As man forgets


I know that man forgets.
I know this. 
But has it really been so long now that the veneer has worn off completely?
Is that why I can get kicked down today for my inability?
As if I wouldn’t if I could.
As if I didn’t when I could. 

I know that man forgets, but did you ever see me at all?
All those times when you didn’t even have to ask.
I don’t remember all the times myself
because it was never a tally 
It was that I would do many things for you 
And so I did.

But alas you’ve forgotten now as men tend to.
And I do know that man forgets 
I just wish that your words hadn’t felt like claws 
being scraped incessantly against on a wall.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

What you see is your reflection.


If what we see when we look at others is a reflection of ourselves
then it means that other people are essentially mirrors.

So that person that you think is arrogant, stuck up and likes to flaunt their wealth? 
The one with no sense of self worth and falls for all kinds of schemes and tricks?
The one who is just plain lazy yet unbelievably lucky?
The one who is just an a**-kisser and sticks their nose in everyone's business?

They are all your perceptions. 
Your view through the looking glass. 

It is not their reality.

Beware that you don’t judge others by projecting your insecurities on them.  

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

It's okay not to be okay.


Everything inspires me and yet few things do. This movie inspired me to write. 
And that’s something I do not take for granted.
It really is okay to not be okay. 


Juicy Raindrops! ♡

August


For many years I hated August
I thought it came around to test me in ways I did not want to be tested 
To challenge the boundaries of my sanity
And leave bloody fingerprints on the walls of my sanctuary.
I have had my heart broken in August, twice
My turbulent love waltz began in August all those years ago
And in true form crumbled in another August almost a decade later.

A lot of huge (unpleasant) changes in my life have occurred in August
Changes i didn't like or want
Changes that demanded more from me than i was willing to give
Changes that forced me out of my comfort zone
Changes that left me broken on the bathroom floor 
Trying to glue myself back together 
Yeah, I definitely hated August.

But this August, 
The thirty-first one I have experienced, came with a realisation.
August does not come to break and torment me 
It comes to transform and rebuild me
and transformation is never pretty.

Here’s to this August.
The first one I have ever liked not hated.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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love.


Go ahead and do it. 
Fully, completely. 

Trust that should you fall, 
I will lift you.
Should you break,
I will fix you. 
Trust me. 
Go ahead and love. 
I’m here for you. 

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Live.. i dare you!


It simply popped into my head of out seemingly no where on a regular Friday evening while I was in the studio. The thought that I don't reach for what I want. That living this cautious life was fine and dandy but regret was a pill that remained bitter even after the initial taste. 

I am 30 years old. I have made several choices in my life. And many I would make over and over again. Some though, until recently, until this thought - I believed I would make again but I know that to be false now. I loved and lived cautiously. I never dared! And on those brief occasions when I dipped my little toe into the sea of life and felt the cold I snatched it right back and fell into the warm safety of my shell. 

Cocooned, familiar and safe. Watching from within the safe confines for my own pre-arranged boundaries. But it was such a limited view. What about the whip of the fresh sea breeze in my hair, on my face? What about the feel of the sand between my toes and that of the ocean as it reaches it waves and wraps them around my ankles drawing me into itself? The warmth of the sun as it shines and the comfort of the rain as it falls and drenches every part of me. 

I don’t want to live in a shell anymore. I want to dare. To not make decisions from a place of fear, desolation and loneliness. I am the fucking Sun and Moon. All at once and all the time. I will not shrink. I will not be meek. I will not be speechless. 

No longer.

Go on Jas, live boldly. I dare you!

 Juicy Raindrops! ♡
200621

Not really yours but yours for a time.

"What is yours can’t be taken away"
That's what you believe. 

The truth is:
What is yours can be taken away if you mistreat it.
What is yours can change its mind.
What is yours can choose to belong to another 
What is yours might have requirements you cannot provide. 

All that you think is yours is borrowed.
Transient. 
Temporary. 

Because this whole journey is ephemeral.
Remember that.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Live your choice

Do not live the kind of life you’d be ashamed of. Something you’re scared to have exposed or that can be used to blackmail you.

