Night,

JM conversations

December 21, 2020 J. 0 Comments

She said:
If you decide that you want to sleep in tomorrow, it’s okay. Even with your deadlines. If you decide that you would rather garden than go for this week’s team meeting, that’s fine too. And if you decide that you want to have pot noddles at 2am, I will help you cook it.

Me: 
Are you trying to trick me here? Reverse phycology maybe? Or trying to guilt me?

Her:
No. I am trying to show you how you should be loved and how you should love yourself. If you need to take a breather - do it. Your heart has never responded well to captivity and shackles. And without your heart, you are barely here.

My legs shook.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡


0 comments:

Day,

O deluded one!

December 18, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I read somewhere recently (or i might have heard it on TV actually) that people who have trouble letting go are those who refuse to accept reality. I translated that to mean that people like that are simply deluded.

I consider myself a realist.. but, if my brief history is to be considered, maybe that belief is just another delusion. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
1346/031220

0 comments:

Night,

Alas a hurricane cometh

December 15, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I both love and hate things that pull emotions out of me. Especially emotions that i am not quite ready to face or deal with yet. 
I was doing well. Waking up early, working on my art and feeling my body get stronger, leaner and healthier than the mess i had made of it. But I’ve lost it. Again. And all the progress i might have made. And I’m having trouble accessing that frame of mind again.

I am fighting what feels like a shut down. I feel like a trial is coming up ahead and I don’t know how i am going to deal with it. I am not ready for whatever it is. But i am powerless to stop or prevent it. And i do not know how to prepare for it either.

Is this how Dorothy felt watching the hurricane come and getting caught in it? Helpless and afraid and just hoping to find solid ground under her feet again? But when her feet finally reconnected with the earth, it wasn’t in a land she knew at all. It was a foreign place with her house in shambles, a witch was out to get her and she had no way to make it back home.

1727/051220


Juicy Raindrops! ♡


0 comments:

Night,

Late night confession

December 10, 2020 J. 0 Comments


I don’t usually make the popular decision. Or the easy one. But I always know that it’s the right one. Even when I don’t like it. Even when it leads to moments like these when I am scrolling through my phone looking for who to call. I know who I want to talk to and therefore no body else will do. 

But I am still scrolling.  

You see, this is what I meant when I told you that I had to learn to live without you before you left. Because I know myself more than you ever will. And I know that you mean enough that your absence will leave a space. A space that will be felt. Because I am a feeler, I’ll feel it more than most. Yes, more than even you. No matter that you think your feelings are greater than mine now. I just listen to you and I smile inside. Like I said, I know me more than you. 

And now here I am. 

Watching the rain and missing you. I know you probably hate me now and I can live with that. I know you’d hate me more for that... and I can live with that too. I know I broke your heart. But there was never any chance of a future for us and you know that as well as I do. And I have played these games before and I don’t give my heart anymore. 

You think now that our time together were the best days of your life but you’re young. And you’ll see a hundred better days. So don’t glorify those days or put them on a pedestal. You’ll only smear this new beginning of yours. 
Don’t remember me. 
Live your life.
Be happy.
 
Don’t remember me at all.
Because Lord knows if i could, I wouldn’t remember you either. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
For Abe 
2049/290620

0 comments:

Day,

Reflections: Happy Anniversary

December 07, 2020 J. 0 Comments


It’s officially been 10 years since we went our separate ways.

It feels .. not quite like yesterday but like a couple of weeks ago.
Feels more like 2 weeks ago than 520 weeks.
That’s how much the pain we inflicted has kept me in the past.
I became more cautious and deliberate  
I looked before I leaped and most times I didn’t leap at all

It’s not all you. But it started with you.

They asked me if I loved you. And I lied.
Consistently.
That I did when I wasn’t sure and that I didn’t when I did.
And here we are now.

I swear to myself that I am not waiting for you still.
And I pray in my heart that you don’t make a liar of me again.

1 decade
10 years
520 weeks
3,653 days
87,672 hours
5,260,320 minutes
315,619,200 seconds

Such huge numbers, yeah?
Such a very long time
Too long to be hung up on the same boy.
So this is the last one.
Officially.

Good bye Ray.
I will never write of you again.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
2331/311020

0 comments:

Day,

Reflections: Jewels in my treasure box

December 05, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I have realised one fundamental way in which i am different from the versions that came before. This vessel has always valued and glorified relationships. If you’ve been here long enough, you might have seen me refer to them as the jewels in my treasure box. Whenever I look through my scrap/slum books made in elementary and high schools, it shows. I collected poems about friendship and wrote so many myself.

But the woman i am today.. well, she isn’t as invested. She is able to end relationships in an instant and while i knew it was so, i didn’t fully understand how i had become that way.
I was contacted by Lola. Again, if you’ve been here long enough then this is not a name that’s unfamiliar to you. She was my best friend growing up but we grew apart after Uni when life really began. And while we were chatting I couldn’t help but think of a time when i would have given up an arm for her. And in that moment I realised what had happened to me. 

