Dawn

And for the first time I had the thought. 

What if I am not really two women? 
What if there’s just me.. and the woman I think I should be?

But which one is which? 
Which one is me? 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

black noodles


they had begun to worry and it showed
and i even felt a little guilty 
so I made an effort.
i even went out for dinner so they wouldn’t be alone
and i provided the entertainment again - as usual.
i played my role, did my part.
and as soon as she got the chance, she made me regret it.
twice, in one night.
so i am accepting my mugun hali
her september gift to me this year 
i will learn to say “NO”
even if i have to cut off my tongue to get the words through my pearly gates
but they will be spoken
and finally, 
finally, i will have peace.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
091120

While we are here


When two people are together 
Or have an opportunity to be together
Take it now.
Grab it with both hands and head for the docks
Sail on seas that will take you to your utopia and revel in it.
While you can.
But if you make the decision to walk away from it
No matter what your noble intentions are
Then don’t cry to me when the opportunity never presents itself again.

I was lied to before with words of destiny
And my hungry craving heart believed it even as it agonised 
Even as it bled.
The lie was the lullaby that put me to sleep
I held it close and cuddled with it every time the ghouls came out
Every time I was lonely, heartbroken and in pain 
Even when I began to recognise it for the lie it was
I held it still and let it soothe me with its false promises of someday
Until it got all worn down and tattered.
Or maybe i did.

Years went by
Years in which he found his mate
Got married and became a father.
With each great, jubilant achievement 
I wondered how then I would fit into the picture in this fantastical future
Until one day I looked at the portrait
I mean really looked at it 
Without the rose coloured lens of the lie
And realised a horrible truth;
There was no place for me in it at all
I don’t belong in this story. 
Not even as an extra or a footnote.

I stood there 
with not even crumbs to save or ashes to bury
Nothing.
As if it had never been.
It was gone, vanished - just like that
After romancing me with its lying tongue for years
It had simply left me standing out in the cold.
Years that had passed me by
Years I will never again get back.
All gone with the wind.

So no, don’t tell me about the destiny of patient love
I have no want or tolerance for it.
I believe in the here, now
This moment, this second.
So I will kiss you with wild abandon.
And run away with you on those high and turbulent seas
And I will believe you today when you tell me 
That I am your fate
That you will love me always 
I will believe you today, right here and now
In this moment, this second
While we’re here
While we can.

Tomorrow; any fated love of the future can sort itself out then.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0429/031020

I watched “The age of innocence” today.
I’m still not sure how i feel about it. Maybe it’s because I see life through the lessons of my own life.. but I don’t believe in that “if it’s meant to be” nonsense.

On the plus side it inspired a few pieces. Watch this space. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
0429/031020

My head is a jumble

You know when you know there are words you need to write? You can feel them rolling around inside your head. But then you pick up a pen or turn on the screen and - poof - you can’t find them again. And as long as you don’t put them down, you won’t be able to make heads or tails of it.

This is me right now.
I’ll return when I’ve sorted it out.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

The Two Women ~ MJ

I know what you want from me
but I can not give you what you want
I can not promise you forever 
You see there are two women in me and 
right now I don’t know which one loves you.

One woman falls in love hard, fast and wild
She is a hopeless romantic and she is fickle
She is highly capricious and eccentric
She could fall out of love with you tomorrow
just as quickly as she fell in love with you today 
And she will leave.
Do not doubt that for a second.
She was born with the heart of a gypsy 
and changes with the phases of the moon.
That is who she is.
And if you truly loved her, 
you would let her go when the time came.
Because you would understand that living any other way
would only extinguish her flame and spirit.
You will come to resent her for being who she is.
And she will let you because even out of love, she loves.
Again, that is who she is.

The other woman will resist love to her last
She falls in love slowly and with great reluctance 
Love will have to sneak up on her 
because she will run a mile if she saw it coming,
She is not particularly romantic 
but if she loves you today,
She will love you forever.
Her heart will bind itself to you through any and all situations
Even when you leave her alone.
She is steadfast, patient and loyal 
So she will stay, like the stars always remain
even when you can not see them during the day.
Her love for you will bind her completely 
Irrespective of her own wishes.
She will lose herself in being with you
You will repay her devotion with disdain
And she will bleed constantly from your carelessness.

