civil,

be wary of the writer

February 24, 2023 J. 0 Comments


Preface
I am a writer. Take everything you read with a grain of salt.
I can romanticize the peal of thunder and destruction of a nation 
while demeaning the Amazonian butterfly and its fluttering wings. 

I can do the reverse of both too.
In the same piece even when I feel like it.

I can be overly expressive, barely coherent and yet speak of emotions so honest 
it will make you pause and reflect for a few moments. 

I am a writer. Be wary of my words.
And yet, know that each one is truth every single time. 

0520031022
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Night,

How to quit smoking

February 21, 2023 J. 0 Comments


Maybe I shouldn’t use so much gasoline. Or maybe I need more? Hmm.. I’ve never had to start a bonfire before. I took the pages from all the dreams and hopes I had and made a little hill of them. There were photographs of things I thought would be, things I had romanticised and wanted to make a reality of - just by the power of my desire. But relationships need actual work and time. Like a sapling they need water, food, good soil and at least 6 hours of sunlight daily to grow. We gave too much of some and much too little of the others. There was no balance and so we stagnated and now are dry and brown in several significant places and not even super-gro can save us anymore.

I take a deep, long draw from the cigarette in my hand and I give the pages and photographs a last cursory look. I never thought it would come to this, you see. I kept holding out hope that things would only get better. That with age and wisdom we would only understand each other more but the reverse seems to be happening. We are mis-communicating even more everyday and my heart keeps hurting. Our sapling has no more leaves on it and looks like a toothpick stuck in pot of mud.
/another draw of the cig/
 I cannot keep living this way. This is my biggest trauma and as it is one that i keep reliving daily i am unable to heal. I keep poking at it and even when I do not, new ones are inflicted upon me. I do not like who I am sometimes. The reactions that have become my default setting to protect myself, to protect my little ones, to keep the peace, to do as my Lord says. Responsibilities that shouldn’t be mine alone .. excess baggage i carry.. bleeding all over those who do not know of my injuries. 
/another draw of the cig/
This is on me. We are a culmination of all our life choices and I have everyday made the decision to stay, deny the obvious and even go as far as to call it unconditional love.
/watching the smoke i exhale merge with the wind and get blown away/
I do not think I can keep living like this. Not if i want to maintain even a shred of sanity anyway. And while sanity isn’t something I particularly advocate for, being a psych ward breakout and all, even I have to admit that this is the kind of sanity I absolutely need to live a wholesome life with whatever time I have left here. They say to quit smoking, you have to not put cigarettes in your mouth once day at a time. What better time to begin than right now?
/tosses unfinished cig on mountain of broken dreams and watches the flames instantly come to life/
I thought it would hurt to watch the flames rise. Instead I feel lighter as if I have finally stopped fighting against a current determined to flow the other way. Maybe this is what Mr Tolle meant about giving off a negative charge. I thought I understood that line but in this moment I find that it has new meaning for me. Imagine that. 
/watches the flames as they begin to die/
I think I’m ready to begin healing now.
/walks away finally/

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

P.s.:
I am raw right now writing this. I haven’t had a chance to read it over, edit and make it ‘pretty’ and ‘cohesive’. I didn't draft this like the rest and come back to edit it weeks or even months later. I apologise for any typos and inconsistencies. However, this is me right this very moment. Because this is big. It matters. and this feel right right now. So I will publish this now. As it is. As i am.

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