I formed attachments. Deep ones. And in my mind, they were forever. “If i love you today, then i will love you forever” I’ve written that several times before because it was simply how my heart and mind worked. It made letting go of bounds i had already formed nigh impossible. What I couldn’t understand after a while was why it seemed like I was the only one who felt and thought that way. I watched my jewels - one after another - make conscious decisions that jeopardised our relationship. It started with Kaku - and you know the rest. I didn’t understand because any decision that jeopardised our relationship was never an option for me. It felt like i was only convenient for a time and once a more tempting offer came along, i was left with the broken strings and questions i would never really get answers to. They left gashes on my heart - especially those first two. But then i began to learn.

Systematically i stopped believing in those words spoken by the tongues of men and women. “Always”, “Forever”, “Mine” - I realised that belief it those words was what had gotten me into trouble in the first place. All those nights I stayed up questioning my sanity and loveability - “Why do people leave me? Was it me?” - Closure I never got and the particularly vicious ones leaving me with open ended phrases like “If we are meant to be..” further tying me down with brutal invisible chains because, of course, I believed we were - so i would wait. It was perhaps a trial and testament of my love. All the great love stories have them. Separated for millennia and finally reunited till the end. So i would bear this. Can you tell that i had such an unfortunate hopelessly romantic heart?

Lola and i used to celebrate every single anniversary every year. Counting up to the day we would celebrate 10 years of friendship. We stopped embodying that word a year before the year we had so anxiously awaited. On the flip side, Baa and i don’t have an anniversary - yet Facebook alerted me that we had been friends for 10 years last month. I honestly didn’t know that we had known each other that long. But this makes my point too.

Today, I don’t go into relationships expecting them to last beyond a season.. or the very next day. I simply believe in enjoying what we have here and now, and parting when the time comes with no bitterness or resentment. We humans are ephemeral creatures after all - it makes sense that any bonds we form be the same as well.

I can’t believe it took me almost 30 years to figure that simple fact out.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡
0634/211120

0 comments:

Day,

The day it began: The Vessel.

December 01, 2020 J. 0 Comments


These days i am always up for the sunrise
As light overtakes the night, i am awake to feel the energies change
To watch the ghouls scamper for cover from the blazing light of the sun
I used to be like them too
Afraid of the new day, afraid of the light
Afraid of what it will reveal
But now, i willingly go to it.
I wake up early, have a cup of tea and water my plants.
It’s become a kind of routine for me.
With the world (and house) still quiet, 
I can pretend that there’s only just me
And sometimes i can even hear myself think again.

As the sun rose again today
I laid in bed, wrapped under the covers
Once more part of the other world and despising the sun 
Not only for rising but for rising so very bright.
It was in this moment that I finally understood the two women inside of me.
You see I have been wondering a lot these days
Am i Jas of the light pretending to be Marie of the dark?
Or am I Marie of the dark, pretending to be Jas of the light?
It turns out that i am neither.

Jas was never of the light.
She is the quiet dark in me.
She is muted and she is guarded
She is almost without mass.
I craved her elegance and serenity.
Her levelheadedness and quiet resilience.
I have always felt her in there
Sometimes she invades my dreams too
At some marked points in my life i feel her presence stronger than others
Mostly in moments of great pain, shame and disappointment.
It made me believe that as a survival instinct, 
I would eventually become her full time
And this both pleased and scared me simultaneously
Because what then would happen to Marie?
Jas can be cold and unfeeling, 
completely detached from things and people.
But somehow i think she might feel things even deeper than Marie.

Marie is of the light.
She is who i default back to when i am not thinking.
So she is a greater part of my inborn personality
She is loudly-happy, boisterous and she takes up room
She carries her heart on her sleeve and in her eyes
Her energies seep out of her every pore.
She also turns vicious when triggered
She is confrontational and short-fused.
She feels everything strongly and wildly
She feels like a bomb waiting to go off sometimes.
She doesn’t always say the right thing 
because she can be terribly honest and oblivious
Which really can come across as her being self centred
But not because she is being intentionally selfish or conceited
She’s just 100% into what she’s doing and following her joys.
Her light can create a shadow sometimes
As bright light is wont to do 
and other times it simply spreads more light to dark places.

I understand the two better now.
Dark is not evil, light is not divinity
One is not better than the other,
One is not the opposite of the other.
They are two facets that are all me
One is gained of birth
One is gained from nurture 
Together, they are Jasmine Marie - the vessel.

I am supposed to make them one, 
in concert and not opposing forces.
I should use the calm self-control and restraint of Jas 
to keep my chakra and energies inside and balanced
She will be the forcefield around me as i interact with the world
Yet i should be able to create a concentrated firelight in my palm 
and pour it into my heart’s passions and other creatures 
without burning them to a crisp.
 
Jas is protection.
Marie is sanity.
Both of them are me.

Knowing this now, I hope to live better. 



Juicy Raindrops! ♡
021120

0 comments:

Day,

Dawn

November 27, 2020 J. 0 Comments

And for the first time I had the thought. 

What if I am not really two women? 
What if there’s just me.. and the woman I think I should be?