Live the kind of life you would be proud to declare loudly. It might not be the smoothest or the prettiest but it would be filled with your truth. Heart, soul and truth.

Yes there is consequence but don’t mistake fear for caution. They are not the same. Dare to live. Dare to speak your truth. Dare to take up room. 

Also, dare to be silent if you choose. Dare to be massless like air. It is a form of living too.

Life therefore is what you decide. Change your mind as often as you need. We are not built to be static and stagnant. Life is too short for that. We are in constant motion, a state of constant flux. We all are. Know thyself first. Through all your seasons and changes. Explore, learn, know.

Learn to see people for who and what they are today and now. Learn them again if they matter. Just as they will learn you again and again if it matters to them.

Some are incapable of this relearning process. They don’t even know that such a thing exists. And they may be people that are close enough to you to matter. Since you know this about them already and they matter enough, do not take it all to heart - especially when they throw blades and kunai knives at you. 

It’s okay, breathe.

You decide what you take in, what you absorb. You can say no. You can choose no.
I’ll remind you again, life is what you decide - so live your choice

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Quoted

“I am a sensible man.
 If I have to, I always do it myself. 
But for the things that aren’t my business, 
I won’t meddle in.” 

 - Nie Huaisang (Episode 50) - The Untamed (Netflix)

Juicy Raindrops! ♡ 

Confetti


Yes, there is unmistakable beauty in the bloom. One that everyone can recognise. 
But there is also beauty in the fall. 
In my mind, the falling petals are like confetti. 
It is a celebration of a life lived. 

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

The balloon man


Should I be punished for reaching out to love with trembling, greedy hands? 
Is my innocence any different from that of a child who reaches out to the balloon man? 

Photo: The Balloon Merchant by Brassai, Paris 1931
Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Let your kindness be your kindness


Why boast of your scarifices when you were rewarded for them?

Choose your reward. 

When you lend a helping hand, listening ear or supportive arm. Your kindness is a gift. 

The moment you boast of it, whether consciously or unconsciously, or demand an act in exchange - it comes a transaction and you will have received your reward/payment for it.
 
That singular moment of boast and the accompanying pride you feel as you are praised for your benevolence - that bragging right - that is your reward. 

And it is no longer a kindness but a transaction. One well and fully paid for.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

040921

Breaking


Some days are difficult. So difficult you don’t even want to face them. But you have responsibilities and people who depend on you. So you pull yourself out of bed despite the pain and desolation. And you do all that needs doing even when you don’t have the energy to speak. 

Even when your heart is broken into a million little pieces at your feet. 

 Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Fall.. again and again.


You tripped. 
It hurt. 

And worst of all, you had an audience. 
And you can hear the words they are not saying every time you meet. 
Or maybe the voice only exists in your head. 

Still. 
You’ve decided to wrap it up. 
You’ve crawled back into your shell. 
You can’t do this. 
You’re done. 

What if I told you to try again?
What if I told you that tripping was always part of the learning and growing process. 
That now that you’ve tripped once, you won’t trip again on the same pebble. 

It’s what you did as a baby, wasn’t it?
You fell, got back up and tried again. 
Repeatedly. 
Until you were running around on your little feet. 
Today you don’t even consider it a feat worth celebrating.
So what makes you think the process is any different now?
You might have grown bigger but the fundamentals remain the same. 
Get up and try again. 

I’m rooting for you. 
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

.. stuck in a constant state of stage fright.

I'm excited! Don't know what it is.. But it's a nervous, buzzing kind of excitement. It's good! I don't know what happens next but let's go for it. 

It's scary. Oh Lord, I keep waking up at night scared of what's coming.. What could go wrong with every thing - and send the whole house of cards tumbling. But, it's.. *sigh!!!* 

How do I say this? It's like holding your breath. And honestly not knowing which one will be your next or if you'll even have a next. So you're enjoying this one breath that you are holding. Just pleasuring yourself with it. It's sweet, it's fragile, it's frightening. It's precious too... 

