nothing.
"We haven't had any communication in a while, and it's given me time I needed to think. Remember when you said we should live with each other and be unhappy so we could be happy? Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into that offer, trying to make it work. But a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day its called, The Augustium. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the Barbarians came they trashed it along with everything else. The Great Augustus Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, one day would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over centuries. Feels like a precious wound, Like a heartbreak you won't let go of cause it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same David. Settle for living in misery because were afraid of change. Of things crumbling to ruins. then i looked around in this place at the chaos its endured. The way its been adapted, burned, pillaged, and found a way to build itself back up again...and i was reassured. Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, It's just the world that is. And the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. Even in this eternal city. The Augustium showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation. Both of us deserve better than staying together because we're afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't."Yes! For all of you who have watched the movie that was from 'eat, love, pray'. Beautiful isn't it? I thought so. That right there fully describes how i have been feeling for a while. The beautiful thing about reading is that even when i don't have the words, someone somewhere does. And we have a connection. Those emotions that they were able to put to words that shed light on the predicaments i find myself in. i believe this time it's E. Gilbert that i give thanks to! :)
No matter how hard i try, my life seems to keep moving towards that of Jasmine (the dying artist). I made decisions different from hers, but i'm still on the same track. Some prophecy huh? it isn't that i don't want that life, it's very ideal, but.. (yea, i'm beginning to hate the word too!)
I'm scared of maiming myself by letting go (assuming of course that it was possible). i'll never feel that way again. i know it. maybe the array of stars are better than a single moon? this all seemed so much clearer when i was still on the rooftop. I'm not making much sense today and i suppose i'm not supposed to. i know what i mean and that's that.
Am i crazy for doing this? wanting this? sanity is seriously overrated anyway, right? (yea right, coming from the psychward breakout. that's rich!)
it all seems so clear! but then again not so much so. i know what i have to do now. and when the time is right, i will turn away.. and not glance back for a parting image. i know that too. it just sucks that it isn't better. i hate to see so much potential wasted.
Ruin is a gift. It gives way and reason for development. or something like that. So is this it? Tearing my heart out so i can live another day? Ray, is this really what we have come to? and Rango, i would give my heart to you if only it was mine to give. Truth is, Ray is my heart.
Jasmine didn't give an audience to any Rango's. She couldn't and i understand that. i feel that way. but i know her somewhat tragic tale, i know how that worked for her. aren't i meant to use that knowledge to change my own destiny? there must be a reason why i know of it, right? or am i doomed to knowing but having every change i attempt to make overruled?
See why this is so much better in the movies? Stupid thing set me off. i wonder how she ended up. I don't know. i didn't see the ending. Maybe someday i'll watch it till the end or better yet maybe someday, i'll read the book.
♡
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