The Book of Day

The ever-fixed mark

December 25, 2024 J. 0 Comments


Life is a series of choices 
In the end we are but a culmination of all the choices we have made in our lives 
The little, almost insignificant ones
And the huge destiny changing ones.
She, in all her chaos, is the one I have chosen as my partner through this journey of life
She is one of my life’s greatest choices.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Title reference : Shakespeare's Sonnet 116

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Night

wicked proposition

December 20, 2024 J. 0 Comments


I hate how it feels like you’re waiting me out
Like you know I will eventually break down,
change my mind and accept your wicked proposition.

It irks me
It makes me feel like you scoff at my restraint by hovering 
Like a waiting, seducing temptation 
Like I am only putting on a show and 
you are patiently watching for the end
Like I am a child that's being indulged
mollified, so I will not throw a tantrum.

And I am not even tempted. Not at all.

But it feels like you plan to wear me out
Like you are waiting for the loneliness to overcome me
For that one moment when I will not be able to take it anymore
For a crack to appear on the surface 
So you can swoop down like the vulture that you are to ravage.

I ignore you and don’t talk to you 
or answer your calls for weeks, months
My phone always on DND and yet you remain
And not in a way that I can complain about
Or get a restraining order for.

No,
You wait silently, patiently. 
Because you know me so well
And you know that when pushed,
I dive head first in the other direction.
So you're not giving me a real reason to bolt.
You're just quietly undermining me.

You know me well,
And I hate you for it
I hate you for what you represent 
I hate you for doubting my beliefs
I hate you for attempting to break me
I hate that you have what I need from someone that’s mine
And you are not mine
And I don't want you to be.

And yet, lately
I have begun to wonder if this is it
What if this is the best I can get?
Because it means that I will walk away from what would be the best I can get/

Now in my 30s, 
I am beginning to hear that clock ticking and it scares me
Even when I don’t know its face.

I don’t want to end up alone
I don’t want to have a heart attack, alone in my home
I want to pass away while someone holds my hand 
With promises to reunite on the other side
I don’t want my corpse to only be found weeks after I pass.

You tempt me with all these possibilities that you cannot even give to me
Even if I do break and allow you in.

And honestly, this is the reason why I hate you the most.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Musings

last breath

December 17, 2024 J. 0 Comments


15.. 16.. 17
i have been counting all the breaths 
i have taken since i felt the blade cut through.
one of them will be my last
i have never cherished my breaths as deeply as i do in this moment
feeling each one, savouring it.. 
wondering why i didn’t cherish every single one i ever took before.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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The Book of Day

summer fling

December 15, 2024 J. 0 Comments



i did you wrong
i know it.

i also know that saying it was never going to work anyway, 
sounds extremely patronising
because the truth is that i could have given you a chance
i could have given us a chance, 
i could have tried for us,
for you
but i did not. 
consciously. intentionally.

in retrospect i never saw beyond our differences 
beyond all the ways in which we were unsuitable
and for that reason, i let you get as close as you did
because you were no threat to my mummified heart.
it was selfish of me
but i was curious and honestly, a little bored
and i thought it was the same for you.
i refused to believe anything else.

but then, you broke the rules and surprised me
repeatedly. 
you found the gold in my eyes that i had forgotten existed
you took my hand and held on even when i tried to playfully shrug you off
you made me see myself through your eyes
and reminded me what it was like to feel wanted
chosen. seen.

you made us drive around town to find tom-tom when i had a cold
i protested, you insisted
my heartstrings twitched 
awakening from their atrophied state
and the panic began to set it.
it only escalated when you convinced me
to take a bite of that forbidden fruit too.
i knew as i left you that night that it was the last time i would see you.

i did you wrong
i know it.
but then you’ve ruined tom-tom for me
it now has an extra sour flavour of guilt.

the scales have been balanced.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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The Book of Day

closure

November 20, 2024 J. 0 Comments


I hate open endings 
even in the books I read. 
Give me a conclusion goddammit 
Give me some closure
Don’t leave me hanging for the rest of my life 
Because I have a thing for clutching on to loose ends 
The feline of my spirit reacting like a cat to a strand of yarn 
Futilely holding on for dear life 
Forgetting that we always, always land on our feet 
Maybe not as gracefully for me 
But safely, definitely.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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The Book of Night

Rip my heart out already!

November 16, 2024 J. 0 Comments


Rip my heart out already 
so I can move on

Because I have continued to (love you and) hold on to that promise.
My heart filled with hope and belief in that future you prophesied 
One where you and I would waltz once again like we did before
One, two three.. one, two three..

You told your friend to tell my friend to tell me
and somewhere along the way 
the message got lost to the narrative of others.
Now I know that you should have said it to my face.
Maybe then I wouldn’t still keep these traces of you here 

Make sure to rip it out in front of me and hold it in your bloody hands before my eyes
Seeing is believing, they say.
Don’t stand behind me
Don’t hide the scalpel behind your back and smile into my eyes
Don’t do anything to distract me from the beautiful horror of that moment.

How can I move on when you left me with words like “if we are meant to be..”?
My romantic heart dreamt up the rest of the story
And continued to wrap its strings around you
Hoping for a gold star for its loyalty when that time did come 
and our destiny led us back into each other's arms.
That stupid, stupid ball of nerves and muscle.

I do not want this fake hope anymore 
and I do not know how to shed it 
so I am pleading with you to do me this one last thing.. 
this one mercy..