But which one is which? 
Which one is me? 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Experiences,

black noodles

November 25, 2020 J. 0 Comments


they had begun to worry and it showed
and i even felt a little guilty 
so I made an effort.
i even went out for dinner so they wouldn’t be alone
and i provided the entertainment again - as usual.
i played my role, did my part.
and as soon as she got the chance, she made me regret it.
twice, in one night.
so i am accepting my mugun hali
her september gift to me this year 
i will learn to say “NO”
even if i have to cut off my tongue to get the words through my pearly gates
but they will be spoken
and finally, 
finally, i will have peace.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
091120

0 comments:

Day,

While we are here

November 22, 2020 J. 0 Comments


When two people are together 
Or have an opportunity to be together
Take it now.
Grab it with both hands and head for the docks
Sail on seas that will take you to your utopia and revel in it.
While you can.
But if you make the decision to walk away from it
No matter what your noble intentions are
Then don’t cry to me when the opportunity never presents itself again.

I was lied to before with words of destiny
And my hungry craving heart believed it even as it agonised 
Even as it bled.
The lie was the lullaby that put me to sleep
I held it close and cuddled with it every time the ghouls came out
Every time I was lonely, heartbroken and in pain 
Even when I began to recognise it for the lie it was
I held it still and let it soothe me with its false promises of someday
Until it got all worn down and tattered.
Or maybe i did.

Years went by
Years in which he found his mate
Got married and became a father.
With each great, jubilant achievement 
I wondered how then I would fit into the picture in this fantastical future
Until one day I looked at the portrait
I mean really looked at it 
Without the rose coloured lens of the lie
And realised a horrible truth;
There was no place for me in it at all
I don’t belong in this story. 
Not even as an extra or a footnote.

I stood there 
with not even crumbs to save or ashes to bury
Nothing.
As if it had never been.
It was gone, vanished - just like that
After romancing me with its lying tongue for years
It had simply left me standing out in the cold.
Years that had passed me by
Years I will never again get back.
All gone with the wind.

So no, don’t tell me about the destiny of patient love
I have no want or tolerance for it.
I believe in the here, now
This moment, this second.
So I will kiss you with wild abandon.
And run away with you on those high and turbulent seas
And I will believe you today when you tell me 
That I am your fate
That you will love me always 
I will believe you today, right here and now
In this moment, this second
While we’re here
While we can.

Tomorrow; any fated love of the future can sort itself out then.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

0429/031020

November 21, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I watched “The age of innocence” today.
I’m still not sure how i feel about it. Maybe it’s because I see life through the lessons of my own life.. but I don’t believe in that “if it’s meant to be” nonsense.

On the plus side it inspired a few pieces. Watch this space. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡
0429/031020

0 comments:

My head is a jumble

October 22, 2020 J. 0 Comments

You know when you know there are words you need to write? You can feel them rolling around inside your head. But then you pick up a pen or turn on the screen and - poof - you can’t find them again. And as long as you don’t put them down, you won’t be able to make heads or tails of it.

This is me right now.
I’ll return when I’ve sorted it out.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Night,

The Two Women ~ MJ

October 18, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I know what you want from me
but I can not give you what you want
I can not promise you forever 
You see there are two women in me and 
right now I don’t know which one loves you.

One woman falls in love hard, fast and wild
She is a hopeless romantic and she is fickle
She is highly capricious and eccentric
She could fall out of love with you tomorrow
just as quickly as she fell in love with you today 
And she will leave.
Do not doubt that for a second.
She was born with the heart of a gypsy 
and changes with the phases of the moon.
That is who she is.
And if you truly loved her, 
you would let her go when the time came.
Because you would understand that living any other way
would only extinguish her flame and spirit.
You will come to resent her for being who she is.
And she will let you because even out of love, she loves.
Again, that is who she is.

The other woman will resist love to her last
She falls in love slowly and with great reluctance 
Love will have to sneak up on her 
because she will run a mile if she saw it coming,
She is not particularly romantic 
but if she loves you today,
She will love you forever.
Her heart will bind itself to you through any and all situations
Even when you leave her alone.
She is steadfast, patient and loyal 
So she will stay, like the stars always remain
even when you can not see them during the day.
Her love for you will bind her completely 
Irrespective of her own wishes.
She will lose herself in being with you
You will repay her devotion with disdain
And she will bleed constantly from your carelessness.

So you see, I can not promise you forever.
Because either the first woman loves you 
And you will hate her tomorrow.
Or the second woman loves you
And you will ruin her in time.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Day,

Where the power lies

October 17, 2020 J. 0 Comments

Writing about the 1000 things that makes you happy is easy.
Writing about that one bad day in a month builds resistance
And then you start to panic, trying to keep it under wraps
And the more you hide it, the stronger it gets
The more you fight it, the stronger it gets,
And the stronger it gets, the more it agitates you.
And isolates you.
It’s emotional blackmail.

But 

You write about it and put it out there before it can grow
And you take away its power.
You wake up the next day, 
lighter than you would have if you still carried the weight of that burden.
Some burdens though you can’t completely shrug off like that.
Those are burdens of circumstance.
Like the loss of a loved one, lost job or debt.
But part of the process remains the same - 
Take away its power.
Find home in acceptance.
Find peace within yourself 
It will ground and centre you

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Experiences

Dear 19

October 11, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I write about my pain because it is relief.
Simple.