So you see, I can not promise you forever.
Because either the first woman loves you 
And you will hate her tomorrow.
Or the second woman loves you
And you will ruin her in time.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Where the power lies

Writing about the 1000 things that makes you happy is easy.
Writing about that one bad day in a month builds resistance
And then you start to panic, trying to keep it under wraps
And the more you hide it, the stronger it gets
The more you fight it, the stronger it gets,
And the stronger it gets, the more it agitates you.
And isolates you.
It’s emotional blackmail.

But 

You write about it and put it out there before it can grow
And you take away its power.
You wake up the next day, 
lighter than you would have if you still carried the weight of that burden.
Some burdens though you can’t completely shrug off like that.
Those are burdens of circumstance.
Like the loss of a loved one, lost job or debt.
But part of the process remains the same - 
Take away its power.
Find home in acceptance.
Find peace within yourself 
It will ground and centre you

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Dear 19

I write about my pain because it is relief.
Simple.

But also.

I write about my hard times because 
of that 19 year old in my DM 
who says she wants to be like me when she grows up.
While I am flattered I cannot help but worry for her.
Because I’ve had to live through some really painful moments 
And sometimes, I relive them again in waking dreams just for kicks.

She is so young and untouched
I hope she doesn’t just see my art and garden and think me a perfect model.
I hope she sees all sides 
I hope she knows that there are rough days
I hope she knows that days could be months
And months could be years.
I hope she believes that she will survive.
I hope she survives.
I don’t know what her trials will be.
So I want her to know so she is prepared 
And not rudely awakened.
I hope she learns how to handle hard emotions 
I hope she knows that it’s okay to have hard emotions
I hope she finds her outlet.
I hope she finds her light
I hope learns how to keep her light
I hope she learns to share that light.

Dear 19, this is for you.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Night to Day.

They left me in the night and thought that they could scare me with the moon.
They didn't know that the moon and i were one and the same.

I walked into the day and saw the sun for the first time
It blinded me, but it gave me warmth
So i stayed a while.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

I come bearing baggage

I’ve realised something about myself.

I have had to let go of loves that i thought would always be mine. Not because I wanted to but because when it happened, it did so without my consent. No one asked for my permission. I realised that it wasn’t my decision as to whether they stayed or left. It was theirs. They decided - not me.
It happened once. Twice. Thrice. 
And baggage was formed.

 Systematically i learned how to stop holding on to love. I let it be ephemeral, transient. Even while i craved for a love that would be written in the stars. It was how i taught myself to survive. It was either that or block out love completely and that i could not do.

I am unable to ask anyone to stay. No matter how much i want them to. I simply won’t do it. I will do nothing to influence this decision. I will stand still as a statute with a look of perfect tranquility as they made their decision. 

So as far as i am concerned, you can stay or leave. I will survive either way. Never will i ask you to stay. I will leave the door open and the rest is up to you. But if you walk out, i will slam the door behind you. If you stay, you will have to close and lock the door behind you.. or I’m likely to reopen it every chance i get.

Hefty baggage this.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡

For the arms that hold me..


i am a touchy-feel-y person with my loved ones. my love language is a cross between touch and words. and i’ve always been surrounded by love. whenever i feel down and sad, i would walk up to one of circle and give them a hug. they would hug me back and a breath or two later i would feel sufficiently re-energised to do whatever it was that i needed to do. i have never really examined it - just accepted it as fact. i might have even taken it for-granted.

but when i walked out of that hospital.. away from the faces and the eyes. away from my gramps’ waning form. i took two steps towards the car and i broke down in tears. my brother was already there. he held me as my heart bled. no words, no questions, no judgement, just there.

it made me think back to all the times i‘ve been blessed enough to have arms hold me when i needed it. and how i never had to question it, ask for it or even say thank you for it. 

i am writing this because i never want to forget again. i am writing this because i know better now. I am writing this because i am grateful and words are both powerful and my love language. 

i am writing this for the arms that hold me.
present-continuous.

- J.

Meet SAL

I honestly don’t know how it is that I haven’t ever posted a SAL video here*. But better late than never. This is Sleeping at Last (SAL). 

I have chosen 7 of my favourite songs and created a playlist for you, enjoy!
  • Saturn
  • Two
  • Sun
  • Pluto
  • Light
  • Sight
  • Eight

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

*Ah! I just realised that I discovered him during my sabbatical which is why i didn’t mention him. Now you know. You’re welcome. 

Horror & Cupid


“During a taxi ride home from an unsuccessful valentines day date, you smell something unusual. On the seat beside you is someone else’s coat. You pick it up, in the hope of finding the owner’s identification in one of the pockets, only to discover that beneath it is a pile of what you really hope aren’t human hearts.”

