Rotten luck.

i'm not having a good day. not even bearable. i went out for some last minute shopping, withdrew some cash and (here's the kicker) LOST IT! That was the trigger my system needed to crash. i have been teetering on the edge for a while now. barely hanging by the thread but i fought it. i wouldnt let the vast but minute problems in my life outweigh the good. precious moments and all that. but i cant do it anymore. i fight it but life just seems to knock me down harder. and i have no more fight left in me. i want to just curl up in my room for the next decade or so. maybe even longer. i try to be a good person - do the right thing, say the right thing - most of the time, so i cant understand how i keep getting knocked out. maybe i should change sides.

so party plans for tonight are cancelled. i cant muster the energy to smile, laugh and dance. not today. i have a migraine anyway..

.. but i also have a conscience. i couldn't back out on her. i mean i could, but i wont. whose fault is it that i cant seem to make sense of anything? definitely not hers.

i'm just tired. i wanna go back home. i mean my REAL home. in the midst of my haploid donors and their other successfully fertilized embryos. either that or move to the mountains. i'm messed up right now.. definitely NOT good company but i have a Madear in my head. And what i can hear her saying is, "Suck it up and shut the fuck up. Life will always push you down. what you need to do is take control and push it harder, dress up and have a great time tonight. if you don't, you lose and they win. which do you want?"

Did i mention that i was wearing the cutest blazer tonight with my favorite stilettos? oh! and the most adorable earrings. will be sure to post a picture. I hope that answers your question Madear.

Juicy RainDrops! ♡

curious much?!

 No, I'm not mad at you.

i'm just scared that i have feelings for you.. or will develop them if we go on this way. and that just cant be. i care too much about you for that. perhaps i'm being a bit selfish. no, i believe the word is self-preserving. Rado my love, we wouldn't last three days out there. we have a good thing going now, if we tried to change it there would be dire consequences. consequences we might not recover from. changing the rules right at this moment would be suicidal, for me anyway. i've been single 6months now, coming from a 5year roller-coaster relationship.

right now i believe we're more in curiosity than in love. the flame dies out, curiosity gets satisfied, then what? i guess we've got friendship but i doubt we will have even that if we continue down this path. i dont have many friends. acquaintances and contacts, yes. but friends, no. do you see where i'm headed?

i've been called perverse (by you) countless times and perhaps you're right. and i wont say i'm doing this for you. i'm not self-sacrificing either. i just dont know whats right for us and until i do, limited contact seems best.

Alone

Bin2's split and I am just that, alone. Started packing for Saturday but i'm a bundle of nerves. I haven't spoken to Rado either for reasons it would take too long to explain, requiring time and energy i don't have. If i could have one wish at this very second it would be to disappear. Where, i don't know or care, but i need to just be. My four walls are suffocating me. Making me focus on things i'd rather not. What is it they say about idle minds?
Sigh!
I would go for a walk but somehow i don't think that would accomplish anything, afterall i would have to return home sooner or later. I hate feeling this way. Like i'm the only person on the surface of the fricking earth. Spoke to the fam and Lola too but as soon as the call ends, i'm spiraling right back to square one.


So here's the game plan:
1. Heartfelt playlist (Claude Kelly, Jay Sean, Lee Carr, Neyo, Joe, Boys2Men etc..)
2. Long, hot shower (apricots and jasmine!)
3. Favorite pjamas (Shorts and my brother's t-shirt)
4. Light flavoured, scented candles (Keeps the ghouls at bay)
5. Snuggle with Truffles, Booboo, RooQ ( Jasmeen's angels)
6.  ..and Mortimer! (Atlanteans tend to cheer me up!)
7. Go into major sleep coma ( if i never wake, i would have gone to bed happy)

And to the incessant voice in my head: "Yes, i want to talk to him but i wont.. i can't. Capisce?"

For a moment.

I just had a moment. One we've probably all had before. Well, at least according to Robin from HIMYM. Anyway I was on FB when I saw a pic of Ray and Lola. It acted as cAMP and therefore initiated the cascade mechanism that led to 'the moment'. In that moment, looking at that familiar and yet strange face, I could have sworn i felt a stir. A stir that went "if only". Bin2 said, 'seeing your ex' and somehow it explained it more than any words I could find to use.. not right now anyway. Missy Higgins explains it better in 'Where I stood'. It's just a moment and it will pass. So why did i feel the need to write? Here we go again with the 21 questions.


