin color and religion. Everyone’s the same as everyone else. No one wants to feel the pain. Everyone’s the same as everyone else. Everyone is dying for love to remain.”


- Jackson Kiddard

0 comments:

Death,

Happy Birthday to my old friend Baffah!

February 02, 2014 J. 0 Comments

..

Today should have been an old friend's birthday. 

Should have been. 

That he isn't here anymore doesn't mean that I do not celebrate the fact that he lived and that I was fortunate enough to have met him, to have known him. He touched my life - no matter how briefly. The first time we met I'd been sitting in a tree (this was back in my rebellious teenage years). It is a meeting I won't soon be forgetting. 

I miss you. And I regret that in last few months of your life, we hadn't been in contact more. But hey, we'll always have The Porter's Wheel and so much more. :)

Continued peace my dear, dear friend. And happy birthday. 


- J.

0 comments:

Have you read this?

February 01, 2014 J. 0 Comments

..

 I haven't, but it sounds like something I would absolutely love. I wish I had the time. I really do. So I'm adding it to the list of books i want to read before i die - My book bucket list! :) 

 I've added a new tab!

Synopsis: 
It all starts on the one-hundredth birthday of Allan Karlsson. Sitting quietly in his room in an old people's home, he is waiting for the party he-never-wanted-anyway to begin. The mayor is going to be there. The press is going to be there. But, as it turns out, Allan is not...Slowly but surely Allan climbs out of his bedroom window, into the flowerbed (in his slippers) and makes his getaway. And so begins his picaresque and unlikely journey involving criminals, several murders, a suitcase full of cash, and incompetent police. As his escapades unfold, we learn something of Allan's earlier life in which - remarkably - he helped to make the atom bomb, became friends with American presidents, Russian tyrants, and Chinese leaders, and was a participant behind the scenes in many key events of the twentieth century. (Source: waterstones.com)



Juicy Raindrops!

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