Rado
do we have a beginning though? we've always been opposing forces determined to maintain a friendship. what i thought was our unsuitability was simply our stars crossing - constantly. but i am getting ahead of myself.
if i had to pick a beginning for us, it would have to be middle school. you were my person. the one who told me what the mean girls said behind my back - so i could confront and kick their butts for it. you were always on my team. you were my person and that was enough.
the very first hic for me was one night in senior high. my beau was being detained and i was sitting by a classroom window alone wondering things a 16 year old wonders when she sees other girls flirting with her boyfriend.. and her boyfriend flirting back. you came to me, took one look at me and another at him (them) and you sat with me. for the life of me i cannot remember what exactly you said to me that night but it calmed me. i remember something about his loving me and not being foolish enough to risk that. you made me smile and he found us like that (and misunderstood of course). he was always jealous of our relationship, did i tell you that? if i weren't who i am and he who he is, he would have asked me to stop being friends with you. i guess even he saw the possibility before we did.
next i remember college. vividly. you were still my person, we spoke several times a day, and you visited often - i loved you, simply. we had lost our partners but we had each other. we might have overcompensated with each other because we were dating without the title. do you remember the time i "slept" in your arms because you had taken the bed in Lola's room? i use the quotation marks because i had way too many butterflies in my tummy to actually be asleep. but i let you think so. then you were finally bold enough to tell me.. and i didn't take it well. what? how? why? i had just ended one relationship. they were fleeting in my mind - you and i transcended that so why did you want to mess us up? but the cat was out of the bag and we couldn't be the same. either i was frustrated with you for changing our dynamics or you were frustrated with me for not feeling the same. but i couldn't. i wouldn't let myself. so what did we both do? we started seeing other people and inadvertently started what will be our story for a long time to come. it obviously created this gap between us. we didn't speak anymore, let alone talk. you weren't my person anymore. and i realized that in trying to save our friendship, i had ruined it.
another moment that sticks out is attending a friend's birthday party at her house. i was bored and looking around - and there you were, across from me and staring. i guess it was one of those scorching looks you read about in romance books because i felt it all the way to my toes. and i couldn't look away. i did though when i realized that while we were otherwise occupied, you had someone on your arm and mine was being held by another. we had made a mess of it all. there was no going back it seemed. but a year or so later, you would call me and we would talk and make up (this is also another pattern we will unwittingly adopt). that first time, it was like the estrangement had never occurred. we were both single so why not.. but you never went there again. i had just ended a roller coaster relationship and had developed some baggage of my own so i wasn't going to put myself out there either. so we pretended. and it became a rot that infested our already fragile bond. we stopped being able to express civility. we went back to bickering and fighting about everything. we were kind-of friends but the bond was shaky and any small turbulence would blow it away. remember the pattern i mentioned? we would part to reunite to part to reunite. i remember thinking a couple years back that it was as if we couldn't stay away from each other. it inspired me to write the only novel I've started and completed in my adult life "Friends and Lovers". i remember the dedication. it went: "i couldn't deny Rafe and Lily their happy ending just because we messed ours up. they earned it. they deserved it."
about two years ago i began to heal fully from the scars that i had suffered from during my life to that point. i went on a soul-walk and found myself. well, who i wanted to be anyway. i also decided that it was time that i put myself on the block like you had done once. so, when the words wouldn't just come out, i kissed you. you were shell shocked and i was embarrassed. i was even more embarrassed when i found out that i had apparently kissed someone who was in a relationship with another. i have felt so much for you in my life but that was the time when i felt something akin to hatred for you. for so many reasons - the foremost being that you hadn't had the decency to tell me yourself. that was when i realized just how close the line between love and hate was. and yes, i was in love with you at this time. i had convinced myself that if our time wouldn't come, i would create it. what a silly little girl i was huh? after that you might have tried, i don't know - i know i didn't though. i think we were both just too exhausted. and who could blame us, look at our history! it speaks for itself.
on the last day i saw you, you made me tell you why and finally i did. i didn't want to lose my person, i guess i didn't realize then that you were on lease and not mine to keep.
i told you it was easy to write about you. but now i can't anymore. the words have finished. we are not wasted effort, we are wasted potential and i think that's worse. now we are just strangers who share a past. however colourful it may be.
this is not a love letter. it is a farewell note. maybe someday i might actually send it to you.
and then again, maybe not.