P.s
Bin2's Rufus! Not Ron. My bad! :)

Chasing vamps, time travel and other things..

I've been away for a while and quite frankly I missed this. Curling up in a corner with my laptop to just write. But as the title suggests I've been busy. Bin2 and I unraveled the secrets and mysteries of Braddie, time traveled to the early 20's and chased a vampire kid (at human pace, so we lost him).. all before dinner! We're like teen superheroes now - Braddie's very own Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable. (B's Ron of course, but don't tell her I said so) :)

In other news, I'M DONE WITH MY EXAMS! I'm no longer a first year student! *huge grin* After undergoing 2 years of A-levels while watching my high school mates get into uni, this is a huge accomplishment for yours truly. Thank you very much!

I'll be leaving Braddie in 8days IsA. It's bittersweet, cuz somehow Brad's home now too, you know. But Bin2's been here and that's made it a whole lot more fun! Plus, I MIGHT be seeing her over the summer too. Yippee!
All in all, everything's been running smoothly over the past couple of days (Reproductive Biology excluded). I probably should make a summer to-do list. It would include driving lessons (don't ask why I haven't done it this whole time), work experience (local hospital, perhaps) and RANGO! ♥

Oh! I also started another blog, Juicy RainDrops! The atmosphere there will be quite different. More Marie than Jasmeen. And most of it will definitely be fictional. The colourful and beautiful things in la-land.. through Marie's rose-colored glasses. Keep an eye out! x

♡

Reckoning.

Well, my day of reckoning is here. My exam starts in about 6 hours. I just realized the magnitude of what i've done. But why cry over spilled milk? I'm making a promise here and now, to myself (and Erza), that my biochem won't go the same way ISA. I do feel really silly right at this moment though. It's going to be one LONG and interesting afternoon..

Attention span of a ..

First and foremost, you have to understand that I tried. Just wanted to put it out there. But whenever I pick up my lecture note, something happens.. coupled with my short attention span, well that's just a deadly mix.

Anyway, I had the wakiest conversation with Mama.


                           Mama (Die-hard Arsenal fan): 
"So, Tsoho (her younger brother) sent me a message yesterday that went: The best place to hide something from an Arsenal fan is to put it in a trophy".


                  Me: 
 "Hmmm.."

                 Mama:  
 ".. and then he sent another now wanting to know why I didn't call to congratulate him on Man U's victory. Can you imagine him?"

Maybe it was the delivery or the fact that I was just tired but I laughed long and hard after that.

And speaking of short attention spans.. *sigh*
How does that go anyway? There's the short term memory of a gold fish, then short attention span of a *what?* Me, probably.

I think I've got Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, ADHD, without the hyperactivity.. That should explain it. Lets see.. Symptoms.
  • Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another (CHECK!)
  • Have difficulty maintaining focus on one task (CHECK!)
  • Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless doing something enjoyable (CHECK!)

Okay, keep in mind that the list above is from Wikipedia. So its authenticity is in question. Yes. Okay. Bye!

♡

The aftermath.

 One woman: Nora Roberts. <--- BIG FAN!
 
Okay, fine! I shouldn’t have let temptation get the best of me but I just had to read a novel.. with Reproductive Biology exam on Monday. Shoot! I needed some heart-melting romance injected into me and I knew where to get it. I read “The winning hand” and I’m irrevocably in love with Mac Blade. (well, at least until the next great book).

[Weaving fantasies..]

It baffles Lola that I’m a romantic. Apparently someone as cynical as I couldn’t possibly be one. I actually prefer 'realistic' to 'cynic', but hey! We all need a little romance. I honestly believe that it isn’t over-rated. I mean anyone could woo and win a woman (or attempt to) but it’s the thought that counts. To have a man pay attention enough to try.. using his head and not his libido for once. Who wouldn’t be smitten?
Bakar is always talking about how I’m such a sad romantic and how my fantasies aren’t ever gonna come through. He means well I know, even I think that way sometimes. Most times though it’s more, “what else do you believe in?”. You’ve got to believe in something. Little graces. And me, I believe in RooQ. Heart, body and soul, I do. I tried to shift the parameters with Ray, to make the image fit him and not him the image. That obviously didn’t turn out right. And I realize that it was never suppose to. I hang on to my perceptions of Ray because well, otherwise I’d have to change. Using him as a defensive mechanism works just fine, when honestly our time together is nothing but a distant memory to me now.
Speaking of the present, I’m ready to make that move. Actually I’m not. I’m scared shitless but isn't that what living is all about. Stepping out into the unpredictable, testing waters?
It is said that you hardly ever have to look far for what you seek. It is usually right under your nose, at the last place you'd look. Lately, well, lets just say I’ve been shaken but by what I’ve noticed. 
We all have that one friend that’s seen us at our lowest and, heaven knows why, still love us.. being there every nasty or brilliant step of the way. Well what happens when you start to think that (perhaps) if you ever had to break out of your protective shell, you’d do it only for them? 

