pain,
I am not alone.
That was the first one. i tend to distance myself from the people that matter the most to me. it isn't a test of any kind. i am not trying to see if they'll pull me back. i don't even notice when i do and when i do notice, sometimes, i do nothing about it. I've always been solitary.. especially when i have something on my mind. i just think better that way. but also i wind up hurting the people I'm suppose to protect, then i start to feel like a total heel.
at some point in my life i reasoned that people either died or did something so bad you wished they'd died instead. so i didn't wanna let people get that close. just a few Jewels. When those same Jewels started disappointing me left, right and center, i created a barrier against everyone. the barrier enclosed Mama, the dweebs and myself. anyone outside that barrier was the enemy and a probable cause of pain. i wasn't willing to take the risk. no one seemed worth it any more.
Then i spoke to Ify, who said i wasn't the Jasmeen he knew and loved. it hurt. i don't know how but it pierced through me. During one convo with MO, i unconsciously let my guard down (as he made me laugh so hard!). He said we hadn't talked that way in a while and said it was great having me back. Then when Lola spoke about the distance between us last night i couldn't stand it anymore. i realized that my plan was never going to work because i already loved these people. There was no way around it. if something happened to them while i was "protecting" myself, i would be distraught. i might hold them at arm's length but they already were part of the bits and pieces of me. If anything happened to them while i was away, i wouldn't forgive myself. That was what it took for me to get back on my rails.
i still have those same fears.. that they would leave me or hurt me, but now i know to cherish the journey as much as the destination.
My second epiphany was RooQ - my white horse guy. i keep keeping an eye, ear and hand out hoping to run into him, praying i don't miss him least i regret it for the rest of my life. it is taking up too much of my time and honestly i want that first class next year by God's grace. RooQ is going to have to wait. Plus i realized that if it really, really, really was him, he'd find me no matter where i hid.
I wrote that once. i understand it now.
I'm obsessed with trying to make the least amount of mistakes possible in my life. i don't think mistakes are lessons, i think they are pain-filled. i do not do pain (says the masochist!). Anyway, lesson learned.
You see, rain to me is one of God's greatest moments. Rain brings hope and comfort.. it brings acceptance too.
This is my song of the week. you will see the correlation to my predicament.
P.s
I didn't lose Rado! He was just never mine to begin with. Another lesson learnt.
Juicy RainDrops!! ♡
Something about the rain..
I'd known it was gonna rain today. The winds told me. And somehow i knew it was gonna come with an epiphany. I stood on my rooftop and let the rain bathe my heart and soul. The rain always did that..I am not alone.
That was the first one. i tend to distance myself from the people that matter the most to me. it isn't a test of any kind. i am not trying to see if they'll pull me back. i don't even notice when i do and when i do notice, sometimes, i do nothing about it. I've always been solitary.. especially when i have something on my mind. i just think better that way. but also i wind up hurting the people I'm suppose to protect, then i start to feel like a total heel.
at some point in my life i reasoned that people either died or did something so bad you wished they'd died instead. so i didn't wanna let people get that close. just a few Jewels. When those same Jewels started disappointing me left, right and center, i created a barrier against everyone. the barrier enclosed Mama, the dweebs and myself. anyone outside that barrier was the enemy and a probable cause of pain. i wasn't willing to take the risk. no one seemed worth it any more.
Then i spoke to Ify, who said i wasn't the Jasmeen he knew and loved. it hurt. i don't know how but it pierced through me. During one convo with MO, i unconsciously let my guard down (as he made me laugh so hard!). He said we hadn't talked that way in a while and said it was great having me back. Then when Lola spoke about the distance between us last night i couldn't stand it anymore. i realized that my plan was never going to work because i already loved these people. There was no way around it. if something happened to them while i was "protecting" myself, i would be distraught. i might hold them at arm's length but they already were part of the bits and pieces of me. If anything happened to them while i was away, i wouldn't forgive myself. That was what it took for me to get back on my rails.
i still have those same fears.. that they would leave me or hurt me, but now i know to cherish the journey as much as the destination.
My second epiphany was RooQ - my white horse guy. i keep keeping an eye, ear and hand out hoping to run into him, praying i don't miss him least i regret it for the rest of my life. it is taking up too much of my time and honestly i want that first class next year by God's grace. RooQ is going to have to wait. Plus i realized that if it really, really, really was him, he'd find me no matter where i hid.
"... When you're ready, it will find YOU!"
I wrote that once. i understand it now.
I'm obsessed with trying to make the least amount of mistakes possible in my life. i don't think mistakes are lessons, i think they are pain-filled. i do not do pain (says the masochist!). Anyway, lesson learned.
You see, rain to me is one of God's greatest moments. Rain brings hope and comfort.. it brings acceptance too.
This is my song of the week. you will see the correlation to my predicament.
P.s
I didn't lose Rado! He was just never mine to begin with. Another lesson learnt.
Juicy RainDrops!! ♡
