an old wound
i was feeling nostalgic so i read a journal of mine from some years back and i found this piece i'd once written. it had me thinking about young love and heartbreaks. i've had my heart broken twice before. I don't know if people ever actually admit to this stuff but yea, i did. and enough time has passed that it doesn't kick like it used to before.people will always change from your perceptions of them. sometimes the change is small and insignificant but other times they change in a way that differs from your own path and then you have to make the huge decision of either leaving or staying. most times i would vote 'stay'.. but not when you begin to lose yourself in the process. i did. so i left.
*** *** ***
Through with this love
Nothing
like nightfall and insomnia to set this girl in motion. I have cried till my
insides hurt. There’s no need to start with any introduction. I’ve hardly ever
felt the need not to more than I do now. No cute words about adoration and love
lost. It’s simple. I love you! Those words have never felt
heavier to me. I have never said them with as little or no enthusiasm as I just
did. You want to know why? Because I loath the feeling. Not of love. But that
it’s you that I love so. I have tried as much as I can to move mountains just
so this works. But you really can’t fix what’s not broken, can you? Time and
time again I serve you my heart on a silver platter with gold trimmings and
ever so faithfully you shoot me down every time. This is not easy for me to admit.
But acceptance is the first step, right? The sooner we get this over and done
with, the better. For me at least. You keep and need me to continuously feed your
fragile ego. You have no confidence in yourself. So you use me to feel better
about yourself.. while slowly depleting
my own self-worth. You know the irony of the situation is that, had you cared
enough (this is just sad!), but I would have eventually had you seeing you as I
do. Through my eyes, you walked on water. Not because of your fancy clothes and designer shoes but because I was deluded enough to see a nobility in you. My very own
dark knight! LOL.. It’s laughable isn’t it? You'll have to forgive my overly romantic heart. I fed the flames of my feelings for
you because I thought you were still unscathed and I never wanted that for you.
I wanted to preserve what I saw in you before the harsh world took it away from
you. Darling, I wanted to preserve your innocence. But I’ve been blinded by my
love for you. So blinded that I didn’t see what you were becoming. What you
have already become. If ONLY you could see how far down from the pedestal you've fallen. You could do no wrong but now that’s all you seem to do. You have let love for a materialistic world blind
you. Usually that’s not
a bad thing but when you get so caught up in it that you forget that it’s all a
game then you’re screwed. What happened to the boy who told me that no matter
what he knew what he was about? Ha! I guess we all get caught up in the drama
sometime. I told you I’d been there. I told you my gruesome stories but one
just has to get burnt to appreciate fire. I didn’t want that for you. I figured
that I’d experienced it for us both and you needn’t have to. I was too
protective of you. Maybe it made you feel caged? Hmm.. now we’ll never know
because I’m not going to hang around to watch you do whatchu do now. I’m
through putting you first EVERY TIME and I’m through trying to make you
see that
here is where you wanna be. I’m through fighting for this because then at
least there'd been something worth fighting for. Now, it’s just a blind
man’s
errand. Maybe I’ll never stop having feelings for you because of how
deep they run but I sure as hell won’t let that have even the most
remote influence
on me anymore. I guess all I’ve been saying has been leading up to one
thing –
I’m done here and I’m out!
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