But also.

I write about my hard times because 
of that 19 year old in my DM 
who says she wants to be like me when she grows up.
While I am flattered I cannot help but worry for her.
Because I’ve had to live through some really painful moments 
And sometimes, I relive them again in waking dreams just for kicks.

She is so young and untouched
I hope she doesn’t just see my art and garden and think me a perfect model.
I hope she sees all sides 
I hope she knows that there are rough days
I hope she knows that days could be months
And months could be years.
I hope she believes that she will survive.
I hope she survives.
I don’t know what her trials will be.
So I want her to know so she is prepared 
And not rudely awakened.
I hope she learns how to handle hard emotions 
I hope she knows that it’s okay to have hard emotions
I hope she finds her outlet.
I hope she finds her light
I hope learns how to keep her light
I hope she learns to share that light.

Dear 19, this is for you.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Day,

Night to Day.

October 08, 2020 J. 0 Comments

They left me in the night and thought that they could scare me with the moon.
They didn't know that the moon and i were one and the same.

I walked into the day and saw the sun for the first time
It blinded me, but it gave me warmth
So i stayed a while.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Night,

I come bearing baggage

September 30, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I’ve realised something about myself.

I have had to let go of loves that i thought would always be mine. Not because I wanted to but because when it happened, it did so without my consent. No one asked for my permission. I realised that it wasn’t my decision as to whether they stayed or left. It was theirs. They decided - not me.
It happened once. Twice. Thrice. 
And baggage was formed.

 Systematically i learned how to stop holding on to love. I let it be ephemeral, transient. Even while i craved for a love that would be written in the stars. It was how i taught myself to survive. It was either that or block out love completely and that i could not do.

I am unable to ask anyone to stay. No matter how much i want them to. I simply won’t do it. I will do nothing to influence this decision. I will stand still as a statute with a look of perfect tranquility as they made their decision. 

So as far as i am concerned, you can stay or leave. I will survive either way. Never will i ask you to stay. I will leave the door open and the rest is up to you. But if you walk out, i will slam the door behind you. If you stay, you will have to close and lock the door behind you.. or I’m likely to reopen it every chance i get.

Hefty baggage this.


Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Experiences,

For the arms that hold me..

September 23, 2020 J. 0 Comments


i am a touchy-feel-y person with my loved ones. my love language is a cross between touch and words. and i’ve always been surrounded by love. whenever i feel down and sad, i would walk up to one of circle and give them a hug. they would hug me back and a breath or two later i would feel sufficiently re-energised to do whatever it was that i needed to do. i have never really examined it - just accepted it as fact. i might have even taken it for-granted.

but when i walked out of that hospital.. away from the faces and the eyes. away from my gramps’ waning form. i took two steps towards the car and i broke down in tears. my brother was already there. he held me as my heart bled. no words, no questions, no judgement, just there.

it made me think back to all the times i‘ve been blessed enough to have arms hold me when i needed it. and how i never had to question it, ask for it or even say thank you for it. 

i am writing this because i never want to forget again. i am writing this because i know better now. I am writing this because i am grateful and words are both powerful and my love language. 

i am writing this for the arms that hold me.
present-continuous.

- J.

0 comments:

Music

Meet SAL

September 21, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I honestly don’t know how it is that I haven’t ever posted a SAL video here*. But better late than never. This is Sleeping at Last (SAL). 

I have chosen 7 of my favourite songs and created a playlist for you, enjoy!
  • Saturn
  • Two
  • Sun
  • Pluto
  • Light
  • Sight
  • Eight

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

*Ah! I just realised that I discovered him during my sabbatical which is why i didn’t mention him. Now you know. You’re welcome. 

0 comments:

Writing prompt

Horror & Cupid

September 20, 2020 J. 0 Comments


“During a taxi ride home from an unsuccessful valentines day date, you smell something unusual. On the seat beside you is someone else’s coat. You pick it up, in the hope of finding the owner’s identification in one of the pockets, only to discover that beneath it is a pile of what you really hope aren’t human hearts.”

I gasped before i could help it. Rather loudly too. Idiot. I knew he was watching me even before our eyes met in the rearview mirror. We watched each other for seconds that felt like an eternity and the cold flowing through my veins turned to solid-ice. I looked away, fidgeted for my phone and made a call.

“Hi! Yes. Yes. I’ll meet you at Cupid Park in 5”
Then to the driver, who was still watching me, “Can i just get off here?”
No answer.

My hands tightly gripped the phone and fear made my voice sound higher than usual. Still on the line, Grace is asking what the hell i was talking about.
He continued to silently watch me and i thought he wasn’t going to stop the car. My hands were already reaching for the door when he pulled up to the curb. I was out of the car before he put the car in brake. I pulled a bill from my bag not even checking to see what it was and handed it to him. But just then he grabbed my hand, smiled a toothy grin and said,
“I spent the night collecting some hearts for the Mrs for valentine’s. She likes them fresh, you know...”

