Eating healthy

I knew this was coming. I'd felt it since yesterday when I'd binged. What i didn't know was that it would escalate. I had a rather disturbing dream. It was centered on Ray. Need i say more? This (and other factors) has completely ruined my day of course. I'm falling into some kind of hole.. I'm screaming on the top of my lungs but no one can hear me. I spoke to Mama, didn't help. Then I called Rado. No help either. I really should've insisted on going out shopping with Bin2 today. And if i call Lola she's probably gonna pinpoint it. I don't have the energy to wear a mask today.

I just wanna curl up in bed and do nothing (which is actually all i've done today anyway). I keep thinking and getting stuck in my past. What happened to pressing play, you ask? No idea. *sigh* It's still there i guess. This is just one of those weak moments we all have. I thought i'd gotten rid of it permanently but apparently not.

I feel terrible!! And it's worse cuz there are so many more important things I could be doing with this time rather than being a brat. But i have neither the inclination nor motivation. I'm gonna regret this tomorrow, just you wait and see.

On the plus side, I've decided to change my diet before i clog my arteries and get a CHD* and/or diabetes.
This was breakfast! :)

*CHD- Coronary Heart Disease.

Juicy RainDrops!

1605-21102011

I just received a call from my father. At first, all i did was cry and stutter. The words couldn't make it pass my choked throat...

... But as soon as i could i gave him the telling of his life for giving me the longest hour of my life!!

I'm totally drained all of a sudden so it's back to bed for me (after i have another good cry, of course). Seems everything i've been holding in to this point has decided to use this chance to surface. I might as well let it if i wanna have an academically productive weekend.

Sukhran Ya Rabbi!

Juicy RainDrops!

Death.

A moment ago, I was overcome by fear. A feeling like never before. It gripped me so hard and fast that for the whole of that moment my vital organs seemed to shut down. But my hands shook, hell my whole body shook. Been trynna thread a needle but couldn't even see the hole beyond the tears that filled my eyes. What could scare me like this, i'm sure you're wondering?
Death.
Pure and simple.
My folks landed early this morning. They sent a message immediately and i woke up to it. i replied it but didn't get a reply back. I assumed they'd be asleep, jet lagged from the flight they'd just had. I gave them a few hours and tried calling them a little while ago. I started with my mother. Her number didn't go through but then my mother (like me) wasn't particularly big on technology so i tried my father. All three of his numbers but they were all either switched off or unavailable. The shaking had started then. My father NEVER switched off his phone, EVER! He probably doesn't even know what button achieves that.
I'd tried my sister, Chuchi, then. She would be back from school now and with them but her's too wasn't going through. I stopped pretending to sew then and called my cousin, who was more like a big brother. He hadn't spoken to them either and couldn't get them. I crashed. There was no other way to it.
Some part of me recognized that i was being irrational but nothing could overcome the fear. I'd tried my aunt then (the aunt that had been looking after Chuchi while my folks had been away). She'd seen them when she'd dropped my sister off earlier today. My relief was palpable. But that still didn't stop the shivers. My over active imagination comes to fault now because i can picture a couple of thousand things that could have gone wrong.
These people are my everything. I would be less than nothing without them so please God, Please let them be okay. That is all that i ask.

A drop in the ocean.

If yesterday was a good day, today was just fricking awesome!