But it would never work. I mean, i think it wouldn't. Why should it? We're best mates for Pete's sake. He seems to think there's more, but is there? or am i only thinking this way because he's planted the seed of doubt in my head? Yea, that's it. Why mess up a good thing, right? 

OMG! I'm not sure anymore. *Gasp*

Oh bugger! Is this all because of the book I just read? 

"Thank you Nora Roberts" She drawls with dripping sarcasm. 

I'm sticking to my Reproductive Bio and Biochemistry from now on.

♡ 

Life, in music.


I'm in love with the Don Omar's "Danza Kuduro" (Fast 5 OST). It's life.. in music.  i would like to take credit for the title but that stroke of genius was all Bin2.


My psychiatrist, Gretchen, says that by not writing about what really happens to me and how i feel about them, i'm making the whole being-bold-blog-exercise pointless. It was either i really wrote what i felt or have 3 more two-hour sessions every week. i folded.

So, now, what i'm feeling.. that can be summed up in one word: Ray. But i hate that so i'll say i'm in transition from the girl i was to the woman i will be.

Music would best describe this. It always does.. a string of chords that translate to exactly what i'm feeling. And i know just the song. 'Devil in me' - Kate Voegele



P.s
I love my ladybug. I feel a sense of homecoming when I load this page and she comes up so i've decided to name her. She's Erza! :)

♡

nothing.

"We haven't had any communication in a while, and it's given me time I needed to think. Remember when you said we should live with each other and be unhappy so we could be happy? Consider it a testimony to how much I love you that I spent so long pouring myself into that offer, trying to make it work. But a friend took me to the most amazing place the other day its called, The Augustium. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the Barbarians came they trashed it along with everything else. The Great Augustus Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, one day would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over centuries. Feels like a precious wound, Like a heartbreak you won't let go of cause it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same David. Settle for living in misery because were afraid of change. Of things crumbling to ruins. then i looked around in this place at the chaos its endured. The way its been adapted, burned, pillaged, and found a way to build itself back up again...and i was reassured. Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, It's just the world that is. And the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. Even in this eternal city. The Augustium showed me that we must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation. Both of us deserve better than staying together because we're afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't."

Yes! For all of you who have watched the movie that was from 'eat, love, pray'. Beautiful isn't it? I thought so. That right there fully describes how i have been feeling for a while. The beautiful thing about reading is that even when i don't have the words, someone somewhere does. And we have a connection. Those emotions that they were able to put to words that shed light on the predicaments i find myself in. i believe this time it's E. Gilbert that i give thanks to! :)

No matter how hard i try, my life seems to keep moving towards that of Jasmine (the dying artist). I made decisions different from hers, but i'm still on the same track. Some prophecy huh? it isn't that i don't want that life, it's very ideal, but.. (yea, i'm beginning to hate the word too!)

I'm scared of maiming myself by letting go (assuming of course that it was possible). i'll never feel that way again. i know it. maybe the array of stars are better than a single moon? this all seemed so much clearer when i was still on the rooftop. I'm not making much sense today and i suppose i'm not supposed to. i know what i mean and that's that.

Am i crazy for doing this? wanting this? sanity is seriously overrated anyway, right? (yea right, coming from the psychward breakout. that's rich!)

it all seems so clear! but then again not so much so. i know what i have to do now. and when the time is right, i will turn away.. and not glance back for a parting image. i know that too. it just sucks that it isn't better. i hate to see so much potential wasted.