Rip my heart out.. so I can move on.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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The Book of Day

The brink of faith

September 20, 2024 J. 0 Comments



An important part of life is the brinks 
and our reaction to them. 
Who we are on the brinks of our lives.

The brink of getting everything you’ve ever wanted 
The brink of losing everything you’ve ever had 
The brink of gaining something you want 
The brink of losing someone you love 
The brink of dying 
The brink of recovery 
The brink of shattering
The brink of flight

What choice do you make when you’re on the brink of desperation 
WHO are you in that moment, that brink?

While you are standing at the brink
The edge of the everything you know and the unknown that you don’t 
Always choose faith. 

“Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen 
Either there will be solid ground for you to walk on 
Or you will be taught to fly.” - Edward Teller

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Dear Reader

Happy 13th!

September 01, 2024 J. 0 Comments



Dear reader (if any exist at this point*),

I came on here to purge out some pain like i usually do and ended up reading many of the posts here. Sometimes reading my own poems triggers me but somehow tonight, they gave me comfort - even the really dark ones inspired by really painful memories. Fancy that?

In only days it will be the 13th year anniversary of my friend Aisha. You might remember her from here. 13 years! That means that this blog is also 13 years old now. Somehow it feels longer. I was 20 the year i started this blog and in the years between then and now i have gone through an entire universe worth of emotions. sigh. i know that doesn't sound poetically elegant but i am emotionally wrung out right now so forgive it, okay? I have written of light and dark, maybe more of the dark in recent years. But my initial promise from my very first post remains true - i only write of things i know. I have changed from girl to woman in this time and experienced the myriad of trials and emotions to comes with that. There are so many uncompleted pieces in my drafts folder that i cannot be motivated to edit and post. But each one represents a part of me, a stage, a sunflower head.

Why did i start this entry again? I think i've lost it. Ah yes, time passing and 13 years. 

I survived this August without even remembering to be wary of it. As if i had already simply accepted the transformation it will bring. For someone who has always been resistant to change that it saying a lot. Time, changes, transformation...

I know it sounds like i am about to make changes to the blog again but i promise i am not. I am still satisfied with the title and look... for now. I guess i am just musing. That is all.

Happy 13th year of this journey with the Psych-ward Breakout. May the madness reign forevermore.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

*i have changed the title and URL of this blog so many times now that i will be surprised if anyone even knows it exists anymore or how to find it. unfortunately the "subscribe by mail" feature was removed by Blogger several years ago so there was no way to alert anyone of the name change and new link. But alas, this is what life is. We come into each other's lives and orbit for a reason and season. Thank you for the many years in which you kept me company, left me messages and gave a kind of meaning to my madness. Wherever you are now, I hope you are alive and well.

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The Book of Night

breaking in the moment

September 01, 2024 J. 0 Comments


i vaguely realise that i am going through something right now.
it is something that yanks me out of every comfort zone i possess 
and forces me to share my life with another.
against my will.
despite it being, possibly, for my own good.
down the line.
in the long run.
maybe.

but realising this does not mean that the situation is resolved.
i am still going through it. right now.
i am still reacting to it. right now.
i am still seeking comfort and finding none.


so maybe i will be fine some time in the future
and might even look back to this moment and label it an overreaction.
it is a privilege that the future version of me will possess.
the ability to not be as tied to the turbulent maelstrom of emotions within me right now.
the ability to look upon them from behind a screen, 
a place of safety.
a place of knowing.
a place of having lived through this already,
through eyes of memory.

so yes, 
while distantly being aware that this is just another phase 
on the road of life 
that i may one day not even remember clearly 
even if i read this again,
right now,
right this very minute,
in this moment,
my heart is actively breaking.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Sunflowers

Dreams & Confessions

June 18, 2024 J. 0 Comments



I would like to be a wealthy woman. It would help me do the things that I want to do.

I would like to travel some. Not extensively but I would like to see the Ka’abah in this lifetime and visit the Mosque Al-Aqsa if it is meant. And Venice.. I have romanticised this city so much that it may not even live up to the one on the pedestal but still.. I would like to see it before it returns to the ocean. I wonder if the Greeks preserved the ancient grecian architecture. You know those temple-like pillars with all the pretty plaster art. i should google it. Maybe I’ll take a European tour?

I would like a life partner.. sometimes. On some of my good days. Other times I am too selfish with my time, leisure and peace of mind to share. But, on those good days I think it would be nice. A person of my own, a confidante, supporter, lover.

I would love my Cheriè. I bought a doll house for her and I have been steadily furnishing it. I don’t know how/if she will come to me. And on my not-so-good days I wonder if wanting her is an extension of my selfishness. What really can I offer her beyond my love?

These are things I want and admittedly I may have found myself waiting for at some point in my life. Some even occurred in concert. I’m impatient - it’s a flaw I’m working on tempering but I AM impatient. I don’t think I am capable of simply living a life of waiting. Waiting for him, waiting for her, waiting to see it, waiting to get it.. My Cottage is my big dream. But I realised that I couldn’t keep waiting. Working hard and hoping that someday I ‘might’ get there. Instead, I’m working on my garden. No garden space? Build custom garden beds. I get to have them and enjoy them now and when my Rabb blesses me with an actual cottage (better than my dreams I’ll bet), I’ll have all the experience and knowledge required to live the way I want to there. 

This sunflower flower head is enjoying her life and learning to plant her own food, make glass craft, sculpt clay and carve wood - accumulating skills - just imagine all the things the next bud will be capable of!

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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