It's just one those nights when I can't sleep..

May 03, 2011 J. 2 Comments

I decided to watch a movie. Red riding hood. I had been meaning to watch it but haven't had the time or inclination. Today was the day, so I did.

Big mistake.

It got me into THAT mood. We all know THAT mood. Yea, well I thought of him. And I let myself because I hadn't done so in a while. The first thing that came to mind was his smile. The one I loved. The one that had died. I thought of a million other things as well that would bore you to death.

But this time, I wasn't wistful. I was past that now. Instead I thought about how much I'd grown. And how I'd mastered the pain. Used it as fuel for greater things. I haven't felt this great in a while.

It didn't hurt so much now. RooQ did say that I would get past it. But I am not healed. Some wounds run too deep. And when they do heal, they leave a lifelong scar. I don't think it would be so bad. Battle scars. All the best warriors have them.


"If you can turn your wounds into living proof that you survived the fight, then you're no longer defined" - Mariah Carey

I am stronger than I ever was. I've felt that for a while now. I bask in it. For I know there's nothing better. I don't cling to my circle like I used to. I love them NO less but I'm not as dependent on them. Not anymore. The loneliness has faded away to nothingness.

I get up every morning and do what I have to do. No weights on my shoulder. No cluster in my head. No pain in my chest. No tears in my eyes. So this is happiness.

Once upon a time I thought he was my happiness. How naive of me. True happiness is an inside job, you don't assign anyone that much power over you. You look into a mirror and love what you see at any moment of any day. That is truly finding yourself.

This probably isn't the end but I now know that I'm on the right track. And InshaAllah, I am never drifting off again. Besides, this feels too wonderful to give up.

Also, I apologize for I have told a lie. Or two. Or three. To anyone who's asked me how I've been doing over the past couple of months. No, I wasn't fine, I'm just a great actress.. when I want to be.

But now my darlings, when I say I'm awesome. I really do mean it! Have probably never meant it more.


                                  ..And from the ashes, a phoenix was born!


Dream in colour. Juicy RainDrops!! ♥♥