In my defence, I didn’t know he meant pig hearts. I also didn’t know that pig heart was considered a delicacy to some and that it looks remarkably similar to the human heart. And I most especially didn’t know that he had a pacemaker and that spraying an entire can of pepper spray into his face was a health hazard and would land me in cuffs but here i am. Sitting in an interrogation room at the police station, writing my statement in an outrageously short dress i had used 2 month’s salary to buy just for tonight.
It’s official, i really hate Valentine’s Day.

Signed: Abigail Thomas
Date: 14/02/21


Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Writing prompt

The Four Horsemen

September 19, 2020 J. 0 Comments

“Apocalypse signs start to appear and they’re valid according to all religions that predicted them. One skinny guy shows up to your house and tells you he’s Apocalyse and hands you a shirt with a name badge on it that says “Death” and tells you your horse is outside.”

I laughed, even as trepidation caused the hairs behind my neck to stand. I tried to shut the door in his face but he put out a foot to stop me and said,
“Look just take the shirt and it will all make sense.”

I looked down at the shirt. It didn’t seem like anything special. In fact it looked like one of those £4 shirts from Primark. He was watching me, waiting for me to take it. He wasn’t going to budge unless I did so with an exasperated sigh, I reached for it.
As soon as my hand made contact, the sky went dark and there was thunder and lightning all at once and in an instant. There was also what felt like a loud roar in my head as i fell to ground, overwhelmed by the power of it.
It subsided after a few moments and i opened my eyes and stood up. The mirror in the entry way showed that i was wearing the death shirt even though I couldn’t remember it putting it on. I looked at Apocalypse. He smiled.
“Hello brother. War and Famine are out by the horses, let’s ride.”

We took over the globe. Every man, woman and child knew of us horsemen and we were revered for our power and might....

Jack is a 10 year old boy visiting with his grandfather in a nursing home. He says to his grandad.
“So this was all when you were part of a 60’s rockband?”
“Yes my boy, we were legendary.”
“Mummy said you were high most of the time”. 
“Yes my boy, that is true too. Good times”.
 
Note: this is all for humour. I am in no way or form supporting drugs. 

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Night,

Honest, selfish despair

September 17, 2020 J. 0 Comments

the funny thing about death is that once it touches you and you get devastated by it, it leaves a subtle kind of mark behind. you become more aware of your own mortality and certain end. it could be you in the ground tomorrow. 
out like a light. 
gone forever.
but that doesn’t faze you much. what terrifies you so much that you miss a few breaths is the possibility of it being someone that holds a chunk of your heart. the very blood in your veins freezes as you see the faces of such people in your mind’s eye. and all you can selfishly think is:
‘please God no. i don’t know how i will survive this.’
no, it is definitely not your finest moment.
but the complete honesty of it would shame the hypocrite.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

0 comments:

Dear Reader,

Why I couldn’t make it as a blogger

September 16, 2020 J. 0 Comments

I will always tell you this: I am not a blogger. I am simply a girl who writes publicly.

I tried blogging you know. I paid for hosting (thrice!!) and even purchased a domain name*. But I couldn’t keep to it. 7 posts max and i wanted out. There was an internal pressure to keep to a schedule, follow the trends and write about things that were “relevant” and deliver “value” so i could grow a network and..
.. and that was how they lost me. Completely. 

I said i would do anything else. I would sing with my croaky voice and I will dance with my funky old school moves (unfortunately i am not part of the twerking generation) .. but i will not contaminate my writing. Writing is mine. It comes from a place that is inside of me. When i am writing as i think - just like now - i can actually feel the words flowing from my heart to my consciousness. And then i pause a little - just like now - and try to translate the feelings into the written word..  and then i smile as the words finally resonate with the feelings  - just like now. ^.^

I can write poetry. I can write short stories. Heck sometimes i even write lyrics (i still haven’t learned to play that guitar yet). But having to write in such a confining manner doesn’t work for me. It isn’t a even trade. I would be losing something that is vital to me for something that isn’t. I don’t have to think about the perceived value of what I write here and that makes everything that I write valuable .. to me. I don’t have to tailor my words so my post will maybe go viral and bring me a lot of fame and money. Anything else, but not this. It is too precious.

So no, i won’t change to Wordpress or Wix for better views and tools, I will not allow ads or promote this blog in any way because this is my space, my niche. :)
And it’s gonna stay that way.

If you’ve somehow stumbled your way here, then hi!
And if it doesn’t happen then i think it’s probably for the best.
We are all mad here.

J.
(The Book of Day).

*This was during my 3 year sabbatical away from this blog.


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Change,

Of Day and Night.

September 15, 2020 J. 0 Comments


I know what you’re thinking.

That I swagger in and out of here whenever it suits me.. And you’re right of course.
Every now and again, i will come on here, cut my wrist and show you the colour and texture of my blood. That is who i am and that is the relationship we have built over the years. 
On my very first post on this blog i told you that writing for me was living and that i could only write about things i knew. That is a fact that remains true to this day. So the darkness and the light, they are all me - and i am continuously learning how to accept them both without being completely blinded by one over the other. 

