Juicy Raindrops

Dear reader (if any exist at this point*),

I came on here to purge out some pain like i usually do and ended up reading many of the posts here. Sometimes reading my own poems triggers me but somehow tonight, they gave me comfort - even the really dark ones inspired by really painful memories. Fancy that?

In only days it will be the 13th year anniversary of my friend Aisha. You might remember her from here. 13 years! That means that this blog is also 13 years old now. Somehow it feels longer. I was 20 the year i started this blog and in the years between then and now i have gone through an entire universe worth of emotions. sigh. i know that doesn't sound poetically elegant but i am emotionally wrung out right now so forgive it, okay? I have written of light and dark, maybe more of the dark in recent years. But my initial promise from my very first post remains true - i only write of things i know. I have changed from girl to woman in this time and experienced the myriad of trials and emotions to comes with that. There are so many uncompleted pieces in my drafts folder that i cannot be motivated to edit and post. But each one represents a part of me, a stage, a sunflower head.

Why did i start this entry again? I think i've lost it. Ah yes, time passing and 13 years.

I survived this August without even remembering to be wary of it. As if i had already simply accepted the transformation it will bring. For someone who has always been resistant to change that it saying a lot. Time, changes, transformation...

I know it sounds like i am about to make changes to the blog again but i promise i am not. I am still satisfied with the title and look... for now. I guess i am just musing. That is all.

Happy 13th year of this journey with the Psych-ward Breakout. May the madness reign forevermore.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

*i have changed the title and URL of this blog so many times now that i will be surprised if anyone even knows it exists anymore or how to find it. unfortunately the "subscribe by mail" feature was removed by Blogger several years ago so there was no way to alert anyone of the name change and new link. But alas, this is what life is. We come into each other's lives and orbit for a reason and season. Thank you for the many years in which you kept me company, left me messages and gave a kind of meaning to my madness. Wherever you are now, I hope you are alive and well.

i vaguely realise that i am going through something right now.

it is something that yanks me out of every comfort zone i possess

and forces me to share my life with another.

against my will.

despite it being, possibly, for my own good.

down the line.

in the long run.

maybe.

but realising this does not mean that the situation is resolved.

i am still going through it. right now.

i am still reacting to it. right now.

i am still seeking comfort and finding none.

so maybe i will be fine some time in the future

and might even look back to this moment and label it an overreaction.

it is a privilege that the future version of me will possess.

the ability to not be as tied to the turbulent maelstrom of emotions within me right now.

the ability to look upon them from behind a screen,

a place of safety.

a place of knowing.

a place of having lived through this already,

through eyes of memory.

so yes,

while distantly being aware that this is just another phase

on the road of life

that i may one day not even remember clearly

even if i read this again,

right now,

right this very minute,

in this moment,

my heart is actively breaking.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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I would like to be a wealthy woman. It would help me do the things that I want to do.

I would like to travel some. Not extensively but I would like to see the Ka’abah in this lifetime and visit the Mosque Al-Aqsa if it is meant. And Venice.. I have romanticised this city so much that it may not even live up to the one on the pedestal but still.. I would like to see it before it returns to the ocean. I wonder if the Greeks preserved the ancient grecian architecture. You know those temple-like pillars with all the pretty plaster art. i should google it. Maybe I’ll take a European tour?

I would like a life partner.. sometimes. On some of my good days. Other times I am too selfish with my time, leisure and peace of mind to share. But, on those good days I think it would be nice. A person of my own, a confidante, supporter, lover.

I would love my Cheriè. I bought a doll house for her and I have been steadily furnishing it. I don’t know how/if she will come to me. And on my not-so-good days I wonder if wanting her is an extension of my selfishness. What really can I offer her beyond my love?

These are things I want and admittedly I may have found myself waiting for at some point in my life. Some even occurred in concert. I’m impatient - it’s a flaw I’m working on tempering but I AM impatient. I don’t think I am capable of simply living a life of waiting. Waiting for him, waiting for her, waiting to see it, waiting to get it.. My Cottage is my big dream. But I realised that I couldn’t keep waiting. Working hard and hoping that someday I ‘might’ get there. Instead, I’m working on my garden. No garden space? Build custom garden beds. I get to have them and enjoy them now and when my Rabb blesses me with an actual cottage (better than my dreams I’ll bet), I’ll have all the experience and knowledge required to live the way I want to there.

This sunflower flower head is enjoying her life and learning to plant her own food, make glass craft, sculpt clay and carve wood - accumulating skills - just imagine all the things the next bud will be capable of!

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Barely blossomed.

This is how I used to think of myself. As something that was in a state of growth. Not there yet. Constantly.

It took years for me to change that thought process. Not because there was anything wrong about it but because it didn’t accurately define me. Not completely; because I simply chose to stop waiting for an indefinite time when I will bloom. That thought process had so many limitations. Does that mean that afterwards I would then wilt and that would be the end of me? Would I have even lived? What if this magical moment doesn’t come? What if someone plucks me and stomps on me for their own vanity while I’m still waiting?