Ruin is a gift. It gives way and reason for development. or something like that. So is this it? Tearing my heart out so i can live another day? Ray, is this really what we have come to? and Rango, i would give my heart to you if only it was mine to give. Truth is, Ray is my heart.

Jasmine didn't give an audience to any Rango's. She couldn't and i understand that. i feel that way. but i know her somewhat tragic tale, i know how that worked for her. aren't i meant to use that knowledge to change my own destiny? there must be a reason why i know of it, right? or am i doomed to knowing but having every change i attempt to make overruled?

See why this is so much better in the movies? Stupid thing set me off. i wonder how she ended up. I don't know. i didn't see the ending. Maybe  someday i'll watch it till the end or better yet maybe someday, i'll read the book.

♡

No, i'm not having another breakdown. thanks for asking.

Nooo! They wanna send my back there. There, of course is the institute for the mentally unstable. But to be polite, they call it 'there' - in my presence only of course. Behind my back they all call it the crack house. I knew I shouldn't have had 'that' talk with Jasmeen. not me, the other one. Now she's got everyone convinced that i'm having a relapse. do people actually get mental relapses? But i feel fine. Just peachy actually.

everything's just as it should be. but they take every single little thing as a sign that i'm having another mental breakdown episode - actually i think they're secretly hoping for it. looking forward to it more than they are to the latest episode of gossip girl. no offense to the fans out there, but really? gossip 'girl'?
*moving on*

i know i get anxious, i get nervous, i get sad, i get lonely, i get mad, i get silly, i get bored, i get scared, i get lost for words ..and i'm lazy 24/7. But generally, i'm a happy person. a ray of fucking sunshine, that's me.

i won't make it so easy for them this time. they will not just take me out of my life and put me in a prison for the mentally insane with a bunch of orderlies in white *shiver*  telling me that it's okay that i'm crazy as if its some kind of gift. then, my treacherous family and friends turn around and tell me that "it's for my own good" or more recently, "its cuz we love you". BULLSHIT!

no one's locking me up and that's that. and if they do, i'll just bust out again..like i did the last time. i did it once before and i sure as hell can do it again.. and this time, i wont be going home. lets see how they'd like it then.

the last laugh will be mine!!

Love,
Me - the psychward breakout.

Bob

i know i need to write but i don't know what. i know i need to get out. just out.. somewhere.. out of all my comfort zones. Maybe even visit a foreign country alone. Somewhere exotic, beautiful place, beautiful people, beautiful language.. Venezia! I still don't know what's stopping me. I have marveled at pictures and dreamt of going so many times.. I know it will live up to my expectations but i worry that i wouldn't know what to do when i got there. That once reality sets in and the novelty fades, I'll just wish i were back home. Evidently i don't do this often. but lately I've been thinking about packing a bag, buying a ticket and just leaving. without over-analyzing it like i do everything.

no phones. no emails. nothing. just me, alone, for the very first time.

But my sensibility is too ingrained, i couldn't. i want to, just to prove i can but i know I'll hate myself for it afterwards. I'm not made that way.

perhaps i just want to experience real loneliness to prove to myself that what i feel now is nothing. not even a scratch on the surface. that should explain why I'm doing this right now instead of studying for the Physiology exam that i have in 29hours. needless to say, i haven't had any sleep. and if i sleep now, i won't wake up till about 3pm. then I'd have 19hrs to said exam. OR i could stay up now and study some more. no! I'm not feeling it. I'm not in that place right now.

I've really got to stop doing this. i don't even have a title for this blog yet. Hmm, i think i'll name you "Bob". why? Because I can! *Tongue out*

God, aren't i acting 8? *long sigh* i want to bang something against the wall. and maybe even stomp my feet. Yes, little miss perfect does have tantrums too. plus it's that time of the month. If Mimi were here she'd tell me to take long deep breaths so.. *Deep breath* *out* *in* *out* *in* *out*  hey! it does feel better.

Nope! lost it!

Question: How many times is mother's day celebrated in a year? I could've sworn I sent my Momma a card just last month. Am I loosing it again?

I'm bored. 

Shikenan!!

Oi! You! Smile!