It didn't start really good though. Took off my braids yesterday, washed and straightened my hair which took about 5 hours. I then cooked Jollof rice and also made stew (It was a lot of stew too). I was so exhausted afterwards that i'd thought that falling into bed was the only thing i had strength left for.
I was wrong.
I did fall in bed but only to watch 'Death Note' (great anime, by the way). Anyway before i knew it, it was 3 am. I went to bed then fulling expecting the day to not go any better.
I was wrong.
It got worse. I forced the drowsiness back during PPS (Pathophysiology and Pharmacology of Systems) but could hardly keep awake for the Project Genesis meeting. At noon, I was in Bin2's bed sleeping. Got up an hour later for the Medical Microbiology practical exam. It was actually good  (i answered all my questions. That's usually a good sign). Anyway because i'd missed the first practical in my first year where my classmates had been thought to 'streak plates' and 'Gram stain', i was rather terrible at it. So i'd watched videos and read from books and websites on the topic. There is a huge Competency Test next semester with a pass/fail grade. I cannot afford to fail. The research helped, though my confidence was still rather shaky or non-existent. So when i took my plate to the module leader (remember him from here), I'd fully expected a rebuff.
For the third time today, i was wrong.
His comment completely threw me off. "If i had to grade this i'd give it a 10. It's perfect!"
My world stopped for a minute before it started spinning again. He probably saw the look on my face for he added, "You have single colonies, no contamination or crossovers. You did really well."
I was still in my blissful haze, taking off my lab coat when some guy called out to me, "Hey. I love your t-shirt". I looked down at my Arsenal t-shirt and absentmindedly waved a thanks before i realised the look i was getting from some of the girls. So i turned back to the guy to see... him. I use 'him' here because i really don't know his name though a lot of the girls have huge crushes on him. *Shrug* (No surprise, I admit that i am oblivious to such things). He is cute though, but not my type. (Plus he had a goatee, enough said!)

Anyway as it turns out i don't hate my module leader and/or wish him to hell. If he hadn't done what he did, i wouldn't have put in as much effort and ended up having such a splendid day. :)
I walked home on air while talking to Mama. She and Pappi are going back today, ISA. I don't have to mention how exhilarated that makes Chu chi! :)

Rado has this mentorship thing today so i'll call him later to find out how it went. Also today is Thursday so I've got new episodes of Vampire Diaries, Naruto Shippudden and Big Bang theory! Plus, My weekend starts now!

Life isn't always fair but sometimes, just sometimes, it is so fricking worth it! Sukhran Ya Rabbi!

Weird Fact: Slugs have 4 noses.
Jasmeen Says: I don't do slimy so i'll take your word for it.

Oh, and please listen to this and love it as much as i do! :)



Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Regal monkey nuts!


Am i a total weirdo for finding this highly amusing? Cuz if i am, so is Bin2. "Regal Monkey Nuts!" Oh, that's rich! :)

Anyway, today is one of the good days.. in other words 'boring'. Safe, definitely, but boring. Went to lectures (9-10), got back, made rice and stew (home-sick) and well, lazied about in my underwear! -.-

Like i said, boring! Though i do have a faint memory of my aunt calling at around 7am, saying something about 'bedsheets'. I'd initially thought it was dream.. but then i saw my call log. She had called! Who calls me at 7am? My brain hasn't acknowledged the sun rise and new day then. Her bad!

I've got a Medical Microbiology practical exam tomorrow. Nothing i can prepare for at home but i'll try to watch some videos to refresh my memory.

Weird Fact: There are more chickens than people in the world.
Jasmeen Says: Well, i do hope so! Given the rate at which we consume it. I'd personally hate for them to run out! Also places like KFC, SFC and Chicken House would run out of business. *gasp* What would become of a world without chicken? I shudder just thinking about it.

*wink!*

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

The bathroom stand

Remember i promised to tell this story a while back? We'll here it is..

I had woken up one Wednesday morning feeling groggy then recalled that i'd made reservations (due for pickup) at Argos. So i pulled my lazy ass out of bed and went to get it. Anyway, the man at the counter made a comment as he handed me the box.
      "You're going to need to get a man to help you put that up."
It irked! Who said i couldn't put it up myself? I think my mumbled reply was something like, "We'll see about that."
So, i bought the necessary tools and set to work on it myself. I read the manual (while having a sandwich) and the end result, if i do say so myself, was neat!

See for yourself..

The famous bathroom stand. 

So yes, I do not need a man to fix anything for me. (but i won't argue if he offers free foot massages after school or perhaps breakfast in bed) *dreamy look*

*clears head*

I got an anonymous comment about adding a 'Twitter button'. First of all, thank you very much for the suggestion. Secondly, I did try but it doesn't work. I have no idea why, but then you have to take into consideration that fact that technology and i aren't particularly close. I'll try again though. :)

The umbrella charm
Being back in Braddie means back to work. I had a full day of lectures today and, because i still haven't invested in an umbrella, walked back home in the rain. I love the rain more than the average person but even I can't take this much of it 5 days a week. The last time i went out to get an umbrella, i ended up buying an umbrella charm for my bracelet. Ha! Bin2's expression was priceless!! :D


Go away with some knowledge:

Weird fact : Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.
Jasmeen Says : Pizza! hmm.. yum! That settles what i'm having for dinner! :)

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Home Sweet Braddie!

