The Book of Day

The ever-fixed mark

December 25, 2024 J. 0 Comments


Life is a series of choices 
In the end we are but a culmination of all the choices we have made in our lives 
The little, almost insignificant ones
And the huge destiny changing ones.
She, in all her chaos, is the one I have chosen as my partner through this journey of life
She is one of my life’s greatest choices.

0304190522 
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Title reference : Shakespeare's Sonnet 116

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Night

wicked proposition

December 20, 2024 J. 0 Comments


I hate how it feels like you’re waiting me out
Like you know I will eventually break down,
change my mind and accept your wicked proposition.

It irks me
It makes me feel like you scoff at my restraint by hovering 
Like a waiting, seducing temptation 
Like I am only putting on a show and 
you are patiently watching for the end
Like I am a child that's being indulged
mollified, so I will not throw a tantrum.

And I am not even tempted. Not at all.

But it feels like you plan to wear me out
Like you are waiting for the loneliness to overcome me
For that one moment when I will not be able to take it anymore
For a crack to appear on the surface 
So you can swoop down like the vulture that you are to ravage.

I ignore you and don’t talk to you 
or answer your calls for weeks, months
My phone always on DND and yet you remain
And not in a way that I can complain about
Or get a restraining order for.

No,
You wait silently, patiently. 
Because you know me so well
And you know that when pushed,
I dive head first in the other direction.
So you're not giving me a real reason to bolt.
You're just quietly undermining me.

You know me well,
And I hate you for it
I hate you for what you represent 
I hate you for doubting my beliefs
I hate you for attempting to break me
I hate that you have what I need from someone that’s mine
And you are not mine
And I don't want you to be.

And yet, lately
I have begun to wonder if this is it
What if this is the best I can get?
Because it means that I will walk away from what would be the best I can get/

Now in my 30s, 
I am beginning to hear that clock ticking and it scares me
Even when I don’t know its face.

I don’t want to end up alone
I don’t want to have a heart attack, alone in my home
I want to pass away while someone holds my hand 
With promises to reunite on the other side
I don’t want my corpse to only be found weeks after I pass.

You tempt me with all these possibilities that you cannot even give to me
Even if I do break and allow you in.

And honestly, this is the reason why I hate you the most.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
1917261123

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Musings

last breath

December 17, 2024 J. 0 Comments


15.. 16.. 17
i have been counting all the breaths 
i have taken since i felt the blade cut through.
one of them will be my last
i have never cherished my breaths as deeply as i do in this moment
feeling each one, savouring it.. 
wondering why i didn’t cherish every single one i ever took before.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0631150823

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The Book of Day

summer fling

December 15, 2024 J. 0 Comments



i did you wrong
i know it.

i also know that saying it was never going to work anyway, 
sounds extremely patronising
because the truth is that i could have given you a chance
i could have given us a chance, 
i could have tried for us,
for you
but i did not. 
consciously. intentionally.

in retrospect i never saw beyond our differences 
beyond all the ways in which we were unsuitable
and for that reason, i let you get as close as you did
because you were no threat to my mummified heart.
it was selfish of me
but i was curious and honestly, a little bored
and i thought it was the same for you.
i refused to believe anything else.

but then, you broke the rules and surprised me
repeatedly. 
you found the gold in my eyes that i had forgotten existed
you took my hand and held on even when i tried to playfully shrug you off
you made me see myself through your eyes
and reminded me what it was like to feel wanted
chosen. seen.

you made us drive around town to find tom-tom when i had a cold
i protested, you insisted
my heartstrings twitched 
awakening from their atrophied state
and the panic began to set it.
it only escalated when you convinced me
to take a bite of that forbidden fruit too.
i knew as i left you that night that it was the last time i would see you.

i did you wrong
i know it.
but then you’ve ruined tom-tom for me
it now has an extra sour flavour of guilt.

the scales have been balanced.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
1721141524

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