So I finally got to watching "Beastly" and "Fast Five" - again!! I got all mushy after the first movie (weird!) that I had to watch a bit of blood pumping action (with 3 gorgeous guys as bonus) to get back my equilibrium. Plus watching Paulie with Bin2 just HAD to be done! :)

Then we had earth-shattering Gambian food. The stuff is AMAZING!! Explosion of flavour in my mouth. Mahal, Benachin... yum, yum, YUM! It has been decided: I'm moving to Gambia, or at least getting a Gambian chef.
 *Collecting applications*

Anyway, I kept thinking of what a great time I'd had last week with the fam. How I felt physically strongER in their presence. It was home. A feeling NOT a place after all. I remember how when I started getting sad and Mama was trying to talk me out of it, I moved to the window and just then a purple van drove past. (yes, PURPLE!) and on its hood were the words, "Oi! You! Smile!"

Needless to say, I burst out laughing. And ever since that moment when the boogieman struggles to break out, I just think of those three little words (which I actually believe were meant for me) and I can't stop smiling. It makes one think of the good things, you know.

P.s, if I ever have a company van, every one of them will have those words on their hoods. You never know who's life you're gonna make better. :)

So to the people in the purple van, and those who own it, Arigatō!!!


Juicy Raindrops! 

I'll wait for you..

For a while now I've had a friend who has been, shall we say, down-on-her-luck. First she lost someone very special to her and (this is really bad) I didn't know what to do. I was there, but that was all there was to it. I couldn't tell her that I felt her pain and understood what she was going through because that would have been a lie and we'd both know it. I tried to get her to talk about it, sometimes I prevailed and other times I didn't. I didn't want her to feel crowded and neither did I want her to be alone so I prayed and hoped that she would get to a point where she could smile again, and know that those memories that she has, the feelings she's got, were hers and those wouldn't be taken away. I really wanted that for her. She struggles. and I see it and I'm helpless.

I really really hope she's reading this. Because I miss her, and call me selfish but I want her back. But I know she isn't.. right now she's probably out on the swing, alone. Looking and feeling like the only person on the planet. I love you too much to be thinking of you in such terms. It tears at me Lola.. Breaks me in two. Because half of me wants to kick your ass and the other half wants to hold you in my arms and protect you.

I hope you find whatever it is that you need that will get you out of the dark place you're in. It kills me to know that I'm not it, but I will pray that you find it so you can return to me. I'll keep a light out for you.. A beacon, so you can always find your way back home.

♡♡♡

It's just one those nights when I can't sleep..

I decided to watch a movie. Red riding hood. I had been meaning to watch it but haven't had the time or inclination. Today was the day, so I did.

Big mistake.

It got me into THAT mood. We all know THAT mood. Yea, well I thought of him. And I let myself because I hadn't done so in a while. The first thing that came to mind was his smile. The one I loved. The one that had died. I thought of a million other things as well that would bore you to death.

But this time, I wasn't wistful. I was past that now. Instead I thought about how much I'd grown. And how I'd mastered the pain. Used it as fuel for greater things. I haven't felt this great in a while.

It didn't hurt so much now. RooQ did say that I would get past it. But I am not healed. Some wounds run too deep. And when they do heal, they leave a lifelong scar. I don't think it would be so bad. Battle scars. All the best warriors have them.


"If you can turn your wounds into living proof that you survived the fight, then you're no longer defined" - Mariah Carey

I am stronger than I ever was. I've felt that for a while now. I bask in it. For I know there's nothing better. I don't cling to my circle like I used to. I love them NO less but I'm not as dependent on them. Not anymore. The loneliness has faded away to nothingness.

I get up every morning and do what I have to do. No weights on my shoulder. No cluster in my head. No pain in my chest. No tears in my eyes. So this is happiness.

Once upon a time I thought he was my happiness. How naive of me. True happiness is an inside job, you don't assign anyone that much power over you. You look into a mirror and love what you see at any moment of any day. That is truly finding yourself.

This probably isn't the end but I now know that I'm on the right track. And InshaAllah, I am never drifting off again. Besides, this feels too wonderful to give up.

Also, I apologize for I have told a lie. Or two. Or three. To anyone who's asked me how I've been doing over the past couple of months. No, I wasn't fine, I'm just a great actress.. when I want to be.

But now my darlings, when I say I'm awesome. I really do mean it! Have probably never meant it more.


                                  ..And from the ashes, a phoenix was born!


Dream in colour. Juicy RainDrops!! ♥♥

Since life is a choice..

