Day,
But the woman i am today.. well, she isn’t as invested. She is able to end relationships in an instant and while i knew it was so, i didn’t fully understand how i had become that way.
I was contacted by Lola. Again, if you’ve been here long enough then this is not a name that’s unfamiliar to you. She was my best friend growing up but we grew apart after Uni when life really began. And while we were chatting I couldn’t help but think of a time when i would have given up an arm for her. And in that moment I realised what had happened to me.
I formed attachments. Deep ones. And in my mind, they were forever. “If i love you today, then i will love you forever” I’ve written that several times before because it was simply how my heart and mind worked. It made letting go of bounds i had already formed nigh impossible. What I couldn’t understand after a while was why it seemed like I was the only one who felt and thought that way. I watched my jewels - one after another - make conscious decisions that jeopardised our relationship. It started with Kaku - and you know the rest. I didn’t understand because any decision that jeopardised our relationship was never an option for me. It felt like i was only convenient for a time and once a more tempting offer came along, i was left with the broken strings and questions i would never really get answers to. They left gashes on my heart - especially those first two. But then i began to learn.
Systematically i stopped believing in those words spoken by the tongues of men and women. “Always”, “Forever”, “Mine” - I realised that belief it those words was what had gotten me into trouble in the first place. All those nights I stayed up questioning my sanity and loveability - “Why do people leave me? Was it me?” - Closure I never got and the particularly vicious ones leaving me with open ended phrases like “If we are meant to be..” further tying me down with brutal invisible chains because, of course, I believed we were - so i would wait. It was perhaps a trial and testament of my love. All the great love stories have them. Separated for millennia and finally reunited till the end. So i would bear this. Can you tell that i had such an unfortunate hopelessly romantic heart?
Lola and i used to celebrate every single anniversary every year. Counting up to the day we would celebrate 10 years of friendship. We stopped embodying that word a year before the year we had so anxiously awaited. On the flip side, Baa and i don’t have an anniversary - yet Facebook alerted me that we had been friends for 10 years last month. I honestly didn’t know that we had known each other that long. But this makes my point too.
Today, I don’t go into relationships expecting them to last beyond a season.. or the very next day. I simply believe in enjoying what we have here and now, and parting when the time comes with no bitterness or resentment. We humans are ephemeral creatures after all - it makes sense that any bonds we form be the same as well.
I can’t believe it took me almost 30 years to figure that simple fact out.
Juicy Raindrops! ♡
Reflections: Jewels in my treasure box
I have realised one fundamental way in which i am different from the versions that came before. This vessel has always valued and glorified relationships. If you’ve been here long enough, you might have seen me refer to them as the jewels in my treasure box. Whenever I look through my scrap/slum books made in elementary and high schools, it shows. I collected poems about friendship and wrote so many myself.
But the woman i am today.. well, she isn’t as invested. She is able to end relationships in an instant and while i knew it was so, i didn’t fully understand how i had become that way.
I was contacted by Lola. Again, if you’ve been here long enough then this is not a name that’s unfamiliar to you. She was my best friend growing up but we grew apart after Uni when life really began. And while we were chatting I couldn’t help but think of a time when i would have given up an arm for her. And in that moment I realised what had happened to me.
I formed attachments. Deep ones. And in my mind, they were forever. “If i love you today, then i will love you forever” I’ve written that several times before because it was simply how my heart and mind worked. It made letting go of bounds i had already formed nigh impossible. What I couldn’t understand after a while was why it seemed like I was the only one who felt and thought that way. I watched my jewels - one after another - make conscious decisions that jeopardised our relationship. It started with Kaku - and you know the rest. I didn’t understand because any decision that jeopardised our relationship was never an option for me. It felt like i was only convenient for a time and once a more tempting offer came along, i was left with the broken strings and questions i would never really get answers to. They left gashes on my heart - especially those first two. But then i began to learn.
Systematically i stopped believing in those words spoken by the tongues of men and women. “Always”, “Forever”, “Mine” - I realised that belief it those words was what had gotten me into trouble in the first place. All those nights I stayed up questioning my sanity and loveability - “Why do people leave me? Was it me?” - Closure I never got and the particularly vicious ones leaving me with open ended phrases like “If we are meant to be..” further tying me down with brutal invisible chains because, of course, I believed we were - so i would wait. It was perhaps a trial and testament of my love. All the great love stories have them. Separated for millennia and finally reunited till the end. So i would bear this. Can you tell that i had such an unfortunate hopelessly romantic heart?
Lola and i used to celebrate every single anniversary every year. Counting up to the day we would celebrate 10 years of friendship. We stopped embodying that word a year before the year we had so anxiously awaited. On the flip side, Baa and i don’t have an anniversary - yet Facebook alerted me that we had been friends for 10 years last month. I honestly didn’t know that we had known each other that long. But this makes my point too.
Today, I don’t go into relationships expecting them to last beyond a season.. or the very next day. I simply believe in enjoying what we have here and now, and parting when the time comes with no bitterness or resentment. We humans are ephemeral creatures after all - it makes sense that any bonds we form be the same as well.
I can’t believe it took me almost 30 years to figure that simple fact out.
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