So it's 1:58am and i'm unpacking, cleaning and singing along (a.k.a doing terrible injustice) to "I will survive". I'm listening to old classics again. This song feeds my soul.

I'm back in Braddie. Didn't cry when i left the folks but i was close (so very close!) But i love being back in my own space.. Plus i missed Truffles, Booboo and RooQie. A mother can't stand to be away from her kids for too long after all! :)

From right: RooQie, Truffles and Booboo! 


Anyway, as much as i'd love to stay and tell you more i have to run. 9am lectures later.

Dream in colour!

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

17102011-0040

I'm in a terribly nasty mood. I feel tired and spiteful and just plain mean. And i'm not PMS so i really have no excuse. At least not a legit one. I shopped some more today, but everything i tried on made me feel worse. i blame Gretchen of course for taking the fun out of my therapeutic shopping and plan on getting her back for it. I'm so depressed it's not even funny. I want to talk to Rado, but i won't. Why? Because that will bring me back to square one of the whole hero-syndrome series. God, this sucks! *tongue*

Anyho, i'm downloading a million apps and books on my iPod to read on my way back to Braddie ISA. It's bittersweet because it means that it's almost Christmas and i get to see the whole fam soon.. but also that i have to be away from them till December. I know I'm being a brat about it all but it can't be helped. *Sigh*

Well, i guess that's about it. I'm gonna go curl up with a good book now and wish tomorrow (now today!) away. Dream in colour.

Oh! and i almost forgot..

Weird fact #2 - You can't tickle yourself.
Jasmeen says - Very true! (yes! i tried it because i'm terrible at being both bored and pathetic) *tongue*

Now, Dream in colour! :)

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

Einstein shaped universe! :)

My first observation when I arrived London yesterday was how fast-paced it was. Feet tapping (with impatience), horns blaring, people running to catch the bus and so much traffic! (What happened to slow kisses that seem almost heartbreakingly painful? Mind me not!). But there was also an excitement. A thrill of sorts!  Perhaps had something to do with seeing the folks, but there was something there that was all 'London.' I couldn't help humming 'One day in London' from 'Pocahontas II' in my head as i rode the cab to where I'd meet Mama and Pappi. I don't have to mention how fricking much that meant to me!

Only my mother would know to get her daughter, out of all the souvenirs/gifts in this world, a glow-in-the-dark Einstein T-shirt from the Smithsonian Museum. I LOVE IT!! And a mood bracelet (with little half-moons and stars) which I never take off now. She understands me that much! Blessed is what I am. :)

The universe is shaped like Einstein! :)

Anyway yeah, I have been shopping to my content and I had a session with Gretchen (my psychiatrist). She spluttered some remote crap about me shopping excessively to, i quote, 'fill a void'. I have zero idea what that means but i hardly ever understand anything she says. i think she speaks in riddles to confuse me.. as if i don't already have enough of that in my life. Anyway, everyone swears that she's the best and that she's somehow going to 'fix' me. They definitely need to learn to recognize a lost cause when faced with one. Anyway, yeah!

I saw Patrick Vieira (ex-Arsenal player and captain, now Goodwill ambassador for UN) in Sainsbury's! Shit, the man is TALL! Mama was actually the one who recognized him. I walked right past him.. ever-oblivious. That's me! *smh*

Been talking to Ray all through yesterday and today. No sparks.. just cooling embers! I'm glad. Rado didn't sound too hot when we spoke earlier but i don't know what to do about it. It's nagging at me but.. *sigh*

I downloaded a 'Weird facts' app on my iPod so I'm gonna educate you from now on.. and give you my very very opinionated opinions! :)

Weird fact #1 : The planet Saturn has a density lower than water. So, if placed in water it would float.
Jasmeen says: Yea, and the universe really IS Einstein-shaped! *tongue*

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Steam blowing.