God works in mysterious ways. I have always known that. Whenever I needed Him, He has always come through for me. So it was no surprise really when I felt compelled to follow a link I saw on a comment of a blog. The link then led me to another blog where there was a story of two friends. I would love to go into details but I won't. If you're interested, you could read it here. The comment that caught my attention was anonymous and it went:

 "Interesting comments so far however everyone seems to be forgetting one thing and I attribute that to Nigerians and their cultural mindset. Do you people sincerely think that it is God's wish for everyone to get married? Just because Nigerian society makes marriage and child bearing seem like the beginning and the end of one's life does not mean that it is that way with God. This is also why some women and men keep hopping from one bad marriage to the next and they wonder why they are not happy in the institution. God has a different purpose for each individual. For some, it is the purpose of marriage and kids and for others, it is something else. Here in the West, I see single women making strides everyday. Some are at the peek of their careers, others adopted a baby or two and are enjoying motherhood, others are making a positive impact in their communities through volunteer work (Volunteering, yes,...a strange word for many Nigerians.....), others are U.S Supreme Court Judges, others are researchers and experts in their chosen fields and the ADVANCED societies they live in celebrate their accomplishments.

 However, Nigeria is another case. It is an overwhelmingly negative, unproductive, oppressive, disorderly, UNADVANCED society. It is a society I will never want to raise my kids in even if they paid me to. We Nigerians blame our leaders for the mess the country is in but most of its citizens are as much to blame with their backward, oppressive, gender-centric mindsets. Even other Africans here abroad talk negatively about how Nigerians are obsessed about marriage and the birth of children and how Naijas pop babies out like unspayed rabbits knowing they lack the adequate financial resources to take good care of the kids and offer them an enviable quality standard of living. Anyway, na una sabi.

Condoleeza Rice is not married and she is the most powerful woman in U.S. Same with Oprah.
If they were in Nigeria, they would not reach such potential because people wont be able to look past their single ness.
That said, both ladies have lives to live and should have spent more time living their lives than sleeping around and judging/monitoring each other."

 Okay, so this won't make a lot of sense so I should probably start at the beginning. Lately, there has been a lot of chatter in my head about marriage. I should make this clear from the start. I don't HATE the thought of marriage, it's just a 'not-now' prospect for me. I come from a very cultural country though (one I couldn't describe as colorfully as Anonymous has above), and lately this is how my conversations go with elders.

Them: So Jasmeen, just how much longer do you have to be in school for? I mean you're not getting any younger.
Me: *Strained, fake laugh* Well, about six more years not including my specialty training. Afterall I am going for two degrees InshaAllah.
Them: SIX YEARS! Isn't that too long? When will you settle down and get married then? Well, I guess you could get married and still continue schooling.
Me: Nah, That's not the plan. I want to finish schooling and start working before that. I have to be able to fend for a child before bringing one to the world.
Them: Your husband can do that for you. He will provide for everything while you take care of the house...

From this point on end I see RED so I'm not listening anymore. My parents (Bless their hearts!) support me completely and I know that that is all that should matter. But when friends of mine, who had the same (or similar) goals to mine start sounding like the billboards for marriage then..  I guess it makes me sad. Especially when they say, "I'm tired of schooling, I just want to get married". Then they turn around and go, "Jas, you're not honestly serious about Medicine, are you? You wouldn't even get to practice, I mean with the kids and all..".
I wonder if they ever sit to think that marriage itself is an institution. Running away from school to get married.. WORK DONE = ZERO! 'Cuz you're right back where you started. 

A bit of info - My mother finished University and Law School before she got married. She did her NYSC in her husband's house and worked for 12 years (while having 3 kids). This was back in the 80's. Her older sister is a Chief Justice, with 6 children, who works till date. I know the combination of marriage, work and kids is not particularly easy but it HAS been done. Over and over again.

And because this has also happened time and time again, I will mention it too. 2-4 years into most marriages, when the shine of newly found love has faded, the husband does one of two things. Marries a younger, more educated girl (it is within his rights) OR starts treating the wife badly. I have heard and seen situations where he (the husband) actually goes as far as telling his wife off for asking him for grocery money, knowing full well that she wouldn't have any herself.. or accusing her 'wasting' his money. I would like to believe that she would have flung his money in his face had she had a paying job of her own OR he wouldn't have even dared treat her that way in the first place. It pains me to say that this is the society from which I come.

