Day,
As the sun rose again today
I laid in bed, wrapped under the covers
Once more part of the other world and despising the sun
Not only for rising but for rising so very bright.
It was in this moment that I finally understood the two women inside of me.
You see I have been wondering a lot these days
Am i Jas of the light pretending to be Marie of the dark?
Or am I Marie of the dark, pretending to be Jas of the light?
It turns out that i am neither.
Jas was never of the light.
She is the quiet dark in me.
She is muted and she is guarded
She is almost without mass.
I craved her elegance and serenity.
Her levelheadedness and quiet resilience.
I have always felt her in there
Sometimes she invades my dreams too
At some marked points in my life i feel her presence stronger than others
Mostly in moments of great pain, shame and disappointment.
It made me believe that as a survival instinct,
I would eventually become her full time
And this both pleased and scared me simultaneously
Because what then would happen to Marie?
Jas can be cold and unfeeling,
completely detached from things and people.
But somehow i think she might feel things even deeper than Marie.
I understand the two better now.
Dark is not evil, light is not divinity
One is not better than the other,
One is not the opposite of the other.
They are two facets that are all me
One is gained of birth
One is gained from nurture
Together, they are Jasmine Marie - the vessel.
I am supposed to make them one,
in concert and not opposing forces.
I should use the calm self-control and restraint of Jas
to keep my chakra and energies inside and balanced
Jas is protection.
Marie is sanity.
Both of them are me.
The day it began: The Vessel.
These days i am always up for the sunrise
As light overtakes the night, i am awake to feel the energies change
To watch the ghouls scamper for cover from the blazing light of the sun
I used to be like them too
Afraid of the new day, afraid of the light
Afraid of what it will reveal
But now, i willingly go to it.
To watch the ghouls scamper for cover from the blazing light of the sun
I used to be like them too
Afraid of the new day, afraid of the light
Afraid of what it will reveal
But now, i willingly go to it.
I wake up early, have a cup of tea and water my plants.
It’s become a kind of routine for me.
With the world (and house) still quiet,
I can pretend that there’s only just me
And sometimes i can even hear myself think again.
It’s become a kind of routine for me.
With the world (and house) still quiet,
I can pretend that there’s only just me
And sometimes i can even hear myself think again.
As the sun rose again today
I laid in bed, wrapped under the covers
Once more part of the other world and despising the sun
Not only for rising but for rising so very bright.
It was in this moment that I finally understood the two women inside of me.
You see I have been wondering a lot these days
Am i Jas of the light pretending to be Marie of the dark?
Or am I Marie of the dark, pretending to be Jas of the light?
It turns out that i am neither.
Jas was never of the light.
She is the quiet dark in me.
She is muted and she is guarded
She is almost without mass.
I craved her elegance and serenity.
Her levelheadedness and quiet resilience.
I have always felt her in there
Sometimes she invades my dreams too
At some marked points in my life i feel her presence stronger than others
Mostly in moments of great pain, shame and disappointment.
It made me believe that as a survival instinct,
I would eventually become her full time
And this both pleased and scared me simultaneously
Because what then would happen to Marie?
Jas can be cold and unfeeling,
completely detached from things and people.
But somehow i think she might feel things even deeper than Marie.
Marie is of the light.
She is who i default back to when i am not thinking.
So she is a greater part of my inborn personality
She is loudly-happy, boisterous and she takes up room
She carries her heart on her sleeve and in her eyes
Her energies seep out of her every pore.
She also turns vicious when triggered
She is confrontational and short-fused.
She feels everything strongly and wildly
She feels like a bomb waiting to go off sometimes.
She doesn’t always say the right thing
because she can be terribly honest and oblivious
Which really can come across as her being self centred
But not because she is being intentionally selfish or conceited
She’s just 100% into what she’s doing and following her joys.
Her light can create a shadow sometimes
As bright light is wont to do
and other times it simply spreads more light to dark places.
She is who i default back to when i am not thinking.
So she is a greater part of my inborn personality
She is loudly-happy, boisterous and she takes up room
She carries her heart on her sleeve and in her eyes
Her energies seep out of her every pore.
She also turns vicious when triggered
She is confrontational and short-fused.
She feels everything strongly and wildly
She feels like a bomb waiting to go off sometimes.
She doesn’t always say the right thing
because she can be terribly honest and oblivious
Which really can come across as her being self centred
But not because she is being intentionally selfish or conceited
She’s just 100% into what she’s doing and following her joys.
Her light can create a shadow sometimes
As bright light is wont to do
and other times it simply spreads more light to dark places.
I understand the two better now.
Dark is not evil, light is not divinity
One is not better than the other,
One is not the opposite of the other.
They are two facets that are all me
One is gained of birth
One is gained from nurture
Together, they are Jasmine Marie - the vessel.
I am supposed to make them one,
in concert and not opposing forces.
I should use the calm self-control and restraint of Jas
to keep my chakra and energies inside and balanced
She will be the forcefield around me as i interact with the world
Yet i should be able to create a concentrated firelight in my palm
and pour it into my heart’s passions and other creatures
Yet i should be able to create a concentrated firelight in my palm
and pour it into my heart’s passions and other creatures
without burning them to a crisp.
Jas is protection.
Marie is sanity.
Both of them are me.
Knowing this now, I hope to live better.
Juicy Raindrops! ♡
021120
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