No fricking way!! Can you believe this pompous thing of a man.. I write to him, ever so humble and apologetic and what does he do but send me this long, boring thing of an email criticizing everything i said. I know it's his prerogative to give a chance or not, but if you're gonna say 'no' then say it and be over with. Don't string me along and make me think i have a chance only to shoot me down. Stupid!!!!

And Butler, don't even get me started. It won't end nice!

You know what? On a second thought i think i'm too pissed off for this. I'll try again later.

Someday's today.

I put 'Rang and Dale' aside for this. It might make very little sense.

I saw them. I hadn't ever till today. In both cases. Both Ray and Rado, that is. Something happened within me. i got goosebumps as i realized that i would do a lot of things in my life.. make a lot of mistakes too.. But that would never be one. I'm so much bigger than that. All this time I have been holding on to thin air. Let me explain.

I let go of Ray only to slowly but surely hold on to Rado. "Hero syndrome", I hear it's called. But Rado, dear friend that he is can never be my 'one'. I would be charged with murder before the end of the week. yes, i love him that much! *smile*
i am not in love with Rado, it was just a crush on the guy who helped me through a very rough patch in my life. He did make for an interesting summer crush though. *wink* My point is, there's no Ray, there's no Rado, no Rango.. at long last i don't have to live for anyone but me. Don't get me wrong, i've loved each one of them in my own way but this, this is a fantasy-come-true. :)

I probably have no idea what i'm gonna do next (haven't given it much thought) but it's going to be so interesting trying to figure it all out. i will mess up (God, knows i will) but i will heal. i will mend. i have no doubt.

... And you, on the other hand, get to be entertained as 'Little Miss Perfect' becomes 'Little Miss Not-So-Perfect".  And to think that all this started with a bathroom stand and a picture. what does that say about my mental health? *shrug* Oh! I never told you the story about the bathroom stand, did i? Maybe some other time. Now, i have to continue studying so i can be able to swear that i had been later on. I didn't promise to be more rational just more spontaneous. That reminds me of something.. NO! (see what you do to me?) Have to run!

A very long way down the aisle, RooQ and I will make history but before that day.. Shh!!! :)

Juicy Raindrops! ♡

:S

Mama and Pappi called to tell me that they were almost boarding. Both Mama and Chuchi had cried on separation. A mother.. No, MY mother.. NO WORDS! None at all!!
Is it irrational for me to be anxious? I mean they have flown over a hundred times and come back safely. This one shouldn't be any different. I pray mightily that it isn't.

Been listening to my heartfelt playlist. Its has all my favourite men: Joe, Babyface, Claude Kelly, Boys2Men, Westlife, NeYo, Phil Collins... etc, so i'm in a very calm and relaxed mood.

I didn't know him but i do use and love his software. RIP Steve Jobs. Your legacy lives on..

                   A man with a vision

          "There is no reason not to follow your heart." 

I really love what i do. Otherwise why do it right? I'm gonna be MIA for a little while. Fear not, though! I'll be back as soon as i can.

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Way to start the year!

I fricking went and missed my medical microbiology practical.

Well, i wasn't actually late cuz i was there by 2pm but the doors had already been shut. How many times have i had to stand outside those same doors 5-10mins after the scheduled time waiting for them doors to open!?! 
Anyway i waited around for 10 mins and when it seemed like no one was really gonna open the doors i came back home to email my year tutor who Bin2 and i have tagged 'Gerard Butler'. This gave me an excuse to correspond with him but it is still not enough of a consolation price as far as i'm concerned.
God, i hate when these things happen because it makes me feel, well, Argh! A-levels messed up my head really bad. it ate away at my confidence and so when i face hurdles now instead of running and leaping like i always did, i shrink back into my shell and start doubting myself. which was basically what i did on my walk home. but now, i wont let it continue. Thank God it's the weekend. I am gonna work my ass off! Remind myself of what i really am capable of when i set my heart to it. Plus wallowing in self pity is not a good color on me, don't you think?

Yeah, there! I feel so much better now. New episodes of Vampire Diaries, Big Bang Theory and Naruto expected today. i actually do love Thursdays! :)

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Something about the rain..

