Experiences,

By fire

May 27, 2023 J. 0 Comments


Some times the words cannot bear it anymore and they force themselves out from within 
And I hear them
The ones she says and the ones she does not
Honestly sometimes I wish she would just say them all.
So we can get it all over with
I do not know if this slight regret I’ve begun to feel is mine
Or hers
Am I just empathically absorbing again 
Or is it all me?
50:50 maybe?

But regret is a useless emotion if you do not learn from it
So whether or not these feelings are inherently mine
I will take the lessons they teach me
And the ones I have been learning about being more open to the unknown 
I will take the lessons and I will live on.

I am not one to cry over spilled milk and closed doors
This, again, is another lesson I learned after repetitive storms
It is the gold line in the shape of butterfly wings that graces my back
It was a lesson learned by fire.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Day,

Healed? or Hidden?

May 17, 2023 J. 0 Comments


I’ve always thought I had to heal by myself 
No. That’s not completely true.

I found myself judged for some of my traumas 
- things I had kept bottled in my heart for years -
by the people I had told it to in trust so I could heal. 

This taught me to work through my healing process on my own. 
Otherwise, I did not count it as ‘real’ healing. 
I belied every other method of healing.

Having lived a few more years now, 
I’d like to correct my past self of her view on the topic 
and add some age acquired wisdom:

Healing is yours. 
It happens at your own time. 
Your own pace. 
Your own way. 

No one can take it from you. 
And no one can dictate it for you. 

If healing for another means finding justification in someone else
Then let them go for it.
Yes it is a road filled with uncertainty and danger 
but they could have better support than you did back then. 

Some people are fortunate enough to come together as two broken souls 
and heal each other just by being together and accepting each other. 

It is admirable that you want to do it on your own and are also capable of it
And maybe you don’t have it in you to trust anyone else with that position of power again
But healing is healing, my dear
in whatever form it comes.
You might not approve of some of its manifestations.
But I hope you learn to recognize when it is truly what it is. 

Having said that, 
healing is not self destructive. 
And sometimes having that support could help you heal quicker and better 
There is no reward for HOW you heal
Just as long as you do 
Healing is its own reward. 

So don’t swat away that reaching hand 
Or that steady presence because of your old wounds 
What this shows me now actually is that perhaps
just perhaps, 
those wounds never truly healed at all. 
You just buried them under mounds of subcutaneous cells 
like the body does with the tuberculosis bacteria.
You have built fortress walls around yourself 
higher than those of the Colosseum in its glory days. 
That is not healing honey, 
that is hiding. 

And, I am going to say this now because someone has to.. 
over the last couple of years
you have completely perfected this role.

You are not healed. 
You are simply in hiding.


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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

(It seems I channeled my inner Gretchen for this one, she would be proud).



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Night,

Heartfelt truths

May 05, 2023 J. 0 Comments


You want me to trust you with my heart
To trust you to not change your mind 
To not alter when alteration finds.

My heart desires an ever fixed point 
Assurance you can not give it 
And my heart will not settle for less.

Cowardice it might be 
But truth it is. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
0532 150223

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Astronomical,

The tenant

May 02, 2023 J. 0 Comments


“Come back home” the voice said softly, cajoling me with that tone I have never been able to say no to.

Don’t you see?
Can’t you see?
A place you can kick me out of when I no longer fit the slot you created for me is not home.
It is a rented space 
And I pay rent by continuing to conform to your rules and perceptions
Without creating any ripples 
Or raising my voice above a soft whisper.

This is not home
You are my landlord and I am nothing but a measly tenant 
Begging for scraps, extensions and a warm place to lay my head at night. 

This is not home
Not a place I can rest in comfort without fear.

You... are not my home.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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