I gasped before i could help it. Rather loudly too. Idiot. I knew he was watching me even before our eyes met in the rearview mirror. We watched each other for seconds that felt like an eternity and the cold flowing through my veins turned to solid-ice. I looked away, fidgeted for my phone and made a call.

“Hi! Yes. Yes. I’ll meet you at Cupid Park in 5”
Then to the driver, who was still watching me, “Can i just get off here?”
No answer.

My hands tightly gripped the phone and fear made my voice sound higher than usual. Still on the line, Grace is asking what the hell i was talking about.
He continued to silently watch me and i thought he wasn’t going to stop the car. My hands were already reaching for the door when he pulled up to the curb. I was out of the car before he put the car in brake. I pulled a bill from my bag not even checking to see what it was and handed it to him. But just then he grabbed my hand, smiled a toothy grin and said,
“I spent the night collecting some hearts for the Mrs for valentine’s. She likes them fresh, you know...”

In my defence, I didn’t know he meant pig hearts. I also didn’t know that pig heart was considered a delicacy to some and that it looks remarkably similar to the human heart. And I most especially didn’t know that he had a pacemaker and that spraying an entire can of pepper spray into his face was a health hazard and would land me in cuffs but here i am. Sitting in an interrogation room at the police station, writing my statement in an outrageously short dress i had used 2 month’s salary to buy just for tonight.
It’s official, i really hate Valentine’s Day.

Signed: Abigail Thomas
Date: 14/02/21


Juicy Raindrops! ♡

The Four Horsemen

“Apocalypse signs start to appear and they’re valid according to all religions that predicted them. One skinny guy shows up to your house and tells you he’s Apocalyse and hands you a shirt with a name badge on it that says “Death” and tells you your horse is outside.”

I laughed, even as trepidation caused the hairs behind my neck to stand. I tried to shut the door in his face but he put out a foot to stop me and said,
“Look just take the shirt and it will all make sense.”

I looked down at the shirt. It didn’t seem like anything special. In fact it looked like one of those £4 shirts from Primark. He was watching me, waiting for me to take it. He wasn’t going to budge unless I did so with an exasperated sigh, I reached for it.
As soon as my hand made contact, the sky went dark and there was thunder and lightning all at once and in an instant. There was also what felt like a loud roar in my head as i fell to ground, overwhelmed by the power of it.
It subsided after a few moments and i opened my eyes and stood up. The mirror in the entry way showed that i was wearing the death shirt even though I couldn’t remember it putting it on. I looked at Apocalypse. He smiled.
“Hello brother. War and Famine are out by the horses, let’s ride.”

We took over the globe. Every man, woman and child knew of us horsemen and we were revered for our power and might....

Jack is a 10 year old boy visiting with his grandfather in a nursing home. He says to his grandad.
“So this was all when you were part of a 60’s rockband?”
“Yes my boy, we were legendary.”
“Mummy said you were high most of the time”. 
“Yes my boy, that is true too. Good times”.
 
Note: this is all for humour. I am in no way or form supporting drugs. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Honest, selfish despair

the funny thing about death is that once it touches you and you get devastated by it, it leaves a subtle kind of mark behind. you become more aware of your own mortality and certain end. it could be you in the ground tomorrow. 
out like a light. 
gone forever.
but that doesn’t faze you much. what terrifies you so much that you miss a few breaths is the possibility of it being someone that holds a chunk of your heart. the very blood in your veins freezes as you see the faces of such people in your mind’s eye. and all you can selfishly think is:
‘please God no. i don’t know how i will survive this.’
no, it is definitely not your finest moment.
but the complete honesty of it would shame the hypocrite.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Why I couldn’t make it as a blogger

I will always tell you this: I am not a blogger. I am simply a girl who writes publicly.

I tried blogging you know. I paid for hosting (thrice!!) and even purchased a domain name*. But I couldn’t keep to it. 7 posts max and i wanted out. There was an internal pressure to keep to a schedule, follow the trends and write about things that were “relevant” and deliver “value” so i could grow a network and..
.. and that was how they lost me. Completely. 