hic: starcrossed
you asked me for our story and what writer worth her salt is unable to write her own story? your exact words were "from the beginning to the point where you can't anymore".do we have a beginning though? we've always been opposing forces determined to maintain a friendship. what i thought was our unsuitability was simply our stars crossing - constantly. but i am getting ahead of myself.
if i had to pick a beginning for us, it would have to be middle school. you were my person. the one who told me what the mean girls said behind my back - so i could confront and kick their butts for it. you were always on my team. you were my person and that was enough.
the very first hic for me was one night in senior high. my beau was being detained and i was sitting by a classroom window alone wondering things a 16 year old wonders when she sees other girls flirting with her boyfriend.. and her boyfriend flirting back. you came to me, took one look at me and another at him (them) and you sat with me. for the life of me i cannot remember what exactly you said to me that night but it calmed me. i remember something about his loving me and not being foolish enough to risk that. you made me smile and he found us like that (and misunderstood of course). he was always jealous of our relationship, did i tell you that? if i weren't who i am and he who he is, he would have asked me to stop being friends with you. i guess even he saw the possibility before we did.
next i remember college. vividly. you were still my person, we spoke several times a day, and you visited often - i loved you, simply. we had lost our partners but we had each other. we might have overcompensated with each other because we were dating without the title. do you remember the time i "slept" in your arms because you had taken the bed in Lola's room? i use the quotation marks because i had way too many butterflies in my tummy to actually be asleep. but i let you think so. then you were finally bold enough to tell me.. and i didn't take it well. what? how? why? i had just ended one relationship. they were fleeting in my mind - you and i transcended that so why did you want to mess us up? but the cat was out of the bag and we couldn't be the same. either i was frustrated with you for changing our dynamics or you were frustrated with me for not feeling the same. but i couldn't. i wouldn't let myself. so what did we both do? we started seeing other people and inadvertently started what will be our story for a long time to come. it obviously created this gap between us. we didn't speak anymore, let alone talk. you weren't my person anymore. and i realized that in trying to save our friendship, i had ruined it.
another moment that sticks out is attending a friend's birthday party at her house. i was bored and looking around - and there you were, across from me and staring. i guess it was one of those scorching looks you read about in romance books because i felt it all the way to my toes. and i couldn't look away. i did though when i realized that while we were otherwise occupied, you had someone on your arm and mine was being held by another. we had made a mess of it all. there was no going back it seemed. but a year or so later, you would call me and we would talk and make up (this is also another pattern we will unwittingly adopt). that first time, it was like the estrangement had never occurred. we were both single so why not.. but you never went there again. i had just ended a roller coaster relationship and had developed some baggage of my own so i wasn't going to put myself out there either. so we pretended. and it became a rot that infested our already fragile bond. we stopped being able to express civility. we went back to bickering and fighting about everything. we were kind-of friends but the bond was shaky and any small turbulence would blow it away. remember the pattern i mentioned? we would part to reunite to part to reunite. i remember thinking a couple years back that it was as if we couldn't stay away from each other. it inspired me to write the only novel I've started and completed in my adult life "Friends and Lovers". i remember the dedication. it went: "i couldn't deny Rafe and Lily their happy ending just because we messed ours up. they earned it. they deserved it."
about two years ago i began to heal fully from the scars that i had suffered from during my life to that point. i went on a soul-walk and found myself. well, who i wanted to be anyway. i also decided that it was time that i put myself on the block like you had done once. so, when the words wouldn't just come out, i kissed you. you were shell shocked and i was embarrassed. i was even more embarrassed when i found out that i had apparently kissed someone who was in a relationship with another. i have felt so much for you in my life but that was the time when i felt something akin to hatred for you. for so many reasons - the foremost being that you hadn't had the decency to tell me yourself. that was when i realized just how close the line between love and hate was. and yes, i was in love with you at this time. i had convinced myself that if our time wouldn't come, i would create it. what a silly little girl i was huh? after that you might have tried, i don't know - i know i didn't though. i think we were both just too exhausted. and who could blame us, look at our history! it speaks for itself.
on the last day i saw you, you made me tell you why and finally i did. i didn't want to lose my person, i guess i didn't realize then that you were on lease and not mine to keep.
i told you it was easy to write about you. but now i can't anymore. the words have finished. we are not wasted effort, we are wasted potential and i think that's worse. now we are just strangers who share a past. however colourful it may be.
this is not a love letter. it is a farewell note. maybe someday i might actually send it to you.
and then again, maybe not.
J.
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