This blog has been “Insert appropriate title here”. It has been “Jasmine’s Playground”.  Right now, it is “Gypsy Hart”.. from tomorrow it will become something else. Which brings me back to the point i was trying to make from the start. I am here again to make changes to this blog. I just realised that in about 7 months, it will be 10 years since I took the plunge and started this blog. My friend Aisha (remember her from here) talked me into it, read every single post and left supportive comments. In a few months she’d have been gone for as many years as I’ve been blogging writing publicly. 

I can not tell you how all these factors are linked because my brain hasn’t made the conscious connection yet but it’s in there and right now, i know that this is what i need to do.

So if you can stomach it and keep reading.. pull up a chair and sit with me by this fire and i will tell you all the stories that i know as i learn them.

It’s been a hell of a time! If you’re still here.. Thank you for giving a type of meaning to my madness.

I’m now out of ginger tea - so I’ll stop here today.

-J.

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Experiences,

Beware the advent of winter

September 14, 2020 J. 0 Comments


I know that there are men that i should be wary of
These creatures have perfected the art of emotional manipulation 
And me? I see, think and feel with my heart
I am prime prey.

They will take, take and take
And I will give, give and give
Because this is how i love
I give without measure
Without expecting anything in return.

Sometimes i will look up
Because while i am a lover, i am not stupid 
I will look up and look at them
Exalting in their smugness for having baited me yet again
Or with half a crocodile tear making its way down one cheek
And i will feel pity for them.
Real pity
Because today they are playing with my honest emotions 
and i will let it happen
For them
For me
But soon, very soon, the day will come
When they will lay in a bath of molten lava 
With red hot coals on their heads
And i will feel nothing.

This is why i pity them
For the day when my emotions stop flowing for them
Because on the reverse of my true love is icy unfeelingness
Not contempt or hatred
Those are too engaging
I will quite literally feel nothing at all.

So today while i still can feel,
I will smile up at them
And give them another pint of blood.

Don’t worry about me though,
My blessings are vast, I will make up more blood.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Musings

What is 'normal' anyway?

September 07, 2020 J. 0 Comments



I have had this saved for 6 years.
And still i cannot find fault in it.
So today, I post it here.

J.

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Musings

Of Romeo and his fair Juliet

September 06, 2020 J. 0 Comments


What if Friar John had known the gravity of the content of the letter he carried?
Would he then not have stopped in Mantua for a travel companion  
and therefore not been delayed by the accusation of the plague?
What if Friar Laurence had come up with a better plan?
What if Miss Capulet had simply told her parents the truth?
What if she had married Count Paris?
What if the apothecary hadn't been a poor man in need of money?
What if Romeo had never gone to the ball?
What if Juliet were a stronger woman
And Romeo a less fickle man? 

Would we, even today, know of them? Of Romeo and his fair Juliet?
What if Mr Shakespare had decided to give the young lovers a happier end?
Would we be as interested in their peaceful love as we are in their tragedy?
If the story were simply that they had lived and loved..
Would we, even today, tell their story and know their names?
And if not, what does that say about us as a people?

“From forth the fatal loins of these two foes, 
A pair of star cross’d lovers take their life; 
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows, 
Doth with their death bury their parents’ strife.”

Did two souls have to be lost for two feuding families to make peace?
I think the even greater tragedy would have been had they not.

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Rado

hic: starcrossed

September 05, 2020 J. 0 Comments

you asked me for our story and what writer worth her salt is unable to write her own story? your exact words were "from the beginning to the point where you can't anymore".

do we have a beginning though? we've always been opposing forces determined to maintain a friendship. what i thought was our unsuitability was simply our stars crossing - constantly. but i am getting ahead of myself.

if i had to pick a beginning for us, it would have to be middle school. you were my person. the one who told me what the mean girls said behind my back - so i could confront and kick their butts for it. you were always on my team. you were my person and that was enough.

the very first hic for me was one night in senior high. my beau was being detained and i was sitting by a classroom window alone wondering things a 16 year old wonders when she sees other girls flirting with her boyfriend.. and her boyfriend flirting back. you came to me, took one look at me and another at him (them) and you sat with me. for the life of me i cannot remember what exactly you said to me that night but it calmed me. i remember something about his loving me and not being foolish enough to risk that. you made me smile and he found us like that (and misunderstood of course). he was always jealous of our relationship, did i tell you that? if i weren't who i am and he who he is, he would have asked me to stop being friends with you. i guess even he saw the possibility before we did.

next i remember college. vividly. you were still my person, we spoke several times a day, and you visited often - i loved you, simply. we had lost our partners but we had each other. we might have overcompensated with each other because we were dating without the title. do you remember the time i "slept" in your arms because you had taken the bed in Lola's room? i use the quotation marks because i had way too many butterflies in my tummy to actually be asleep. but i let you think so. then you were finally bold enough to tell me.. and i didn't take it well. what? how? why? i had just ended one relationship. they were fleeting in my mind - you and i transcended that so why did you want to mess us up? but the cat was out of the bag and we couldn't be the same. either i was frustrated with you for changing our dynamics or you were frustrated with me for not feeling the same. but i couldn't. i wouldn't let myself. so what did we both do? we started seeing other people and inadvertently started what will be our story for a long time to come. it obviously created this gap between us. we didn't speak anymore, let alone talk. you weren't my person anymore. and i realized that in trying to save our friendship, i had ruined it.