The first time I grew sunflowers I realised that I was more like them. That I was in a constant state of growth, yes - but also that every stage I found myself in at any given point is a bloom. The lessons I learned about grief and loss this year are already forming a new bud which will grow on the back of the current bloom that I am. And as this bloom that I am completes its lifecycle, another bloom will open with another Jas that’s just a little better than the last one. I am in a constant state of metamorphosis like the sunflower. Always growing on my experiences. I dare to live that way and each bloom is just a little braver, stronger and kinder than the last one.

A different bloom for a different part of me. Sometimes an experience teaches me about loss and patience simultaneously. Sometimes I could be experiencing two different situations at once - one good, one bad - and both are influencing me and changing me as I experience them. It’s like two sunflower heads budding simultaneously. And the next bud that will grow after their lives have ended, will carry their experiences and forge ahead. There is only continuous growth. A network of lifetimes lived at every stage.
When my life reaches its inevitable end, at whatever point. I would have lived several lifetimes instead of stagnantly waiting for an unknown factor. A spouse, money, a child or even an opportunity. This is the way I choose to live.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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That last little crumble of you faded today
I felt it leave
I even waved it goodbye
Like that old blue T-shirt
Faded from too many washes
Faded from too much wears
I gave it away on my own
It didn’t need to be taken from me
I knew when it was time to let go
It is time now
I am not waiting for you anymore.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

I disconnected completely from my old life
I collected the shards and pieces of my broken heart

I took all that pain and mess and became an alchemist.

I turned it all into fuel

Fuel that powered my art and ambitions
And it burned for many years
But now it is all burned out
I am not broken-hearted anymore
but I am shut down tighter than Fort Knox
No more inflow of pain
No more fuel
I’m all burned out
So I can not focus
I can not even live right
What I’ve felt was missing lately
It was the pain
It was my motivation
Now that it is all gone
I do not know what to do
Because this was what I had to become to cope
My bodily functions are now powered by this particular brand of fuel

And I’m all out of it

I didn’t develop in the conventional way

I used a dark force to build my empire

And now that i have run out of it,

I don’t know how to maintain what i have built
I don’t know what other people use
And even if I did, my body would just reject it as unsuitable

It has been many years now

And i have come so far like this

How am i supposed to go on now?

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Someone asked me about you today

A new friend
Well not about you in particular
She asked about my heart
And when last I had given it away
So I told her about you
She replied almost immediately
She said you didn’t count because it had been so long ago
Because we had been so long ago.

I replied to her that in that case

I had never given my heart out then

and the conversation continued until it changed to something else
She dismissed you as nothing but a teen fling
She dismissed everything that we were and had been
so thoroughly, so swiftly
That she didn’t even bother asking your name
And it occurred to me that it really has been a long time.

13 years.. of course she’d discount you
What care she that I tremble still
What care she that I have to take a deep fortifying breath
What care she that my dreams are still haunted.

No longer, are you worthy of being even a ghost
Now, you are a blip in the past
A youthful folly
And somehow that is even worse.
Because according to all their books
You don’t matter anymore.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So why do you still?

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

She looks at the stars and I look at her.

This is how it has always been and I fear that this is how it will always be.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

I sit and I wonder of the flavours of the universe
Of the things we have discovered and the things that remain a mystery to us.
Of the things discovered, I am immensely grateful for you.

J: don’t you think that’s a little too much praise for me?
M: You? For you? This isn’t about you. It is about the son of the bean… paired with this awesome-sauce garlic and onion infused oil.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

There is a northern Nigerian dish called “Dan wake”. It is sort of like dumplings made with bean flour, augmented with other flours (usually yam) and baobab leaf powder. It is usually enjoyed with oil, onions, tomatoes, salt and pepper. The literal translation of the word “Dan wake” is “Son of the bean”.

What i have done here is called SANTI in Hausa. It is an appreciation for food so good, it inspired poetry.

Anything that’s better than nothing is not insignificant.
Never scoff at progress. No matter how small.
Consistency is what wins the race, not speed.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Things that cannot be measured in absolutes cannot be deemed fake.

Wellbeing is subjective and relative.

I can still technically have flu but feel better after aromatherapeutic steaming.

It is not ‘fake’ health or recovery just because it is temporary.

I feel better than I did before.

Subjective AND relative.

0615-150823
Juicy Raindrops! ♡
_
Inspired by a pretty awful case of the flu - which may or may not have been covid.

This is why one shouldn’t complain
Especially not about good things.

I complained about a lack of fuel.
The pain that fuels my work and creativity
I complained that I had healed and lacked fuel.

Well the heavens heard my cry
And promptly fulfilled my wish

Now I am filled to the brim with an abundance of fuel.

Yay me.

Yes - I will bleed constantly, but I will make art.

After all, it is required for a beautiful pie-ce.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

I know you are in pain.
I know you are not content.
I know that she is not the easiest person to live with.
I know it is well within your rights.
But..

But I CANNOT HELP THE WAY I FEEL!!!

And what I feel is that
you want to make a new family that will satisfy you better.
You are risking what we already have,
held together by bandages that it is,
for a gamble.

