Juicy Raindrops

Life is a series of choices
In the end we are but a culmination of all the choices we have made in our lives
The little, almost insignificant ones
And the huge destiny changing ones.

She, in all her chaos, is the one I have chosen as my partner through this journey of life
She is one of my life’s greatest choices.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Title reference : Shakespeare's Sonnet 116

I hate how it feels like you’re waiting me out

Like you know I will eventually break down,
change my mind and accept your wicked proposition.

It irks me
It makes me feel like you scoff at my restraint by hovering
Like a waiting, seducing temptation

Like I am only putting on a show and

you are patiently watching for the end

Like I am a child that's being indulged

mollified, so I will not throw a tantrum.

And I am not even tempted. Not at all.

But it feels like you plan to wear me out
Like you are waiting for the loneliness to overcome me

For that one moment when I will not be able to take it anymore

For a crack to appear on the surface

So you can swoop down like the vulture that you are to ravage.

I ignore you and don’t talk to you

or answer your calls for weeks, months
My phone always on DND and yet you remain
And not in a way that I can complain about
Or get a restraining order for.

No,
You wait silently, patiently.
Because you know me so well
And you know that when pushed,

I dive head first in the other direction.
So you're not giving me a real reason to bolt.
You're just quietly undermining me.

You know me well,
And I hate you for it
I hate you for what you represent
I hate you for doubting my beliefs
I hate you for attempting to break me
I hate that you have what I need from someone that’s mine
And you are not mine
And I don't want you to be.

And yet, lately

I have begun to wonder if this is it

What if this is the best I can get?
Because it means that I will walk away from what would be the best I can get/

Now in my 30s,

I am beginning to hear that clock ticking and it scares me
Even when I don’t know its face.

I don’t want to end up alone
I don’t want to have a heart attack, alone in my home
I want to pass away while someone holds my hand
With promises to reunite on the other side
I don’t want my corpse to only be found weeks after I pass.

You tempt me with all these possibilities that you cannot even give to me

Even if I do break and allow you in.

And honestly, this is the reason why I hate you the most.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

1917261123

15.. 16.. 17
i have been counting all the breaths

i have taken since i felt the blade cut through.
one of them will be my last
i have never cherished my breaths as deeply as i do in this moment
feeling each one, savouring it..

wondering why i didn’t cherish every single one i ever took before.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0631150823

i did you wrong
i know it.

i also know that saying it was never going to work anyway,

sounds extremely patronising

because the truth is that i could have given you a chance
i could have given us a chance,

i could have tried for us,
for you

but i did not.
consciously. intentionally.

in retrospect i never saw beyond our differences
beyond all the ways in which we were unsuitable
and for that reason, i let you get as close as you did
because you were no threat to my mummified heart.
it was selfish of me
but i was curious and honestly, a little bored
and i thought it was the same for you.
i refused to believe anything else.

but then, you broke the rules and surprised me
repeatedly.
you found the gold in my eyes that i had forgotten existed
you took my hand and held on even when i tried to playfully shrug you off
you made me see myself through your eyes
and reminded me what it was like to feel wanted
chosen. seen.

you made us drive around town to find tom-tom when i had a cold
i protested, you insisted
my heartstrings twitched
awakening from their atrophied state
and the panic began to set it.

it only escalated when you convinced me

to take a bite of that forbidden fruit too.

i knew as i left you that night that it was the last time i would see you.

i did you wrong
i know it.
but then you’ve ruined tom-tom for me

it now has an extra sour flavour of guilt.

the scales have been balanced.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

1721141524

I hate open endings

even in the books I read.
Give me a conclusion goddammit

Give me some closure
Don’t leave me hanging for the rest of my life
Because I have a thing for clutching on to loose ends
The feline of my spirit reacting like a cat to a strand of yarn
Futilely holding on for dear life
Forgetting that we always, always land on our feet
Maybe not as gracefully for me
But safely, definitely.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0901160624

Rip my heart out already

so I can move on

Because I have continued to (love you and) hold on to that promise.
My heart filled with hope and belief in that future you prophesied
One where you and I would waltz once again like we did before
One, two three.. one, two three..