I'd known it was gonna rain today. The winds told me. And somehow i knew it was gonna come with an epiphany. I stood on my rooftop and let the rain bathe my heart and soul. The rain always did that..

I am not alone.
That was the first one. i tend to distance myself from the people that matter the most to me. it isn't a test of any kind. i am not trying to see if they'll pull me back. i don't even notice when i do and when i do notice, sometimes, i do nothing about it. I've always been solitary.. especially when i have something on my mind. i just think better that way. but also i wind up hurting the people I'm suppose to protect, then i start to feel like a total heel.
at some point in my life i reasoned that people either died or did something so bad you wished they'd died instead. so i didn't wanna let people get that close. just a few Jewels. When those same Jewels started disappointing me left, right and center, i created a barrier against everyone. the barrier enclosed Mama, the dweebs and myself. anyone outside that barrier was the enemy and a probable cause of pain. i wasn't willing to take the risk. no one seemed worth it any more.
Then i spoke to Ify, who said i wasn't the Jasmeen he knew and loved. it hurt. i don't know how but it pierced through me. During one convo with MO, i unconsciously let my guard down (as he made me laugh so hard!). He said we hadn't talked that way in a while and said it was great having me back. Then when Lola spoke about the distance between us last night i couldn't stand it anymore. i realized that my plan was never going to work because i already loved these people. There was no way around it. if something happened to them while i was "protecting" myself, i would be distraught. i might hold them at arm's length but they already were part of the bits and pieces of me. If anything happened to them while i was away, i wouldn't forgive myself. That was what it took for me to get back on my rails.
i still have those same fears.. that they would leave me or hurt me, but now i know to cherish the journey as much as the destination.

My second epiphany was RooQ - my white horse guy. i keep keeping an eye, ear and hand out hoping to run into him, praying i don't miss him least i regret it for the rest of my life. it is taking up too much of my time and honestly i want that first class next year by God's grace. RooQ is going to have to wait. Plus i realized that if it really, really, really was him, he'd find me no matter where i hid.

      "... When you're ready, it will find YOU!"

I wrote that once. i understand it now.

I'm obsessed with trying to make the least amount of mistakes possible in my life. i don't think mistakes are lessons, i think they are pain-filled. i do not do pain (says the masochist!). Anyway, lesson learned.

You see, rain to me is one of God's greatest moments. Rain brings hope and comfort.. it brings acceptance too.

This is my song of the week. you will see the correlation to my predicament.



P.s
I didn't lose Rado! He was just never mine to begin with. Another lesson learnt.

Juicy RainDrops!! ♡

Crazy, Stupid Love

                                   "... Love is the biggest scam of all"
A kid said that, heartbroken and in despair, and all i could think was what a great line it was. I had no problem at all believing it. Love is a sick and twisted play of  neurotransmitters in the CNS creating an illusion we have almost worshipped over the years. We have cried for it, died for it. Some have even killed for it. I just don't think that it's worth it.

My excuse?
Nothing.

I have not be scarred beyond repair by some high school/college beau. Hell, i was the one to bring my last relationship to an end. My parents are still together after 22 years. I have led a very sheltered and pampered life. i guess i am just who i am.

What gets to me most is that i used to believe in all this stuff. Love, relationships, marriage, little white picket fences... the whole works. The question is. "What happened to me?"

Looking at the kid's face at the end of the movie, it hit me. i couldn't help but feel cheated. like i had lost, that something had been stolen from me.

i want it back!

In other news, HP weekend comes to a end tonight.. and it's back to business. Got a PPS 1 test on thursday too. In case i don't return, don't take it personal, just blame education (i do!)

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Harry Potter Weekend

It's the weekend babay!! (No lectures on Friday!) And this weekend Bin2 and i are having a "Harry Potter Weekend". Basically we're gonna watch all the movies from part 1 -7 (part 2) again, probably for the last time. it's like the end of an era, isn't it? I can clearly remember an eager eleven year old me sitting at the back of the class with a borrowed and battered copy of 'Chamber of Secrets' ( i use 'battered' here loosely. the book had no cover and the first 2 pages were missing!). i think i was thirteen when i owned and read 'Prisoner of Azkhaban'. 'Deathly Hallows' i can never forget was released on my birthday. i had it in my hands that same day! yes, i have such amazing friends.. :)

I'm making rice and mama's soup for dinner. yea, i'm feeling that good. wanna see? say please and thank you!