another moment that sticks out is attending a friend's birthday party at her house. i was bored and looking around - and there you were, across from me and staring. i guess it was one of those scorching looks you read about in romance books because i felt it all the way to my toes. and i couldn't look away. i did though when i realized that while we were otherwise occupied, you had someone on your arm and mine was being held by another. we had made a mess of it all. there was no going back it seemed. but a year or so later, you would call me and we would talk and make up (this is also another pattern we will unwittingly adopt). that first time, it was like the estrangement had never occurred. we were both single so why not.. but you never went there again. i had just ended a roller coaster relationship and had developed some baggage of my own so i wasn't going to put myself out there either. so we pretended. and it became a rot that infested our already fragile bond. we stopped being able to express civility. we went back to bickering and fighting about everything. we were kind-of friends but the bond was shaky and any small turbulence would blow it away. remember the pattern i mentioned? we would part to reunite to part to reunite. i remember thinking a couple years back that it was as if we couldn't stay away from each other. it inspired me to write the only novel I've started and completed in my adult life "Friends and Lovers". i remember the dedication. it went: "i couldn't deny Rafe and Lily their happy ending just because we messed ours up. they earned it. they deserved it."

about two years ago i began to heal fully from the scars that i had suffered from during my life to that point. i went on a soul-walk and found myself. well, who i wanted to be anyway. i also decided that it was time that i put myself on the block like you had done once. so, when the words wouldn't just come out, i kissed you. you were shell shocked and i was embarrassed. i was even more embarrassed when i found out that i had apparently kissed someone who was in a relationship with another. i have felt so much for you in my life but that was the time when i felt something akin to hatred for you. for so many reasons - the foremost being that you hadn't had the decency to tell me yourself. that was when i realized just how close the line between love and hate was. and yes, i was in love with you at this time. i had convinced myself that if our time wouldn't come, i would create it. what a silly little girl i was huh? after that you might have tried, i don't know - i know i didn't though. i think we were both just too exhausted. and who could blame us, look at our history! it speaks for itself.

on the last day i saw you, you made me tell you why and finally i did. i didn't want to lose my person, i guess i didn't realize then that you were on lease and not mine to keep.

i told you it was easy to write about you. but now i can't anymore. the words have finished. we are not wasted effort, we are wasted potential and i think that's worse. now we are just strangers who share a past. however colourful it may be.

this is not a love letter. it is a farewell note. maybe someday i might actually send it to you.

and then again, maybe not.

J.

0 comments:

Experiences

Fight or flight? II

September 02, 2020 J. 0 Comments



Have you ever read words that shook you to your very core?
Not for anything other than the absolute truth within them.
It is a truth that you’ve always known and hidden away.

And you’re cringing away from it even while you recognise it for what it is.
What are the parts of yourself that you have hidden away?
You hide them away from judging eyes and lashing tongues
It is a kind of survival instinct.
So you censor to avoid censure.

But then someone pulls it out and shines a light on it.

So now what?

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

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Fear,

just like shazam

September 01, 2020 J. 0 Comments

When they fight like this it makes me feel like a child again. Helpless and afraid. Tonight I shook with the fear of it because I swear I thought he was going to hit her. I already heard the sound of it in my head and the pain in my heart. All the while she threatened him back with the knife she held and swore that if he ever hit her again, it would be the last thing he ever did. And all the while I cuddled under the stairs like a child afraid to look, afraid to see, afraid to make even the barest of sounds less I push one of them into fulfilling their threat. She shouts out some harsh words, he threatens to leave and I can't stop shaking. 

I hear my little sister coming down the stairs, she's holding a plate with a cake slice from her recently celebrated 14th birthday. And all I think is that I have to protect her from this. So I wipe away my tears and and stall her by sending her back up the stairs. She doesn't deserve to have her picture perfect idealism tainted. It will happen eventually. But not today. Not on my watch. Protecting my siblings is a source of strength for me. And protect them I will. So I leave the staircase, feel myself changing from age 8 back to age 24 and I do the only useful thing that I can do: pray. 

They didn't do it. He didn't hit her and she didn't stab him. Not today anyway. But the root of my fear is in the day when any one of these threats is carried out. Will I lose a parent or both? 

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Experiences

What is real?

August 31, 2020 J. 0 Comments


Someone asked me today if everything I wrote was real.
I asked her to define real. 
She said, "True" and I answered with "Yes, I write my truth."

She wasn't satisfied so she added, "Outside your head"
And I replied with a question of my own, "Does that make it any less real?"
Getting exasperated she said "Well do you see everything you write?"
Me, "Is that your definition of reality?"
Her, "Yes"

So I quoted Sam Sparro and meant it!!! I wasn't being difficult, this is my truth:
"If vision is the only validation, then most of my life isn't real."