You told your friend to tell my friend to tell me
and somewhere along the way
the message got lost to the narrative of others.
Now I know that you should have said it to my face.
Maybe then I wouldn’t still keep these traces of you here

Make sure to rip it out in front of me and hold it in your bloody hands before my eyes
Seeing is believing, they say.
Don’t stand behind me
Don’t hide the scalpel behind your back and smile into my eyes
Don’t do anything to distract me from the beautiful horror of that moment.

How can I move on when you left me with words like “if we are meant to be..”?
My romantic heart dreamt up the rest of the story
And continued to wrap its strings around you
Hoping for a gold star for its loyalty when that time did come
and our destiny led us back into each other's arms.
That stupid, stupid ball of nerves and muscle.

I do not want this fake hope anymore

and I do not know how to shed it

so I am pleading with you to do me this one last thing..

this one mercy..

Rip my heart out.. so I can move on.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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An important part of life is the brinks
and our reaction to them.
Who we are on the brinks of our lives.

The brink of getting everything you’ve ever wanted
The brink of losing everything you’ve ever had
The brink of gaining something you want
The brink of losing someone you love
The brink of dying
The brink of recovery

The brink of shattering
The brink of flight

What choice do you make when you’re on the brink of desperation
WHO are you in that moment, that brink?

While you are standing at the brink
The edge of the everything you know and the unknown that you don’t
Always choose faith.

“Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen
Either there will be solid ground for you to walk on
Or you will be taught to fly.” - Edward Teller

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0642090923

Dear reader (if any exist at this point*),

I came on here to purge out some pain like i usually do and ended up reading many of the posts here. Sometimes reading my own poems triggers me but somehow tonight, they gave me comfort - even the really dark ones inspired by really painful memories. Fancy that?

In only days it will be the 13th year anniversary of my friend Aisha. You might remember her from here. 13 years! That means that this blog is also 13 years old now. Somehow it feels longer. I was 20 the year i started this blog and in the years between then and now i have gone through an entire universe worth of emotions. sigh. i know that doesn't sound poetically elegant but i am emotionally wrung out right now so forgive it, okay? I have written of light and dark, maybe more of the dark in recent years. But my initial promise from my very first post remains true - i only write of things i know. I have changed from girl to woman in this time and experienced the myriad of trials and emotions to comes with that. There are so many uncompleted pieces in my drafts folder that i cannot be motivated to edit and post. But each one represents a part of me, a stage, a sunflower head.

Why did i start this entry again? I think i've lost it. Ah yes, time passing and 13 years.

I survived this August without even remembering to be wary of it. As if i had already simply accepted the transformation it will bring. For someone who has always been resistant to change that it saying a lot. Time, changes, transformation...

I know it sounds like i am about to make changes to the blog again but i promise i am not. I am still satisfied with the title and look... for now. I guess i am just musing. That is all.

Happy 13th year of this journey with the Psych-ward Breakout. May the madness reign forevermore.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

*i have changed the title and URL of this blog so many times now that i will be surprised if anyone even knows it exists anymore or how to find it. unfortunately the "subscribe by mail" feature was removed by Blogger several years ago so there was no way to alert anyone of the name change and new link. But alas, this is what life is. We come into each other's lives and orbit for a reason and season. Thank you for the many years in which you kept me company, left me messages and gave a kind of meaning to my madness. Wherever you are now, I hope you are alive and well.

i vaguely realise that i am going through something right now.

it is something that yanks me out of every comfort zone i possess

and forces me to share my life with another.

against my will.

despite it being, possibly, for my own good.

down the line.

in the long run.

maybe.

but realising this does not mean that the situation is resolved.

i am still going through it. right now.

i am still reacting to it. right now.

i am still seeking comfort and finding none.

so maybe i will be fine some time in the future

and might even look back to this moment and label it an overreaction.

it is a privilege that the future version of me will possess.

the ability to not be as tied to the turbulent maelstrom of emotions within me right now.

the ability to look upon them from behind a screen,

a place of safety.

a place of knowing.

a place of having lived through this already,

through eyes of memory.

so yes,

while distantly being aware that this is just another phase

on the road of life

that i may one day not even remember clearly

even if i read this again,

right now,

right this very minute,

in this moment,

my heart is actively breaking.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

1838011024

I would like to be a wealthy woman. It would help me do the things that I want to do.

