Growth,
The words i am not saying
So I’m trying again. Let us see how it goes this time.
—*****—
I seem to have perfected the art of pushing people out of my life. Yes i do it on purpose and yes it is for the best for them even if they don’t know it yet. But they will. They might never thank me for it but they will realise it someday. It is my burden that I have to realise it long before they do. It is my burden that I care for them enough to do it. Rado finally figured it out. Begrudgingly. And it took him only 3 years to do it. Sometimes i wonder if we can be friends now then. If maybe i could have my friend at least. I still post a Smurf for him every February for his birthday. Maybe next year I’ll post a baby smurf for him. After all, he is a father now. And it will be the last one. The post i mean. It will be the last smurf. Do I regret my decision? For any of them? No I don’t. And that’s why they hate me i think. Because they think that they are the only ones hurting. Because they think that my slamming the door is only to hurt them. Suddenly they forget that i know how to smile while i bleed. And that when I love, I don’t go back.
I am cursed with so much damn sense. It makes me older than my years and not as foolhardy as those my age ought to be. But somehow i am still able to love and empathise and that will never stop blowing me over. For how can i feel so damn much and still be so “sensible”?. It’s not a word i particularly like. Sensible. I would blame my parents for naming me for an old woman. I went and inherited more sense than i should have. More than my ration i would dare say. I will bitch about it here on nights like these because i cannot do it out loud. If they knew, if they caught even a slight whiff of my vulnerability, they would push. I don’t fear that i will break.. well that’s not my only fear anyway (we’re being honest right Doc?). I fear that in a knee-jerk attempt to prove myself, i would say something i would be unable to take back. I am my mother’s daughter you see and while i may sometimes judge her for it, that fiery blood runs right through my veins as well. Copious amounts of it. So i make good choices for them. To enable them to begin amazing chapters of their lives. It’s good. For them and for me. Like i said in the beginning i have become very skilled at it. For what is skill after all but a knife that’s been sharpened repeatedly and forged through fire? huh? So there. I am skilled at pushing people out of my life.
But. Where is the one that will fight me? Tooth and nail. The one who will hear those words that my sensible mouth will never say...
“Leave me alone” (stay)
“I don’t want to be with you” (please stay)
“This is for the best” (no its not. It’s just the easiest of the hard choices)
“I’ve made up my mind” (fight me!)
“I don’t want to hear this” (fight me!!)
“This will be our last conversation” (this is where you show me that it (we) matters enough to fight for!)
“This is for the best” (no its not. It’s just the easiest of the hard choices)
“I’ve made up my mind” (fight me!)
“I don’t want to hear this” (fight me!!)
“This will be our last conversation” (this is where you show me that it (we) matters enough to fight for!)
“This is goodbye” (fight me now!!)
“Have a good life” (never let me go)
“Have a good life” (never let me go)
J.
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