Anyway, jamming up at the moment. I miss Rado and will probably call him to squabble soon.. :)


Juicy RainDrops! ♡

Kal ho na ho

It seems so unlike me to make an entry so soon after the last one but i figured i had to make time for anything and everything that mattered to me NOW. Tomorrow might never come (hence the title). 

On my way home from lectures today, i was struck by just how beautiful Braddie was and how at home and content i feel here. Definitely one of the best decisions i ever made. I took some pictures too (with my phone). I am no photographer but i do think they look really nice.


Braddie in Autumn! Simply loving it.. 



I love the whole new plant growing out of a barren wasteland thing. Kind of like the Phoenix emerging from the ashes! 







No, I wasn't stalking. I loved how and where she stood. It was a moment.



Rooftop of Nattarg! My favourite place! :)

Long, lonely flight home. Sounds familiar.


So this is here because i'd secretly hoped he'd fall and i'd laugh. Yes, i' m evil.

So, now that that is done. I have Immunology to study for. I don't sound very excited, do i? *Sigh* On the plus side i bought me some new boots and they're gorg! That should get me through tomorrow (which by the way, is the start of my weekend!). Yes, i am happy now!

xx

For Aisha..

I'm sorry it took this long for me to do this. At first, i just wouldn't believe it.. and then i got caught up in the crazy and (when you really think about it) insignificant drama that makes up life.

When i heard about it, it didn't sink in. Refused to. Mama called it shock. I simply didn't believe it. i couldn't. i wouldn't. But as the moon overtook the sun in their eternal dance across the skies, i had to accept the truth of it. It was like a horribly written and directed play. But it was true. Then came the waterworks, pain..
.. and regrets.

I didn't get to ask you why. Why you'd moved, and how you could stand it. (Medicine was only our life's ambition after all!). And then we said we'd meet. Next month, next year.. You see the thing with life is the uncertainty in its certain end. We should have done all of it NOW. Thought of everything in the present.

Your last blog entry? It gets me by. It tells me that you were happy.. even if it was for a frame of time. You were happy.. and cherry. Just like I've always known you to be. you always did tend to laugh in the midst of hurdles. i never told you this but i admire you for that. You gave me the courage to start a blog. And when i was feeling sorry for myself, you picked me up with your words. Now, that i think of it, i didn't get to tell you a lot of things. So caught up in my own selfish world.

Just about 2 months ago something died within me. you said it was gonna get better. You didn't even know what it was. at the time, regrettably, i didn't express just how much it meant that you'd taken the time out. I was in too much pain. Determined not to let anyone in.

When Georgie died i promised to learn to live for the moment.. Eat, love, pray... and not let my problems overwhelm me. i didn't keep that promise but with your death i renew it. InshaAllah. Every moment i'm alive i own to Him, and i thank Him abundantly for it. He protects me, guides me.. and i pray He does you too. i trust only Him with you now.

Rest in blessed peace my dear, dear friend. May we meet on the other side.

Now, I shall cry no more. No promises though!

Woman In The Mirror

Yes, you can cry. Weep even. Fill the seas and oceans. Make it rain. But it wont change anything.. and I have come to realise that any action that doesn’t cause a change is a wasted one. I might even be bold enough to say a foolish one.

When I lost Kaku, I was a mess. Then I lost Ray. Which pushed me over the edge. I was lost. No sense, no direction. 'Why?' was question of the day. Was it me? How would I cope alone? And was this searing pain in my chest normal?

I became detached and a real big buzz kill. The kind of girl you wouldn’t sit next to in party. Essentially I was a shell of my former self.

Then I heard Ne-yo’s ‘So you can cry’

“.. your tears wont bring him back. I know you wish that it did but it just don’t work like that.”

