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I have been holding back the tears for over
a week now. A strong woman isn’t one that cries over everything that goes wrong. No,
that isn’t she. That isn’t me. A strong woman is one who stands up and dusts
herself up. That was what I did.
I didn’t cry even when all the things I’d
been planning to make my journey as easy and bearable as it could be fell
through. I adjusted instead. Adapted.
Then the tears threatened to fall during my
conversation with Lola. Then there was Rado.
It brought it all to the surface. And then there was Kuchi. *sigh*
I refuse to dwell on things I cannot
change. Summer is over and I am back in Braddie. Time has moved forward and so
have I. I could’ve done things better, I know that now but judging me and
passing remarks about me isn’t going to make me apologize and/or explain myself.
Ironically, it’ll only make me shut up more.
Yes, I don’t call and text everyone every
minute of every day. But those that bother to do me, I do them. And as long as
they’re confident in the fact that I’ll always be there when the tides turn for
them, then I think that is enough. I play my part and do a damn good job of it
too.
This is just who I am. I do better on my
own. People are fickle and undependable. I depend on me. I’ll need a very good
reason to change my beliefs.
I am not consciously stopping the tears you
know. I actually do want to cry now so I can release the pressure in my head
and chest. Maybe then I’ll be able to sleep. But this heart of mine is proving
its stubbornness. It refuses to expose that much emotion even in the darkness and
privacy of my own room.
I stood outside the balcony and watched the
solitary moon. Once I had thought it terribly lonely. Now I see that when it
needs company, it has them.
I guess I expected more from Rado. From
someone who supposedly loves me, he should be able to BE that much for me. But
I do understand that he was partly worried, partly mad and exasperated with me.
I am with him too. But it doesn’t change my decision to keep us on a totally
platonic level. He should respect me enough to respect my wishes. Even if he
doesn’t fully understand them. That is faith. That is trust. That is love.
I’m going to go cry now.