Yeah! It's all that. Just staying on the brink. The brink of something huge. It could go either way. Left or right, up or down.. Or no where at all. But loving and living the now.. The RIGHT now.. The right this second.

Yeah, that's where I am. Stuck in this constant state of stage-fright and anticipation. Just hanging in a moment outside of time.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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About awaiting answers


I used to want all the answers.You know how you’re watching a movie or reading a book and have all this knowledge and insight into everyone’s reasoning? 
I wanted that.. in real life. 
I wanted to have all the answers so I would make good choices. The ‘right’ choices. So I wouldn’t be floundering like everyone else. I would be like an overseer able to see all aspects of the situation. But I never got those perfect answers. In searching for them I learned many things. About the mind and heart of men. About the butterfly fluttering its wings in the Amazon forest right this moment. About the ripples that will follow in the fabric of space and time. 
My conclusion was a simple and modest one: I don’t have to have all the answers. I don’t have to know everything. I will never have all the answers. 

And it’s fine. I don’t need all the answers to live my truth. I will live like there are no questions. Because regret, I’ve found is a thing I despise greater than the lack of answers.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
200621 

The hearth; for those left behind


I’m only half here. And I can’t even say it. 
And they don’t see it. But I’m barely here.

Sometimes my other half wanders by. But there’s never anything here to make her stay. So she undoubtedly leaves again.

There’s only half of me here. And I’m so very exhausted having to carry all this with only half of me. But she has a gypsy’s heart. I know better than to keep her here. It would be caging her. I would be killing her. And I can’t do that to her.

So I’ll stay and leave the porch light on for her. That way she’ll always find her way home. And she’ll know, even if she doesn’t come in, that someone waits up for her every night. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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Flashbacks


i'm on my rooftop again. this place is my haven. the world disappears when i'm up here. the only thing that kept me going on my walk home was the thought of coming up here. it's just 1430 so there are cars still out there and people bustling about their business, but come up here at about 0300 and it’s dead silent. just a girl, the dark starry night and well, you know how it works.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Guardian angel?


He comes to visit me every night. 

He enters my room through the open windows on a cloud of mist and ever so quietly, he steps onto the carpeted floors of my bedroom. Quietly, he walks over to the edge of my bed and sits beside my sleeping form. 

He watches me sleep awhile and takes in the new lines on my face. Every new line, every new blemish.

Ever so gently, he brushes back a few hair strands that have escaped their hold from the pile on my head and kisses my forehead ever so dearly.

He lies next to me and holds me all through the night ever so lovingly.

He soothes me when I get restless and when I seem to be freezing, he lights me afire with only a flick of his fingers, ever so... *siiiigggh!*

Ever so wretchedly, he leaves me every morning just before my alarm goes off so I wake up with only a light sense of his presence on the fringes of my mind leaving me ever so lonely.

But ever so truly, he returns the next night. And ever so desperately I cling on to this unhealthy cycle of our relationship because while my days can be ever so stressful, I know my nights are always ever so.. Juicy! 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

A kind of love

Oh you dear one,
What do you know of love? Not that tepid insipid thing mixed with lust that walks around with the mask of love. That’s mimicry. It’s a case of stolen identity. Love should sue.

No, I am talking about burning fiery love. The one that wears a calm face but supports, builds, believes and cannot be anything else but itself. I am talking about love that craves not just this day or this night or lifetime.. I am talking about love that demands all your lifetimes in whatever form or way that you may be reborn. I am talking about love that sees in the dark and hears through silence.

I am taking about the bare surrender of the iron soldier who takes off his armour in her presence and lays his head upon her lap to rest and breathe, trusting in the hands that hold him to guide him home. I am taking about the confidence in her stance and walk as she takes on the world knowing that if she ever stumbles, she will be caught from behind before she ever hits the ground. 

Knowing that if she needs it, she has sanctuary in the heart of her soldier.
Knowing that she is the only place he can be without his army and armour and still be invincible.

Do you know anything about this love? Can you even imagine it?
Tell me truly.. Can you?

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
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