I said i would do anything else. I would sing with my croaky voice and I will dance with my funky old school moves (unfortunately i am not part of the twerking generation) .. but i will not contaminate my writing. Writing is mine. It comes from a place that is inside of me. When i am writing as i think - just like now - i can actually feel the words flowing from my heart to my consciousness. And then i pause a little - just like now - and try to translate the feelings into the written word..  and then i smile as the words finally resonate with the feelings  - just like now. ^.^

I can write poetry. I can write short stories. Heck sometimes i even write lyrics (i still haven’t learned to play that guitar yet). But having to write in such a confining manner doesn’t work for me. It isn’t a even trade. I would be losing something that is vital to me for something that isn’t. I don’t have to think about the perceived value of what I write here and that makes everything that I write valuable .. to me. I don’t have to tailor my words so my post will maybe go viral and bring me a lot of fame and money. Anything else, but not this. It is too precious.

So no, i won’t change to Wordpress or Wix for better views and tools, I will not allow ads or promote this blog in any way because this is my space, my niche. :)
And it’s gonna stay that way.

If you’ve somehow stumbled your way here, then hi!
And if it doesn’t happen then i think it’s probably for the best.
We are all mad here.

J.
(The Book of Day).

*This was during my 3 year sabbatical away from this blog.

Of Day and Night.


I know what you’re thinking.

That I swagger in and out of here whenever it suits me.. And you’re right of course.
Every now and again, i will come on here, cut my wrist and show you the colour and texture of my blood. That is who i am and that is the relationship we have built over the years. 
On my very first post on this blog i told you that writing for me was living and that i could only write about things i knew. That is a fact that remains true to this day. So the darkness and the light, they are all me - and i am continuously learning how to accept them both without being completely blinded by one over the other. 

This blog has been “Insert appropriate title here”. It has been “Jasmine’s Playground”.  Right now, it is “Gypsy Hart”.. from tomorrow it will become something else. Which brings me back to the point i was trying to make from the start. I am here again to make changes to this blog. I just realised that in about 7 months, it will be 10 years since I took the plunge and started this blog. My friend Aisha (remember her from here) talked me into it, read every single post and left supportive comments. In a few months she’d have been gone for as many years as I’ve been blogging writing publicly. 

I can not tell you how all these factors are linked because my brain hasn’t made the conscious connection yet but it’s in there and right now, i know that this is what i need to do.

So if you can stomach it and keep reading.. pull up a chair and sit with me by this fire and i will tell you all the stories that i know as i learn them.

It’s been a hell of a time! If you’re still here.. Thank you for giving a type of meaning to my madness.

I’m now out of ginger tea - so I’ll stop here today.

-J.

Beware the advent of winter


I know that there are men that i should be wary of
These creatures have perfected the art of emotional manipulation 
And me? I see, think and feel with my heart
I am prime prey.

They will take, take and take
And I will give, give and give
Because this is how i love
I give without measure
Without expecting anything in return.

Sometimes i will look up
Because while i am a lover, i am not stupid 
I will look up and look at them
Exalting in their smugness for having baited me yet again
Or with half a crocodile tear making its way down one cheek
And i will feel pity for them.
Real pity
Because today they are playing with my honest emotions 
and i will let it happen
For them
For me
But soon, very soon, the day will come
When they will lay in a bath of molten lava 
With red hot coals on their heads
And i will feel nothing.

This is why i pity them
For the day when my emotions stop flowing for them
Because on the reverse of my true love is icy unfeelingness
Not contempt or hatred
Those are too engaging
I will quite literally feel nothing at all.

So today while i still can feel,
I will smile up at them
And give them another pint of blood.

Don’t worry about me though,
My blessings are vast, I will make up more blood.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

What is 'normal' anyway?



I have had this saved for 6 years.
And still i cannot find fault in it.
So today, I post it here.

J.

Of Romeo and his fair Juliet


What if Friar John had known the gravity of the content of the letter he carried?
Would he then not have stopped in Mantua for a travel companion  
and therefore not been delayed by the accusation of the plague?
What if Friar Laurence had come up with a better plan?
What if Miss Capulet had simply told her parents the truth?
What if she had married Count Paris?
What if the apothecary hadn't been a poor man in need of money?
What if Romeo had never gone to the ball?
What if Juliet were a stronger woman
And Romeo a less fickle man? 

Would we, even today, know of them? Of Romeo and his fair Juliet?
What if Mr Shakespare had decided to give the young lovers a happier end?
Would we be as interested in their peaceful love as we are in their tragedy?
If the story were simply that they had lived and loved..
Would we, even today, tell their story and know their names?
And if not, what does that say about us as a people?

“From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, 
A pair of star cross’d lovers take their life; 
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows, 
Doth with their death bury their parents’ strife.”

Did two souls have to be lost for two feuding families to make peace?
I think the even greater tragedy would have been had they not.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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