Night,

Be careful what you wish for..

August 18, 2023 J. 0 Comments


This is why one shouldn’t complain
Especially not about good things.

I complained about a lack of fuel.
The pain that fuels my work and creativity
I complained that I had healed and lacked fuel.

Well the heavens heard my cry
And promptly fulfilled my wish
Now I am filled to the brim with an abundance of fuel.

Yay me.
Yes - I will bleed constantly, but I will make art.
After all, it is required for a beautiful pie-ce.


1819100523
 Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Night,

is this what it takes?

August 08, 2023 J. 0 Comments


I know you are in pain.
I know you are not content.
I know that she is not the easiest person to live with.
I know it is well within your rights.
But..

But I CANNOT HELP THE WAY I FEEL!!!

And what I feel is that 
you want to make a new family that will satisfy you better.
You are risking what we already have, 
held together by bandages that it is, 
for a gamble. 

There is no way that this decision will FIX us 
so this isn’t to FIX what we have
it is to give yourself an escape. 
Another option. 
Another go at it. 
Something shiny, new and better.

I feel awful even thinking it. 
Call me selfish, call me immature, 
call me whatever you want 
- but I have to get it out 
or I will not be able to stop crying my heart out right now.

All I can hear is that you have given up on this family. On us.
Will it truly make you happy Baba?
Will burning down the house we already have make you happy?
Will it take the pain away?
Will a new family be what it takes to make you content now?

If it truly will, 
I will find it in myself not to resent you for giving up on us

But not now... not today.


1712100523
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Night,

Delayed reaction

August 01, 2023 J. 0 Comments


You know,
I really don’t like delayed reactions.
Sometimes the opportunity for some badass, epic comebacks is lost.
Other times you will be making your bed on a Wednesday afternoon
After forcefully pulling yourself out of it
and suddenly end up in a puddle on the floor 
drowning in a pool of your own tears like Little Alice.

I thought I was fine.
I really did.
When she told me, i thought I was fine. 
For days.
Almost an entire week.
And then today I broke down without warning.

I should have known. 
My vague reaction to such shocking news should have been a warning. 
I should be able to recognise the signs by now. 
Fully immersing myself in the fictional, magical world of books
Unwilling to leave my bed for days
Craving connection and yet denying myself, 
Being overly bright and compensating when in company..

My mind was protecting me from the harsher emotions as usual. 
Letting me feel them in small increments over time 
so it doesn’t overload, short-circuit and crash. 
So my heart doesn’t cease beating in shock.
So I don’t end up clutching my blanket on the floor 
barely able to take a full breath through rapid gasps
barely able to type through my tears.

1712100523
 Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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