I would like to travel some. Not extensively but I would like to see the Ka’abah in this lifetime and visit the Mosque Al-Aqsa if it is meant. And Venice.. I have romanticised this city so much that it may not even live up to the one on the pedestal but still.. I would like to see it before it returns to the ocean. I wonder if the Greeks preserved the ancient grecian architecture. You know those temple-like pillars with all the pretty plaster art. i should google it. Maybe I’ll take a European tour?

I would like a life partner.. sometimes. On some of my good days. Other times I am too selfish with my time, leisure and peace of mind to share. But, on those good days I think it would be nice. A person of my own, a confidante, supporter, lover.

I would love my Cheriè. I bought a doll house for her and I have been steadily furnishing it. I don’t know how/if she will come to me. And on my not-so-good days I wonder if wanting her is an extension of my selfishness. What really can I offer her beyond my love?

These are things I want and admittedly I may have found myself waiting for at some point in my life. Some even occurred in concert. I’m impatient - it’s a flaw I’m working on tempering but I AM impatient. I don’t think I am capable of simply living a life of waiting. Waiting for him, waiting for her, waiting to see it, waiting to get it.. My Cottage is my big dream. But I realised that I couldn’t keep waiting. Working hard and hoping that someday I ‘might’ get there. Instead, I’m working on my garden. No garden space? Build custom garden beds. I get to have them and enjoy them now and when my Rabb blesses me with an actual cottage (better than my dreams I’ll bet), I’ll have all the experience and knowledge required to live the way I want to there.

This sunflower flower head is enjoying her life and learning to plant her own food, make glass craft, sculpt clay and carve wood - accumulating skills - just imagine all the things the next bud will be capable of!

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0912121022

Barely blossomed.

This is how I used to think of myself. As something that was in a state of growth. Not there yet. Constantly.

It took years for me to change that thought process. Not because there was anything wrong about it but because it didn’t accurately define me. Not completely; because I simply chose to stop waiting for an indefinite time when I will bloom. That thought process had so many limitations. Does that mean that afterwards I would then wilt and that would be the end of me? Would I have even lived? What if this magical moment doesn’t come? What if someone plucks me and stomps on me for their own vanity while I’m still waiting?

The first time I grew sunflowers I realised that I was more like them. That I was in a constant state of growth, yes - but also that every stage I found myself in at any given point - is a bloom. The lessons I learned about grief and loss this year are already forming a new bud which will grow on the back of the current bloom that I am. And as this bloom that I am completes its lifecycle, another bloom will open with another Jas that’s just a little better than the last one. I am in a constant state of metamorphosis like the sunflower. Always growing on my experiences. I dare to live that way and each bloom is just a little braver, stronger and kinder than the last one.

A different bloom for a different part of me. Sometimes an experience teaches me about loss and patience simultaneously. Sometimes I could be experiencing two different situations at once - one good, one bad - and both are influencing me and changing me as I experience them. It’s like two sunflower heads budding simultaneously. And the next bud that will grow after their lives have ended, will carry their experiences and forge ahead. There is only continuous growth. A network of lifetimes lived at every stage.

When my life reaches its inevitable end, at whatever point. I would have lived several lifetimes instead of stagnantly waiting for an unknown factor. A spouse, money, a child or even an opportunity. This is the way I choose to live.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0903101222

That last little crumble of you faded today
I felt it leave
I even waved it goodbye
Like that old blue T-shirt
Faded from too many washes
Faded from too much wears
I gave it away on my own
It didn’t need to be taken from me
I knew when it was time to let go
It is time now
I am not waiting for you anymore.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

I disconnected completely from my old life
I collected the shards and pieces of my broken heart

I took all that pain and mess and became an alchemist.

I turned it all into fuel

Fuel that powered my art and ambitions
And it burned for many years
But now it is all burned out
I am not broken-hearted anymore
but I am shut down tighter than Fort Knox
No more inflow of pain
No more fuel
I’m all burned out
So I can not focus
I can not even live right
What I’ve felt was missing lately
It was the pain
It was my motivation
Now that it is all gone
I do not know what to do
Because this was what I had to become to cope
My bodily functions are now powered by this particular brand of fuel

And I’m all out of it

I didn’t develop in the conventional way

I used a dark force to build my empire

And now that i have run out of it,

I don’t know how to maintain what i have built
I don’t know what other people use
And even if I did, my body would just reject it as unsuitable

It has been many years now

And i have come so far like this

How am i supposed to go on now?