My parents and close-knit family have protected me from all of this. But I am no longer a child now. I might have started harboring minute doubts but never again InshaAllah.

In the words of Eminem: "I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly. And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony."

Since life is a choice.. This is mine!
My life will not be dictated by anyone but me. This right here is MY decision. And I feel pretty darn good about it. If you can't stand it then go curl up somewhere and gently decompose. This is my life! *DUECES!*

1830-300411

Yeah so, I'm trying to move my FB blogs on here. So I apologize in advance to all those following if you see any repeats. I want to archive everything all in one place.

Today is the last day of the month. I have my first exam on the 9th and yet I can't seem to actually start studying. :P

Sooo sleeeepy!! (Woke up an hour ago from a 12-hour mini sleep coma)

Okay, okay! This stops now!! I'm serious!

30seconds later..

It's just not working. I need motivation. A speech, a person, a place, a thought, a song, a movie. ANYTHING!

*Sigh*

Okay, It's decided. Another sleep coma.. & then 6 straight hours on Human Anatomy.. or something.

Yeah, that's it! 

All that I am..

 I still play video games and I’m a sucker for cartoons. I spin my pasta, support Arsenal and call myself J. Hartley. I love my jeans and prefer my Jordan’s to stilettos. I appreciate thoughtful gestures and despise profligate surprises. I eat tuwo with a fork. I love my independence and wont judge you for who you are. I am attracted to fire but my element is water. I have a split personality and can kick your butt in GT3. I LOVE a good laugh!! I am almost always never patient and make a formidable enemy. I love ABBA and listen to Eminem & P!nk first thing in the morning. I don’t trust anything on 4 legs least of all 2. I am continuously fascinated by human nature yet nothing fazes me. I think tigers are cute, snakes defenseless and geckos lethal!! My favorite season is autumn and I LOVE thunder-storms! I’m an artist but my brushwork sucks. I want to see the world but will never leave my home. I think on a totally metaphysical level (!). I climb trees and hate heights. In my lifetime, I’m going to be a surgeon, astronaut, designer and author, you wait and see. I wear braces, read comics of all sorts and watch anime! I’M A DORK!! I cry reading Danielle Steel and had nightmares from ‘Haunted mansion’ (yes, the one with Eddie Murphy). I do not think that clowns are funny. Far from it! I SNAZZY DANCE when I’m excited and flunk physics! I think I have fangs and would love for you to be my test subject. I AM GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD... right after I learn to interpret ancient hieroglyphics.  I think Jeffery Archer is THE story-teller and that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow... the leprechauns told me! I love the guys from my “debut” album but know we are never gonna be. I’m HELP-lessly romantic not HOPE-lessly so. I play hardball in tennis because in my mind’s eye, the ball is Dorm Mpther’s head. Kyo Sohma & Uchiha Sasuke are definite hotties and freshly mown lawns smell really good. I hate the sound of bells (blame high school) and can sleep for 48hrs straight. I can survive on noodles for 3-5years, practice chemistry in my sleep and write for hours. I love Haribo and have a crack-addicted insect on my wall named Joey (missing Ada right now). I’m quite temperamental (who isn’t yea?)  And love learning new stuff. Studies have shown that at the rate I’m going, my brain will blow up by the time I’m 38... Just like a balloon does when it’s had too much air blown in. I find haven in libraries [I did mention that I was a dork], arcades and my bed! And take solace from Haagen Daaz. How the hell can you not know who the HOKAGE is? I give my friends ridiculous nicknames which they cant help but love after-all.. I have a deep sense of duty and principle that is beyond the norm. Mother says that will bring about my down-fall someday.. I hope not. I'm like a mama-hen when it comes to those I love. Yes! I will pluck your eyes out of their sockets.

Basically, I know I’m pretty messed up but who isn’t? My life is a contradiction in itself. Why can’t you understand that all that I am is all that I can be? BEING ME IS ALREADY A 24-HOUR JOB! Trying to turn me into YOUR idea of perfect is nothing short of slavery. I am what I am... Tiny ears and all,  I love that I am ME!

For you: The second chapter

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that, "The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship. It is the spiritual inspiration that comes to you when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship."

As beautiful as all that sounds it is completely bogus. I don't buy it.