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Story

Oh billy!: From the ram's view point

August 30, 2020 J. 0 Comments

We aren't just any old animal farm with pigs and hens and goat. We are THE animal farm. 

Old Roger has said that for as long as there are humans who eat meat, the farm would always be in business. The highlight of the farm depends on what season it is. During Christmas and Thankgiving -turkey and pigs, during the Eid celebrations chicken and ram. The farmer caters to all sorts. 

Now we who are grown and fattened for the season love it. We are fed well, not used for manual labour on the farm and groomed too. This we know is a requirement by the people who buy us as per their religious rules. So we are treated very well. 
Then we see the world. From our little farm out in the hicksville we are transported to all parts of the country. From busy market places to  makeshift trading posts - we are sold or bartered to the family that will take us home. 
But we are not all so lucky. Every once in a while, a few of us don't get sold or bartered and will have to be returned to the farm. For us, there is no greater tragedy than being a "Reject". According to the whispers, Old Roger was a reject from last year. He has rope injuries on his hind legs and wobbles when we walks. He always has his head down and only really looks alive when he is telling of the tales of his journey around the county. But the inevitable usually happens. One of the young sheep in their innocence asks: "It sounds so wonderful... Why did you ever return?” And then Old Roger would return to his default deadpan self. Our mothers would tell us to be good when we were young or end up a Reject. That, for us, was the boogeyman under the bed. 

The big day came. A week to the Eid festival, we were all shipped to our trade posts. I was taken to a market in a place called Kaduna. The road had been a wonder to behold. All those lands and open spaces- with no fences or barriers. When we went into the bigger towns and cities making drop-offs, i smelled the strangest smells and saw the most colourful of places. We all looked out the gaps of the trailer and marvelled at the things we saw and heard. 

Eventually I was dropped off myself. But life wasn't as easy as we had thought. The flock from our farm were kept in paddocks next to flocks from other farms and there was a lot of rivalry and competition as our human owners tried to woo the customers by offering the best prices and claiming that their animals had the best look. It wasn't looking good for our farm because up until a day to the Eid festival, only 9 of us had been sold. We were all starting to worry and young Albert was downright mopey because his chances were even slimmer being as small of stature as he was. But remarkably, he was the next of us to be sold. I overheard the humans say that the economy has been terrible and the currency of the nation had been greatly devalued therefore most customers couldn't afford the high prices of goods anymore. This didn't bode well for us. 

On the morning of the Eid festival I saw a little human girl looking through the paddock holes at us - as we lay sad and dejected. The farmer had said the night before that we would have to all go back to the farm. We were all to be Rejects. But the little girl.. she looked what the humans would call “cute”. When our eyes locked she smiled at me so I let her try to touch my ears. Then she pulled away and ran off only to return with an adult human male. She pointed to me and said "Daddy let's take this one." 

So they were last minute buyers then? But the way the older man looked me over, I knew he wouldn't want me so I didn't even bother getting up to preen for his attention. But the little girl was relentless. She stamped down her foot and declared that they would take me or no other. The farmer, seeing a possible sale, came over and started negotiating prices with the human man. The farmer is a professional haggler and finally a price was agreed upon. It was much higher than the price the farmer had hoped to get for any one of us this late in the day. I know because I had heard him and this foreman talking before. The farmer would have accepted up to half the price the human man paid. Maybe now he will finally be able to afford to send his youngest daughter to school. This has always been a bone of contention between the farmer and his wife, who has always insisted that their daughter be sent to school even with the farmer arguing that he couldn't afford the extra expense. My mother used to say that it was unnatural for me to listen to the humans talk but they have always fascinated me. Especially their love and devotion to money. I still do not get it. I have seen money before, it doesn't even look all that delicious to me but I guess to each his own. 

The foreman collared me and I was loaded into the delivery vehicle they aptly called a 'pickup' that would take me to the home of the humans who had bought me. As the little girl walked by me, she smiled her victory as if we were in cahoots. I had to appreciate her gusto. 

On this drive, I was filled less with that crazy excitement I had felt when leaving the farm and more with a sense of calm contentment. It had been a close call for me, I am aware I could have been a Reject. Except here I am being unloaded from the vehicle and being walked to the block where I will be nobly sacrificed. This is what I was meant to do. This is my pride and all my mother wanted for me. 

I see that the butcher is there already sharpening his knives and preparing his equipment. When I am brought to him, he looks me over with a critical eye and gives out instructions for how I should be held down. They needn’t bother, today I won't be going anywhere. The human man is given the knife to make the first cut and I hear him telling someone to take his daughter away. But my little defender would not have that so instead she ran forward to stand in my line of vision and stomped her foot again. Her father grudgingly subsides and she smiled that smile of hers again. 

The first feel of the knife at my neck hurt but after that I didn't feel anything anymore. The butcher took over and as the human man returned to his daughter, I heard her say:
"Has billy gone to sleep?"

I didn't hear her father respond and I don't even know if he did. My last thought was that she had named me after a damn goat. 

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