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Someone asked me about you today

A new friend
Well not about you in particular
She asked about my heart
And when last I had given it away
So I told her about you
She replied almost immediately
She said you didn’t count because it had been so long ago
Because we had been so long ago.

I replied to her that in that case

I had never given my heart out then

and the conversation continued until it changed to something else
She dismissed you as nothing but a teen fling
She dismissed everything that we were and had been
so thoroughly, so swiftly
That she didn’t even bother asking your name
And it occurred to me that it really has been a long time.

13 years.. of course she’d discount you
What care she that I tremble still
What care she that I have to take a deep fortifying breath
What care she that my dreams are still haunted.

No longer, are you worthy of being even a ghost
Now, you are a blip in the past
A youthful folly
And somehow that is even worse.
Because according to all their books
You don’t matter anymore.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So why do you still?

0305240323
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

She looks at the stars and I look at her.

This is how it has always been and I fear that this is how it will always be.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

I sit and I wonder of the flavours of the universe
Of the things we have discovered and the things that remain a mystery to us.
Of the things discovered, I am immensely grateful for you.

J: don’t you think that’s a little too much praise for me?
M: You? For you? This isn’t about you. It is about the son of the bean… paired with this awesome-sauce garlic and onion infused oil.

0511130323
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

There is a northern Nigerian dish called “Dan wake”. It is sort of like dumplings made with bean flour, augmented with other flours (usually yam) and baobab leaf powder. It is usually enjoyed with oil, onions, tomatoes, salt and pepper. The literal translation of the word “Dan wake” is “Son of the bean”.

What i have done here is called SANTI in Hausa. It is an appreciation for food so good, it inspired poetry.

Anything that’s better than nothing is not insignificant.
Never scoff at progress. No matter how small.
Consistency is what wins the race, not speed.

0752 200623
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Things that cannot be measured in absolutes cannot be deemed fake.

Wellbeing is subjective and relative.

I can still technically have flu but feel better after aromatherapeutic steaming.

It is not ‘fake’ health or recovery just because it is temporary.

I feel better than I did before.

Subjective AND relative.

0615-150823
Juicy Raindrops! ♡
_
Inspired by a pretty awful case of the flu - which may or may not have been covid.

This is why one shouldn’t complain
Especially not about good things.

I complained about a lack of fuel.
The pain that fuels my work and creativity
I complained that I had healed and lacked fuel.

Well the heavens heard my cry
And promptly fulfilled my wish

Now I am filled to the brim with an abundance of fuel.

Yay me.

Yes - I will bleed constantly, but I will make art.

After all, it is required for a beautiful pie-ce.

1819100523
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

I know you are in pain.
I know you are not content.
I know that she is not the easiest person to live with.
I know it is well within your rights.
But..

But I CANNOT HELP THE WAY I FEEL!!!

And what I feel is that
you want to make a new family that will satisfy you better.
You are risking what we already have,
held together by bandages that it is,
for a gamble.

There is no way that this decision will FIX us
so this isn’t to FIX what we have
it is to give yourself an escape.
Another option.
Another go at it.
Something shiny, new and better.

I feel awful even thinking it.
Call me selfish, call me immature,
call me whatever you want
- but I have to get it out
or I will not be able to stop crying my heart out right now.

All I can hear is that you have given up on this family. On us.
Will it truly make you happy Baba?
Will burning down the house we already have make you happy?
Will it take the pain away?
Will a new family be what it takes to make you content now?

If it truly will,

I will find it in myself not to resent you for giving up on us

But not now... not today.

1712100523
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Juicy Raindrops

The ever-fixed mark

wicked proposition

last breath

summer fling

closure

Rip my heart out already!

The brink of faith

Happy 13th!

breaking in the moment

Dreams & Confessions

Bloom like sunflowers 🌻

No more

The alchemist

Still

Oblivious

The son of the bean

Progress over speed

Relative wellness

Be careful what you wish for..

is this what it takes?

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