I cried harder then.. praying and wishing. But no fairy godmother came to me. It was hard but I accepted that if I ever wanted fairy tales I was gonna have to make them happen myself. I was gonna have to fight for them. There are no magic wands in reality.

I cleaned up my act and haven't shed a tear since. I miss them of course, and once in a while I think of the would-have-beens. But my life didn’t stop or end as I thought it would..

“… There will be pain but life goes on, with everyday’s a brand new song.”

And life did go on. The music didn’t stop playing for my pain. Time went on. A mother lost her child, a child his mother.  A seed germinated and an oak fell. One man lost everything and another realized he had everything. 10 more girls in my time zone alone got their hearts broken that same day. Probably. My point is that I am just a crock in a big machine. I can work hard to make it change or I can slack because ‘it hurts’. I put the pain into my work. It built drive and determination. That was all I needed. And believe me when I tell you I have never felt better than I do now.

My time with them was great. Awesome even. It helped mold me and I wouldn’t trade the experience and/or memories. But the person that I am now, the woman in the mirror, she is magnificent!!

I make changes everyday now. Little ones and big ones. A hand there, a smile here. Little seedlings. And everyday I reap the fruits. I call them all #little joys. Cuz you see in the end, when the storm hits, they are what will keep you afloat.

I Am Legend!


For a decade I never uttered a word. When I finally decided to give all of me I was shot down so hard and fast it made my head spin. The pain and shame of it alone would have had a weaker being on their knees but I am no such being. I live in a made-up world and behind all the gloss and shine I realized that nothing I had was truly mine.
How could one expect me to go down that road again? That would be too much for you to ask of me. But then you aren’t asking. Fool that I am, I’m putting myself out there again. I would like to say that it’s cuz I trust you so much and that I know you wouldn’t disappoint me as well but that is not the case. I simply don’t care what you do with the info. I feel I have to tell you, for me, not you.

You could call this my olive branch. My way of letting you see the heart of me.

I cannot start without saying Venice. For me, Venice is everything – where it starts and where it ends. I believe my very existence will make sense as soon as I set foot in Venice. I could probably be simply setting myself up for disappointment but it’s my prerogative. I want to see Venice, feel Venice, be Venice. And if I do not find what I seek, I will go from there to Paris to Egypt and then Olympus itself till I find what I’m searching for. With strength to rival that of Gaara I will turn the sands of the desert over till I find...
The voice of reason says that I could scour the globe all I want but what I truly desire lies within me. I say to that voice STFU. I want this. This flight from the safe to the new and the exciting, with no four walls closing in on me. Out-running Life and Cupid on their own field..

I NEED THIS!

But alas, what I truly seek is not in Venice. What I crave is what I have seen. Have seen, admired and even envied. What I need is an assurance. One that I will never be alone. Not again. That I would face this world everyday with you by my side. Don’t misunderstand me, what I need is not a shoulder to lean on but a hand to hold, to help, to heal. Hold me through the storm, help me face the fire and heal this damaged soul of mine for it very much is so.

This is my message in a bottle. My S.O.S! If you’re still listening, set me free!

I lived on. I fought on. Hardly distinguishing one fight from the next but still, still my dearest, I pushed on. When more darkness overcame my skies I grew enraged. My calls were still unanswered, there was no one here. With swords in both hands I let out my battle cry and lashed out. Knowing not who was enemy and who was friend, I let my rage engulf all. Man was such a fragile being after all. My swords, now extensions of myself, cut through their flesh like butter. They wouldn’t take me down. Not in a million lifetimes.

Then I felt liquid droplets on my face. The men’s blood perhaps; I was used to them now. But no, this slid down my face faster. I reached out a finger to touch. It felt different. It was.. rain? I looked up and the heavens wept on and around me. I glanced around the battlefield. There was nothing but corpses of dead and soon-to-be dead men. I was the only one standing. I looked up again as a bolt of lightening cut through the sky followed by the rumble of thunder. On a roar, I plunged my swords into the earth, fell to my knees… and wept along with the heavens.

I had survived!

When you live long enough you will learn that winning one war makes you a victor, winning another a hero. But when you have lived, fought and won as many battles as I have, you are LEGEND!!!
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)