The glory of friendship (in la-la land at least) is the knowledge that someone sees what the anatomic eye can not without a shred of judgment.

But what do I know? I am but a novice to a world of Barbies, Beliebers and Monsters. Sigh, I really was born in the wrong time. But oh well, a girl has got to make do.

I make the most sense when I'm writing so I thought this would be the best way to show my gratitude in this matter. I'm sure you approve. :)

You are such an amazing person! I know you use crude words and swear a whole lot, you can be impatient, frustrating and Argh! You jump to the worst conclusions AND you're a G!
Hey, I said AMAZING not PERFECT. But you know what? I wouldn't change one thing about you. You, your faults, merits, EVERYTHING I love and hate make you, YOU! The good outweighs the bad.. Plus who am I to judge? I'm worse than you are. (But you love me still) :)

Contrary to what you believe, I do pay attention. I actually do know, I just choose to taunt you. Keep in mind that you do deserve it at least half the time. Fine, 25% of the time. The other 75, I do for no good reason. And it's fun!

I have to acknowledge that Fate played her part. How else could I have had such good fortune at the exact moment I did? And without knowing that it was what I needed. You did a number on me.. in the good way. I was in a dark place.. and you realized it before I did. I count myself the lucky one. At the risk of sounding like a total softie, I'm gonna say this:

My dear smurf,
I love you for all that you are,
for all that you do.

Keeping me together when I'm going mental.
I want to return the favor.
So when the boogieman breaks out,
and the tide is rising..
Let me help.
I may not say or do all the right things
but be rest assured that every word,
every gesture will come
from the deepest part of me.
Whether we sink or swim,
we will BE! - Believe that!


 Reflecting on that line about being born in the wrong time.. It's not so bad when you take into consideration the fact that I've got the awesomest friends. What do you think? :)

Make a wish!

Every once in a while we all fall victim to a very terrible crime - Neglect. Lets face it, we've ALL done it. That doesn't make it right though. It just makes it even MORE wrong.

I'm sorry chica! I'm so used to having you around that sometimes I neglect to tell you just.. Wait! before that.
                                   
                                Happy Birthday darling! Make a wish!  :)

Now, as I was saying.. I love you. But that is just, well, obvious.

What you don't know is that I rely on you so much more than you know. I take strength from you. Through all the bitching and drama, every step of the way I'm confident because I know I've got you. Supporting and non-judgmental, but also ready to kick my ass if need be. -Ouch!-

Sometimes I just sit back and reminisce. There's never a starting point and definitely not an end. So much history.. So many memories.. Good, bad and in-betweens.

The bad..
The loss of beautiful ones.. Moha, Waziri, Baba L.. May their beautiful souls rest in peace. The drama. Testosterone. X-ing. ViDi. IT 1. IT 2.

The Good..
Dancing in the middle of the courtyard at 2am (our neighbors thought we were drunk as hell). Movie nights Ala le ke. Southampton. Snow fights. CHERRIES! The birth of Louis Cookie. Bradford. Sleep-overs. New years. Missing flights. Late nights. Cooking disasters (Jollof spaghetti.. LMAO). Monopoly with The Vuittons and The Barristas. 24. Marble Arch. Wonderland. Skin contact. Emirates Stadium. Therapeutic ice cream and shopping. 805. Milkshakes and Tai won mein. Riverside and boat rides. Paris. Venice!! And that's just the first line in our novel.

Even here the good outweighs the bad. No scales needed. But you know my favorite? First full moon in March. Nothing can beat that!!

On the 5th of March 2004, I not only made a friend, I made the BEST one. A sister. An ear. A shoulder. A hand. An evil twin. (Who does that remind you of? Don't scream!) Short devils. Small AND mighty!

... Seven years later, I'm still thankful.

I might want to turn you over and just keep spanking (you know why) but you always come through at the end of the day. We talk without words. Sing way off key. View life in 3D. Fight over mega-cute guys. We are so alike yet so different. Same song, different beat. I know we're imperfect, but we do it perfectly! Yin & Yang - ideally balanced. And since we're still the BEST, we must be doing something right.

This may all seem cliched but I never did care for propriety or what anyone thought. This is yours, Lola.

Past, present and future babay! (With my Lord's will of course) Hahaha! Now, I can say, I love you! Make a wish! ;)



P.s
Bring my fish to Braddie!
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