There is no way that this decision will FIX us
so this isn’t to FIX what we have
it is to give yourself an escape.
Another option.
Another go at it.
Something shiny, new and better.

I feel awful even thinking it.
Call me selfish, call me immature,
call me whatever you want
- but I have to get it out
or I will not be able to stop crying my heart out right now.

All I can hear is that you have given up on this family. On us.
Will it truly make you happy Baba?
Will burning down the house we already have make you happy?
Will it take the pain away?
Will a new family be what it takes to make you content now?

If it truly will,

I will find it in myself not to resent you for giving up on us

But not now... not today.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

You know,

I really don’t like delayed reactions.
Sometimes the opportunity for some badass, epic comebacks is lost.
Other times you will be making your bed on a Wednesday afternoon
After forcefully pulling yourself out of it
and suddenly end up in a puddle on the floor
drowning in a pool of your own tears like Little Alice.

I thought I was fine.
I really did.
When she told me, i thought I was fine.
For days.
Almost an entire week.

And then today I broke down without warning.

I should have known.
My vague reaction to such shocking news should have been a warning.
I should be able to recognise the signs by now.
Fully immersing myself in the fictional, magical world of books
Unwilling to leave my bed for days
Craving connection and yet denying myself,
Being overly bright and compensating when in company..

My mind was protecting me from the harsher emotions as usual.
Letting me feel them in small increments over time
so it doesn’t overload, short-circuit and crash.
So my heart doesn’t cease beating in shock.

So I don’t end up clutching my blanket on the floor
barely able to take a full breath through rapid gasps
barely able to type through my tears.

1712100523
Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Do not shy away from pain or turmoil.

I know we’ve been conditioned to hide. To fake it. To put a brave face on it.

To pretend that we have it all figured out and we are perfectly in control.

So much that it becomes paranoia.

Am I saying that you have to publicly share your troubles? No I am not.

What I am trying to talk about is denial.

And the pursuit of contemporary/perceived perfection.

Just live your best life.
For you.
That is all.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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I have been on a KDrama spree on Netflix. All the great love stories - Ashes of love, Eternal love, Rise of phoenixes - and the newer ones like ‘Love between fairy and demon’ etc.

And each time, in each one, there is a point where the two are separated by death after some huge misunderstanding that has kept them apart has been cleared and they were finally together. Then death comes and what should have been the beginning of their happily ever after is ruined. (Until the miraculous rebirth of course).

This separation and wait is supposedly a test of time and true affection. I watch the person who is left behind waiting, sometimes I even share their grief and tears with them and I ask myself out loud:

People actually WANT this? Crave this? Why, for the love of all that is holy, would you want to carry such a heavy burden willingly? Or is it that they are already trapped in it and now there is no other way?

But then, those who aren’t in it.. we who have been in it and know its cruel sting.. why do we want to go back? Are we just all huge masochists hiding our depravity behind the veneer of love?

Is love just a concept after all, an abstract idea that we have created to explain away our secret desire for self harm? And is this auto-injury an inherent trait or a learned one, do you think?

Is love nature or nurture?

1752191022

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

They say the moon doesn’t shine
That it simply mooches off the light of the sun.

Yet despite all the twinkling, shiny stars in the dark sky on this eerie night
the only thing I can see is the moon.

Borrowed light it may be,

but it is what guides the path before me in this new and strange world.

And for me, that is enough.

061122 2213

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

He could shout and scream until dusk

Until his throat is sore and his voice hoarse

but it won’t reach her anymore than it would have

had he softly whispered the words directly into her ears.

She only understands French and he is calling out to her in Mandarin.
Even a child can see the obstacle here.

Just because it is spoken louder,

doesn't make the message any clearer

- not when the language is wrong.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

(About love languages and how we must learn to speak to our loved ones in ways which they can actually hear).

I know this feeling
I remember it from before and recognise it for what it is
It is my heart giving away little bits of itself at a time to another that does not exist within it.
Without my permission, without my consent.

As if I would let it continue.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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I have already come too far
I have not only drunk the kool-aid

I have bathed in it

So it is too late for me
There is only one path before me and
The only way is through

I can’t go back
I don’t want to go back
I have already come so far
I am in way too deep

Even risking a single glance backwards

will open portals to worlds of regret
And I have given up too much
Risked too much

Sacrificed too much
Lost too much on this path of mine
For this belief I hold so tight
That I cannot even entertain the possibility of an alternative

If I didn’t back then -
Even when it was difficult
Even when I didn’t fully understand it
Even when it just was a small feeling in my gut

- Back when it would have made a difference

But I held on tightly
And let go even as I felt my soul split and crack
Even as my heart soundlessly shattered

I can’t go back
I don’t want to go back
I have already come so far
I am in way too deep

There is only one path before me and
The only way is through.

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Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Juicy Raindrops

Happy 13th!

breaking in the moment

Dreams & Confessions

Bloom like sunflowers 🌻

No more

The alchemist

Still

Oblivious

The son of the bean

Progress over speed

Relative wellness

Be careful what you wish for..

is this what it takes?

Delayed reaction

Live for you

Nature vs Nurture

Borrowed light

The language of love

Begin again

The only way

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