Not defined by numbers


I do not want my life,
my level of happiness and fulfilment,
or even my moods to be determined by numbers.

Not the number on the scale or
my bank account or 
the years i have lived or
the time i have left or 
the number of followers and subscribers or
of business sales, ad clicks and balance sheets.

These are numbers that i will have to come across in the course of my life 
and damn right i will work hard for some of them 
so i can live the kind of life i want
so i can eat good food, get medical aid, pay for knowledge, help others and travel.

But in no way do i want these numbers to become my definition. Not even close. 

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Mr Tolle again


“Whatever the present moment contains, accept is as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.” 
- Eckhart Tolle

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He thinks I’ve forgotten it all. He doesn’t know the number of beats my heart skipped whenever I saw those numbers flashing on my screen calling.

I never took it for granted. Maybe I should have told him when it mattered. 

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Nox


Do you ever just marvel at the wonder of life and all it entails?

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Lumen


Do you ever just get exhausted with life and all it entails?

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Shey na juju be this?


How can I miss you after I just saw you? 
How can you linger on my mind like a broken record?
Or those awful supermarket jingles?
Why does my heart keep imprints of the places where you touched it? 
How can I want you this badly even after all this time? 
What exactly have you done to me?

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

*Shey na juju be this? = Isn’t this black magic? (Pidgin English)

Shades of grey


You see, we are not just simply black or white 
Sorry love, it is not that easy. 
We humans are complicated 
We are varying shades of grey. 
All of us. 
From the pious to the most depraved. 

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to my Saviour


Thank You
Thank You 
Thank You
It is everything i want to say
and yet it is barely enough.

Thank You.

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How?


And when you asked me why I don’t come to you on my dark days.

I couldn’t understand it. 


How could I explain to you that I didn’t know how?


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A light lost to time


You know I’ve often wondered if anyone would notice.
If there would be any kind of memorial for that piece of my soul i would give up to become Serenity.
Would the ones who knew her before mourn the loss of her light?
Her naivety? Her almost childlike wonder of the world around her?
Would they even notice? And if they did, would they shrug it off as expected?
Would they sigh in relief that she had finally “grown up”?
When she makes new friends and meets new acquaintances
Will they tell them about the light they had missed?
Would they lament over it
And cherish they memories of she who had been lost to time?

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A crown of flowers


Imagine if rather than snakes, 
Medusa had flowers in her hair. 
Now wouldn’t that be something?

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A measure of affection


The first time he told me he loved 
I laughed.
He couldn’t be serious.
We had met just a short while ago
We didn’t know each other enough
It was way too fast
How could it be real?

I was 21
I believed that for love to be real and true
He had to know my favourite colour
How many siblings I had
Or at least where my hometown was
So I rejected his affections
So we could know each other more
Now that I think about it
that was when the twinge began.

I watched him wait
I watched him give up
That twinge grew into an ache
I couldn’t understand it
I had made this decision 
And I knew it was the right one
So why was I feeling this way?

It would take a handful of years
When I was much older and a little wiser
For me to consider that maybe I had it wrong after all
What did the duration of time matter in the grand scheme of things?
What did my favourite colour have to do with who I was?
What did knowing the size of my family or the land my ancestors came from 
have to do with the depth or truth of our relationship? 
Where did I even get these parameters from?
How did I learn to use them as a way of measuring affection?

He knows my faith, he knows how to make me laugh 
and he sits with me in favourite spot everyday. 
Aren’t those things better and more important 
than my love for mostly pink but sometimes red?

I don’t know yet truly. I don't have the big answer.
I’m just writing these thoughts down as I have them..

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Inspired by a conversation with Ahsia.

Jasmine of Diana


I am the daughter of the moon
Jasmine of Diana 
Birth’d of sea foam and pollen 
carried on the tail wind of Boreas of the North.

I was created a wee thing
Amorphous; soft and vulnerable.
Like a sponge i absorbed all i came across.
Light, love, air and darkness.

While the light filled me, the darkness seduced me
So I wrapped my soul around them both and created a cocoon.
I found form in my chrysalis
And burst forth as Serenity. 


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Items in mirrors are closer than they appear.


Looking at the past through the rear view mirror
It’s been a decade
I have written all the goodbyes and all the fare-the-wells
But my heartstrings have refused to get the memo
They still wrap around the ghost of you 
Even the shadow of you is long gone
And yet
Yet
The truth is 
Items in mirrors are closer than they appear

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about truth


Ethics may change,
Clans, seasons and beliefs will change too.
People will change, and their moral codes with them

But truth, truth will remain the same
A shiny sparkling pearl 
No matter how deep it is buried and how much mud is thrown at it.

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For as long as you love me


You wasted so much time worrying about him
About the times he would call and the way he would look at me.
You worried that we were friends and that he would sway my heart away from you.

You didn’t understand that while you loved me, 
No one could take me away from you.
While you loved me, I was yours. 
And as long as you loved me, that remained true. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Four


As he died and flashed back on this life, he thought
“I no longer remember what I worked so hard for.”

And as i watched him bleed out
This fierce, misguided and somewhat evil man
I realised that i didn’t want that to be my last thought in this life
For whatever i had lived my life for to be revealed as worthless 
as my soul leaves my body and returns to the earth
as my final breaths begin to count down to the last.

Maybe this is all the Four’s* typical search for meaning again 
But it is still my truth.

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*Type 4 Enneagram

What a thought!


Here’s a grating thought 
An outrageous, heartbreaking and humbling thought.

All our history, our music, our chemistry.
All the twos and sevens 
All the guiding stars, wandering hands and malteasers
All the poetry
All the songs
All the Something Bigs

All those moments that seemed like the weaving of our tale
The building of our universe
The starting chapters of our lives
Chronicling the way we met
The way it changed
The way it grew
The way we learned
Our struggles, longing and undeniable attraction
How our souls seemed to exist on the same plane
How our waltz was sung by nature herself
That red thread connecting us forevermore 
We were one destiny that I believed in
One I would have laid my sword down before.

Yet.

All that we were
All that we could have been
The entirety of us
is simply a footnote in two separate biographies.

A grating, outrageous, heartbreaking and humbling thought indeed.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Despite you, without condition


I don’t mind making you feel good 
Or wiping your tears,
They hurt me almost as much as they hurt you
I wanted to absorb them from you 
To take my share of happiness and give it up in exchange for your sorrows.

I didn’t mind being there for you
Defending you 
Even apologising for you 
I never minded.

Even when it got really hard
Even when you didn’t make it easy 
Even when you lashed out at me 
Even when I got hurt and frustrated 
Even when you never acknowledged it 
Or me.

I tried to walk away but my legs wouldn’t move
Due to a small fact I realised long ago
Today I immortalise the words by
releasing them into the cosmos and giving them (more) power: 

Mother Dearest, I love you.
Despite you. 
Without condition. 

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Unwritten

You know I don't change what people think of me? I let them believe whatever the hell it is that they want. I think that if you got twenty people who I'm acquainted with in one room and had each one tell you who Jas is, you'll get 20 different answers. I don't bother changing the way people perceive me. Even when I am aware that they are totally wrong.

The first and biggest mistake they make is thinking that I'm normal. 
Or weird in the traditional way. 
Or even something that they've ever seen before.

I am none of those things.
I am not one thing.
Perhaps not even one person.
🌾
Shrug.

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